judgement – Oh Lord Help Us

Fear, judgment, afraid, priorities, value, assurance, hope, Oh Lord Help Us, Christian, women, mentor, ministry, nonprofit

Healthy Fear: Identifying Values and Mirroring the Messiah’s Love

DevotionalsSeptember 15, 2019September 16, 2019

Anxiety, worry, and stress all result from an underlying pulse of unhealthy fear. No one is immune and control is an illusion. What are you tempted to fear most, and what does it say about the things you value? How can we tell between healthy fear and an unhealthy one?

Things We Love

What are some important things in your life? You can probably rattle off a few pretty quickly. My thoughts immediately go to my kids, turning in my grad papers on time, and protecting Thursday night quality time with my man.

Now, I did not say the most important thing—just the stuff that instantly springs to mind. Likely, there is nothing bad about these priorities individually. However, depending on the level of passion we display to protect them, healthy fear can be thrown out of balance before we realize it. As a result, we begin to worry.

Unhealthy Fear

It was recently brought to my attention which unhealthy fear sits at the top of my list. It is not a phenomenon. Actually, it’s quite common.

How was I enlightened? Well, among three categories (money and possessions — people and their judgments — death, pain, and punishment) I had to answer which one I am most tempted to fear. Before reading into each classification I assumed it would end up being pain. While that certainly is not appealing, the prospect of pain is surprisingly low on my list of daily anxieties.

A few weeks ago, I would have confidently said I don’t care what others think about me because I know who I am in Christ.

Turns out, I have a persnickety care meter.

Actions Speak Loudly

It is not what we say, but what we do that defines us. For instance, I say I like to go camping—which is very true—but I haven’t been in three years. I like the idea of hiking and being out in nature is extremely soothing and grounding. Yet despite my ultra-hip metal REI coffee mug, no one would classify me as an outdoorsy chick.

When I started thinking about what controls my routine thoughts, it wasn’t fear of getting into an accident or the ravages of cancer. Now, I don’t want to diminish the suffering those circumstances bring. It is simply to say they do not linger at the forefront of my worries. In relation to pain, I have a healthy fear of the Lord. Suffering is an inevitable part of life, but not a thing to live in fear of. I trust to have grace for what will come.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16, ESV

What Fear Reveals

Remarkably (to me anyway), fear of people and their judgments crossed my finish line with flying colors. Oddly enough, I sense it the most with strangers.

When I’m in my car I’ll feel myself getting anxious over what another driver might be thinking when I take the right-of-way. I wonder if other motorists get frustrated with me when I fail to go as fast as they clearly want to on a two-lane road. In check-out lines, I tend to hang back so the person in front of me doesn’t feel rushed by my presence. Also, I act overly cordial, even giving apologetic smiles to other patients in waiting rooms when my number is called. But why?

I consider myself to be polite, but I will be honest. I know my overt friendliness toward people, whom I will likely never see again, is for the sake of my own comfort. My fear is betraying me. It has a spotlight on what I crave. It’s screaming what is important to me: My reputation and the respect and adoration of people.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.
Proverbs 29:25, ESV

Calming Fear

How do we find a healthy fear balance? We have heard to “Love God and love others.” Amen. But those are thirty thousand-foot directions. God knows we will wrestle with fear. He repeatedly says in His Word, “Do not fear,” “Do not be afraid,” “Do not be anxious.” These are not empty words to get us to be quiet or chill out. God is not annoyed by our anxieties like we may be with one another.

I’ve been guilty of saying something meant to soothe, but I delivered it with a self-serving motive. “Just turn your lamp on and go back to bed. You’ll be okay.” (Please don’t wake me up again.) “You know it’ll work out…” (I don’t want to step into your pain.)

History is proof that human beings are fickle in the help department. At best, they’re unreliable sources of protection. Yahweh, on the other hand, has always proven trustworthy.

God Speaks to Fear

When God tells us not to be afraid or anxious, He always follows up with promises, assurances, direction, and hope.

I am with you
I will strengthen you
I will uphold you
I care for you
I will give you peace
I will guard your heart
I have redeemed you
I will never leave you or forsake you
I will rescue you
I will fight for you
I provide for you
I am the First and the Last
I sustain you
I will help you
I keep you safe
I will deliver you

Take some time to meditate on these passages. [Deuteronomy 3:22, 31:6; Psalm 34:7, 55:22, 118:6-7; Proverbs 29:25; Isaiah 35:4, 41:10, 13-14, 43:1; Luke 12:22-26; Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:6-7; Revelation 1:17-18]

When God tells us not to be afraid or anxious, He always follows up with promises, assurances, direction, and hope. Click To Tweet

The Way Ahead

There is only one path forward to effectively vanquish unhealthy fear. First, we seek to know the character and power of Jehovah. Then we practice living the way Jesus modeled for us. His love enables us.

We love because He first love us.
1 John 4:19, ESV

My fears say I want and expect to be loved by everyone, including people who don’t know me. Jesus was not loved by everyone, even the people who had heard about His stellar reputation. Many were more suspicious of His healing power than accepting of it. His hometown even rejected Him. As His follower, why do I assume I will be treated better than the Son of God?

