shame – Oh Lord Help Us

shame, enough, hidden, perfectionism, defensive, apology, judgment, bondage, freedom, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry, nonprofit

Shadow of Shame: Step into the Light of Our Savior

DevotionalsSeptember 17, 2019September 17, 2019

The Lord came to break all bondage in our life. Step out of the shadow of shame and into the radiant light of our Savior.

Let’s talk about the S word. No, I’m not referring to a curse word. Or even the word “stupid,” which was not allowed to be used in our home when my kids were growing up. (They heard enough pejorative adjectives from their peers.)

Rather, I want us to take a few minutes to inspect, take a fresh look at, and perhaps begin to disarm a sleeper cell that has dwelt in mankind since the Garden. I’m talking about shame. While it isn’t possible to sweep out all the spiders and cobwebs that have accrued over the decades of darkness in which shame has hidden, perhaps shining some light into the darkness will at least put a broom into your hands.

Shadow of Shame

The topic of shame has made a resurgence in recent years, almost as though the subject had never been brought up before, (it has, but we didn’t have social media). For this, we can thank the research of University of Houston’s Dr. Brene Brown.

Her work resulted in books and TED Talks on YouTube, which catapulted the topic to a buzz word for several months…and that’s really longer than one can expect any topic to last in our micro-everything culture. Since Brown’s Ted Talks are some of the most-watched videos in the world, we should know all we need to know about shame; it’s already so ‘last year.’

If that is the case, why do we continue to experience that painful, pervading sense of being flawed or not enough – ever?

Unashamed to Fig Leaves

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Genesis 2:25, ESV

That is the first time shame/ashamed is mentioned in Scripture, but certainly not the last. However, it is one of the last times Adam and Eve were UNashamed. Only a chapter later they were hiding from God, ashamed of their sin and nakedness.

And he said, ‘I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.’
Genesis 3:10, ESV

Since that pivotal day, mankind has been hiding our shame behind our own fig leaves, which we have woven together since childhood. Yours may look different from mine, more colorful or loud, more acceptable or appealing, but an honest look inside our hearts, an honest probing by the Holy Spirit will reveal where each of us is prone to hide.

Let’s look at a few hiding places where shame operates…

Hiding Places

Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or at least to appear to be perfect. I like to say that I am a recovering perfectionist. It used to almost make me physically ill if I could not perform most tasks perfectly, according to my estimation. Yet, this a socially acceptable fig leaf. Brene Brown said:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth. She explains that perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame.
https://www.goodtherapy.org

Perfectionism can cause procrastination, (if I can’t do it perfectly, I will delay until I can perform perfectly). This can also lead to an attitude of blaming others for anything that appears like a failure. “It wouldn’t have happened that way if so-and-so had done his job correctly! It isn’t my fault,” which leads to our next hiding place…

Defensiveness is one way we protect ourselves from unpleasant feelings such as feeling sad or sorry that we disappointed or hurt a loved one. Being defensive is a way to avoid taking responsibility for our behavior, especially if we equate responsibility with shame.

Let’s say my husband is upset because I’m late meeting him for lunch. If I’m defensive I might say, “Well, we were late to church last week because you took so long to get ready and I didn’t get mad about that!”

If I’m not shackled by shame, I can recognize that my spouse has expressed his feelings about my tardiness. It isn’t something intrinsically wrong with me; I simply need to hear his feelings and apologize for my delay.

More Hiding

Apologizing can go either way.

Shame can cause us to be overly apologetic and compliant. We assume that others are right and we’re wrong. Better to diffuse a shaming attack or criticism before it begins by apologizing first.

Conversely, we can be so powerfully ruled by an unconscious shame that we don’t want to expose ourselves to imagined ridicule by admitting any wrong or mistake. Being vulnerable is seen as being weak.

This is what one blogger wrote about co-dependency/people-pleasing:

I always thought co-dependency would be easy and obvious to spot, but I tell you what – in the Church – it’s easy to confuse co-dependency with godliness. Codependents are the people who always put others needs before their own, which sounds so great, except it’s fueled by a compulsion to put others needs before your own. Many who struggle with this don’t even feel their own needs or desires anymore…the soul infected with shame is so unsure of its worth (not having that matter settled between self and God) that it seeks to find value in being needed or serving others.
http://www.fabsharford.com

The Church and Shame

Church is one of shame’s best hiding places.

