resentment

Rule Follower

Jesus tells a story about a man who had two sons (Luke 15:11-32). One son asked for his inheritance then took it to live loosely and fast. When this son wakes up and all the money is gone, he decides to return to his father and ask for forgiveness. The father forgives the wayward son and throws a massive celebration. A celebration that causes the son who stayed behind to be irritated and upset. I am that older son.

Keller says that people tend to fall into two camps. They look for satisfaction in either moral conformity or personal discovery. It’s pretty easy to see which one I fall into. I have always been a rule follower. I liked coloring in the lines, knowing how things are going to turn out, and depending on clear expectations. Knowing I can expect a + b = c. But, most of us know life doesn’t work this way…

Does It Matter?

There are really very few things we can count on. The older I get the more I know this to be true. As a young person, I poured myself into education, my children, my home. These weren’t bad things. I put my efforts there because I knew the scriptures commanded it. But my heart was not in line with my obedience and this is a problem.

I don’t know why it is hard for me to believe that I am unconditionally loved and accepted, but it is. I see that in the things that make me angry and discouraged. When one of my children struggles, I can quickly think: I don’t deserve this. The older brother was mired in this type of thinking. He told his father, “I have not even asked for so much as a goat” (Luke 15:29). This really cuts to the quick. Inherent in this conversation is a realization that all of his hard work didn’t seem to matter; that the son who left and wasted resources still got a celebration.

What to Expect

There is another parable similar to it where a man hires workers (Matthew 20:1-16). Each worker is hired later and later in the day and when the day is over, they all receive the same pay. The ones hired in the morning are pretty upset that they do not get more than the ones hired later. But, the manager says, “Did I not clearly tell you what to expect?” (Matthew 20:13).

Hasn’t Christ clearly told me what to expect. There will be suffering in this world. He will see me through to the end. I am loved with an everlasting love. I can quickly think I am not getting what I deserve. But there’s something better. Something I cannot see with my eyes or touch with my hands.

Never forget your promises to me your servant, for they are my only hope. They give me strength in all my troubles; how they refresh and revive me! Proud men hold me in contempt for obedience to God, but I stand unmoved.

Psalm 119:49-51, NLT

What can I do when I find myself angry that others get what I want or think I deserve? I confess it to Him, who wants to celebrate with me. He knows I will be tempted to rely on my own righteousness and this will cause me to fall into despair and even pride. But the Father was generous and patient with both sons. He wanted both sons to come to celebrate.

Pursued

God knows my heart and how tempted I am to rely on something besides His cross. He knows I am tempted to rely on my own ability to do the right thing until I just can’t push any harder or do anymore. The Lord pulls me to Himself and listens to my confession: all my running has been like chasing after the wind. He is good that way.

God did not pursue me because He knew I could figure this all out and turn my life around. He pursued me because He knew I could not. I am tempted to think I can with a little more effort. But thanks be to God, it was not my effort that drew Him to me. And it does not draw Him to you either. He forgives. He changes us. God looks for the lost coin and sheep. Even the ones who don’t think they are in need. I am grateful for that kind of God. I know you must be too.

The holiday season can quickly bring up old wounds and resentments within us that cause pain or anger. Leaving the past behind enables us to love freely.

Most of us have spent the first of America’s two major holidays of the year with members of our extended family. For various reasons, many of these family members are so out of our daily orbit that we only see them once or twice a year.

This could be a happy thing or an annoying thing. It depends on whether we’re talking about the favorite cousin with whom you had a blast when you were young, (yay!), or the rude uncle who always teased you until you cried and then laughed at you, (boo!). I imagine few of us have only Hallmark memories of the holiday season, but for those of you who do, I salute you. This piece may not be for you.

Expectations

Any therapist will tell you that depression and anxiety are higher around the holiday season. Sometimes it’s due to this being the first major holiday without a loved one (or the 10th), but very often it is due to family relationships and expectations, whether our own or what we perceive others have placed upon us.

Family systems therapists will tell us that unless we have differentiated from our family of origin, we can’t go home without being pulled back into the role we played within our family. I know; it stinks. But if you haven’t recognized it, you will.

The same, old resentments seem to resurface when the family gathers for any length of time – often for reasons that aren’t immediately clear. Siblings begin behaving in familiar, juvenile ways they would never exhibit with anyone outside of the family circle. Underlying tension can be felt by all. Anxiety hums beneath the piety. Maybe some false good cheer.

Triggers

The felt tension or anxiety may trigger excess drinking for some families. It could also cause mom to amp up the superficial happiness as she attempts to please everyone and keep the peace. These coping mechanisms numb the pain and eliminate the need to address any uncomfortable topics. Family members with less patience or tolerance, (or perhaps more emotional health,) start to exit, sometimes angrily, sometimes in tears, always with relief…

Another happy holiday is behind us!

Haven’t we all laughed – or cried – at the numerous holiday movies that portray these very scenarios?

Psychologically, there is so much more that can be said concerning this topic. I spent 20 years living the above. Then, I thought if I studied it and understood it rationally, I could master the resentment and bitterness that had welled up within me. Despite my Bible knowledge, despite my growing academic knowledge, every year, every holiday I was gobsmacked yet again by the very same family dynamics that had entrapped me the year before!

Finally, after a professor recommended it, I sought therapy. Accompanied by prayer and spiritual retreats, and by God’s grace and mercy, God revealed to me how I had held on to all the pain – every. single. year. of pain. Doing so had not only deeply burdened me, but had laden me down with unforgiveness toward my family. I was so busy storing up the injustices, the barbs and ongoing criticisms, the substance abuse, that I was incapable of loving them with the love of Christ.

Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:18-19, NKJV

Free

The Spirit of God released me from my heavy load of pain and unforgiveness, instructing me to not dwell on the past. Believe me when I say that it wasn’t a once-for-all occurrence for me. It happens that way for some but was a slow sanctification process for me. However, the God who could make rivers in a desert, could and did deliver me from my sin and my past that had strangled me.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,

I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14, NKJV

Sisters lay it down. Aren’t you tired?

Whatever it is that you have been dragging around behind you, that deep sorrow in your soul for so many years; put it in Jesus’ hands. It’s wearisome to continue to carry it around. God’s Spirit may instruct you to take additional steps; I don’t know. But I do know that clinging tenaciously to past wrongs is death to us. By His grace and power, choose to leave it in the past and press on toward the prize, the upward call of God in Christ.

You are so worth it…because you are His.

Whatever it is that you have been dragging around behind you, that deep sorrow in your soul for so many years; put it in Jesus' hands. Click To Tweet