Throughout the Bible the Lord calls His people to action. The same is still true today, so how are we to respond to that calling?
There are many things that my kiddos do that drive me nuts. One of them is when I call them, and they say, “what” or “yeah”. My older son now knows how to respond, but my younger son is still learning. This is usually how it goes:
This is the point that I say the command. This is the point that I know he is really listening.
(Please note!! This is not a parenting blog, I am by no means telling anybody how their children should respond or how to train your children. You gotta do parenting the best way that works for you and your family.)
So what about us? How do we respond when we are being called?
Present
I am currently going through the bible study Seamless, by Angie Smith (which is an amazing way to see how the whole bible is woven together). Early in the study I saw a theme emerging of God calling people, and the way they responded. The first example, and the one I’m going to focus on, is Abraham.
After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.”He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.”So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him… Abraham said, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.” So they went both of them together… Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.”He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.” Genesis 22:1-3, 8, 10-12
This is how I picture this happening in today’s setting
God: Hey Abraham!
Abraham: Yes, I’m here.
God: You know your son?
Abraham: Who?
God: You know, your only son. The one you waited decades for and didn’t have until you were a hundred?
Abraham: Oh yeah, him. What about him?
God: I want you sacrifice him.
Craaaaaaa-zeeeeee!
Responding to God’s call…
Respond immediately
There is no hesitation in Abraham’s response. He doesn’t even know the exact location of where he is to go. He just knows he needs to go. God only gives us the information we need at the moment we need it, not before.
Trust God’s timing
Isaac was actually not his only son. There was also Ishmael. But Isaac was the one promised to him to be the inheritance of a great nation. Ishmael was born as a result of Sarai trying to make God’s promise happen in her timing, and not God’s. God’s promises will come in God’s timing.
Trust God for provisions
When his son, Isaac, asks where the sacrificial lamb is, Abraham immediately responds with “God will provide.” At his ripe old age, Abraham has learned to trust God’s calling. Whatever the situation calls for, he knows that God will provide whatever is needed in order to accomplish the calling.
Other examples of responding to God’s calling (just in case you are curious)…
Jacob: And God spoke to Israel in visions of the night and said, “Jacob, Jacob.” And he said, “Here I am.”Then he said, “I am God, the God of your father. Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for there I will make you into a great nation. Genesis 46:2-3
Moses: And Moses said, “I will turn aside to see this great sight, why the bush is not burned.”When the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, “Moses, Moses!” And he said, “Here I am.” Exodus 3:3-4
Samuel: Then the Lord called Samuel, and he said, “Here I am!” 1 Samuel 3:4
Isaiah: And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.” Isaiah 6:8
Ananias: Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” Acts 9:10
Your turn…
What are you being asked to do?
Are you trusting God’s timing, or yours?
Looking back on your own life, how have you seen the Lord provide?
This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”
Who she is…
A wife, a mom to a 15 year old son (who lives with his father), a 6 year old girl and 3 year old twin boys, and a lover of Jesus. And she lives her life with lupus. She says it is “her lupus” because she owns it, it doesn’t own her. Lupus is an autoimmune disease that can attack any organ in the body. It will have seasons of flare-ups and then a period of remission. She was diagnosed in 2009 while pregnant with her daughter.
She had been exhibiting symptoms like feeling achy, or a fever for a year but was ignoring it, thinking that she was simply stressed or not eating well. After finding out that she was pregnant, she had blisters show up on her skin that resembled shingles. Her doctor agreed, and prescribed her medication. Her rate of deterioration quickened at this point. Fevers were occurring more frequently, and she was always exhausted, but she explained this away as simple pregnancy symptoms. Then the cough began, and she started to think it was the flu, but she wasn’t able to shake it. The nurse at her OB office told her to go to the ER. At the ER, they did blood work, and the results were off the charts. No one had any idea what was going on. It was so abnormal that they sent her to see an oncologist.
Within weeks she had marks that looked like bruises all over her skin. Her hair began falling out. She was not able to walk due to the pain in her hips. Her husband would have to pick her up and carry her up the stairs or to the car. He would come home at lunch to help her get to the restroom. She wasn’t able to eat. Everything tasted like glass, and it was too painful to even lift an ensure bottle. All she could do was lay there and look at the ceiling. She was giving up on life.
“While I was immobile, lying on my bed staring at the ceiling, I would talk with God, asking Him why this was happening? My eyes then focused on the textured ceiling and I could she the outline of a Jesus fish. I could hear him say, ‘I’m not through with you yet.’ From that point on, I didn’t have any more thoughts of giving up.”
They finally were able to determine that she had lupus. And had started her on prednisone, which she still currently takes. It helped, and she was finally able to eat, but it made her become jittery. She became paranoid, and unable to sleep.
The pregnancy had exacerbated the lupus, bringing out the symptoms and causing them to be more severe. She then switched to a high-risk OB, who told her they would try to get her and the baby to 26 weeks.
Her OB gave her Ambien to help her sleep. At first, she didn’t want to take it, afraid that she wouldn’t wake up. One day while asleep, her husband noticed that her complexion did not look normal, she looked very ashen. That same day, her rheumatologist called and said that she needed to get to the hospital right away for a blood transfusion because her hemoglobins were at a dangerously low level that could cause her body to fail. A low hemoglobin count means that there is not enough oxygen for the body. A normal count is between 11 and 14. Her count was 5.3. They administered a transfusion which brought her up to 7. Two days later she went for another that brought her up to 7.7. A third brought her to 9.3, and by the time her daughter was born, she was at 10.
