mourning

This past week kinda got away from me. I didn’t take the time to write, and honestly was just not motivated to do so. This happens every so often, so I was just going to do something light-hearted. But that will have to wait. It just doesn’t seem right. I don’t feel light-hearted today. I actually feel very, very heavy. I feel heavy about loss of life this week. I feel heavy that there is so much hurt, anger, and division in our country. I feel heavy that my brother-in-law lost his father. And I feel heavy that 2 little boys lost their mom this weekend.

A classmate of mine from college whom I was in the dental hygiene program with, has lost her battle with cancer. It was all so sudden that it has left many, including myself, trying to catch up. What happened? How did this happen? Why did it have to happen. It makes me weep and want to scream.

Two and a half months ago she was performing in a local production of Steel Magnolias. Two months ago she was celebrating her son’s 9th birthday. A month ago she shared this on Facebook:

CANCER….for those who’ve wondered & those who’ve already known….yes it’s what I’ve got! The thing about cancer is, it causes a person to experience MANY different emotions but it also causes you to really reflect on life. One thing I’ve learned is that my family is so incredibly loved by SO many people that I can’t even begin to explain how that makes me feel!
And, so whatever happens during this journey…..I am blessed beyond measure because I know that I AM the daughter of a KING that is NOT moved by this world!!! There is nothing that happens in my life that HE doesn’t already know about. I shall not fear because HE goes before me! HE is the Great Physician & I know that HE will protect me….HE has great plans for me! My JESUS has me in the palm of his hand & HE knows exactly what I need when I need it!!!! And for that I am thankful!! So…It’s ALL GOOD y’all.

And today, she is gone.

She was not a close friend, but her death has hit me incredibly hard. The tears just won’t stop. Without Facebook, I probably would not have any clue what her life was like, or that any of this was happening. But I do know that she was an incredibly bright, loving, and kind person. She was when she was a part of my daily school life, and seeing the response of her death, I know that her influence has only increased over the years. Now, she is not just in the “palm of his hand” but truly in the arms of Jesus. What a beautiful image.

She was loved greatly, because she loved greatly. She is absolutely the daughter of a King who is in complete control. We do not understand His ways, but we can trust Him. We may not like the outcome, but we can rest in His peace. I agree with her, it is ALL GOOD!

I feel so much pain for her parents, her husband, and her boys. I know they are in shock, overcome with grief, and wondering how they will make it through each day. There is no advice, there are no words, to ease the pain they feel. Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” The comfort will come, but for now, just mourning. Deep, gut-wrenching, painful mourning.

It’s so easy to get caught up in day-to-day things. It’s not that those things don’t matter, or that the Lord is not using those things to teach us, or encourage us, or heal us. But there are seasons in life that our perspective shifts. For this precious family, suddenly nothing else matters. I’m sure they are not caring about what they are wearing, or what they need to get done this week, or who is running for president. They only know the love they feel for this incredibly special woman and the hole that exists in their lives now that she is gone.

For today, I have no deeper message to share. Only that I wish to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15).

xoxo

I didn’t first begin to truly understand what faith was until I was 23. I grew up hearing the word. It was talked about at home and at church. But not until prayers went unanswered did I truly grasp it.

It was the Spring of 2003. My hubby and I had been married for 2 and a half years, and everything was about to change. He had finished his undergrad but was unable to find work, so we decided he should do more schooling (because that’s what you’re suppose to do, right?). We decided we were going to move to Atlanta for him to go to the school he felt would be most beneficial. We were super excited, I love a good adventure! So we put our townhouse on the market, and within a week, it sold. Easy! That evening I called my parents to tell them the good news. They were happy for us, but my mom just didn’t sound quite right. Actually, she had been feeling bad for a while.

That night, after we spoke, my father called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. At first they thought it was a ruptured ulcer. When they took her into surgery, they discovered a mass the size of a football in her abdomen. It was cancer. Her body was so weak, they put her in a drug induced coma for weeks. Once she was awake, they told us that if they don’t do chemo, the cancer could kill her in a month. But, if they did chemo, it could kill her in a week. Gee, thanks. She was coherent, so she opted to try the chemo. She made it through the first two like a champ. The third, destroyed her body. She died 4 months exactly from the night of my phone call to her. She never left the hospital.

While she was in the hospital, I said to my dad, “how can we possibly move now?” He told me, “you’re moving. Your mom would hate to be the cause of you not doing this.” Alright, fine. And besides, it was ok because we all had “faith” that she would recover. That she would be healed. And for a while it did seem like she was going to make it. The doctors were making a plan for her to go home and training my family on how to care for her. Our prayers were being answered, and our faith rewarded.

But here’s the thing, not all prayers (wishes) are answered (granted). I wondered, is that because the people involved didn’t have “enough” faith? And if that was the way it worked, does that mean that we can manipulate God to do what we want? How dare us, mere humans, try to control The Lord of the Universe! But there are many scriptures where Jesus heals people because of their faith.

Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly. (Matthew 15:28)

So I kept going to the scripture that actually defines what faith is, trying to figure this thing out.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

That didn’t seem to help much either. I mean, I had “faith” that she would be healed, meaning that I “hoped” she would be healed. But that didn’t really jive with other scripture in the Bible. Sure, Joseph ended up doing great things, but good grief, he got royally screwed. And screwed. And then screwed some more. But he never gave up having faith. So maybe, just maybe, this faith thing has nothing (NOTHING) to do with my circumstances. Maybe “faith” is not believing in something, but rather trusting in Someone.

There is another scripture where Jesus heals a cripple:

Some people brought to him a paralytic, lying on a bed. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Take heart, my son; your sins are forgiven.” (Matthew 9:2)

But wait a minute! He didn’t heal him at first! The miracle was not in the healing. The miracle was forgiveness!! And that’s what made the religious leaders mad. And it was to show the leaders that he was the Son of God that he healed the man. So then that got me thinking more. If there is a God (which I believe) and He sent His son to earth so that we could have a relationship with Him (which I believe) and I have been forgiven (which I needed) and the point of my life is to glorify this God (which I try), then that must mean that He would receive more glory from her dying, than if she lived.

Could she have been healed? Absolutely! But she wasn’t. If I’m going to claim to be a follower of Christ, then that means I have to trust when things are good, and trust when things are bad. I did ask for something after coming to this realization. “Lord, I know that I may never understand why she had to die, when she did and the way she did. But if you could ever let me know, that would be great.” And then I received an answer. Because of my love for running, I ran my second marathon with Team in Training in honor of my mother that had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. And during that training I met a friend that has held such a special place in my heart. And it occurred to me that if my mom had not died when she did and in the way she did, I would never have met her. It doesn’t mean that I wanted my mom to die, or that I will ever stop missing her. But it gives me such peace to know that The Lord is always at work.

I have faith that God is who He says He is, and I believe that Jesus is His son. My faith is not in what God can do for me. My faith is that He is God, and I can trust Him. I don’t know if The Lord will heal your dad, or get you a job, or allow you to have a child. But I know that He is Good.

Suddenly, Nothing Else Matters

Faith