Although it seems counter-intuitive, shame can cover itself with an attitude of superiority and judgment. My mom was filled with shame and insecurity due to her abusive childhood. But she hid that by presenting a haughty, superior person to everyone outside of our home. By judging others first as less than, people were thereby not given the opportunity to reject her. She rejected them first and led a lonely, almost friendless life.

Sadly, I’ve seen this often in the Church. It usually hides behind doctrine or theological arguments, sometimes social issues. However, we must be alert to our own hearts for this sly hiding place of shame. Maligning others in order to make ourselves feel better is not a way to healing.

The Release of Shame

I don’t believe it was ever God’s intention for His children to remain shame-based in our lives or relationships. Scripture has much to say about shame, and it isn’t about God shaming us – unless we choose to remain in our sin.

‘Let us lie down in our shame, and let our dishonor cover us. For we have sinned against the Lord our God, we and our fathers, from our youth even to this day, and we have not obeyed the voice of the Lord our God.’
Jeremiah 3:25, ESV

Despite deserving judgment and death, He continually promises deliverance for those who come to Him.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:4-5, ESV

The wondrous, heralding chapter of Isaiah 61, prophecies the coming of our Lord Jesus. Among other beautiful things, he announces the release of shame.

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.
Isaiah 61:7, ESV

Sisters, come out of hiding. There is no need to live in the shadow of shame any longer. Our Warrior King has come to strengthen, heal, and deliver us from the shame that binds us, for His glory and honor.

Behold, at that time I will deal with all your oppressors. And I will save the lame and gather the outcast, and I will change their shame into praise and renown in all the earth.
Zephaniah 3:19, ESV

Thomas Millot

repentance, sin, shame, surrender, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry

New: Dragging Our Haunting Shame to the Feet of Jesus

Devotionals, Stay SaneDecember 4, 2018January 13, 2019

There are days we allow shame to take over our minds. We must remember that through Christ we are made new, our sin has no hold over us, we are redeemed.

It’s no wonder winter brings so much sorrow. It’s downright ugly outside…most days. Winter has a way of isolating us. Or is it hibernation? There are days it’s hard to get out of bed. Days where past transgressions flood our minds and paralyze our ability to push through.

I believe, there’s a direct correlation between the grayness of the sky and how much pain we allow in.

Haunted

Days like these truly haunt me. Yes, I do love the occasional rainy, snuggly day. But, a whole season of gray really does a work on my mind.

It takes strength to push down the enemy and his lies. Moreover, it takes strength to ask the Lord to be your strength. It’s just easier to wallow in loathing. To toss and turn in the mixture of mud and pure white snow…muck.

That’s just what we do. We take the new, clean slate the Lord paid the ultimate price for, and roll it through the slopping mess that is sin and shame. Every time I allow the past to rule my present, I take my tiny human hand and smack my Savior right in His blood-soaked face. Soaked from the thorns and nails meant for me.

It’s important for me to make this image strong and unforgettable because my deep, dark sin seems to be strong and unforgettable. An unrelenting force, pushing its way to the surface of my being; begging and pleading for the acknowledgment of my darkness.

Remember how wretched you are!? Relive all that darkness; dwell on it. Nail it into your memory! May you NEVER forget how pathetically weak you truly are.

Surrender

I can’t imagine what my life would look like if I surrendered every day to these hauntings. If I didn’t have the anchor of Jesus. I understand self-harm and suicide so clearly. It’s the absence of hope, the inability to overcome the ghosts, torture the mind cannot endure.