She made it to 37 weeks; her newborn daughter completely healthy!
The drop in hemoglobin could have been due to the lupus attacking the red blood cells, but she believes that it was mostly due to the malnutrition from not being able to eat, and the baby taking what little iron she did have in her body. Lupus can effect any organ of the body; brain, heart, lung, blood, skin. She fears another flare-up will attack her blood. A flare up can effect a person differently each time, and each individual with lupus can be effected differently.
When her daughter was 8 months old, the lupus flared up again, this time attacking her kidneys and once again losing her hair. She was classified with stage 3 kidney disease, and yet another doctor was added to her repertoire. She was on the brink of dialysis, so they tried a medication to help her kidneys but instead she suffered from a rare side-effect that caused a condition with her liver. She decided to try a natural remedy that worked to improve the function of her kidneys without medication. Her kidneys have no remaining damage.
Because the pregnancy with her daughter exacerbated the lupus, they were advised to not have any more children. But they wanted a big family, so after her kidneys improved, they prayed about it and decided to let things happen. They knew that the Lord would take care of it, whatever the outcome, and soon enough she had a positive pregnancy test. Both her and her husband were hoping that she would become pregnant with twins. At her first ultrasound, it was confirmed!
“Praise God! We cried, we held hands, it was wonderful!”
Her body ended up doing better while she was pregnant the second time. Her twins were born nine weeks early, which was honestly really good. Otherwise they would have been too big.
“During that time my hair grew! It was beautiful and long and curly! Woohoo! I was actually able to do things with it. That’s the hair I remember!”
But a year later she started losing her hair yet again. And again she had a rash on her skin. She saw her rheumatologist right away, and they upped her medication so when the flare up did happen it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Thankfully this flare-up did not effect her kidneys, but she did lose all of her hair.
She has to avoid the sun since UvA and UvB rays have been known to induce flares. She keeps sunblock everywhere and covers her skin as much as possible. She keeps hats with her and wears long sleeves and long pants, regardless of the temperature.
Food can also be a trigger. She has been experimenting with her diet, and is trying to avoid dairy, gluten, sugar, certain vegetables, soy, and nuts. She has been learning, and her doctors have supported her, that our immune system is rooted in our gut. If our gut is not healthy, then our immune system cannot function properly. She has seen good results from this, especially in her skin.
“I’m not perfect at it, I definitely like ice cream! But I will feel it in my hips.”
After her twins were born she was diagnosed with avascular necrosis, death of bone tissue, in both hips. In the future she will be having double hip replacement. For now she is stable, aside from not being able to bend well, but she is still able to walk, so they wait and monitor.
“I’ve had to adjust. I used to run, but I can’t do that anymore. The salt water pool is the only way I can get some good exercise!”
What her days are like…
She is constantly being monitored by a variety of doctors, so she has to juggle her appointments, as well as therapy for her twins for developmental issues due to them being born early. In addition to these, she is homeschooling and participates in a co-op. She knows she has to respect her limits and not overdo physical exertion.
“When I’m good, I’m full speed ahead, trying to keep up as best as I can just like every other mom. But when my body is tired, I have to listen to it.”
Her husband handles giving the kids baths, putting them to bed, attends to them during the night. He takes off work on days that she is not able to function, or if she has appointments. They are both incredibly thankful for his employer who is so understanding.
“Without my husband, all of this… He’s my angel. God took two broken people and is writing a beautiful love story.”
What her strengths are…
She knows she has to lean on God.
“I wouldn’t change any of this because it has made me His, for real.”
She is passionate about her relationship with God, and His faithfulness. She has learned to pray about everything and through every trial. She prayed through every sleepless night, every feeding, every struggle. She gets through everything one moment at a time.
What she struggles with…
She struggles with the loss of her hair. Even though a year ago was the third time losing it, it is still difficult. She had always identified herself by how she looked, and being active. She has had to reassess where her identity is, and it is in Jesus. She is still working through it.
She struggles with wanting to do it all, but knowing that she can’t.
“Actually, I struggle with wanting to do all that I want to do! I know I can do what He wants me to do. I pray daily, ‘God, let me accomplish what You want me to accomplish today. Nothing more, nothing less.’ I have to figure out what my motivation is for wanting to do more. Is it for my purpose or His purpose? And then I surrender that and ask for Him to guide me. God has me where He wants me to be. I trust that it is for Him and it is good. And that is enough for right now.”
What her fears are…
She fears having a flare up that would take her away as a mom and a wife. She has to trust that God will take care of them.
“I would lose my hair everyday, as long as I know I’ll be around.”
What her joys are…
Her deep faith, knowing that this experience has brought her to a deeper and more intimate relationship with the Lord.
Her marriage, and the closeness between her and her husband. Her husband has lived up to his vows of for better or for worse.
Her appreciation for life in general. She hears her children’s laughter and feels their joy. It reminds her to enjoy life, and the simple things.
How she stays sane…
“I read my devotional in the bathroom!”
Yes, it is full of toilet paper!
