Many years ago, when my mother was incredibly ill, we moved to a new state. As the income producer in our two person family, I was adjusting to a new job while my husband went back to school full-time. Then, a month after being there, my mother passed away. These were major life stressors occurring all at once. Looking back, I wish I had handled it differently. It was a season of absolute chaos, but instead of being still and allowing my heart to heal, I was busy doing “good works” trying to serve others with an empty heart. This resulted in becoming angry at the Lord for “letting me down” and feeling insecure in my relationship with my husband and family and friends. It was the start of a long spiral down into negativity and bitterness.
Recently, as life has gotten a bit more hectic than normal, I made a decision to go into hiding. I learned from that experience many years ago, and knew that I needed to respond differently. I felt that exposing the chaos in my life to as few people as possible was the wise thing to do, and I do not regret the decision. My husband, my parents, and maybe a couple others are the only ones who knew the stress and anxiety I was dealing with. My husband alone is the only one I was completely honest with and could fully express myself to. No one else should ever have to see that amount of craziness!
My life was completely out of balance, there were few moments when being still was possible. There was little time to refill my soul, so I protected what precious time I had by going into hiding. Hiding for me meant:
Minimal time on social media. By doing this, I didn’t waste time comparing myself to what other people were doing,
Rarely spending time on this ministry. With my heart being out of balance, I was not able to keep my focus where it needed to be. Instead of focusing on what the Lord was doing, I kept trying to take over and make it about myself.
Being picky about committing my time to other people. I had to commit the time I had to my husband and children, and maybe the dog, so I committed to only a few things.
Avoiding negative people. I only talked with people who brought support and encouragement.
Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10, ESV
It’s just not realistic to be always calm amidst chaos. Therefore, I didn’t fear this time of being out of balance. I knew it was a season that was temporary, but I also knew I needed to protect myself. In times of chaos, my heart becomes incredibly vulnerable. I get defensive when it’s not necessary, my feelings get hurt for no reason, I feel insecure, and I’m not able to filter the comments of others. I had nothing extra to give, so I saved what I had for those closest to me.
Going into hiding when things are chaotic is not necessarily the best decision for everyone, or for every situation. We don’t need to hide from everyone. We need the support of others who will be encouraging and who will pray for us. We are not meant to carry our burdens alone. And we don’t need to hide every time life becomes chaotic. There are times to let others see our struggles, and see where we gain our strength.
I highly value being real and transparent. I don’t want to live life with a facade that I “have it all together,” because I absolutely do not. But it’s not necessary to be transparent with everyone. It takes trust to open my vulnerable heart with others. If it’s going to be met with criticism or people trying to put a “band-aid” on it, then I don’t let them in. Chaos makes other people feel uncomfortable and they will try to solve the chaos rather than let my heart be still and be healed by the Healer.
Hiding is only good temporarily. I know that it is unhealthy to stay in hiding forever. Thankfully this season of chaos has subsided, and I have been able to find balance again, taking care of my mind, body, and soul. I am back to being healthy. I know there will be seasons of chaos again, and when they come I will take whatever time I have to be still.
Are you in hiding? How do you find time to be still when life is chaotic?
xoxo
Sorry about your mom Rachael. I love your thought process. Yes in times of chaos, there is time to hide and time to be open. At times people want you to be around them, socializing & stuff, but some chaotic moments don’t allow that.
In times of chaos for me,I love to be discreet about it.My husband would know off course. At times people don’t get what’s going on & they talk irresponsibly or try to put their two cents in the whole matter, whilst their advice isn’t the best. Most of the times they mean well. My spiritual growth has come through chaos , for the most part. It’s like God allowing stuff to happen, so that when I pass the test, He upgrades me spiritually.
Very true. It is easy to feel guilty when others are expecting something from us that we are not able to give. Hopefully I am able to communicate that, and for those individuals to not feel offended or take it personally. And yes, sometimes it is necessary to bite my tongue and trust that their intentions are good!