depression – Oh Lord Help Us

depression, anxiety, love, healing, faith, mental illness, patience, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry

Survival: Loving Someone with Severe Depression and Anxiety- A Guide

DevotionalsJuly 14, 2019July 14, 2019

Living with a loved one who has severe depression and anxiety can be disorienting. The key to survival and a strengthening love can be found in our Creator. God holds us all through the peaks and valleys of depression.

Survival Guide Resume

Before I launch into this guide I first want to give you a glimpse at my resume, so you know that I know a little about what I’m talking about. For ten of the last twelve years of my marriage, I have been the husband of a wonderful woman who has had severe depression and anxiety. It started as postpartum depression after our second child was born and it has never gone away.

I will not go into the symptoms because chances are, if you clicked on the link to this article, you are very familiar with them. Instead, I am going to direct my comments to the depression newbie. The poor soul who has recently woken up to find their spouse (or someone they love) is no longer the happy, fun-loving person they married (or used to be). Who has found that their love has been brought low by some unseen, unimaginable malevolent force for which there seems to be no defense. This is your survival guide from a veteran of this fight. I hope to be able to save you some of the stumblings around in the dark that I have had to do.

Also, to make it fun, I have decided to put it in the form of a list! Because the internet loves lists right? Of course you do.

1.

It’s not about you.

Drop your ego. It’s not about you. Really. It’s not about you. Your spouse has a disease. Unless you are just being horrible to them, his or her depressive episodes are not the result of something you did or did not do. Along those same lines, there is nothing you can do to “fix” them or make the symptoms “go away.” Your spouse is on a rollercoaster.

It is a rollercoaster through a hell so terrifying that neither they nor you would ever have the words to adequately describe it. The only thing you can do during these moments is to honor your vows, board that roller coaster with them, hold their hand and ride that ride. Is it scary? You bet. Does your presence help? Sometimes. Sometimes not. But ride it anyway. It builds empathy in you and, when it is over, gratitude and trust for you in your spouse.

2.

Don’t hide. Be open about it.

Ok, listen. Unless the people in your lives are told what is going on, they can only speculate, and they can’t help. Depression is a terrible and lonely disease. Being married to a depressed person is equally lonely. There is a stigma to depression. Don’t pay attention to it. Your spouse has a disease. If they had cancer, you would tell people, and those people would gather around in a loving and supportive group to help your spouse through the difficult and painful process of treating their cancer.

So, pretend it is cancer. Be open with your friends and family about what is going on. Your spouse needs that extended support group, but almost as important, YOU need that extended support group. YOU CAN’T DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. Don’t try. Also, if you have children, be open with them about it. Explain the illness to them. Obviously, consider their ability to understand based on their age, but don’t exclude them. If they know WHY your spouse is behaving in this way, they will be less likely to blame the behavior on themselves. You need to include them. They have a right to know and to understand.

3.

Treat it.

I am going to keep saying it until you will never forget it. Your spouse has a disease. A disease that could kill them. A disease that continues to kill more and more people every year. Diseases are treated by doctors, specialists, and medicine. Don’t let your spouse tell you they can handle it on their own. They can’t. Get them a doctor or a counselor. The good news is, there are medicines that can help manage the symptoms. The bad news is: scientists know more about the surface of Mars than they do about how the brain actually functions.

So, there is no magic pill that will cure this disease, and treating the symptoms is more akin to throwing paint at the wall and seeing what sticks. You will likely try three or more medicines before finding one that works well for your spouse and manages the symptoms without unacceptable side-effects. After many years, we finally landed on one that gives my wife a semblance of normalcy in her life. There are those that will tell you to not ever use medicine. I disagree. From my experience, it helps immensely.

4.

You are not alone.

Again, being the spouse of someone with depression can be a terribly lonely experience. There will be times where you feel like you are the only one in the world going through this. Times when you feel like you can’t talk to a soul about what you are going through. There will be times when it gets so hard, so dark, so hellishly frustrating that you want to throw your hands up, walk away, and leave them to their own devices.

These are the moments that separate the wheat from the chaff. Stay. Fight. Dig deep. Find that reserve of strength inside of you and keep going. Your love is your spouses best hope of navigating the depths of the darkness inside of themselves and finding their way to the light of joy and happiness on the other side. For better or for worse. Well, this is one of those “worse” times. Ponder the following words:

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? […]Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you…
Matthew 6:26-30, KJV

In more ways than one, you are never alone. Bring God along with you on this journey. Let Him give you comfort, let Him heal you. Surely the Author of all creation can and will soothe the open wounds of your despair with the healing balm of His majesty and love. Let Him. You are never alone. Believe it. Because after all the experiences I have had, I know it.

5.

This journey, if you let it, will strengthen you personally, and teach you what love really means.

When I married my wife, I thought I loved her. Of course, I did. But through this journey, I have learned the breadth and depth of what love really is. Is love, buying flowers for your wife on your anniversary? Yes. But more so, love is holding your trembling spouse as they sob and shake uncontrollably at 3 am due to some unseen and unassailable despair that gripped them suddenly and is making them say things as they would rather be dead than feel this way.