What she wants you to know…
“Even though I’m broken on this earth, I am healed. This is temporary. Yes, there are trials but they draw me closer to the Lord. Don’t let someone tell you that miracles can’t happen, or that your hope is worthless. God is faithful. If you let him in and surrender your life, He will take it and use it. He is writing a really good story.”
And…
“Don’t feel guilty for taking naps!!”
I hope you were encouraged by this momma’s story to persevere and trust the Lord with whatever situation you currently find yourself in. Remember that His desire is to bring you closer in relationship to Him, to trust Him, and to be fulfilled by Him alone. You dear lady are being pursued, and you are enough. No more running, no more striving.
In this post we are discussing the temptation to run away from difficult circumstances and instead change our perspective so that we see that the Lord is pursuing us.
I’m a runner. I’ve been running since I was 14. It is a part of who I am that I love. It is my stress release, and my sanity. Trail running, road running, short, long, fast, or slow. I love being out there experiencing every inch of my journey.
I’m also a runner. I’ve been running my entire life. It is a part of who I am that needs to change. It causes stress, and threatens my sanity. When things get tough, I flee the scene. I hate putting myself out there experiencing the difficult parts of my journey.
When my husband and I moved away from our hometown, my mother was very ill. Fighting to stay alive actually. A month after we left, she was gone. Being in a new city, with a new job, no friends, my “therapy” was to run. That was when I trained for my first marathon. A couple years ago, after my second miscarriage, I told myself I didn’t care. That it was ok because there were other things I would rather be doing. I ended up running my 15th, and fastest, marathon after that.
Now don’t get me wrong, of all the things people can do to cope with grief, running is a pretty healthy one. But eventually I needed to stop running. I needed to deal with the pain. I needed to let God catch me before I totally shut down and shut Him out.
Disclaimer: There are times in life when it is necessary to run away. For instance, God told Joseph to get up in the middle of the night and to flee Egypt with Mary and Jesus. We are not always supposed to stand and fight like David did with Goliath. But even if we do need to flee the scene, we must allow our hearts to see that the Lord is moving us in order to pursue us and to bring us closer to Him and to believe that truth.
“Runners” are people who…
Avoid situations by removing themselves from people or places that make them feel uncomfortable.
This could be walking away from relationships that become too close (leaving us feeling vulnerable), or too difficult (not wanting to deal with the pain of solving conflicts). Or we stop going to church/stores/events/etc. because something or someone offended us. We can’t live life hiding from everything. Eventually we will run out of people to hide from and find ourselves all alone, with God still pursuing. Eventually we will come face to face with Him.
Stay busy to distract themselves so that they don’t use mental or emotional energy that will cause them to feel pain.
This could be letting ourselves be consumed with work, or hobbies, or even good deeds. This can be a fine coping mechanism for short periods of time, but running from pain and heartache will eventually leave us drained with nothing else to give. Eventually we collapse with exhaustion. Eventually we look up to see that God is holding us while we rest.
Try to answer their own prayers, being impatient with God’s timing.
This may seem like a way to tackle things head-on, but it’s still running. Only, instead of running away from God, it’s running ahead of God. We end up lost in dark, confusing places. Eventually we have to call out asking for guidance. Eventually we will see the path that leads to His peace.
What if…
When things get tough, instead of trying to escape, we stayed still and let the Lord meet us in our place of suffering?
When circumstances arise that feel like we are being attacked, we saw them as opportunities for Jesus to pour out love on us?
When matters seem to be forgotten by God, we waited (and waited, and waited…) instead of fixing things ourselves so that we could see His incredible power?
Does this mean that the pain we experience isn’t real? Nope. It means that that real, gut-wrenching pain we feel is going to bring us into a deeper relationship with our Savior if we allow it to.
Does it make it easier? Nope. At least not in that moment. But it does give us hope, and hope is a beautiful thing.
I’m an adventure seeker, risk taker, and a dreamer. And I’ll admit it, I don’t mind a little drama every now and then. Where I struggle is when life is mundane. When it’s the same thing day after day after day. I do like routine, don’t get me wrong. It helps me not have to think so much. But I need a good challenge thrown in there with it.
Driving through the mountains is more enjoyable than driving through corn fields. But much of our life is like driving through the fields of Indiana. Straight and steady. With some windmills (I don’t know what they are an analogy for, it’s just the only thing that’s exciting on I-65).
Right now, I’m driving through Indiana. And I’m not even to the windmills yet. I don’t want to just survive the mundane life. I want to thrive.
Motherhood
This past week I have wanted to turn in my resignation. The only problem is, my job is being a mom. I love my children fiercely, but some days weeks I just want a break. I want to lay in bed and not change diapers, or feed other people, or wash more clothes. I don’t want to say, yet again, “be nice to your brother,” or “get your hands off the wall,” or “you need to help with the dishes.” Day in and day out. When will they ever learn?
How do I thrive?
I talk to people that are a step or two or twenty ahead of me. I need to know that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. I need to know that I’m not alone. I need to know that it is not just me. And I need someone to laugh with at the ridiculousness of it all.
Faith
When life is mundane, my faith is truly tested. Not when facing trials. For me trials bring me closer to The Lord and closer to other people. But doing dishes, and laundry, and feeding children, and wiping noses (and butts), and doing life day after day makes it difficult to feel spiritual.
How do I thrive?