Healthy Fear

Let us ask the Father of mercies to do a work through His Spirit to create the kind of love in us that mirrors His own. This is not easily won, and we can turn methods of “loving others” into ploys to extract more love for ourselves—I’ve done it—so be alert!

If you struggle with fear of man, practice loving others more than you love yourself. That doesn’t mean befriending everyone, but the things they think—perceived or known—will not hold the same weight they once did. This way won’t be free of heartache, of course. Being dismissed is painful. But it will no longer have the ability to derail your allegiance to Jesus Christ.

And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear Him who can destroy both body and soul in hell.
Matthew 10:28, ESV

If we have a healthy fear of Almighty God, the One who loves us and sent His Son to die for us, what is there to fear more? Our hope and our safety have already been secured in Jesus.

If we have a healthy fear of Almighty God, the One who loves us and sent His Son to die for us, what is there to fear more? Our hope and our safety have already been secured in Jesus. Click To Tweet

Staffan Kjellvestad

In Her Corner, episode 6

In Her Corner, Stay SaneJune 5, 2016June 5, 2016

In this episode we meet a mom who is living overseas, and whose son has severe food allergies. This is the first part of the interview, focusing on being a mom who deals with her son’s special diet. Next month we will learn what her life is like living in the Middle East.

This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”

Who she is…

A mom of two boys, living on mission in the Middle East. They are not there as missionaries, but rather living among the people there, building relationships, and being prepared to share the message of Christ with them. Her husband’s career provided an opportunity for them to move there which has been beneficial due to her younger son having extreme food allergies.

Where she is at…

Literally, she is in the Middle East in a country that cannot be disclosed. The government there listens into phone calls, and uses phones to listen to conversations that you are having even if you are not using your phone. She has a secure VPN, so this interview took place via a video conferencing app, after she hid her phone in the other room.

Where she has been…

Things with her son started off difficult at birth. She had wanted a natural, unmedicated birth, and things were going as planned, up until she reached 10cm. He was coming down the birth canal throat first, which could have caused his neck to snap. Suddenly, everything changed. They were putting her under anesthesia in order to perform a c-section. The last thing she heard before going under was a nurse yelling that she couldn’t hear a heartbeat. When she awoke, she was in a room by herself feeling the fear that she had lost her son. Thankfully, he survived.

He was a slow grower, but initially they were not concerned. Both she and her husband are small people, so they naturally assumed he was just going to small. At eight months, however, they were really concerned with his lack of growth, and they started going in for monthly weight checks. She felt like nursing him was not enough, and he wasn’t interested in solids so they started giving him raw goat milk, which did help, but not a enough.

Around 10 months old he started to eat more solids. Then the rash started. By 12 months he was covered in what the doctors thought was eczema. Every doctor she went to prescribed him steroids, but she felt in her gut that is wasn’t truly eczema. It got to the point where he didn’t have any skin left. She would get him up in the morning and she would see blood in his crib.

“He looked like a burn victim.”

It took 6 months of searching for an answer before she found another mom whose child dealt with the same thing. They went to see the specialist that this mom recommended. What they discovered was that his intestinal wall was basically mesh. Everything he ate was leaking into his blood stream. His body was making allergies in order to fight the food particles.

The doctor started him on a series of injections that were specifically formulated for his body. These injections, that he receives every 2 weeks, were to begin right as they were going to be moving to the Middle East. The doctor, who said that her son is the worst case he has ever seen, taught her how to administer the injections so she could do it while they were over seas. They have seen a huge improvement in the past 9 months, with just occasional breakouts on his skin. They will eventually start spreading out the frequency of injections until they are able to wean him off.

Because his body develops new allergies due to the food particles leaking into his blood stream, they have to cycle his food. This way his body doesn’t have a chance to develop an allergy. At one point there were only 5 foods that he could eat, now he can have 30 different items.

His body is still not able to fully digest his food. He is not able to absorb all the nutrients of the food he consumes and this results in eliminating solid pieces of food. He was 18 months old before having a normal poop.

All she wants is for her son to be healed. Right before this past Christmas she saw that all his toenails needed to be cut. This was a gift of hope that his body is healing because he had so infrequently needed his nails trimmed. Now that his body is absorbing nutrients, his fingernails and hair are actually growing. He has gained 3.5lbs. in the past 9 months.

What her days look like…

She spends a lot of time cooking and preparing food for her son in large quantities and freezes them in individual portions. Then she cycles through them to make it easier for her to plan and keep track of his limited meal options.

It has been helpful living in the Middle East due to the dry climate and being close to the water. But it has been difficult trying to explain to people in a culture that loves to share and give food why they can’t do this for her son when she does not speak their language. She has learned the word for infection, but still struggles with communication.

“I was trying to explain to someone that he has an allergy. In arabic it would have been translated literally, ‘the infection belongs to him.’ But how it came out was, ‘No thank you, you have an infection.’“

Food allergies are not common there. The diet consists mostly of rice and fresh fish. Grocery shopping is difficult because items come in on ship freighters, and there are not regular shipments of them. If there is an item she likes to buy for her son, but they run out, it may be another 6 months before it is back in stock.

