“You had an awful week! Why are you not wanting to relax? Why are you so determined to get this done right now?”

“Umm, because I’m a woman!”

My husband and I rarely argue, but there was definitely an argument brewing. It was the culmination of stress, exhaustion, and the need for control.

Before sharing more about this argument, allow me to share with you what the past 2 months of my life has been like:

We were in South Carolina to clean out our house, which was set to close at the end of the month. While there, my husband was still working, and I had a couple Gatherings that took place. We packed up the decor in the house, sold the majority of the furniture we had left there, and gave it a good cleaning. My husband came back to North Carolina with all 3 children and the dog, while pulling a trailer. I drove on to Birmingham to run a marathon.

Closing in South Carolina went without a hitch, so I figured I better start packing for the house we were under contract for. I packed up that house in 5 days. On the 10th of March we closed on our home (which I am not leaving for at least 20 years).

Desperate to feel settled, I was unpacking boxes like a crazy woman. But because we sold most of our furniture, I was stuck not having a place to put things. This resulted in multiple projects occurring simultaneously. Before I had finished painting an old dresser, I had purchased an antique table to refinish. So much for parking in the garage I so desperately wanted. My time was also spent preparing to rent out the house we had just moved from. This involved cleaning, painting, removal of debris, cleaning, and a bit more cleaning. And I ran another marathon.

March went out, and April came in with two projects going in the garage, family in town visiting, and showing the rental house. Y’all, getting that house rented was nuts! There were so00 many inquiries. I was overwhelmed by emails and phone calls. Oh, and all three of my kids came down with the flu. And my husband was traveling for work. Good times.

The Allusion of the Illusion

So now to this argument… My husband had just gotten back in town. Kids are sick. Furniture is still in the garage. And what do I want to do? Paint. I want that cheap-contractor-flat-beige-paint to be gone! Why? Because that needs to be done before we can hang these cool barn wood shelves I bought. And I need the shelves put up because I need a place to put the stuff that is in these boxes. And I need these boxes to go away so I can feel at home. And I need to feel at home so I can relax.

God bless my husband. He is such an amazing man. On Saturday, we did indeed paint. The argument came on Sunday when I started talking about where else I wanted to paint.

“You had an awful week! Why are you not wanting to relax? Why are you so determined to get this done right now?”

“Umm, because I’m a woman! And I want to feel at home in my home! And… because I can control what color this room is, but I can’t make my kids better!”

Aah, yes. My need for control. Control is the allusion of an illusion. The allusion of controlling my circumstances hints that I actually have control over something. This control however, is an illusion. It’s fake. I cannot control the outcome of my day any more than I can control the sunshine or the rain.

…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:14-15, ESV

I did end up painting the dining room (all by myself). I realized though, I needed to slow down. I had been in a sprint for so long I was beginning to crumble. It is normal and natural to want to feel at home in my home. It’s understandable to want to spend time making our new house feel that way. I’m finding my endurance pace again. A realistic routine that allows me to be healthy; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A routine allowing flexibility, because we all know that control is a myth. It does not exist.

Now…. The dresser is done. The shelves are hung. The kitchen table…well, that deserves it’s own blog post, but it’s almost done. My children are back to healthy. And I’m back to being calm, cool, and collected. Hahahahahaha!!!!! How about simply calm-er?

Thank you Lord, for creating me with passion and drive. Please help me to see when it becomes obsession, and bring my focus back to you. Only in you, Lord, can I find peace. Only in you, can I relax and be myself.







About the author
Rachael Smith motivates women to break free from the lies they have believed and live a life of freedom, teaching that God's truth allows us to be who we are created to be. She has a passion for women, and a willingness to walk through the hard stuff with them.

This calling on her life led her to begin, and grow a nonprofit that works with young women who have aged out of foster care. Rachael believes we all have the ability to redeem the past and change the future.