I meet with other believers. When I am in drought, I gleen from their wisdom. When I am unable to pray, I listen. When I am bored with my life, I encourage theirs. We were designed to live out our faith with others.
Marriage
Usually when we go through a period of time where we are just going through the motions, it ends with a bit of an explosion. This then results in good conversation, a deeper understanding of one another, and a closer bond. But I don’t want it to require getting to that point.
How do we thrive?
We should probably not turn the tv on after the kiddos go to bed, but to be honest, that’s all I want to do. I am mentally tired and I just want to drink a glass of wine, watch a silly show, and not think. I don’t want to have deep meaningful conversations every night. But I do want to be with him. So we made it a requirement to sit next to one another while watching a show. And preferably snuggle.
That works for the day to day, but we do need to be able to have deeper conversations and connect sometimes. And the kiddos cannot be there. They just can’t. This means having regular dates (night or day-we actually prefer morning dates). For us it’s once a month. That works with our budget and is typically enough to get us through the next few weeks.
Health
I can eat healthy for several days in a row, and then get so bored with it that I binge on hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes. And doughnuts. I can’t resist the doughnuts. Also, I can exercise regularly for a stretch of time, and then completely lose interest in it.
How do I thrive?
“If we do the same thing we will get the same thing.” This is what my health role model always says. Pretty much we need to mix up the exercises and meals. Running is my thing, but I also cycle, swim, and lift weights. To continue eating healthy, I allow myself to “binge” on a meal once a week, then return to eating healthy. No guilt allowed.
With all of these, I have to remind myself that I am doing what I am meant to be doing and I don’t want to be doing anything else. I want to be healthy, and a good mom, and a loving wife.
Do you struggle with this? Hang in there, mommas! The day to day can wear us down, but know that we can persevere. We don’t want to merely survive the mundane. We want to thrive. How do you thrive within the mundane in your relationships, jobs, etc?
This here is a safe place. A place we can be honest. A place we can trust each other. So please allow me to speak from my heart.
I have often felt like I am ruining my children. And am critical of my body. And am disappointed in myself, annoyed by myself, and frustrated with myself.
But…
Not as much as I once did. (Hallelujah!)
There are times I do not react to my children in the right way. And at times I don’t make healthy choices. At times I do disappointing things, annoying things, and frustrating things.
But…
I am not those things. (Hallelujah!)
I changed the dialogue in my head.
I was already doing this for my children. I speak over them what I want them to be. Sweet, loving, hard working, good. Not always easy to do. Sometimes I want to call them punks, brats, selfish, and annoying. And sometimes they are acting like those things (I’m not unrealistic). But they are not those things.
This may seem so awkward at first. Like you are lying. I assure you, you are being honest with yourself. I guarantee there has been at least one moment in your life you achieved the trait you are aspiring to live out. Think about that time, and speak it over yourself with faith.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Repeat After Me…
I am loved
I am healthy
I am beautiful
I am enough
I am kind
I am generous
I am happy
I am patient
I am fun
I am confident
I am wise
I am a good mom
So what do we do with ourselves when we do fail to be what we aspire to be? Acknowledge it. Confess that it was wrong. Ask for forgiveness (from God, our spouse, our children, our friends). And say…
I am forgiven!
Our actions do not have to define us, but can if we allow them. If we will change the dialogue in our heads, our actions will follow.
Finally, [mommas], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8
xoxo
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We have all been there. We have been the one standing alone while others made snide comments and pointed and laughed (although it may just have been in our minds). And we have also been the one commenting and pointing and laughing (even if it has just been in our minds). Nobody wins. Everybody feels cruddy after the fact.
Here’s What Happened
I found myself in this situation a couple weeks ago while my sons were at swim lessons. There is this one 5 year old boy in my younger son’s class that is, how shall I say….,very active. Now, I am no stranger to active little boys. I have boys, my friends have boys, I’m married to a man that used to be a boy. So I was not concerned with his activeness. I was concerned with how little regard this boy had for authority. Completely ignoring his mother, the teacher, and the lifeguard. This is scary to me because, hello! These are kids in water! The first couple weeks I was unconcerned, no judgement, just observation.
But then, a couple weeks ago, I crossed the line into judgement. The mom had told her son for the 14th time to put something away. Instead of obeying he threw a temper tantrum. And then… she gave in and handed it back to him. I’m so thankful that the pool area is loud and echo-y because a comment actually slipped out of my mouth. But then I felt cruddy. (And if by some bizarre chance this dear mom is reading this, please know that I did feel cruddy and I am sorry.)
Now, am I wrong to think that she could have handled that differently? I don’t think so. But I was wrong to point (in my mind) and make a snide comment (in actuality). I don’t know this lady. I don’t know what her marriage is like, or if she is even married. I don’t know what she deals with on a daily basis with her son. I do know that she was frustrated and probably could have used some encouragement.
At that moment I was not in the frame of mind to actually encourage her. But I did think of a dear friend that I know feels overwhelmed at times when dealing with her son. So I texted her a simple message of “I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.”
So What Do You Think?
Is it judgement just to disagree with someone? Their parenting style, their health choices, the way they communicate. In our culture right now we are so concerned with not offending people that we are more afraid than ever to disagree, but have never been more judgemental. Maybe if we learn to understand people, and/or assume the best of them, we can get beyond ourselves and leave the judging thing to The Lord. He’s the only one that truly knows our hearts anyways, right?
