divorce

We all have dark times of our lives where we think we are hidden from God. Times we want to be hidden from God. Yet, we are His beloved. We are recklessly pursued through any darkness. Our Creator fights for us.

Psalm 139 was the very first passage of scripture I ever memorized and not out of intention. Through Psalm 139, I learned a little something about God. He prepares our hearts with words He knows our lives will need. It’s as though while He was knitting us together, He weaved scripture throughout our entire beings. This passage has followed me through my whole life, without me ever forcing it. That can only be God.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Psalm 139:13, NIV

Beloved Book

My beloved book. My most favorite book as a little girl. I knew I still had it. I’ve moved between 9 and 10 times in my adult life. I knew I kept this book. So, here I am, destroying my house to find it. I can picture the items packed along with it. I can see the box. The garage? The boys’ room? Under the beds? Mass destruction in my home, so I can find my beloved book.

I picture what it looks like, what the years have done to it. I remember specific pages and what they say. My book. Voiced by my parents. Hidden in my heart during scary times at night. I think of the countless times I read it to my stuffed animals and my brothers. Over and over, I chose this book. To the point the covers went missing; the pages are waring and fading.

Darkness

Out of the nest; on my own. I would describe my first flight as dark and broken. Shadows pursued and preyed on me; sensing I was without my “knitting”. A second flight came. Unfortunately, it was even darker. Full of pain that still likes to haunt me. I would describe that second flight as a void. Lonely, empty, without.

February is almost gone. It used to be, I couldn’t wait for this month to end. February has been a brutal month in past years. It seems like everything I considered to be ugly in my life, has fallen in this month. Though I don’t remember specific dates, the conglomeration of events left me dreading the feelings of February.

Most of these events stemmed from my separation from God; from my rejection for my “knitting”. Though I never denied His existence, I didn’t invite Him to dwell either. I stopped pursuing Him. Surely, He didn’t see me hidden in the mess. I was ashamed, broken, depressed. I actually thought if I didn’t pursue Him, He wouldn’t pursue me.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

Psalm 139:7, NIV

Beloved Words

I did not give up. I even dreamed about where my book could be. The attic! I have an attic; poorly lit, extremely hot or cold depending on the month, and an undesirable area of our home. There it was. Nestled with the books I imagined; in the box it has always been in. I fought through the mess, the uninhabitable parts of my home and found my beloved book!

God Is With Me -Debby Anderson; Based on Psalm 139

While I was searching, I could picture two of the pages. These were the pages that my little mind needed most. The pictures helped remind me no matter what, God is there. They brought comfort when my imagination got out of control and helped me remember to not be scared. The words were simple to grasp. I learned to rely on these words. “He is with me.” I tucked them deep in my heart. My treasure.

God Pursued

I am a treasure to God. I’m His beloved. I was the one lamb, lost from the ninety-nine and pursued by the Good Shepherd. Like my book, I was worn, faded, hiding in invisible covers. And, like my book, my world was torn apart so I could be found. The weaving never unravelled, it only tightened the more I was pursued.

In my darkness, God fought for me. He battled in the mess I thought I was hiding in. He never forgot about me, never left me alone, never gave up. I was (am) His. I can picture Him, bleeding from the briars that grew on my heart, pierced with the sins I gave power to, bruised by the hatred I had for myself. Yet, He prevailed. I tried to hide in the depths. I swam in shame and brokenness. Yet, God prevailed. He was there. Through divorce, medical rooms, abandonment, depression, alcohol… the list is longer still…. He was there. He never stopped fighting for my existence, my life, my heart. God fiercely pursued.

The Lord is with us, wherever we are.

This beautiful watercolor, painted by Katie Braswell, is available as a digital download in the Oh Lord Help Us Shop.
It will remind you of God’s ever present comfort.

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In my darkness, God fought for me. He never stopped fighting for my existence, my life, my heart. Click To Tweet

This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”

Who she is…

A single mom of two, working 3 different jobs in order to make ends meet. Trying to maintain time with her children while she works a hectic schedule. Living a life fueled by grace. Using her God-given gifts to encourage and motivate others. She gets it all done by waking early and staying up late.

“Honestly, some days I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and lots of coffee!”

Where she has been…

To understand the life she now lives, we must understand the life she has lived. She did not grow up with a father present, and her mother worked most of the time in order to provide. Because of this, there was not much supervision in their home, and this provided an environment that allowed her to be sexual abused by a sibling for several years. It was this time in her life that she learned how to “wear a mask” and put on an act that everything was fine.

“It’s just too painful to tell people how you really feel or what things are really going on.”

She was angry. Angry at her mother for not protecting her and for not stopping the abuse. Angry at her earthly father for leaving and not being there. And angry at her heavenly Father for allowing any of it. As a young adult, she accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior and realized that the grace God had extended to her, she had to extend to others. So, with God’s help, she forgave. She forgave her mother, knowing that she was just doing the best she could with what she had. She has forgiven her father, understanding now that he needed to leave because of addictions that he didn’t want to expose his family to. And she has forgiven her abuser even though remorse has never been expressed on their part. She still has scars that are not fully healed, but she is living by grace day by day.