Love is canceling a trip you have been planning and looking forward to for months because your spouse is having a panic attack at the prospect of your absence. Love is enduring the verbal attacks of a spouse who is lashing out at you, not from any fault of your own, but because they are under an unbearable weight and have to let it out somewhere. Love is then forgiving them for that same act.

A Gift

If you let it, this journey will teach you a lot about YOU. Is it scary? At times, it’s terrifying. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I now have an indescribably deep and abiding love for my spouse. It is so much more than fondness, friendship or physical desire. It is a love that binds our souls together and continually makes me more and more grateful for the gift of each day we get to spend with one another.

Through peaks and valleys, through better or worse, for now and extending into eternity with God, we walk together. And so can you. You can do it. Have patience, have faith, and never give up on them.

Let God give you comfort, let Him heal you. Surely the Author of all creation can and will soothe the open wounds of your despair with the healing balm of His majesty and love. Click To Tweet

Annie Spratt

depression, provision, replenish, isolation, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry

Replenish: Accepting God’s Provision in the Depths of Depression

DevotionalsApril 2, 2019April 3, 2019

Seeking God while battling depression seems impossible, but God guides us to take strides to care for ourselves so that we will hear Him clearly. So He can replenish our souls.

Like many women, I have spent a good deal of my life living with depression. I liken it to parenting a toddler who you are never allowed to hand off to anyone else to care for. Sometimes it trails along quietly in your shadow, other times it rides piggyback. Others still, it wraps itself around you like a writhing boa constrictor. Any time it has its hold on you, it weighs a portion of you down. Depression restricts your ability to move forward or function normally. It is exhausting.

There comes a time when the weight and the exhaustion gets to be too much to bear. At these times, I feel like Elijah under the broom bush. He is running from Jezebel, knowing his life is hanging in the balance, and he collapses under the pressure.

He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. ‘I have had enough, Lord,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’ Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
1 Kings 19:4-5, NIV

God’s Provision

There are moments where I have had enough of the struggle to keep moving, to survive the days and hurts and struggles. When it’s bad enough, my mind whispers Enough.

Luckily, our God is so immeasurably good. He knows what we need and how we need to receive it.

He could have told Elijah to suck it up. There was Kingdom work to be done, and he proceeded to wallow under a bush, welcoming the very outcome he had been running from. God could have inspired him to go right then and anoint the kings He would later command him to. But Elijah wasn’t ready for that, so the Lord sent an angel who said,

‘Get up and eat.’
1 Kings 19:5, NIV

That’s it. Just get up and eat. God provided the food, so Elijah only had to do the two things he commanded. Get up. Eat. And then God let him sleep again, before telling him to get up and eat once more.

Elijah needed nourishment. He needed God to replenish his body, mind, and spirit. Kingdom work was laid in front of him, but first Elijah needed to stop succumbing to the desire to give up. He needed to start getting ready for the journey he was going to embark upon. He needed his mind and heart at rest to be able to hear what God had to say.

Taking the First Step

What does that mean for those of us who suffer from depression? When getting out of bed feels like a monumental task, what does “Get up and eat” look like in a real way?

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2, ESV

Depression presents along a very broad spectrum, so there is not a one size fits all answer to those questions. At certain points in our lives, replenishment requires exactly what Elijah needed… eating and resting. At others, we need to reach out for the love and support of those closest to us. There have been many times I have said, please pray for me because I cannot pray for myself right now. God expects us to spread the weight of our burdens so that we do not have to bear them ourselves.

There are still other times where eating, sleeping, and calling on friends may feel like putting a bandaid on a severed limb. At those times, get up and eat means go to counseling or start taking medicine again. There is no shame in finding help where help is most needed.

Discerning between God and the Enemy

The important thing is to figure out what you need to replenish. Replenish enough to start seeking God and His Word again. This is not about fixing our depression, but mobilizing ourselves. When we are immobile, it is difficult for us to recognize the vast power and grace of God. But when we replenish ourselves and position ourselves to mobilize, we can see the immensity of His power. And, like Elijah, find His quiet voice in our hearts and in His Word. We must always remember to be seeking that voice so we may not confuse it with the voice of the enemy.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8, ESV

If we are under the broom bush, Ladies, we are easy prey. But when we give ourselves sustenance and rest, we gain the energy to stay in the Word. Energy to discern His sweet voice amidst the chaos and cacophony the enemy would try to distract us with. We can see the lion approaching. We can hear God’s encouragement, and we can remember that we know who wins in the end.

When depression makes us immobile, it is difficult for us to recognize the vast power and grace of God. But when we replenish ourselves, we can see the immensity of His power. Click To Tweet

Getting Help

All of this being said, I do not want to forget the people who have times where their words of concession are precisely Elijah’s:

Enough. Take my life. I am no better.