In the depths, the pits, when we have come to the end of ourselves, and truly don’t know what to do next, surrender is our only option. Who we surrender to is the question…

Will we surrender to the one who wishes to devour our souls? The one who never forgets our sins and wants nothing more than to destroy us…

Or, will we surrender to the only One who can truly save us? The One who forgets all our filthy, wretched crimes and covers us with His love…

The answer seems easy, but in the midst of battle, it can be hard to tell up from down, light from dark…

Light

Yes, I understand how heavy and dark these words have gotten. But, it’s in this darkness God shines the brightest. (Sorry to get cliche on you…but also not sorry.) Think about it. God cannot outshine Himself, nor can He be the darkness. So in the darkness, He shines brightest and in the light of life, He is.

Okay, I’ll take my philosophical cap off and talk real talk…

When we decide to surrender to the One, Jesus, it allows us to see His brilliance clearly. His light bursts through, piercing the depths and disintegrating the blackness. When we choose to surrender every day, not just in the depths, we see His light in everything!

New

EVERY DAY I have to drag my sin and shame to the feet of Jesus. I demand it to stare my Savior in the face…

“Look at HIM! Look at His sacrifice on my behalf. You have no power here. You will not shadow His sacrifice in order to ridicule me. Nor will you reduce me to trash. I’ve been beautifully purchased through the blood of Jesus. You are forgotten. I am redeemed. I am new.”

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him.

2 Corinthians 5:17-18, NLT

Think about this verse… really dwell on it…

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8, ESV

That means He became our sacrifice even though we are wretched. He died on our behalf even though we are disobedient. He took our place even though we continue to sin, and sin again.

EVERY DAY we must drag our shame to the feet of Jesus. We must demand it to stare our Savior in the face... Click To Tweet

Psalm 51

When my disgrace pushes it’s way to the surface, I try my best to remember I’m not alone. I’m living in a world full of people with sin. Those who have lived before me, aren’t blameless either. Case and point, David…

When I read Psalm 51, I remember just how sinful we can fall. But also, just how much we are in need of salvation. Psalm 51 was penned after David’s dealings with Bathsheba… if you don’t know how ugly this part of David’s life is, read 2 Samuel 11. You’ll understand why this Psalm is so powerful.

Sisters, when our sin “haunts us day and night” (Psalm 51:3), may we recognize the price Jesus paid… We are “washed whiter than snow” (Psalm 51:7) through His blood.

shame, sin, forgiveness, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry

Shame: Handing our Sin to God to Survive the Storm

Devotionals, Stay SaneOctober 8, 2018January 13, 2019

Shame is inevitable. That is the nature of sin. It can feel impossible to survive, but there is a solution! All we need to do is confess our sins and hand them over to God.

A few weeks ago Hurricane Florence came crawling across the Carolinas. The coastal areas of North Carolina were battered by wind, and worse, torrential rain. It started out as a drizzle. Then slowly built up to a downpour that lasted for not just hours, but days.

Sometimes shame is big and sweeping. Easy to see, overwhelming to feel, no problem to identify. And sometimes it is the tiny dark shadows that hide in the cracks and crevices of life. The little stuff that feels too small to mention or pay attention to until it builds up into an insurmountable mountain.

Like a hurricane, the course of shame is unpredictable. It can hit fast and hard, but sometimes it is like a little dark cloud that just hangs over you.

Forecasting the Storm

What is shame? According to the dictionary, it is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. It is a feeling that most of us are familiar with and wish to avoid.

I have felt shame for most of my life. Instances where I deserved to feel shame: telling a lie, breaking a promise, being selfish, or hurting someone’s feelings. Other times, however, the hurricane of shame has been because of foolish (or perceived foolish) behavior. Like when I was younger and would use the wrong word trying to sound like I was smart. Or when I made crazy voices while reading a story to my class and they didn’t think it was funny.

Shame’s cloak is the little things that can be brought up again and again. They creep in and out of your confidence and eat at it. The nagging voice telling you, you’re not good enough. Until you find you are self-conscious of situations you never were before.

Banishing Shame

But just like an umbrella can help keep back the rain, God can be our shield against shame.

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:5, NIV

When we put our hope, and faith in God, He takes the shame of our sin. So just like the flood waters recede, our disgrace will fall away. And, fertile ground is left behind where God’s love can grow.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2, NIV

I am so glad we serve a risen Savior who takes the shame that lives within me and bursts through it with eternal life.

