Judging other people and being judged destroys relationships. Here is how to end the judgment in our minds through encouragement.
We have all been there. We have been the one standing alone while others made snide comments and pointed and laughed (although it may just have been in our minds). And we have also been the one commenting and pointing and laughing (even if it has just been in our minds). Nobody wins. Everybody feels cruddy after the fact.
I’ve been there…
I found myself in this type of situation while my sons were at swim lessons. There is this a boy in my younger son’s class that is, how shall I say…very active. Now, I am no stranger to active little boys. I have boys, my friends have boys, I’m married to a man that used to be a boy. So I was not concerned with his activeness. I was concerned with how little regard this boy had for authority. Completely ignoring his mother, the teacher, and the lifeguard. This is scary to me because, hello! These are kids in water! The first couple weeks I was unconcerned, no judgement, just observation.
But then I crossed the line into judgement. The mom had told her son for the 14th time to put something away. Instead of obeying he threw a temper tantrum. And then… she gave in and handed it back to him. I’m so thankful that the pool area is loud and echo-y because a comment actually slipped out of my mouth. But then I felt like dirt.
Now, am I wrong to think she could have handled that differently? I don’t think so. But I was wrong to point (in my mind) and make a snide comment (in actuality). I don’t know this lady. I don’t know what her marriage is like. Or if she is even married. I don’t know what she deals with on a daily basis with her son. For all I know he has a disability. I do know that she was frustrated and probably could have used some encouragement.
At that moment I was not in the frame of mind to actually encourage her. But I did think of a dear friend who I know feels overwhelmed at times when dealing with her son. So I texted her a simple message of, “I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.”
Judgment…
Confronting a fellow believer in love who is living in blatant sin is not judgement. That is compassion, caring about their spiritual health. Disagreeing with someone is not judgement. In our culture right now we are so concerned with not offending people that we are more afraid than ever to disagree, but have never been more judgmental.
Judgment is the condescending attitude of thinking other people should have it all together, when we clearly have our own set of issues. It is basing an opinion when we do not have all of the information. A quote by Stephen M.R. Covey, perfectly sums this up: “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Matthew 7:1-2, NIV
Judgment is the condescending attitude of thinking other people should have it all together, when we clearly have our own set of issues. It is basing an opinion when we do not have all of the information. Click To Tweet
Encouragement…
Instead, we are to encourage those around us. Whether it is someone we love, or a stranger, we can all use a bit of encouragement. And the areas we need the most encouragement are the areas we are weakest in. Which means, these areas are the most vulnerable to “judgement” because we are not doing them as well as we would like. To provide encouragement, we need to listen and to praise.
Listen
If we will learn to listen and try to understand people we will gain new insight. If we can assume the best of them, we can get beyond our judgmental thoughts, and extend grace. We are to leave the judging thing to The Lord since He’s the only one who truly knows our hearts anyway.
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
James 1:19-20, NIV
For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them?
1 Corinthians 2:11, NIV
Praise in faith
In faith, I want my son to be a hard worker; so I praise him for being a hard worker. People are likely to become who they are told they will become. If we want someone to be a good mom and for them to feel that they are, then we are to tell them they are. If we want our spouse to be more involved/compassionate/etc., then we need to compliment them on doing those things.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:3-4, NIV
…we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ…
Ephesians 4:15, NLT
This is also true for ourselves. We too, deserve to encourage our own souls. Stop judging others, and stop judging yourself. In faith, encourage the area that is weakest.
This post was originally published October 2015.
