mom

Mother’s day is coming to a close, and I hope you have had a restful day of adoration from your children. I have been showered with hand-made cards, flowers, and a day spent hiking in the mountains and hiding in my room. Yep, my hubby has allowed me to hide away and be alone. It’s beautiful. The children are either running, screaming, or crying, but I don’t care. He’s got it all under control, and I have a glass of wine.

For years, Mother’s Day was difficult for me because I had lost my mom to cancer. I would spend it watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. The tag line for the movie was, “Mothers. Daughters. The never-ending story of good vs. evil.” Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I would laugh and cry the whole way through. And then… I became a mom. Thus began the tradition of breakfast in bed, construction paper cards, and feeling honored.

Honestly, what I really want on this day is to not have to do anything. To not have to feed any children. To not have to change a diaper. To not have to pick up toys. To not listen to crying, or whining, or arguing. Pretty much, I don’t want to be a mom on Mother’s day.

I know this will change. There will soon be a day when I will want all my children near me to celebrate this day, and a day I will feel sad because they are no longer near by. And my heart aches when I think about those who desperately want to be a mom, and have not been able to take that journey. I won’t stay in this place for long, but for now, this is how it is.

The stages of Mother’s Day

I so badly want to be a mom!

I’m so excited to be a mom!

I don’t want to be a mom today!

I love being a mom!

I miss my kids. Oh look, grandchildren!

Here is what some of you have said about your ideal versus actual Mother’s Day

Mom of 4 ages 10-14

Ideal: Church and then a relaxing day spent mostly outdoors. I’d love to go hiking and have a picnic that I don’t have to prepare or clean up after.

Actual: Church, then go to my mom’s and cook omelets with my sister for our families. After that, cook dinner and take it to my mother-in-law’s house. I thoroughly enjoyed it last year thinking of other mothers rather than myself.

Mom of 4 ages 14-18

Ideal: Take a walk, go out to breakfast, have someone else make lunch. And go spend the day with my husband somewhere.

Actual: I will go take my mother-in-law lunch because it is also her birthday.

Mom of 1 age 13 months

Ideal: Spending part of the day receiving some form of pampering (mani/pedi, massage, hair appointment) coming home to a clean house and not having to cook the rest of the day.

Actual: Spend the prior week cleaning so I can enjoy a clean house on Mother’s day, go to church, go out for lunch, and hangout with family the rest of the day.

Mom of 3, grandmother to 6

Ideal: All my children and grandchildren will be gathered in my home for a cookout. It will be a day of laughter and good food with good conversation while the children play and run in and out. I will grab hugs and kisses as they run by.

Actual: Church, eat lunch, visit my mom at the nursing home. Kind of makes me sad to think about it.

Mom of 3, ages 6-14

Ideal: For years I dreaded mothers day. It was a reminder to me of what I didn’t have and was told I could never have. There is so much heartache wrapped up in that one day. It was truly a day of mourning. For so many years I dreamed about it and prayed that that day would become a happy day for me. So when I finally became a mother myself, that became one of my favorite days. It is a day of deep reflection for me every year. It is very emotional. I pray I will never forget those emotions. There is nothing I would rather be doing on that day than to be with my babies that made me a mom.

Actual: My second favorite day of the year is the kid’s birthday party. This year their birthday party will be on Mother’s day. For me, it doesn’t get better than that and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my day.

Mom of 3, ages 8-14

Ideal: To take a day trip with my mom and soak up good foods and sights. In years past though, I wanted a day off from being mom. I wanted to be completely alone with no mommy responsibilities!

Actual: Spend the day with my hubby and kids, probably grilling out and playing games-which is a close second to what I wish I could do.

Mom of 3 ages 9-15

Ideal: Spend time with my husband and kids, having meals catered in, and cleaned up by hired help, playing games without any arguments and perhaps watching a movie together as a family.

Actual: Going to church, spending time with the family playing tennis or games. Unfortunately, there probably will be arguments. Also I will either be supervising kids making a mess of the kitchen and/or cleaning up behind them. Or I will be kicked out of the kitchen by my husband and therefore we’re not spending time together.

Mom of 2 ages 10-13

Ideal: Wake up after sleeping in, go on a family hike with a picnic in the mountains, come home to eat take out, watch a good movie, and go to bed early.

Actual: It’s really just a normal Sunday. They do make me breakfast, then we go to church, then come home, cook, clean, and host mothers day dinner. My husband does do the clean up after dinner.

I am truly so fortunate to have my husband and children. And even though a day off would be nice, a day to love those children is so much more. I feel humbled that they want to honor me in any way they know how. If your “actual” isn’t your “ideal” know that you are not alone. And know that even though you may not get to spend this day the way you would like, that you are still honored and loved and blessed.

Happy Mother’s Day! xoxo

This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”

Who she is…

She is a military mom of three who has moved away from her hometown for the first time. She anticipated this move to be difficult and that it would be out of her comfort zone. Her whole adult life has been one trial after another, so she has just expected the bottom to drop out yet once again. Thankfully, the opposite has been true. A weight has been lifted, and she is feeling refreshed, relishing in her new life.