God’s Life Saver

The wonder and beauty of our Living God is worth throwing off the cloak of shame to find the glory of everlasting love. Of course, that is so easy to say, but the doing is a whole different thing.

Shame often lays on me like depression. It floods my heart with a heaviness that makes the trudging of the day, feel like I’m drowning. Thankfully I can scream out to God to save me. I can confess my sins and all my insecurities and then loosen my grip on them. He saves me from drowning in their chains and lifts me above the troubled waters. It doesn’t usually happen instantaneously, but little by little. As I cast off the shame that weighs me down, God lifts me until the clouds are gone and light surrounds me.

Shame lays on us like depression. It floods our hearts with a heaviness, but we can scream out to God to save us. He saves us from drowning in their chains and lifts us above the troubled waters. Click To Tweet

Dear God,

Please take this sin that is weighing me down. Push off the shame that is holding me in the waters that drown. I am not worthy of this mercy but so thankful that you promise it to me. Thank You for the love and grace You bestowed on me when You laid down Your earthly life in exchange for my eternal one. No greater love has ever been given. Help me reflect that gift that I don’t deserve but hope to share with those around me.

love,

Peace: No Longer Living with Shame in God’s Presence

Devotionals, Stay SaneJuly 11, 2018September 8, 2019

The everlasting love God lavishes on us through His Son is revolutionizing. We no longer live with shame, but have peace in His presence.

In high school I went on a trip with my youth group. We slept in sleeping bags on the floor of an attractive, comfortable church. It was located close to the inner city where we conducted back yard bible clubs during the day. Looking back, it seems silly to have driven several hours away to engage children in a different state when there were plenty who needed love in our own. But that’s beside the point.

During my excursion to the south, I grew rather chummy with a cute boy in my group. By mid-week I was feeling convicted about stealing away to the church’s nursery to make out. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris had just been published that year. Purity ring sales were skyrocketing among church-goers and girls everywhere were swearing off dating. Initially, I was in hearty agreement. I thought dating was a waste. Truthfully, I was pretty annoying about it. I remember mouthing off about a couple of 14/15 year-olds who had started “going-out” in our church. I pompously asked, “Where are they gonna go? They can’t drive!” You could’ve cut my sarcastic disdain with a knife. One of my best friends looked at me and said, “Oh shut-up, Emily!” I kept my opinions to myself after that. He did me a favor.

Ironically, there I was, only a few weeks later, confronted with cravings I’d never experienced before. The timing was completely inconvenient! Talk about embarrassing. The poster girl for no-dating wanted to be a relationship with a boy. It was in a season in my life where my faith was becoming my own and not just a borrowed one. Falling in love with Jesus was exciting! But temptation was knocking and I was searching for ways to have it all. Proverbs warned me about how pride comes before a fall.

Anyone who’s ever been to a church camp knows Thursday night is an emotional one. Our youth leader had purchased a trinket of some sort for every teenager. Taking his time, he passed out each item, sharing why it reminded him of the receiver. When he got to me, he handed me a small figurine of a baby looking up with a monumental pout on its face. He knew what I was wrestling with. Probably more fully than I even did at the time. With compassion in his eyes, he told me he knew I had some tough choices to make, but I could do all things through Christ who would give me strength.

Shame…

Unfortunately, I had developed a wrong view of God and I wasn’t able to receive the encouragement appropriately. I felt scolded. Even more, I thought God was angry and disappointed in me. I knew better. The Old Testament was full of the same repeating story:

God instructs His children
They disobey
God gets angry and turns away
Then God has compassion and makes a new covenant
His people are restored

I didn’t know what I had to do to reconcile with God, but it felt overwhelming. The shame was crushing. I felt marked by sin in a way I’d never imagined. How long would God hide His face from me? Could I bear it?

Everlasting love brings peace…

If I could talk to 15-year-old Emily today I would tell her:

What you’re suffering from, dear one, is the effects of a performance-based relationship with your Creator. And your shame is a result of your wounded pride; not because you’ve grieved the heart of your Father. Jesus is your Lord, but not your Savior. Yes, God did say in Isaiah that He ditched His children and fell off the map for a while.