So then, how do we encourage those around us? Whether it is someone we love, or a stranger, we can all use a bit of encouragement. And isn’t it true that the areas we need the most encouragement are the areas we are weakest in. Which means these areas are the most vulnerable to being “judged” because we are not doing them as well as we would like.
Perhaps we need to encourage “in faith.” In faith, I want my son to be a hard worker; so I praise him for being a hard worker. Our children will be what we tell them they are. So isn’t this true for others. If you want someone to be a good mom and for them to feel that they are, then tell them they are.
And finally, isn’t this true for ourselves. Don’t we deserve to encourage our own souls?
Stop judging others, and stop judging yourself. In faith, encourage the area that is weakest.
When I started this series I had in mind what I wanted to say for this final post. But over the past two weeks I have struggled to know how much to share, and unsure if I will be able to express the main point. But here it goes, wish me luck.
Once we moved to South Carolina life was good. I finally felt like I understood what it meant to be living life abundantly (John 10:10). I was finally able to be a stay-at-home mom to our wonderful two boys. I was able to run and bike and swim on a regular basis. I was making wonderful new friends. I was learning and investing at our church. Good, good stuff. Then one Sunday we went to church and life suddenly became very complicated.
Our church was doing a sermon series about the fact that our lives are worship, and all lives have value. From the unborn to the elderly, life is to be cherished. There was a video that was shown that had clips from South Korea showing these box-like things (think big blue post office mailbox) where women could put their unwanted babies. Now, this sounds crude, but we actually provide the same (needed) service here in America. Women can take their unwanted babies, no questions asked, to a hospital, or fire station, or police station. But something about this video shattered my heart. On the way home my husband asks the question, “Soooo, what are you thinking?” I shocked him with, “I think we need to adopt.” That is where this journey began a little over a year ago.
I had never, NEVER, had an interest in adoption. I thought it was a great thing; for other people, that is. But not for us. We were happy to be done with having kids. Ready to move on and have new adventures with our two great guys. Alas, that was not the case. So we talked about international adoption. We have several friends who have done this and I think it’s great, but that wasn’t what we felt was right for us. We talked about domestic adoption. But I felt like, if we wanted another baby we would have another baby. So we talked about fostering. But we thought that would be too hard on our children that get attatched to people so easily. We settled on adopting a young child (or children) that was currently in the foster system. This is known as fostering to adopt, and we are currently working with DSS.
This decision was by no means decided on lightly. First we went to an informational meeting at our church for people interested in adoption. In the class, we were the only ones that went to get information. Everyone else had already adopted and were there to provide support. It was as if there was a panel set up just for us to ask questions. There was a family that adopted a baby from China. A family that adopted a four year old from Belarus. A lady that went through a domestic adoption, as well as fostering other children. All of them had biological children first. Then we spent 3 months just talking about it among ourselves and with The Lord. After that I finally got the courage to call an agency to get the process started. We ended up deciding not to work with this agency, but I will never forget what this lady told me. She said, “now that you have made this decision you are going to start to meet random people that have done foster to adopt, and that is just The Lord providing encouragement for you along this journey.” Oooooo-kaaaaay, I thought, that’s weird. Well sure enough, three days later at my sons tennis class, there was a new mom there and she was telling me about her son. “He’s adopted” she said. I responded with, “really? I would love to hear your story if you don’t mind sharing.” “Not at all” she said, “well, we did foster to adopt.” Of course they did!! I just started laughing and explained to her that we were considering to do that as well. Since then I have indeed met several people who had walked this road before us, some of which have become instrumental to us by encouraging and praying for us on a regular basis.
During this decision making process, something else happened. We got the baby bug which resulted in me getting pregnant which resulted in miscarriage. I was angry, and sad, and all those emotions that come with the loss of life, but it was alright. We decided that it was time to move ahead with the adoption process. So the application was filled out, and sent in. It was the craziest feeling. It truly felt like I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test. I was excited, and scared terrified, and just hoping that it would “stick”. And then I started to love. Just like an expecting mother loves the baby in her womb even though she doesn’t know him/her, I started to love this child/children that are out there. And that love has developed into a yearning to meet them and know them and pour our love into them.
So we went to orientation, got fingerprinted, filled out the ridiculously difficult application, and are currently going through training. This process has changed and is changing us. It has changed how I see my relationship with The Lord.
How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. Ephesians 1:3-6, The Message
It has changed me as a mother. Learning to be patient, and give grace to these little people that God has placed in my care. And finally, I have been learning how to surrender. To give up this idea I have of living a simple, stress-free, I-don’t-want-to-be-bothered kind of life. I want to live a life that has purpose. Two years ago I could not have even considered doing this. My soul was depleted. I was struggling to keep my head above the water, and I felt like I was suffocating. Over the past year and a half, The Lord has filled my cup overflowing, and He has given us such an awesome desire to serve Him by loving and serving His little children. He has led me to “where my trust is without borders.”
Oh, and I’m 14 weeks pregnant.
This is the 4th and final post on a series about Faith, Trust, Surrender.