I was there. I asked God to take my life, and in His outstanding goodness, He refused to take it from me. I know how that moment feels, and I pray for each and every one of you that you find help before you get to the point I did. I pray that you feel God’s hand on your shoulder. I pray that you call that friend, that counselor, that suicide hotline as soon as you have the thought: things would be better if I just…wasn’t. We were not meant to survive on this earth in a vacuum. Our Creator built us to be in relationship with one another, to choose community over isolation.

Kat Love

depression, hope, joy, darkness, faith, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry

Depression: Fighting for Joy in the Midst of Darkness

DevotionalsFebruary 10, 2019February 10, 2019

As believers, we may think depression and faith could not occur together. But because of the cross, we who face despair can still find hope.

Depression is something we hear about all the time. I’m here to tell you it is much more than just being sad. Most Christians I know who have struggled with being depressed, have found themselves wracked with guilt and despair. I know I have. I am not an expert, but I know what I have experienced and I want to share about my fight for joy.

Subtle

It starts with thoughts like: Why try? It builds to: Why bother? It evolves into a feeling of heaviness. For me, it is best described as a hot, wet blanket. It’s like concrete in my shoes.

It’s like my to-do list slipping into Jello. My emotions are on edge. I think everything is about me. I think people believe I am a failure. I can barely function, but just enough.

Complicated

Most people think of the person who is never around or hidden. My friend Brandi and I talk about the active depressed person. I’m involved in my life, but I am dying on the inside. It takes all I have to get my clothes on. All I have to convince myself what I am doing is worth it. What I do matters. That I still have purpose.

I find it hard to believe that anybody notices me. This is not wanting to end life. This is not wanting to hurt anymore or it’s the desire to feel again. You begin to doubt that you will ever be happy again.

Noise

Have you ever tried to have a conversation while someone vacuumed or ran a noisy dishwasher? Did you really hear all the words? Not well, right? Depression is like that.

The words are coming toward you but the thoughts cannot really get through. You read the Bible. You pray. You fight for joy. But the words on the page don’t mean anything. They can’t prick your heart.

If you do feel anything, it’s often guilt at not being more joyful. It’s despair that you will always feel like this… Why bother? You aren’t really worth much. You are a disappointment. You won’t ever have purpose. You did once, but now you are just trouble.

Depression Is Not the Final Say…

I have had multiple issues with depression. I find the winter is usually the worst. Especially gray, rainy ones. My hormones can play a big factor: pregnancy, nursing, middle age. Stress can make it take center stage. But, it’s not the end…

I have seen God do amazing things in the middle of my despair.

Always Hope

How do we face depression as believers?

We continue to look to His word for who we are. Depression tells us we have no purpose and we are worthless. But God’s word can break through and remind us of what is true – He is the one who gives His people purpose. He will never leave us and He is the One who will see us completed to the end.

We can listen to music that glorifies Him and praises Him in spite of what we feel or think. He has not changed and He can be trusted even if our thoughts cannot. This is where I have seen God move in mighty ways. The battles I have fought while depressed, have been the bricks God laid to remind me He is faithful, He is sovereign, He is trustworthy. Even in the darkest days.

We confess what we are feeling to other safe mature believers and ask for prayer. We are tempted to hide what we are experiencing but that only leads to more isolation. This is not how the church works. We can believe that being vulnerable will make Christ look less. But when in actuality I have heard over and over that my willingness to share my neediness has challenged others to do the same. They have seen that God cares about every part of their lives especially their suffering.

We seek out help. This can look differently for different times. I have sought counseling. Medicine was necessary at one point. Every situation will not call for the same solution. But hear me, we do not have to stay in despair and depression.

We can be tempted to hide our experiences but that only leads to more isolation. This is not how the church works. Being vulnerable encourages others. Only then can we see how intricately God cares for our sufferings. Click To Tweet

No More Hiding

I do know one thing that does not work. Hiding. Hiding only makes my life feel worse. We are in a battle for our hearts and minds. We are believers and our eternity is secure. I want more than just security. I want to live a life that finds joy in Christ and in His truths. I am His. Some days that means depression and despair. He is still enough when I have those days. He is still enough.

God hear my cry; pay attention to my prayer. I call to you from the ends of the earth when my heart is without strength. Lead me to a rock that is high above me, for you have been a refuge for me, a strong tower in the face of the enemy. I will dwell in your tent forever and take refuge under the shelter of your wings.

Psalm 61:1-4, CSB

Ian Espinosa

blessings, control, depression, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry

Reins: Relinquishing Control to The Lord Who Blesses Us

Devotionals, Stay SaneOctober 9, 2018January 13, 2019

When we give the Lord the reins to our life, we relinquish control. And as we let go, He leads and guides us into His blessings.

Sometimes, when I pause and consider my life, I am amazed at how the Lord has blessed me. It definitely has not always been this good. But the more that I’ve relinquished control over the reins of my life, the more the Lord has given me a life seemingly tailor-made just for me. The blessings that flow from Him are incredible.

The Blessings

I have a loving husband whose heart is inclined toward Jesus. Over the years, I’ve seen the Lord do a tremendous work in his heart. Today, he is truly the man I always hoped I would get to walk through this life with. We are blessed with two beautiful children. They are caring, healthy, smart, curious, and uniquely talented.