Shortly after becoming a follower of Christ, she met her husband. And shortly after that, they were married. They both came from broken homes. Neither of them knew what a healthy family looked like.

“We were just putting together what we thought would be a good family with the broken pieces we had.”

A year into the marriage she started to see some red flags. It started with verbal abuse, being told she was lazy, a slob, and a horrible mom.

“My first Mother’s Day he didn’t get me anything. He said I didn’t deserve anything because I wasn’t a good mom.”

Unfortunately, she believed these comments. Then she found out she was expecting again. She was panicked. She already felt overwhelmed with one child, how was she going to be able to handle two? While she was pregnant, he was deployed. And even though this meant she had to handle things on her own, life was easier.

She found a good, supportive church and was mentored by other women, finally seeing what a godly woman and mother look like. She learned that it was alright to make mistakes, that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. She was learning the difference between conviction and condemnation. She was refreshed.

Her husband returned from overseas, coming home with PTSD. He was very withdrawn, and became easily angered. At this point he became physically abusive. She thought about walking away from the marriage then, but he wanted to make things right. They went to counseling, and even though it did seem to help, he was not as open about his own issues and made it seem to the counselor that the problems they were having were her fault.

Through all of this, she presented herself as happy in front of others. She made it appear that they had the perfect marriage. She lied to others in order to protect him, even though it put herself at risk. She wore the mask that she created as a child.

“You may love somebody, but they shouldn’t hurt you and you shouldn’t protect them if they are hurting you.”

Due to the PTSD, he was not able to find work. She, however, found a part-time job that she was able to find fulfillment in. The problem was, he did not want her to work. He accused her of trying to escape her duties at home and that she would neglect the cooking and cleaning. He finally agreed with her working as long as the money was going into their joint account.

As time went on, he became more and more controlling. He accused her of over spending and said that she could not be trusted with a debit card. So he put her on an allowance, which is what she used to buy food, and diapers for 2 small children. If she ran out of money and needed more, then he made her perform sexual favors. She had hit a new low.

Things continued to get worse. Her children were starting to become aware of what was going on. She discovered that he was having an affair. He was addicted to pain pills. If the food wasn’t cooked right he would throw food at her face.

“We were falling apart. I was falling apart.”

When she told him that she was leaving, he became enraged, took her car, and left. When he returned, he attempted to force himself on her. Thankfully, she was able to fight him off, but in doing so, it woke the children. He left again, this time taking his own car. She grabbed the spare key (that she had previously hidden) to her car, packed up her children and went to live at a women’s shelter until she was able to step out on her own.

Her divorce has been finalized for about a year now.

“The struggle right now is to see what God is going to do next. I’m just surviving, and I’m ready to thrive.”

What her strengths are…

Even if she is having a bad day, she is able to put that aside and focus on the task at hand. She is able to laugh and play with her children, no matter what situation they are currently going through. She is constantly teaching her children to trust in God’s provision.

“It’s scary to be in the position where trusting in God is my only option, but it’s the best place to be.”

She is teaching them that trials bring steadfastness, and that He will bring them out of the storm. She is teaching them to be nice to everyone because you never know what others are dealing with or going through.

What her struggles are…

She finds it difficult to stop and listen to her children. She has so many things to do and not enough time. She finds herself always talking at them, telling them what they should or should not do.

She struggles with her current work schedule. She is currently looking for a full-time position so she can be there for her children and not work crazy shifts.

What her joys are…

When she see them learning from their trials. When they laugh. When they pray. When they’re sleeping!

“I told him [her son] it’s ok to start over, we just have to keep going. And he said to me, ‘I know, I see you doing it all the time.’ “

What her fears are…

That they will end up in an abusive relationship. And she fears that they will walk away from God. She doesn’t want them to become discouraged, seeing their dad who is not struggling at all.

How she stays sane…

She needs time alone. She loves being around others, encouraging them and ministering to them, but she feels exhausted when she gets home. She spends this time praying, and reading God’s Word, and being still.

“It’s very important to have my quiet time, otherwise I am a mommy monster!”

She has learned that it is alright to take care of herself, that she is not being selfish, and to not feel guilty.

What she wants others to know…

“I see other women in bad relationships, and they stay. I want them to understand that they don’t have to stay. You don’t have to have it all together, it’s ok to be broken.”

She encourages others to share their brokenness. She shares her weaknesses openly because she wants people to see that where she lacks is where God picks up the pieces and pulls her through.

Oh mommas! We never really know what others are dealing with. Let’s encourage one another, support one another, and love one another. Hang in there momma, you got this!

I learned so much from listening to this momma’s story. Let’s spread the encouragement by sharing her story with others. Her story might not be pretty, but God has redeemed it and made it beautiful!

Are you a momma that needs encouragement? Do you know someone that needs someone in her corner? I would love to meet her! Please feel free to contact me and we can chat.

xoxo

Beloved: We are Pursued Even Through Darkness