For awhile it seemed like my life was moving backwards. At 21 I bought my first place. It was this cute 2 bedroom townhouse with an attached garage. Then we moved to Atlanta where we lived in a 500 square foot studio in a high rise. We gained a sweet view of downtown, but we no longer had a washer and dryer. Had to go to the basement for that. There was a parking garage with one assigned spot. Poor hubby had to fight for an open place. Then we moved to the suburbs of Chicago. Here we lost the air conditioning and the dishwasher. Laundry in the cellar, had to go outside to get to it. But at least we could park in the driveway. Then we moved into the city. We got the ac back, but lost parking. Had to find it on the street and dig out our spot when it snowed. Still no washer and dryer, no dishwasher. Also, there was no sunshine. First floor apartments with builings 3 feet away don’t allow for much sun to penetrate. At the next place we got the sunshine back (third floor), but lost the ac again. No ac, no dishwasher, no washer/dryer, no parking. Three flights of stairs and a newborn. Whew!
After a year and a half there we finally were able to buy a house. An actual house! With a yard! It was smaller than the garden we had when I was growing up, but I was thrilled to have it. We got back the ac, the garage, the washer/dryer, and four years after we moved in we put in a dishwasher. We did so much to that house. Complete gut rehab of the second floor. While I was pregnant. We have a picture of me five months pregnant swinging a sledge hammer busting out plaster. We finished it two weeks before my second son was born. This was a rough time physically, financially, and mentally. At one point a rat got in our house because there was a hole in the concrete of the basement. A RAT!! IN OUR HOUSE!!! Then we got busted and fined by city for doing work without a permit. There I was, eight months pregnant, standing before a judge, begging for mercy. See, where I grew up, if you wanted to do work on your house, then you did work on your house.
Our 8 years in Chicago were hard. Of course there are the basic Chicago things that all Chicagoans deal with. Harsh winters that just won’t end (seriously, nothing blooms until the end of April). Traffic that moves so slow you might as well walk (once, it took me over an hour to drive 4 miles). People that speak harshly and are unfriendly (people would look at me funny if I smiled and said hello). The permits, tickets, and fees that make you paranoid to drive your car anywhere (we just considered it donations to the city). But we also dealt with my hubby losing his job, opening and running a money devouring business, living in crappy apartments, living through a rehab, and a rat.
I wanted to leave so badly. I cried so many tears, begging God to get us out of there. The worst it got happened in the middle day coming home from running errands. I was turning left at an awkward intersection and almost hit a pedestrian. He started yelling at me that he had a green light (I did not have a turn arrow). Here’s the thing though, he was not at a crosswalk. The crosswalk was on the other side of this intersection (and for good reason). So I yelled back that the green lights are for cars and that he didn’t have a crosswalk-IDIOT!!! By the way, my kids were in the back seat. My older son was 4 at the time and he started crying. I asked why he was crying, and his response was, “You scared me.” At this point I started crying and called my hubby (all husbands just love getting this kind of call while at work). I told him that he had to get me out of this city. I hated the city, and I hated who I was becoming while living in it.
We tried so many times to get out. Once, we were seriously considering a job opportunity for my hubby in Seattle. He made it through three rounds of interviews until that door was closed. Praise The Lord that it was. I would have been even more miserable there. There was an opportunity to move back home to Louisville at one point that I was truly disappointed that it didn’t work out. When we were actually at the point that we could move, we thought we would move back to Atlanta. That seemed to make the most sense. It’s a big city with lots of job opportunities, great weather (in my opinion), and we still have friends there. But alas, this was not to be either.
The Lord had something even greater in mind. He gave us even more than what we asked for. Atlanta would not have solved all the problem that we were dealing with in Chicago. It still has a high cost of living, it still has bad crime, it still has bad schools, and of course it still has bad traffic. I didn’t know a thing about Greenville, SC before my husband had his phone interview phone for the position here. The first time either of us ever step foot in Greenville was when we came with the moving van. We have not been disappointed.
Not everybody is miserable is Chicago. I have dear friends that live there and they love it. It’s home for them, and I am thrilled that they feel that way. There is such peace in feeling “home”. But not once in 8 years did we feel “home”. And we had many moments of joy there, including friendships that will age with me. But we knew that we were not meant to stay there. Even though we struggled, we knew that we were where we needed to be for that long season in our lives. We knew it wasn’t time to leave yet, no matter how desperately we wanted to. Waiting is difficult.
Wait for The Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for The Lord. Psalm 27:14
We learned that we had to be patient. And we had to wait for The Lord’s perfect timing. I’m relieved that when doors were closed we didn’t try to force them open, although I was standing there with a crowbar feeling tempted to do so. I would pray, “Lord help me feel at home!” I wanted to want to be there. Then I prayed, “help me feel at peace.” And I would for a period of time. Sometimes we are called to stand and fight (like David and Goliath), and sometimes we are told to run away (like Joseph and Mary fleeing to Egypt). I believe we never felt at home because we were never meant to stay.
It takes trust to learn patience. So if you find yourself in a situation that you feel desperate to escape, be encouraged! Trust that The Lord knows, and cares. Know that His timing is perfect. And there is nothing wrong with crying while you wait.
This is the third post in a series on Faith, Trust, Surrender.
I have a past life that seems so long ago, I have to remind myself that it truly happened. It was about 10 years ago that this past life was born.