Then there are the ways in which the Lord has healed my mental and physical health, giving me abundant energy and the ability to physically do the things I desire. And that’s not to mention the creative pursuits I get to be a part of: writing for this blog, making jewelry as a tool for ministry, singing and making music with my husband and worship team at our wonderful church, creating yummy, healthy recipes, and making our house a cozy home where peace and beauty rest.

But it hasn’t always been this way…

I Hated My Own Life

For many years, I honestly hated my own life. Riddled with depression and anxiety, I could not imagine a time when I would want to live–much less a time when I would feel so blessed in so many ways! But despite my many blunderings and missteps, the Lord has guided me to this pleasant place.

A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Handing Over the Reins

I’m so appreciative of, and humbled by the life I am getting to live. It is not always perfect, but it is good. And I know who gave me this wonderful life. It’s not of my own making. I’m living a blessed life because about a decade ago, I handed the reins of my life over to Jesus Christ.

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

Psalm 139:13

The Lord has been leading and guiding me since before I was even born. But for so many years, I was fighting against who He was and who He wanted to be in my life. I was striving to maintain control over my own path. And He let me exercise my free will. I jerked away from Him to try to find my own way. But my road was paved with regret, shame, selfish ambition, anger and the like. I was literally heading for destruction in the form of depression and suicide.

Only Part of the Picture

Still holding onto anger and rebellion against the version of Jesus that my mom had exposed me to, I could not trust that Jesus truly was who the Bible says He is. In a nutshell, I was raised in a very isolated, strict, fundamentalist, religious atmosphere…

My mom was trying desperately to hold fast to all of the “rules” of the Bible. So, an intimate relationship with Jesus was not her priority. A carryover from her wounded past as an orphan was the belief that if you don’t follow the strict rules, your life will literally be in danger. Outside of the rules, severe punishment awaited.

Biblically, there is some truth to this notion of the rules–outside of God’s grace and mercy, we really aren’t safe or protected from evil. But that’s only part of the picture that the Bible offers. It’s as if my mom had only torn out the pages about fear. About the fire and the brimstone. And that partial picture is what she revealed to me and my siblings.

Somehow, the loving invitation of the gospel–the parts about Jesus’ love and grace and mercy–were on pages that had gone missing. Sadly, Mom missed the invitation that so many believers miss. The invitation to trust that we are loved by a good Abba; a good daddy who leads and guides us perfectly if we’ll trust Him.

Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?

Romans 2:4

Gathering Up the Shards

When I was out from under my mom’s authority, no longer hitched to her wagon so to speak, I ran as far and as fast as I could. Away from anything that smacked of Jesus, the Bible, or Christianity. With unbridled determination, I grabbed the reins to my own life. Thinking I could mold it, shape it, and ultimately force it into what I wanted it to be, I forged ahead.

But no amount of ambition, perfectionism, self-sufficiency, and determination could save me from the wall I was about to hit. And I thank God that He let me hit that wall. Because when I broke into a million pieces, Jesus was there, lovingly gathering up the shards and putting them back together again. He was refashioning them into something beautiful. Into the Hope that He had known all along.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

Reined in by Love

I’ve learned to relinquish the reins through seasons of both hope and despair. And through it all, I’m learning that I am the most loved, protected, and at peace when I rest in the security of my Father’s love. When life is hard or scary, and I don’t know what to do, I can run to His loving arms. He has reined me in with His love.

When we learn to relinquish the reins of control, we can find rest in the security of God's love. When life is hard or scary, and we don't know what to do, we can run to His loving arms. He reins us in with His love. Click To Tweet

Today, I’m happier and more fulfilled than I’ve ever been. And I know that He has even better things in store for me in the years to come. But none of this would have been possible if I had held fast to the reins of my own life. When we relinquish control to God, He sets us free. Yes, beloved, we lose control over our lives, but the path is smoother, and the blessings far greater when we are trusting Him!

He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

Matthew 10:39

Are you still holding onto the reins in a certain area of your life? Have you experienced the reining in of His love?

All scripture references from The King James Version of The Bible

Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, faith, brokenness, healing, darkness, light, prayer, scripture

Darkness: Stepping Out of the Shadows and Into the Light of Jesus

Devotionals, Stay SaneJuly 18, 2018June 28, 2019

God invites us to step out of the darkness of our brokenness, and into the light of Jesus. That is where we find freedom, this is where we find healing.

Prayer is the believer’s greatest weapon. It is the first line of defense. I was named after the prophetess who recognized Jesus as the Messiah. In the last several months, more people than I even know by name have been praying for my life. I am amped to share with you my first-hand account of God calling me out of darkness and into the light. I now trust my Messiah.

Once I was told a Christian must have a specific transforming moment in their life to claim salvation. It was the evidence of the changed life he or she claimed to have. I had been baptized and I went to church every Sunday. Surely I was good to go, right? But I couldn’t recall an exact moment. I began to question my faith and everything else I believed in.

