After giving birth, some new moms automatically adjust well. They love their baby and they love being a mom. But there are some new moms that have a more difficult time adjusting. And often, they don’t know how to talk about it.
My baby girl is now 2 months old, and I gotta say, life is pretty great. I don’t even want to tell you how great because I will sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not really bragging, I’m just excited. And happy. And rested.
And it is alright for me to feel this way, I was nervous that I wouldn’t. Why? Because with my first two children it was rough those first couple of months. It was those first couple of months that no one warned me about. Oh sure, I knew I would be tired, that’s understood. But the emotional swings that I experienced caught me off guard. It wasn’t until my first born was older that I realized it was postpartum depression. I was prepared for it with the second, and considered not having a third child because of it.
Since I was not prepared to experience this with my first, I am pretty open with other people about it. If I have any sort of relationship with a woman that is expecting, we will be having a conversation at some point that begins with, “Just so you know I had my nervous breakdown when he was 5 weeks old…” I hope (oh Lord, do I hope) that whoever I am speaking with doesn’t end up needing my advice, but just in case she does, I want her to know that she is not alone and should not feel ashamed.
Before I continue, let me give my disclaimer here. This is simply my story, my experience, and my life. There are things that I tried that helped and things that didn’t. I am not a physician, or psychologist, or counselor. If you are dealing with postpartum depression I am simply here to provide encouragement, and part of that encouragement will be to seek professional help.
My Story
Like I said previously, I had a “nervous breakdown” when my firstborn was 5 weeks old. Honestly, I’m being dramatic. A true nervous breakdown is no laughing matter. Mine was more of a meltdown. Trouble, though, started before that episode. I should have known something was not right when he was 3 weeks old. It was the middle of the night, I had just finished feeding him and he wouldn’t stop crying. He was not one of those sleepy babies that you could feed and put right back to bed. I was trying to calm him, soothe him, take care of him all on my own because that’s what mom’s are suppose to do, right? I’m just suppose to automatically think he’s the best thing ever and gush and never complain, right? Well to be honest, I didn’t feel that way. It turned out I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him. And so that night while I was holding him and he was crying and I was crying, I started screaming. My hubby ran into the nursery to me screaming, “Take him, just take him!!” Because I was about 3 seconds away from shaking him. Isn’t that awful? Even now, over 7 years later I feel awful for feeling that way. And I realized in that moment why people shake their babies, and I understood the desperation, and I lost any judgement that I had felt towards them. After that my hubby and I came to an understanding. I would feed him (had to, I was nursing) and try to put him back to sleep. If he didn’t go to sleep, then it was his turn. The key was, I had to ask for help. He wasn’t expecting me to do it all on my own. I was.
A couple weeks later I was not much better. I had called my mother-in-law for encouragement and support and would have received it if only she had been home (this was back in the day when people still used their home phones as their primary number). Instead, her mother answered the phone. I know she meant well, and in her mind she probably thought she was giving good advice. But it wasn’t. It was maybe good advice for a woman living in the 1950’s, but not for current times. She made the comment, “Well, I sure hope Jeremy (hubby) isn’t having to get up at night since he has to go to work.” Here’s the thing, when my son was born we still had the coffee shop. There is no maternity leave when you own your own business. The second day home from the hospital I was having to do payroll. I told her that I was working too, and she simply responded with “Well, maybe you are doing too much.” No, duh!! But that was not the way I wanted to hear it, so I started crying. And didn’t stop. For a long time.
Fast forward three and a half years to the birth of my second son. Once again, around the 3 week mark I lose it. But this time when I felt overwhelmed I didn’t just cry, I got angry. And once I again I felt myself losing control and screaming for help. This time I called my midwife right away. I knew better. They put me on a low dose of an anti-depressant. It did seem to help some, but honestly I just felt numb. Numb to my children, and numb to my husband. It was miserable. So I weaned myself off the drug and went to talk to a psychologist instead. The problem was, the one they referred me to was younger than me, not married, no children. I’m sure she was/is a great psychologist, but I needed someone that could actually understand what I was dealing with. So I quit that as well. I started exercising. The gym became my therapy sessions. And this seemed to work for me. I had a release valve for all my stress and anxiety. I did end up a few months later, once I was done nursing, going on a different med and finding a different therapist (she was in her 60’s and a grandmother and was incredible).
As I was expecting to have my third baby, I started thinking through ways to prevent going through this again if at all possible. Some things I was ahead of the game on already. Life is much less stressful now. No coffee shop to run, financially stable, better weather. I also had started reading about probiotics while pregnant. Some studies have shown that it can actually reduce postpartum depression. Score! I also exercised throughout my entire pregnancy and ate healthier than I had been previously. I made and froze meals so I wouldn’t have to deal with that once the baby was born. I limited the amount of help that was offered, kindly asking family and friends to hold off on visiting. My hubby was home the first week, worked from home the second, and helped me get going in the morning the third week. By then I was able to implement a flexible schedule with my other kiddos to reduce the stress as much as possible.
It has now been over 8 weeks and I am thrilled to say that I have not experienced the depression like I had previously. Sure, I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed. And moments of bawling my eyes out. But then the moment passes and I continue to love my kiddos and love being a mom. So here is my encouragement to you.
Tips
Know when to say “no”: If someone wants to come visit, but you know that it is not the best thing for your family, it is okay to say no. Say it in a nice way, but make your boundaries known.
Know when to say “yes”: If you are about to go bonkers because you are with people under 3 feet tall all day, then invite a trusted friend over. Someone that won’t care that you are still in your pajamas and will hopefully bring you dinner.
Do something every day to feel normal: Maybe it’s simply to take a long hot shower and let someone else keep an eye on the baby. Think of it as mini spa treatment. Or perhaps watch your favorite show before doing that last feeding at night. Or go for a walk. Or continue your hobbies. Do something for yourself.
Be healthy: There are others that can explain the science of this better than I can, but there is definitely a connection between eating healthy food and feeling good. Eat healthy, avoid the junk food and alcohol. Unfortunately these are what our bodies crave when we are stressed.
Avoid unrealistic expectations of yourself: This is the one most women struggle with. When we expect more out of ourselves than is realistic, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and start to meltdown.
Don’t panic: If you are having a bad moment, know that it may just be a moment. Say you’re sorry if you lost your temper, or lean on someone you love if you need to cry. Tomorrow is full of grace.
Final Thought
The most important thing I want you, dear new mom, to remember is that you are not alone. We may have incredible super powers, but we all have our kryptonite as well.
Please, please, please, if you feel like you are struggling with postpartum depression seek help. Contact your midwife or ob/gyn. A great online resource is www.postpartum.net.
photo credit: Mindy Olsen