We had moved from Atlanta to Chicago for my hubby to begin his career. Actually I should say, “Chicagoland” because it was in suburb of Chicago, which is absolutely positively not Chicago. Life was moving along quite predictably when, BAM!! Out of nowhere my husband lost his job. Being that I was completely homesick, I was ready to move home to Louisville, Kentucky. But alas, he was not. We talked about all sorts of things to do. Move west, hike the Appalachian Trail, start a coffee shop, move into the actual city, etc. We decided to do the responsible thing of moving into the city so that he could work on establishing his career. And start a coffee shop too. Craaaa-zeeee!
See, I had this dream of owning a coffee shop when we lived in Atlanta. Just an innocent little dream. People dream all the time, doesn’t mean they actually do it. Not so for me. Hubby gets nervous when I start dreaming. Truthfully, he encourages it. I was looking for an apartment in a certain neighborhood in the city on craigslist. Out of curiosity, I did a search for a store front in the same neighborhood, just wondering what rent would be like for that. And then I realized there was an apartment and a store front for rent in the same building. How cool, I thought, would it be to live in the same building as the coffee shop. I pondered this for a while trying to decide if I should look into it. My hubby’s response was, “in five years will you be happy that you stuck with your career, or regret that you never looked into this opportunity.” Well, if you’re going to put it that way….
A month later, we had a lease. We had absolutely no clue what we were doing. All we could see was the next step to take. It was complete trust that The Lord was leading us to do this and He would take care of us along the way. See, I believe that He gives us these dreams/ideas for a reason.
Delight yourself in The Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
It says that He gives us the desires. Not that He grants us whatever we desire. And if we are seeking Him, and seeking what He wants, then He will give us certain desires. What He wants is for us to love people. And He gave us the desire to love the people of this neighborhood with a coffee shop to provide the way.
It was a crash course in how to love people. See, this particular area of this neighborhood, was a bit rough you could say. It was “gentrifying”. Truly it was lawyers living next door to gangbangers. Not exaggerating. Hubby and I will reminisce sometimes about the experiences we had. Gone were my sweet naive beliefs, and shattered were stereotypes.
Laura. She lived in the building next door with her boyfriend and two year old daughter. This little girl was the sweetest thing. When we were building the space out, Laura and her daughter would just come over (let themselves in even though the windows were covered) and talk to us while we were working. This one particular day she was telling us about rats. Yes, rats are a major problem in Chicago. Go outside after dusk and you’re guaranteed to see one. “They ain’t got no bones, they ain’t got no bones.” She told us about a hundred times. Over and over. I’m pretty sure they do have bones, by the way. But I’ve never actually verified it. Then, once the store was open she started coming in to ask for work to make money. Then to borrow money. Then just for money. One day, she came in in a hurry and left her daughter there in the stroller while I was talking with some customers. She said, “I need you to watch her, I won’t be long!” And off she went with two men that were waiting outside for her. All I could think was that she was “paying” for her drugs and what if something went wrong and they killed her. What is this little girl going to do? I’m going to have to adopt her. Oh my word! Another morning (6am, she was probably still up from the night before), she came in so angry at her boyfriend and was threatening to blow their building up. Ummmm, she was just crazy enough that I had to take her a little bit seriously. And our buildings were about 3 inches apart (not exaggerating), so that meant our building would blow up too. So here I am before the sun was up standing with her at a bus stop with my bus pass to make sure she got on the bus to go to her mom’s on the southside. The last time I saw Laura, she was drunk and told me that she was going to have another baby (it was her 4th). I was pregnant too, and I wept after she left. I loved her.
Kyle and Mark. They were a same sex couple that would come in and work on their business. They were such a blast! Mark was gruff and bitter. Kyle was bubbly and friendly. I won Mark over when he made a ridiculous request one day, and I responded by giving him the middle finger. He cracked up, and I had earned his respect. One day while they were working, this crazy religious lady came in and started telling Mark that the end was coming and that God loved him and he needed to start stocking up on canned goods. Good grief! His response was that he didn’t believe in God, and he didn’t care. After I got her to leave, I told him that even though I am a christian, that’s why I don’t like christians. Mark and Kyle later told one of our employees (who is also a christian) that they’ve never before seen christians that act and love like we all did. I loved them.
John. It was halloween night and business was slow. There were some of the local gangbangers hanging around (easy to spot because they wore a certain color shirt). I knew who they were since they would come in at times, and lived in the area. But they were coming in a lot this evening while there will still a few customers in. John was a law school student that would camp out and study for hours. This evening he was sitting in a corner that was not visible from the street, and he was my last customer. The gangbangers came in for the final time, not knowing that he was there. They seemed so disappointed. Once they left, he confirmed what I feared, “they’re going to rob you.” But then he said the kindest thing, “so I’m going to stay until you close.” He was an angel, I’m pretty sure. And love was shown to me.
Curtis. He started coming in the winter after we opened. He was always dressed nice, and looked very professional. He would sit there for hours looking at the paper. Obviously he didn’t work a 9-5, so I figured he was self employed and some sort of business man. Since the majority of the Chicago population hibernates in the winter, and it was our first year open, business was sloooooooow. It would be hours with just Curtis and I in there. So naturally we started talking. Turns out he just got out of prison. For drugs. He was at one time a major dealer in Chicago (he was just busted with the drugs, not for dealing). He use to have a sweet apartment, with a fast car, and hot ladies to keep him warm. But not now. Now he had a crappy apartment, no car, and no ladies and no friends. All his “friends” left him because they feared they would get busted too. We had many in depth conversations, and I actually “scolded” him (he was 50 years old) at one point. I told him that he had led a self centered life dealing drugs and how could he expect his self centered friends to actually care about anything other than themselves. I was feeling bold that day. He told me I reminded him of his sister, whom he actually brought in to meet me once. When my son was born he sent me flowers that cost so much I confronted him and asked if he was dealing again. He promised me he wasn’t. Not that I believed him. Before we left the coffee shop world, he came in to say goodbye. He told me that people owed their lives to me. He said that he was so depressed and angry that first winter out of prison that if he didn’t have me to talk to, he probably would have killed his past associates. Whoa. I loved him.