Dispelling inaccuracies…

Whoever told me I had to have a pinpointed moment of conversion was off the mark. Relationships don’t form in a single moment; they take years. These multiple moments define our faith; they are crucial to it. What is a relationship without doubt? Doubt proven wrong turns into trust. And what is a relationship without hardship? Hardships provide opportunities to share the load when you can’t stand on your own two feet.

You cannot have a relationship with someone and not interact with them. How do you expect to grow close to someone if you’re not willing to grow with them? In other words, how can you expect to grow close to your God if you’re not willing to speak to Him? You simply cannot.

What is a relationship without doubt? Doubt proven wrong turns into trust. And what is a relationship without hardship? Hardships provide opportunities to share the load when you can’t stand on your own two feet. Click To Tweet

A little history…

I have been battling progressively crippling anxiety over the last decade. Most recently, I would not be physically or mentally able to get through more than a few hours without breaking down. Anxiety/panic attacks became daily, sometimes hourly companions. At times, the assault lasted no longer than a few minutes, but others dragged on two to three hours. In an effort to stop an oncoming episode, I would scratch and scrape my arms and legs with my fingernails.

Sinking into darkness…

Amidst the chaos of my worsening state, my family and I had moved nine hours away from everything I’d ever known. The odds were not in my favor. Depression inevitably entered the scene. Within this dark cloud of hopelessness and despair, I began harming myself with whatever I could find in hopes to ease some of the torment in my mind.

After telling my parents shortly after the self harming began, they put me in counseling. That wasn’t cutting it (no pun intended) so we added medical professionals to the mix. That worked for a while, but at my core I felt worthless and hopeless. In May, I relapsed and landed in the ER. It was a wake-up call for me. Miraculously, with the support of several kind and loving brothers and sisters within and outside my church, I was finally able to begin my journey to recovery.

Goosebumps encounters…

I am 16 years old and last month I watched my first horror movie. Any fears I had about watching the film were canceled out in contrast to the horror I faced in my own life…or so I thought. I watched the movie on Thursday night without any trouble. But when it came time for bed on Friday, my last night in the house we’d been living in for two and a half years, I began to feel afraid. Pictures from the movie danced around in my brain.

I felt unsafe, like something dark was lurking in the shadows of my nearly empty room. I was scared of the dark, or rather, what I thought was concealed by it. My mind began to race faster and faster. Thoughts flooded in carrying heartbreaking things that had happened in my life. I was spiraling. Here I go again, I thought; causing my own destruction.

Glimmers of hope…

Then, like a flicker of light in the self-made darkness, a memory found its way into the turmoil. I recalled something I’d heard my Mom say once. “Say Jesus’ name over and over and over again. The devil hates it. He can’t stand it.” So I began whispering His name. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. As the fear continued so did my prayer. Then a song came to mind. The enemy, HE HAS TO LEAVE, at the sound of Your great name.

As I repeated the name of Jesus, begging for relief from all the pain, all the fear…I felt something. Not knowing what this hiccup in my spirit was, I pressed in and began talking to God. And for the first time ever I felt Him. I could feel His presence. And the small glimmer of Christ, of Love, was enough to bring me to tears.

Accepting Love…

I tried as hard as I could to continue praying through the sobs. I was astounded. After all I’d done, and all I ever would do, the Lord still said, “That one’s Mine.” Christ bled, suffered, and died, knowing so many would turn away, so many would curse His name. He still took the weight so some of us could come home.

Christ redeemed us from that self-defeating, cursed life by absorbing it completely into himself. Do you remember the Scripture that says, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”? That is what happened when Jesus was nailed to the cross: He became a curse, and at the same time dissolved the curse. And now, because of that, the air is cleared and we can see that Abraham’s blessing is present and available for non-Jews, too. We are all able to receive God’s life, his Spirit, in and with us by believing—just the way Abraham received it.

Galatians 3:13-14, MSG

Sometimes, I find myself—actually, most of the time—missing the fact that Jesus took the weight of ALL our sin. The moment Jesus walked out of the tomb every sin committed, past, present and future, was washed away. Just a small taste of my sin would daily land me sobbing on the floor. My sin alone was so overwhelming I considered taking my own life. But He loved us—HE LOVES US—He loves you, me, your coworkers, your classmates. Because we are His, He took every drop of death. He conquered it.

Stepping into the Light…

That Friday night I finally understood how much I really didn’t understand a thing. For so long I’ve been angry at God for taking so much and putting me through so much. But I understand now, it was so I would have nothing but Him. It’s like a tattoo; it hurts in the moment, but it lasts forever. All the pain was worth it. Humans attempt to promise a forever, but the forever Christ promises us goes beyond all our knowledge of time.

Dear friends, don’t overlook this one fact: With the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day.