For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment, I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,’ says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:7-8, ESV

The beauty is, Jesus was the embodiment of the everlasting love in Isaiah 54:8. God made a way to place all His overflowing anger on Jesus…forever. He hid His face from Jesus on the cross. So now, God doesn’t hide from us anymore. We have peace with God because of Christ’s sacrifice. There is never a moment where He cannot immediately be found because of the gift of His Spirit. Emmanuel, God with us. Like the prodigal son, all you have to do is return to Him. Show up. He is waiting, not with a wagging finger and a scowl, but with open arms and a smile on His face. Seek to understand the love God has for you. I assure you, you will not be let down.

We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death He died He died to sin, once for all, but the life He lives He lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 6:9-11, ESV

But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5, ESV

We have peace with God because of Christ’s sacrifice. Click To Tweet

The love of our God is fierce! Nothing is going to stop His pursuit of you!

repentance, conviction, condemnation, Oh Lord Help Us , Christian, women, ministry, scripture

Repentance: Understand the Difference Between Condemnation and Conviction

Devotionals, Stay SaneMay 23, 2018September 8, 2019

Condemnation leads to guilt and shame. Conviction, however, is God’s loving kindness leading us to repentance and back to His refuge.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1, ESV

If that is true, why do so many wrestle with feelings of condemnation? I believe it’s the fine line between condemnation and conviction.

The difference…

Condemnation oozes from the knowledge of laws and rules. When I feel condemned, I seek to soothe the discomfort of guilt and shame. There are plenty of cheerful quotes on Pinterest to set me right. There’s generally glitter and flowers and unicorns on them, too. Or a Chevron pattern. Whatever floats your boat. Frankly, I’ve come to know that condemnation plugs the holes in my boat with a sponge.

When I feel condemned, I seek to soothe the discomfort of guilt and shame. Click To Tweet

Conviction is entirely different because it is borne from the Holy Spirit and leads to repentance. Understanding Almighty God fully loves me means I no longer fear punishment; I know I am His. In response to the sin that separates me from Him, conviction leads me back to His loving arms.

I’m not spending enough time with the Lord.
I don’t have enough self-control.
I’m not good enough for God.

Condemnation screams: “You should be more. You’re not good enough.” Well-meaning friends (and social media) argue “You are enough!” But the guilt perpetuates. Because the reality is—I keep falling off the proverbial wagon and landing face first in the mud. The cycle repeats ad nauseam. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, it’s not the thought that counts. Feeling bad about something and saying I’m sorry is about me. When I feel convicted I have to be vulnerable, repent, and ask forgiveness; because I know what I did caused brokenness.

Conviction says: You’re right. You’re not good enough. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.”(Ephesians 2:4, ESV).

From death to life…

This can be a hard pill to swallow initially. It seems to contradict fairness and encouragement. However, when the Bible talks about us being dead in our sin it’s only figurative to the point that we don’t know when our physical bodies will perish. Yet we are literally spiritually dead as a doornail until God breathes life into our dead souls. We cannot ultimately save ourselves from anything.

No one is getting up and walking out of a morgue. You’re dead on a slab. Resuscitation is off the table—you have to be resurrected.

Edward Hunt, Associate Pastor Sojourn Fairfax

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

John 3:17, ESV

How deep the Father’s love for us! He sent Jesus! It is He who makes us good enough through the work of His Spirit. Friends, it is God’s kindness that is meant to lead us to repentance. Not fear of judgement or completing our check-list of self-punishment.

The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Psalm 34:22, ESV

Refuge…

When the boat is sinking back into condemnation land, or the wagon threatens to throw us off, we must find refuge in Christ. And if we still feel swept out to sea and can’t see any redemption or refuge in sight, let’s do a little backwards planning (as my husband likes to say). The instruction in Psalm 34:22 is to run to the Lord for rescue. Deliverance isn’t found anywhere else.

Those who look to him are radiant with joy; their faces will never be ashamed.

Psalm 34:5, CSB

When sin creeps in, don’t allow condemnation to drown you. Instead, permit conviction to bring you back to the One who loves you with an everlasting love. Take shelter in His arms; and worship your Redeemer.