“I have started hoarding!”

What her strengths are…

She is an organized person that likes schedules and lists. It has been fun for her to learn new recipes and be creative with the few foods he can have.

What she struggles with…

Even though she likes planning, she is not always good at implementing. She tends to procrastinate which results in running out of stuff which results in him not eating as healthy as he should on some days.

She struggles that they can’t all sit down and eat the same meal. She hates that she has to always carry food around with her.

This aspect of their lives has been a burden that she has been carrying for a while now, and because of this she has adjusted to the weight of the load. She looks forward to when she no longer has to be consumed with food rotations being a part of her everyday life.

What her fears are…

She is nervous about putting him in school if things are not yet cleared up. She worries that he will eat things that he is not suppose to because she won’t be there to monitor.

She is afraid that he won’t ever get better. And she wants to make sure that he doesn’t feel limited in life by this.

What her joys are…

It has been sweet for her to see how her older son is super protective.

She believes that their family is becoming more like Christ, having to serve her son by sacrificing at times what the rest of them want to do. It has made them more unified as a family.

How she stays sane…

Starbucks.

“I used to go running, but I can’t go running here. I can’t dress modestly enough to run in the heat.”

The Starbucks there is exactly the same as a Starbucks in America, so it is a piece of home.

She also takes an arabic class twice a week that has given her something to focus on.

What she wants others to understand…

“Before we had a diagnosis, everybody under the sun had an article for us to read, and an essential oil to put on him.”

Don’t be so quick to offer information, instead offer a listening ear.

“I’m already overwhelmed, in the doctor’s office trying to figure it out, spending so much money on yet another treatment.”

She feels grateful when people validate what she deals with.

“Someone saying ‘Man, that takes a lot of energy.’ has meant more to me than anything else.”

Oh mommas! We never really know what others are dealing with. Let’s encourage one another, support one another, and love one another. Hang in there momma, you got this!

Are you a momma that needs encouragement? Do you know someone that needs someone in her corner? I would love to meet her! Please feel free to contact me and we can chat.

xoxo

How Do We End the Judgement?

Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 21, 2015January 29, 2016

We have all been there. We have been the one standing alone while others made snide comments and pointed and laughed (although it may just have been in our minds). And we have also been the one commenting and pointing and laughing (even if it has just been in our minds). Nobody wins. Everybody feels cruddy after the fact.

Here’s What Happened

I found myself in this situation a couple weeks ago while my sons were at swim lessons. There is this one 5 year old boy in my younger son’s class that is, how shall I say….,very active. Now, I am no stranger to active little boys. I have boys, my friends have boys, I’m married to a man that used to be a boy. So I was not concerned with his activeness. I was concerned with how little regard this boy had for authority. Completely ignoring his mother, the teacher, and the lifeguard. This is scary to me because, hello! These are kids in water! The first couple weeks I was unconcerned, no judgement, just observation.

But then, a couple weeks ago, I crossed the line into judgement. The mom had told her son for the 14th time to put something away. Instead of obeying he threw a temper tantrum. And then… she gave in and handed it back to him. I’m so thankful that the pool area is loud and echo-y because a comment actually slipped out of my mouth. But then I felt cruddy. (And if by some bizarre chance this dear mom is reading this, please know that I did feel cruddy and I am sorry.)

Now, am I wrong to think that she could have handled that differently? I don’t think so. But I was wrong to point (in my mind) and make a snide comment (in actuality). I don’t know this lady. I don’t know what her marriage is like, or if she is even married. I don’t know what she deals with on a daily basis with her son. I do know that she was frustrated and probably could have used some encouragement.

At that moment I was not in the frame of mind to actually encourage her. But I did think of a dear friend that I know feels overwhelmed at times when dealing with her son. So I texted her a simple message of “I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.”

So What Do You Think?

Is it judgement just to disagree with someone? Their parenting style, their health choices, the way they communicate. In our culture right now we are so concerned with not offending people that we are more afraid than ever to disagree, but have never been more judgemental. Maybe if we learn to understand people, and/or assume the best of them, we can get beyond ourselves and leave the judging thing to The Lord. He’s the only one that truly knows our hearts anyways, right?

So then, how do we encourage those around us? Whether it is someone we love, or a stranger, we can all use a bit of encouragement. And isn’t it true that the areas we need the most encouragement are the areas we are weakest in. Which means these areas are the most vulnerable to being “judged” because we are not doing them as well as we would like.

Perhaps we need to encourage “in faith.” In faith, I want my son to be a hard worker; so I praise him for being a hard worker. Our children will be what we tell them they are. So isn’t this true for others. If you want someone to be a good mom and for them to feel that they are, then tell them they are.

And finally, isn’t this true for ourselves. Don’t we deserve to encourage our own souls?

Stop judging others, and stop judging yourself. In faith, encourage the area that is weakest.

xoxo