2 Peter 3:18, CSB

We forget how much power our God really has. If He wanted the earth to vanish beneath us, vanish it would! If He wanted it to rain cats and dogs, THAT’S WHAT IT WOULD DO! We forget to remind ourselves how truly awesome He is. So entangled by our own flesh, we completely forget who gave us this flesh. We have nothing to show; nothing. We are broken… we are ugly… we are sinners. But because God loved us, He made a way for us to step out of the darkness and come home. That makes us beautiful. It makes us whole.

Annie Spratt

Known: To Be Known By, and To Know the Unknowable God

Devotionals, Stay SaneFebruary 27, 2018February 14, 2020

Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

Psalms 91:14, NKJV

Like my father before me, I struggle with SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder. We SAD folks need sunshine, LOTS of sunshine. Living in a city that is cloudy 56-57% of the time during the months of January and February only serves to exacerbate SADness. Beginning after Christmas, a quiet inner battle for emotional peace and a deep yearning for Spring begins in my soul.

Brennan Manning stated in Reflections for Ragamuffins, “Perhaps this is the essence of trust: to be convinced of the reliability of God.” During some of my darker days, I wonder where my trust in God has gone. Do I know Him as I claim I do? Am I an impostor? It’s usually a fleeting thing, like briefly wondering how different life would have been if I had done a, b, or c. You’ve been there.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Psalms 9:10, NKJV

Unknowable

Yet, for all the years of knowing God, pursuing God, longing for His presence, I am becoming acutely aware of how little I know Him. It’s so easy to fall into a trap of believing that the length of days one has been a Christian or been a faithful servant of Christ equal a depth of knowledge and wisdom said person has of the Savior. Even suffering doesn’t necessarily promise that God will be your new BFF, although it can certainly result in a closer walk with Him.

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I had a pastor whom we secretly believed had the ‘red phone’ to God! I mean, he was so knowledgeable about the Bible and God; his sermons were so powerful…but then, well…the higher the pedestal the farther they fall, right?

People sit in churches every Sunday professing to know God but make a plethora of excuses for why they don’t have any other time to spend with Him. Christian authors, actors, small business owners, millennials, baby boomers from every denomination have something to say about knowing Him. It sometimes looks very different from what you or I think it looks like…

It often looks very different from what the gospel says knowing God looks like, too.

Unfortunately, one cause is due to thinking of knowing as in, “Oh yeah, I know her; she’s in my exercise class!” Or, “Sure, I know astrology! I look through my telescope at the stars sometimes.” This knowing is as in perceiving or understanding as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty; to be acquainted with, according to Dictionary.com. We can give a head nod to many things in life to which, or to whom, we are acquainted…even God the Father. You know, the “man upstairs.” (Cringe)

Known

But how many people do we know as in “yada“:

The idea of “knowing” in Ancient Hebrew thought is similar to our understanding of knowing but is more personal and intimate. We may say that we “know” someone but simply mean we “know” of his or her existence, but in Hebrew thought, one can only “know” someone if they have a personal and intimate relationship with them. In Genesis 18:19 Elohiym says about Abraham, “I know him” meaning he has a very close relationship with Abraham. In Genesis 4:1 it says that Adam “knew Eve his wife” implying a very intimate relationship. (Strong’s #3045)

Who knows you like that? People who can complete your sentences, but don’t. Or who read your emotional cues and know what to do…

Anyone?

Your Father does. And the incredibly amazing, unfathomable truth is He wants us to intimately know Him, too.

Scripture tells us that God’s greatness is unsearchable, beyond our understanding (Psalms 145:3). His understanding is infinite – we cannot comprehend it (Psalms 147:5)! Paul sounds forth praises exclaiming:

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and how inscrutable His ways!

Romans 11:33, ESV

Know

Who can know a God like that? Ancient Greek philosophers and believers in Deism wondered, too, referring to God as the “unmoved mover” or a “clockmaker god,” merely setting things in motion, but never getting personal. It seems absurd, but then I wonder sometimes if we don’t live out what they wrote about.

However, throughout the Old Testament, the Father repeatedly calls Israel into an intimate relationship with Him. Among many other things, God goes so far as to make the prophet Hosea’s life a word picture of His abundant love and mercy, then promises that HE will heal their backsliding ways (Hosea 14:4).

Who can fathom that? Can you wrap your mind around that??

I can’t…but I don’t think I’m expected to fully comprehend, really. I know the love and mercy my Father has shown to me. With that in my heart, I run to the throne room. I run into His arms, believing Him when He said,

I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20, ESV

And on the days I struggle, He holds me.

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Beloved: We are Pursued Even Through Darkness

Devotionals, Stay SaneFebruary 22, 2018September 8, 2019

We all have dark times of our lives where we think we are hidden from God. Times we want to be hidden from God. Yet, we are His beloved. We are recklessly pursued through any darkness. Our Creator fights for us.

Psalm 139 was the very first passage of scripture I ever memorized and not out of intention. Through Psalm 139, I learned a little something about God. He prepares our hearts with words He knows our lives will need. It’s as though while He was knitting us together, He weaved scripture throughout our entire beings. This passage has followed me through my whole life, without me ever forcing it. That can only be God.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Psalm 139:13, NIV

Beloved Book

My beloved book. My most favorite book as a little girl. I knew I still had it. I’ve moved between 9 and 10 times in my adult life. I knew I kept this book. So, here I am, destroying my house to find it. I can picture the items packed along with it. I can see the box. The garage? The boys’ room? Under the beds? Mass destruction in my home, so I can find my beloved book.

