You Are Beautiful

I acknowledge that my life has been blessed. I was raised by a mom and dad who loved each other, and loved all four of us kids. I still have good relationships with all of my siblings. I married a man who adores, supports, and encourages me. He is hard working and has provided well for our family. My children are healthy, and (most of the time) fun to be around. I wonder at times if others see my life, and think that I have it all together. I’m not sure what they see, but I know that they don’t see it all.

What others may not see…

People didn’t see me when my mom died, and how I lost it at work having to excuse myself from a patient because the tears just would not stop. No one saw the chasm that was growing between my husband and I during that time because we were both so steeped in self-pity. They didn’t see the guilt I carried because I was the only one of my siblings not present when she died. Others didn’t see the whirlwind of busy work I was doing because I wanted to avoid dealing with the grief.

Others also didn’t see me grow bitter when my husband’s job wasn’t enough to support us. Or when he was out of work. They didn’t see the bitterness grow to anger against God when we stepped out in faith to begin a business, only to have years of financial hardship follow.

No one saw the hurt I held on to when rejection from others happened, and then happened again, and then yet again. They didn’t see me sitting in church alone because I was told “no” when I asked to sit next to someone. People didn’t see me crying in the car, begging my husband to not ask me to go back to church.

They didn’t see me as a new mom, completely unsure of myself, not knowing what I suppose to do. Wasn’t I suppose to love this little person, half me/half my husband, right from the start? I didn’t. I felt trapped. I screamed, and cried, and had melt downs. And when the second child came, it all started over again. People didn’t see the bruises on my legs from where I hit myself repeatedly because I hated who I was. It’s hard when you don’t like yourself, there’s nowhere to go to get away. Unless I chose to drink. Yeah, they didn’t see that either.

People don’t see the days that I can’t seem to do anything other than lose myself in mindless activities, trying to find things to do so I can ignore the things I need to be focused on. No one sees me struggle with certain aspects of my faith, questioning in silence because I’m afraid of the response from others.

My life is kind of like my house. It looks clean when you walk in, but please don’t go into my closet, or try to open a drawer. It’s the inside where the mess lies. My life, like my house, can be quite messy.

No matter how good the lives of others may seem, we don’t know what mess there is inside of them. Inside of all of us there is a mess, but… Oh friends, I am so thankful to have a “but” in my life story. I am messy, but God… thinks I am beautiful. When he sees me, he sees someone who is perfectly imperfect. He has taken my messed up life, redeemed it, and is making it beautiful.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6, ESV

How about you?

The Lord also tells us, through the prophet Isaiah, that He will replace our mourning. He will give us beauty. His healing and redemption is what makes us beautiful.

Mourning involves admitting that there is, in fact, a mess. It’s acknowledging the reality of our situation. When we stop pretending, stop running, stop lying to ourselves and others, then we give the Lord the freedom to transform it into beauty.

So… What kind of messes are in your life?

Messy, but God… thinks you are beautiful.

(And I think you’re beautiful too!)