There are countless other stories of people that came into our lives during that time. There are friendships that we still have and cherish deeply because of the risk we took to open a coffee shop. We only had the the shop for 2 1/2 years before our son was born and we decided to pass it on to people that could take it to a new level. It was a difficult few years for us. Crazy hours, never leaving the building, dealing with city government, enormous amounts of debt. So often we wondered why we were ever possessed to do such a thing. But then I remember that we were given a desire to love a certain group of people, for a certain period of time. And that’s worth the sacrifice. The Lord has been faithful, I will continue to trust.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or not-so-innocent.
This is the second post in a series about Faith, Trust, Surrender.
I didn’t first begin to truly understand what faith was until I was 23. I grew up hearing the word. It was talked about at home and at church. But not until prayers went unanswered did I truly grasp it.
It was the Spring of 2003. My hubby and I had been married for 2 and a half years, and everything was about to change. He had finished his undergrad but was unable to find work, so we decided he should do more schooling (because that’s what you’re suppose to do, right?). We decided we were going to move to Atlanta for him to go to the school he felt would be most beneficial. We were super excited, I love a good adventure! So we put our townhouse on the market, and within a week, it sold. Easy! That evening I called my parents to tell them the good news. They were happy for us, but my mom just didn’t sound quite right. Actually, she had been feeling bad for a while.
That night, after we spoke, my father called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. At first they thought it was a ruptured ulcer. When they took her into surgery, they discovered a mass the size of a football in her abdomen. It was cancer. Her body was so weak, they put her in a drug induced coma for weeks. Once she was awake, they told us that if they don’t do chemo, the cancer could kill her in a month. But, if they did chemo, it could kill her in a week. Gee, thanks. She was coherent, so she opted to try the chemo. She made it through the first two like a champ. The third, destroyed her body. She died 4 months exactly from the night of my phone call to her. She never left the hospital.
While she was in the hospital, I said to my dad, “how can we possibly move now?” He told me, “you’re moving. Your mom would hate to be the cause of you not doing this.” Alright, fine. And besides, it was ok because we all had “faith” that she would recover. That she would be healed. And for a while it did seem like she was going to make it. The doctors were making a plan for her to go home and training my family on how to care for her. Our prayers were being answered, and our faith rewarded.
But here’s the thing, not all prayers (wishes) are answered (granted). I wondered, is that because the people involved didn’t have “enough” faith? And if that was the way it worked, does that mean that we can manipulate God to do what we want? How dare us, mere humans, try to control The Lord of the Universe! But there are many scriptures where Jesus heals people because of their faith.
Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly. (Matthew 15:28)
So I kept going to the scripture that actually defines what faith is, trying to figure this thing out.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)
That didn’t seem to help much either. I mean, I had “faith” that she would be healed, meaning that I “hoped” she would be healed. But that didn’t really jive with other scripture in the Bible. Sure, Joseph ended up doing great things, but good grief, he got royally screwed. And screwed. And then screwed some more. But he never gave up having faith. So maybe, just maybe, this faith thing has nothing (NOTHING) to do with my circumstances. Maybe “faith” is not believing in something, but rather trusting in Someone.
There is another scripture where Jesus heals a cripple:
Some people brought to him a paralytic, lying on a bed. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Take heart, my son; your sins are forgiven.” (Matthew 9:2)
But wait a minute! He didn’t heal him at first! The miracle was not in the healing. The miracle was forgiveness!! And that’s what made the religious leaders mad. And it was to show the leaders that he was the Son of God that he healed the man. So then that got me thinking more. If there is a God (which I believe) and He sent His son to earth so that we could have a relationship with Him (which I believe) and I have been forgiven (which I needed) and the point of my life is to glorify this God (which I try), then that must mean that He would receive more glory from her dying, than if she lived.
Could she have been healed? Absolutely! But she wasn’t. If I’m going to claim to be a follower of Christ, then that means I have to trust when things are good, and trust when things are bad. I did ask for something after coming to this realization. “Lord, I know that I may never understand why she had to die, when she did and the way she did. But if you could ever let me know, that would be great.” And then I received an answer. Because of my love for running, I ran my second marathon with Team in Training in honor of my mother that had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. And during that training I met a friend that has held such a special place in my heart. And it occurred to me that if my mom had not died when she did and in the way she did, I would never have met her. It doesn’t mean that I wanted my mom to die, or that I will ever stop missing her. But it gives me such peace to know that The Lord is always at work.
I have faith that God is who He says He is, and I believe that Jesus is His son. My faith is not in what God can do for me. My faith is that He is God, and I can trust Him. I don’t know if The Lord will heal your dad, or get you a job, or allow you to have a child. But I know that He is Good.