I picture what it looks like, what the years have done to it. I remember specific pages and what they say. My book. Voiced by my parents. Hidden in my heart during scary times at night. I think of the countless times I read it to my stuffed animals and my brothers. Over and over, I chose this book. To the point the covers went missing; the pages are waring and fading.

Darkness

Out of the nest; on my own. I would describe my first flight as dark and broken. Shadows pursued and preyed on me; sensing I was without my “knitting”. A second flight came. Unfortunately, it was even darker. Full of pain that still likes to haunt me. I would describe that second flight as a void. Lonely, empty, without.

February is almost gone. It used to be, I couldn’t wait for this month to end. February has been a brutal month in past years. It seems like everything I considered to be ugly in my life, has fallen in this month. Though I don’t remember specific dates, the conglomeration of events left me dreading the feelings of February.

Most of these events stemmed from my separation from God; from my rejection for my “knitting”. Though I never denied His existence, I didn’t invite Him to dwell either. I stopped pursuing Him. Surely, He didn’t see me hidden in the mess. I was ashamed, broken, depressed. I actually thought if I didn’t pursue Him, He wouldn’t pursue me.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

Psalm 139:7, NIV

Beloved Words

I did not give up. I even dreamed about where my book could be. The attic! I have an attic; poorly lit, extremely hot or cold depending on the month, and an undesirable area of our home. There it was. Nestled with the books I imagined; in the box it has always been in. I fought through the mess, the uninhabitable parts of my home and found my beloved book!

God Is With Me -Debby Anderson; Based on Psalm 139

While I was searching, I could picture two of the pages. These were the pages that my little mind needed most. The pictures helped remind me no matter what, God is there. They brought comfort when my imagination got out of control and helped me remember to not be scared. The words were simple to grasp. I learned to rely on these words. “He is with me.” I tucked them deep in my heart. My treasure.

God Pursued

I am a treasure to God. I’m His beloved. I was the one lamb, lost from the ninety-nine and pursued by the Good Shepherd. Like my book, I was worn, faded, hiding in invisible covers. And, like my book, my world was torn apart so I could be found. The weaving never unravelled, it only tightened the more I was pursued.

In my darkness, God fought for me. He battled in the mess I thought I was hiding in. He never forgot about me, never left me alone, never gave up. I was (am) His. I can picture Him, bleeding from the briars that grew on my heart, pierced with the sins I gave power to, bruised by the hatred I had for myself. Yet, He prevailed. I tried to hide in the depths. I swam in shame and brokenness. Yet, God prevailed. He was there. Through divorce, medical rooms, abandonment, depression, alcohol… the list is longer still…. He was there. He never stopped fighting for my existence, my life, my heart. God fiercely pursued.

The Lord is with us, wherever we are.

This beautiful watercolor, painted by Katie Braswell, is available as a digital download in the Oh Lord Help Us Shop.
It will remind you of God’s ever present comfort.

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6 Tips For Surviving Postpartum

Be Healthy, Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 14, 2015

After giving birth, some new moms automatically adjust well. They love their baby and they love being a mom. But there are some new moms that have a more difficult time adjusting. And often, they don’t know how to talk about it.

My baby girl is now 2 months old, and I gotta say, life is pretty great. I don’t even want to tell you how great because I will sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not really bragging, I’m just excited. And happy. And rested.

And it is alright for me to feel this way, I was nervous that I wouldn’t. Why? Because with my first two children it was rough those first couple of months. It was those first couple of months that no one warned me about. Oh sure, I knew I would be tired, that’s understood. But the emotional swings that I experienced caught me off guard. It wasn’t until my first born was older that I realized it was postpartum depression. I was prepared for it with the second, and considered not having a third child because of it.

Since I was not prepared to experience this with my first, I am pretty open with other people about it. If I have any sort of relationship with a woman that is expecting, we will be having a conversation at some point that begins with, “Just so you know I had my nervous breakdown when he was 5 weeks old…” I hope (oh Lord, do I hope) that whoever I am speaking with doesn’t end up needing my advice, but just in case she does, I want her to know that she is not alone and should not feel ashamed.

Before I continue, let me give my disclaimer here. This is simply my story, my experience, and my life. There are things that I tried that helped and things that didn’t. I am not a physician, or psychologist, or counselor. If you are dealing with postpartum depression I am simply here to provide encouragement, and part of that encouragement will be to seek professional help.

