wife

We have tremendous amounts of influence. And with that influence, we can change our lives. Want a better marriage? Children who are growing into amazing people? Even better behaved pets? As women, we are always desiring control. Well, here it is. This is not about manipulation. This is about encouraging others to be their best selves.

Marriage

This past week I heard a talk about relationships and how men need respect the same way women need love.

Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33, ESV

I thought it was appropriate timing, as it was my husband and mine’s wedding anniversary. This was not anything new, I’ve heard this many times before, but I was so encouraged by what was said.

To be honest, I have been slipping with showing respect. Blame it on stress, or selfishness, but I can’t blame it on him. My tone has been becoming harsh. I’ve been quick to jump to conclusions. I was becoming a nag. Thank you Jesus for bringing this to my attention, and please forgive me!

If we want to be loved passionately by our spouse, then we have the power to change the cycle. Don’t wait for him to be Mr. Romantic. Instead, respect who he is. Focus on one thing that is impressive. And tell him.

Ways to express respect:

I am so impressed how you… (handled that situation).
I really admire how you… (work so diligently).
I think it’s great when… (parent that way).

You can only control your own actions. With our actions, however, we can influence others. By respecting our husbands, we are influencing them to love us in return.

Children

My middle child, who is now 5 years old, still tends to throw a tantrum when he is frustrated. It usually involves something he is trying to make that is not producing the results he desires. This past week he became frustrated that a drawing he was working on wasn’t looking the way he wanted. I understand getting frustrated, but when he starts whining and stomping his feet, my head wants to explode! My natural tendency is to try to overpower him, but this only results in him continuing to escalate. He was sent to his room, where he continued to to cry and yell. With a quick, “Help me Jesus,” I went in his room and told him to stop acting like a whiny baby. Yes, that is what I said. No, this is not the advice I’m giving. In the next moment, the Lord gave me the words.

“You are acting like a whiny baby. You are not a whiny baby. You are a smart, talented, hardworking little boy! You are a hard worker who likes for things to be done well. You are fun, and compassionate. Be that little boy, because that is who you are!!!”

His tears of anger turned into one of his signature bear hugs. He was like a completely different child after that. I’m not saying to call your child names (although you may want to), but do affirm to them the traits that will continue to develop them into amazing people.

Overpowering our children to produce “better” behavior is a short term response at best. But by influencing their hearts, and speaking truth to them, they will be truly changed.

Pets

A week ago I was about to ship my dog to live with my parents in Kentucky. She was getting on my very last nerve, and I was struggling with being so angry with her. One of the best parts of this new house is a good size, fenced in backyard. I was looking forward to letting the kids and dog run free in a safe enclosed space. And then, wouldn’t you know it, she figured out a way to escape. That was how we met our next door neighbors. Our dog was humping their dog. And our dog is a girl!! What the heck?!? She also has been obsessed with the shed in the yard. I’m pretty sure there is some little critter living under there that she is desperate to get ahold of. So desperate in fact, that even when it was pouring down rain during the hurricane, she would run out to dig at the side of the shed. And of course, she wouldn’t come when she was being called. So out I go to get her, wet and muddy, and carry her back into the house. Something had to change.

I realized I was being controlled by a 15 pound ball of white fluff. Punishing her for being naughty was not working. Maybe praising her for being good would be better. I have given that dog so many treats this past week. The first few times I had to entice her from out in the yard to come inside. As soon as she came to the door I gave her a treat and showered her with praise. Then I could show her the treat and call her from the deck. Now, she actually comes! In just a matter of days, I have my sweet puppy back, and I don’t worry about what the neighbors think because I’m yelling at my dog.

Final Thought

We have the power to change our lives. By showing respect and kindness to all of those around us we can begin to spiral upward in our relationships rather than spiraling downward into despair. Respect produces love, which in turn produces more respect. I know this sounds super simple. Please know that I am not that naive, especially in regards to a relationship with a spouse. If the relationship has been spiraling down for years, it is not going to be transformed in a week, or month, or maybe even a year. Pray for endurance, pray to be satisfied by the love of Christ, and pray for the supernatural ability to pursue your husband even if you feel he doesn’t deserve it.

You, dear lady, have power with your influence!

xoxo

This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”

Who she is…

She is a military mom of three who has moved away from her hometown for the first time. She anticipated this move to be difficult and that it would be out of her comfort zone. Her whole adult life has been one trial after another, so she has just expected the bottom to drop out yet once again. Thankfully, the opposite has been true. A weight has been lifted, and she is feeling refreshed, relishing in her new life.

Where she’s been…

A month into marriage, she wanted out and she wanted to go back home. It wasn’t what she had pictured. She didn’t receive flowers, she wasn’t told she was beautiful, she wasn’t having fun. There was never enough money, and she didn’t like where they lived. In that first year she consoled herself by eating, and as a result gained 25 pounds. And then she became pregnant. She was a baby herself, only 19 years old, having to learn to be a mom and struggling with postpartum depression. Two years later, a second baby was born. She has very few memories of those first few years. She was on a high dosage of anti-depressants that left her feeling numb. She was chronically disappointed in her life and in the man she had married.

