Love Defeats Fear

I have a confession. Sometimes I feel jealous. Of my husband. His life just seems so glorious to me.

What I see is that he gets up, goes to the gym, goes to work, and gets to go on business trips.  In my mind this translates as he gets up and gets ready without children hanging on him, gets to do what he wants to do without dragging children with him, goes to a place with other adults where he is respected and valued, and when he travels (which has been happening more and more often) he gets to go out to eat at restaurants and sleep alone without being woken up.

In his mind, he has to get up super early, not getting enough sleep, so that he can stay healthy, has to go and talk with adults who act like children, and when he travels he has to be away from his family, eating unhealthy food and not able to sleep in a strange bed.

It’s easy for me to play the martyr. I can easily feel sorry for myself, thinking that I alone bear the burden. What I am craving is appreciation. I want to feel valued. I want to feel loved. And it is easy for this to lead to a division in my marriage because I am only focusing on myself.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;

(First Corinthians 13:4, ESV)

Instead of throwing another fit, I decided to talk about this need with him. This was when I realized that we were both having our individual pity parties. We decided and chose to stop complaining. We needed to stop trying to make ourselves look “better” by playing it like we had it “worse.” Instead we began to focus on how much the other one was juggling.

Love Defeats Fear

Feeling envious occurs when we are fearful and insecure, which in turn leads to building up our defensiveness. We are trying to protect ourselves, but in doing so we end up being isolated. People need people. Strange things happen when we are isolated. When we are isolated we begin to listen to lies being whispered in our heads. At a recent Gathering, a lady mentioned that we know they are lies if they begin with “I.” I think there is truth in this. I also think we can pinpoint the lie when they are in absolutes like never, always, only, etc.

“I am the only who ever does anything.”

“I am the only one who feels this way.”

“I never get to have time away.”

“I am always the one stuck doing this.”

And as we listen the lies, the wedge of fear begins to grow, leading to anger, self-pity, and envy. And that fear can destroy the love. But love defeats fear.

Hallelujah! Love. Defeats. Fear.

Here’s a dose of truth for you: You are loved. You may not feel like it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. And the best way to feel loved, is to show love.

Be patient with others, showing kindness. Stop talking about yourself, and listen to them. Do what other people want to do, and enjoy it. Don’t be happy when others mess up. Put up with the annoying things they do, appreciating the good. And never, ever stop doing these things. (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Now when my husband is out of town, I show compassion for what he is having to deal with rather than complaining that I am home with the kids. And you know, my attitude about being home with the kids has changed. Now, I try to make it something fun, doing things that we normally wouldn’t do. (But I absolutely still look forward to him coming home!)