My Story

Like I said previously, I had a “nervous breakdown” when my firstborn was 5 weeks old. Honestly, I’m being dramatic. A true nervous breakdown is no laughing matter. Mine was more of a meltdown. Trouble, though, started before that episode. I should have known something was not right when he was 3 weeks old. It was the middle of the night, I had just finished feeding him and he wouldn’t stop crying. He was not one of those sleepy babies that you could feed and put right back to bed. I was trying to calm him, soothe him, take care of him all on my own because that’s what mom’s are suppose to do, right? I’m just suppose to automatically think he’s the best thing ever and gush and never complain, right? Well to be honest, I didn’t feel that way. It turned out I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him. And so that night while I was holding him and he was crying and I was crying, I started screaming. My hubby ran into the nursery to me screaming, “Take him, just take him!!” Because I was about 3 seconds away from shaking him. Isn’t that awful? Even now, over 7 years later I feel awful for feeling that way. And I realized in that moment why people shake their babies, and I understood the desperation, and I lost any judgement that I had felt towards them. After that my hubby and I came to an understanding. I would feed him (had to, I was nursing) and try to put him back to sleep. If he didn’t go to sleep, then it was his turn. The key was, I had to ask for help. He wasn’t expecting me to do it all on my own. I was.

A couple weeks later I was not much better. I had called my mother-in-law for encouragement and support and would have received it if only she had been home (this was back in the day when people still used their home phones as their primary number). Instead, her mother answered the phone. I know she meant well, and in her mind she probably thought she was giving good advice. But it wasn’t. It was maybe good advice for a woman living in the 1950’s, but not for current times. She made the comment, “Well, I sure hope Jeremy (hubby) isn’t having to get up at night since he has to go to work.” Here’s the thing, when my son was born we still had the coffee shop. There is no maternity leave when you own your own business. The second day home from the hospital I was having to do payroll. I told her that I was working too, and she simply responded with “Well, maybe you are doing too much.” No, duh!! But that was not the way I wanted to hear it, so I started crying. And didn’t stop. For a long time.

Fast forward three and a half years to the birth of my second son. Once again, around the 3 week mark I lose it. But this time when I felt overwhelmed I didn’t just cry, I got angry. And once I again I felt myself losing control and screaming for help. This time I called my midwife right away. I knew better. They put me on a low dose of an anti-depressant. It did seem to help some, but honestly I just felt numb. Numb to my children, and numb to my husband. It was miserable. So I weaned myself off the drug and went to talk to a psychologist instead. The problem was, the one they referred me to was younger than me, not married, no children. I’m sure she was/is a great psychologist, but I needed someone that could actually understand what I was dealing with. So I quit that as well. I started exercising. The gym became my therapy sessions. And this seemed to work for me. I had a release valve for all my stress and anxiety. I did end up a few months later, once I was done nursing, going on a different med and finding a different therapist (she was in her 60’s and a grandmother and was incredible).

As I was expecting to have my third baby, I started thinking through ways to prevent going through this again if at all possible. Some things I was ahead of the game on already. Life is much less stressful now. No coffee shop to run, financially stable, better weather. I also had started reading about probiotics while pregnant. Some studies have shown that it can actually reduce postpartum depression. Score! I also exercised throughout my entire pregnancy and ate healthier than I had been previously. I made and froze meals so I wouldn’t have to deal with that once the baby was born. I limited the amount of help that was offered, kindly asking family and friends to hold off on visiting. My hubby was home the first week, worked from home the second, and helped me get going in the morning the third week. By then I was able to implement a flexible schedule with my other kiddos to reduce the stress as much as possible.

It has now been over 8 weeks and I am thrilled to say that I have not experienced the depression like I had previously. Sure, I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed. And moments of bawling my eyes out. But then the moment passes and I continue to love my kiddos and love being a mom. So here is my encouragement to you.

Tips

Know when to say “no”: If someone wants to come visit, but you know that it is not the best thing for your family, it is okay to say no. Say it in a nice way, but make your boundaries known.

Know when to say “yes”: If you are about to go bonkers because you are with people under 3 feet tall all day, then invite a trusted friend over. Someone that won’t care that you are still in your pajamas and will hopefully bring you dinner.

Do something every day to feel normal: Maybe it’s simply to take a long hot shower and let someone else keep an eye on the baby. Think of it as mini spa treatment. Or perhaps watch your favorite show before doing that last feeding at night. Or go for a walk. Or continue your hobbies. Do something for yourself.

Be healthy: There are others that can explain the science of this better than I can, but there is definitely a connection between eating healthy food and feeling good. Eat healthy, avoid the junk food and alcohol. Unfortunately these are what our bodies crave when we are stressed.

Avoid unrealistic expectations of yourself: This is the one most women struggle with. When we expect more out of ourselves than is realistic, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and start to meltdown.

Don’t panic: If you are having a bad moment, know that it may just be a moment. Say you’re sorry if you lost your temper, or lean on someone you love if you need to cry. Tomorrow is full of grace.

Final Thought

The most important thing I want you, dear new mom, to remember is that you are not alone. We may have incredible super powers, but we all have our kryptonite as well.

Please, please, please, if you feel like you are struggling with postpartum depression seek help. Contact your midwife or ob/gyn. A great online resource is www.postpartum.net.

photo credit: Mindy Olsen