Her medication was adjusted and she eventually leveled out. Life was beginning to look a little brighter. She started to work a part-time job that helped build her confidence. Her spirit was rising. Then she decided to go down a wrong path and pursued a relationship with another man. And although adultery was not committed to the fullest extent, it was committed within her heart. There was then a massive divide in an already unstable marriage that resulted in years of repercussions.

But they stuck it out, and kept on working on their marriage. Six months later, she was pregnant again. There was still not enough money, and they were moving from one unhappy rental to the next. Her husband did finally have a good job, but instead of feeling relief the divide widened. She ate, and he drank. They argued. A lot. She finally told him that if he didn’t stop wasting their money and drinking she was going to take the kids and leave. She made good on her threat, taking her children to live with her parents for about 3 months. During this time she was able to find herself and her identity. She was being healed.

“I wasn’t just a survivor, I could thrive. I was still a daughter of God.”

She and her husband went through a lot of counselling, and reunited. It went smoothly for about a year until it started to slip, and they were sliding, once again, down that hill. They decided they were tired of living like roommates and not actually sharing the role of husband and wife. They were going to give up, and call it quits. Leaders in their church came along side of them and loved on them and gave them the freedom to split up. It wasn’t that the church wanted them to split, rather that the church wanted them to know that even if they did, they would still be loved and cared for by the church.

So they stayed together, yet again. She still expected the bottom to drop out, but she was no longer worried about it. Two weeks later he lost his job. He expressed interest in joining the military, even though she told him before they were married that she would never be a minister’s wife or a military wife. They talked together and decided that National Guard was the best choice. He enlisted, and left for basic training. Meanwhile, she went to school to be a nail tech. During this time they wrote letters. And letters. And more letters. In his 10 weeks at basic training, he wrote 50 letters.

“Through the mail, I fell in love with him for the first time.”

Since then, things have been improving. Not always easy, but improving. He served ten months in Africa, leaving her to work and care for their 3 children. Eventually that position ended with the Guard, and he worked a job that put them on opposite schedules. Her life was completely scheduled with work, church, children, family, friends.

“These trials that we endure, if we can be faithful, absolutely strengthen us. And they make us more fit for presenting the gospel, if not to the nations, then to my children. What better calling.”

And then, out of the blue, an incredible opportunity with the National Guard landed in his lap. Great job, nice area, good schools, and finally enough money. She never felt like she would arrive at this moment. She had resigned to the belief that her life was going to consist of simply surviving and only having the hope of heaven to keep her going.

In the first few weeks, they bickered a lot. They had to learn how to live on this new schedule, and to actually be with each other. They came to the realization that they didn’t know each other. They didn’t even know what the other’s likes and dislikes were. She is grateful to have this opportunity to start over and have a new beginning. She is learning who she really is without the baggage.

“Who we are becoming is the life I had dreamed and prayed for when I was growing up. And it’s even better than I hoped for!”

She knows that God has redeemed what has happened in their lives. Sometimes she lost sight that God was always pursuing her. Regardless of what she had done, He was always there pursuing her. After going through what she has gone through, it has made her appreciate what they have been given.

“God alone has done this. And it is marvelous!”

What her days look like…

Now she finds herself trying to be wise with what to do with her time. For the first time as an adult, she has had options for what to do with her day. She is relishing in it, and praying for wisdom in how to use it wisely.

After she gets her kids off to school, she spends time catching up with friends, does a bible study, workouts, gets ready, writes letters, runs errands, does housework, and then picks up her kids. And for the first time, they consistently have dinner as a family.

What her fears are…

She fears she will forget what God has done for her. In this season of blessing, she wants to remember how she got here and Who did it. She doesn’t want to take credit for any of it. It has truly been a gift. One that she has waited a long time for.

What her joys are…

For the first time, simply getting up in the morning is a joy.

“Here I am! I’m being blessed!”

How she stays sane…

She treats herself to fresh flowers in the house every week. She also has a love for writing. With an actual pen and paper! She loves blessing others by writing letters, and enjoys writing in her journal.

What she wants you to know…

She’s been told that she has a facade that makes it seem like she has it all together, and she feels like that makes her unapproachable, but she’s not like that at all. She doesn’t want to be read by her cover. She’s been deeply wounded, and she’s been restored. She doesn’t take the lessons she has learned for granted, and wants to be a friend to others. She wants to hear their stories as well. And maybe have a good laugh over a bottle of wine!

Oh mommas! We never really know what is going on behind the scenes of someone else’s life. Let’s carry each other’s burdens in times of sorrow, and rejoice with each other in times of blessing!

You Are Powerful