I’ve been known to use a few bad words in my life. Actually, I think a well-timed, well-placed bad word can be quite effective. There are times that it is simply the best way to get your point across. That being said, I don’t typically use bad words on a day to day basis. You know, the whole kids-are-always-listening thing.
There are other not-bad words I use that have gotten a nasty reputation. Which is a shame because they are vital to three areas of my life that I am extremely passionate about: my faith, my marriage, and my children.
My faith requires obedience.
This feels uncomfortable. It’s ok to use that word when we are talking about our children, but as an adult this seems preposterous. I’ve paid my dues. Now that I’m all grown up I can do whatever I want to do.
…to obey is better than sacrifice… (1 Samuel 15:22, ESV)
There is a quote by Timothy Keller that says, “If your god never disagrees with you, you might just be worshipping an idealized version of yourself.” Insert punch into gut. Sometimes I need to be confronted with truth. And sometimes that truth may require me to make a change. Our thoughts and actions have consequences, good and bad. Anything that we do has an effect on others. We may say, “It’s my life I can do what I want,” but what about the child, or spouse, or even stranger that feels the ripple of that decision.
The Lord requires obedience so that our lives will be blessed, not hindered. I don’t limit the amount of sugar my children consume because I want to hinder their lives. I limit it because I want them to live a fuller, healthier life and enjoy more things. I don’t put boundaries on how far they go in the backyard because I want to control them. They have boundaries so they don’t run into a copperhead snake or mountain lion (I know, crazy life we live). Likewise, the Lord places boundaries in my life to protect me.
My marriage requires submission.
This feels icky. What a horrible thing to ask of a wife. It seems like this could lead to abuse. As women we have fought for our rights. I don’t want someone, even my husband, telling me what I can or cannot do.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18, ESV)
Isolating this single scripture doesn’t make me feel any better. Let’s add the next one, shall we?
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19, ESV)
There, I like that one much better. I really like how both of these are written in The Message:
Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them.
To be submissive to my husband is respecting his decisions and supporting him in that process. Being supportive does not mean saying, “Yes, dear” to whatever he wants to do. Being supportive is asking questions to help him think something through, or providing suggestions if he needs help. Being supportive is encouraging him to take the next step, or warning him that something doesn’t seem right. And then sometimes being supportive is knowing when to keep thoughts to myself and let him figure something out on his own.
In my husband and mine’s relationship, everything gets discussed. And if we ever are at an impasse and can’t come to an agreement, that is when I take a deep breath and let it go. I’m showing my husband respect by trusting his decision. And in return, he goes “all out in love” for me.
My children require discipline.
This feels harsh. All children behave this way, it’s just how they are. I want them to experience a full life. I want them to learn independence and be free thinkers.
Let’s revisit Colossians again.
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. (Colossians 3:20, ESV)
And again, let’s add the next verse.
[Parents], do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21, ESV)
To discipline our children does not mean to punish them all the time. It means to train them. Sometimes training is simply having a discussion, and sometimes it is working through a consequence. We have to train them to do everything, right? How to hold a spoon, how to drink, how to walk, how to use the toilet, how to spell, how to ride a bike, how to tie their shoes. So why do we think that they do not have to be trained to be polite, to be kind, to be generous, to be considerate, to be thankful, to forgive, to trust. These things do not come natural. We all want our children to be independent thinkers, but without training, their thinking can develop into only focusing on themselves.
Whenever I have to confront my oldest, now 8 years old, on why he shouldn’t behave a certain way, I explain to him that I am not scolding him. I am teaching him what is appropriate, and how to love others, and how to be respectful. I am not training his behavior, I am training his heart. This leads to him thinking through situations on his own. This teaches him how to grow and become a considerate, independent free thinker.
Now, when my son was younger we could not take this approach. It is not fair to expect a 2 or 3 year old to understand the concept of heart issues. Yes, they are talked about, but there is also a concrete consequence that comes along with the discussion. This teaches them that their are consequences to our actions. Our entire lives we have to deal with the consequences of our decisions.
I truly do not enjoy discipling my children. Training is not easy, it is sacrificial. But isn’t that a wonderful way to show that we love them?
So gosh-darnit-fiddlesticks! Important things in life take work. But doing what is uncomfortable in the present can lead to a future of positive results. Don’t be afraid of using these bad words!
Have you experienced the positives of using these bad words? Please share by commenting below or joining the conversation on the Facebook page.
xoxo