Where she’s been…

A month into marriage, she wanted out and she wanted to go back home. It wasn’t what she had pictured. She didn’t receive flowers, she wasn’t told she was beautiful, she wasn’t having fun. There was never enough money, and she didn’t like where they lived. In that first year she consoled herself by eating, and as a result gained 25 pounds. And then she became pregnant. She was a baby herself, only 19 years old, having to learn to be a mom and struggling with postpartum depression. Two years later, a second baby was born. She has very few memories of those first few years. She was on a high dosage of anti-depressants that left her feeling numb. She was chronically disappointed in her life and in the man she had married.

Her medication was adjusted and she eventually leveled out. Life was beginning to look a little brighter. She started to work a part-time job that helped build her confidence. Her spirit was rising. Then she decided to go down a wrong path and pursued a relationship with another man. And although adultery was not committed to the fullest extent, it was committed within her heart. There was then a massive divide in an already unstable marriage that resulted in years of repercussions.

But they stuck it out, and kept on working on their marriage. Six months later, she was pregnant again. There was still not enough money, and they were moving from one unhappy rental to the next. Her husband did finally have a good job, but instead of feeling relief the divide widened. She ate, and he drank. They argued. A lot. She finally told him that if he didn’t stop wasting their money and drinking she was going to take the kids and leave. She made good on her threat, taking her children to live with her parents for about 3 months. During this time she was able to find herself and her identity. She was being healed.

“I wasn’t just a survivor, I could thrive. I was still a daughter of God.”

She and her husband went through a lot of counselling, and reunited. It went smoothly for about a year until it started to slip, and they were sliding, once again, down that hill. They decided they were tired of living like roommates and not actually sharing the role of husband and wife. They were going to give up, and call it quits. Leaders in their church came along side of them and loved on them and gave them the freedom to split up. It wasn’t that the church wanted them to split, rather that the church wanted them to know that even if they did, they would still be loved and cared for by the church.

So they stayed together, yet again. She still expected the bottom to drop out, but she was no longer worried about it. Two weeks later he lost his job. He expressed interest in joining the military, even though she told him before they were married that she would never be a minister’s wife or a military wife. They talked together and decided that National Guard was the best choice. He enlisted, and left for basic training. Meanwhile, she went to school to be a nail tech. During this time they wrote letters. And letters. And more letters. In his 10 weeks at basic training, he wrote 50 letters.

“Through the mail, I fell in love with him for the first time.”

Since then, things have been improving. Not always easy, but improving. He served ten months in Africa, leaving her to work and care for their 3 children. Eventually that position ended with the Guard, and he worked a job that put them on opposite schedules. Her life was completely scheduled with work, church, children, family, friends.

“These trials that we endure, if we can be faithful, absolutely strengthen us. And they make us more fit for presenting the gospel, if not to the nations, then to my children. What better calling.”

And then, out of the blue, an incredible opportunity with the National Guard landed in his lap. Great job, nice area, good schools, and finally enough money. She never felt like she would arrive at this moment. She had resigned to the belief that her life was going to consist of simply surviving and only having the hope of heaven to keep her going.

In the first few weeks, they bickered a lot. They had to learn how to live on this new schedule, and to actually be with each other. They came to the realization that they didn’t know each other. They didn’t even know what the other’s likes and dislikes were. She is grateful to have this opportunity to start over and have a new beginning. She is learning who she really is without the baggage.

“Who we are becoming is the life I had dreamed and prayed for when I was growing up. And it’s even better than I hoped for!”

She knows that God has redeemed what has happened in their lives. Sometimes she lost sight that God was always pursuing her. Regardless of what she had done, He was always there pursuing her. After going through what she has gone through, it has made her appreciate what they have been given.

“God alone has done this. And it is marvelous!”

What her days look like…

Now she finds herself trying to be wise with what to do with her time. For the first time as an adult, she has had options for what to do with her day. She is relishing in it, and praying for wisdom in how to use it wisely.

After she gets her kids off to school, she spends time catching up with friends, does a bible study, workouts, gets ready, writes letters, runs errands, does housework, and then picks up her kids. And for the first time, they consistently have dinner as a family.

What her fears are…

She fears she will forget what God has done for her. In this season of blessing, she wants to remember how she got here and Who did it. She doesn’t want to take credit for any of it. It has truly been a gift. One that she has waited a long time for.

What her joys are…

For the first time, simply getting up in the morning is a joy.

“Here I am! I’m being blessed!”

How she stays sane…

She treats herself to fresh flowers in the house every week. She also has a love for writing. With an actual pen and paper! She loves blessing others by writing letters, and enjoys writing in her journal.

What she wants you to know…

She’s been told that she has a facade that makes it seem like she has it all together, and she feels like that makes her unapproachable, but she’s not like that at all. She doesn’t want to be read by her cover. She’s been deeply wounded, and she’s been restored. She doesn’t take the lessons she has learned for granted, and wants to be a friend to others. She wants to hear their stories as well. And maybe have a good laugh over a bottle of wine!

Oh mommas! We never really know what is going on behind the scenes of someone else’s life. Let’s carry each other’s burdens in times of sorrow, and rejoice with each other in times of blessing!

Mother’s Day: Ideal vs. Actual