This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”
Who she is…
She is a mom to 3 boys, ages 10, 9, and 6, and a girl, age 7. The older two are theirs through adoption, which was finalized earlier this year. She enjoys having several smaller jobs/projects rather than a full-time gig. Currently her days are filled with being a part-time director for a housing ministry that helps to equip individuals and families who fall beneath the poverty line, running a home based business, and serving in ministry with a church plant.
Where her journey has taken her…
Early in their marriage they were pursuing the American dream. They were both working in careers simply to get stuff that they wanted. They were tired of trying to keep up with that lifestyle.
“It just wasn’t life-giving.”
In their hearts, they knew that what they really wanted was to work in ministry together. She had a heart for children in foster care and had brought up the possibility of being a family teacher/house parent at a children’s home. Her husband, who had a career in behavioral health, was hesitant about this however, because he knew how broken the system was and how difficult it would be. He felt that maybe one day they would adopt, but did not want to be a foster parent.
They decided to move closer to family, with the intention of continuing their current lifestyle even though they truly wanted to get away from it. They were progressing in the journey of moving, but neither of them had found a job yet.
“Everyone thought we were crazy!”
During this process her husband was struggling with anxiety about the move and lack of work. One night, while they were discussing the impending move, their daughter came and asked what was wrong. He replied that he didn’t know what to do for work, and asked her what she thought he should do. She said with perfect clarity, “God wants you to take all the boys and girls that don’t have mommies and daddies and put them in a van and bring them to our house.” Her husband was undone. His heart melted, and he submitted to this calling. He called several different children’s homes, got an interview at one located near family, and they were soon hired to be family teachers. They started immediately after their move with no break in pay.
When they first started, they were in the preschool cottage thinking that it would be great since their children, who would stay in the cottages with them, were 3 and 4 at the time. In actuality, their children became very needy. It was like they had 8 children under the age of 5. When they were on duty the children in their care were their priority and they didn’t want their own children to be the cause of upset in the cottage, so they would end up being harder on their own children. They soon realized that it was not healthy for their children as they were needing more of their attention. They then moved to a cottage for elementary boys, which was a much better fit since the children in their care were older and more independent.
“We could take our biological kids and hold them for a little bit if we needed to. Or if they needed discipline, it could be as long as it needed to be.”
She never felt that her children were in immediate danger, but there were always precautions taken for their safety. They were always behind a locked door at night. They were always within their sight. Thankfully, their children were never targeted by children in the home when there was a prolonged outburst of anger.
They were well prepared for what to expect in the home, and how volatile it could be at times. They were not, however, prepared for the level of normal day to day chaos, with minimal down time. It was constantly on the go for a full 7 days. As a family teacher, their schedule was 7 days fully on, 2 days as support, and then 5 days off. Her family was in this role for 2.5 years.
After moving to the elementary cottage, the boys who would eventually become their sons arrived. They were instantly drawn to their love of life and energy. They knew that the boys were on track for adoption, and they knew they would have a difficult time saying goodbye to them.
“At mothers days [he] brought home an art project with a poem that said, ‘You make me baked spaghetti, you push me on the swing, you pray with me, and teach me about God and his Son.’ I read it and said, ‘Oh this is adorable, I love it! Is this for your mom?’ He said, ‘Nope it’s for you!’ God revealed to us that these were our kids.”
They began the process to be approved for adoption so that when the brothers became available for adoption, they would be ready. This process began about 10 months after the boys came to their cottage. The day after they sent off the first application, they received an email informing them that their birth mother had relinquished her parental rights. It was not for another 16 months that their background summaries were completed (the background summary contains all information about the children and their parents and the situation that they came from, and must be completed before adoption can occur). Simultaneously, it was nearly a year before they were approved to be foster parents for the boys. At that time, the boys were able to move in with them. However, they still could not tell them that they were pursuing them in adoption. The boys moved into their home in December of 2015, believing that they were just their foster parents. This resulted in days early on with behavior problems and them feeling angry and unstable. The younger brother didn’t see what the point was to move into their home, believing that he was going to be able to stay.
“I told him, ‘God is in control and He loves you and He knows what is best for you and you have got to trust that He has a plan, and know that we do not want you to have to leave. Trust that.’ After that he stopped being so unsure of everything.”
Adoption was final May 2016.
Where she is now…
Life is definitely busier with four children. The kids, however, do seem to do better though and bicker less because there are more playmates. Chores was an easy transitions because that was part of life at the cottage, and they just kept it part of their routines. Each of them keep their rooms clean and help with laundry.
“The make their own fun, and come up with sports, and do weird games, and play hide and seek. It’s always an adventure with 4 of them.”
What her strengths are…
She is very empathetic. She can see that there is more beyond the behavior of her children, and is able to get to the heart of what is going on. She counsels them and brings them back to the gospel and the truth of who Jesus is.
She is creative and loves doing projects with them and encourages them to make and sell stuff so they are able to give to others in need.
What her weaknesses are…
She can be emotional, and will get stressed or flustered when parenting.
She also knows that she doesn’t rest enough. She lets herself get run down and is then not able to do all of the things she would like with her kids, or be with them as much as she wants to be.
“I have to just play, and not work!”
What she fears…
She fears for her children’s futures. She tends to think worst case scenario. So when they act out or are disrespectful, her mind jumps to thoughts that their future is doomed.
Where she finds joy…
She loves watching them change into these incredible people that God has created them to be.
“Getting to foster their gifts and talents individually and point out how they bear God’s image in different ways. And that they can be proud of it.”
How she stays sane…
She has learned that eating healthy is important for her to feel her best. And she reads different devotionals and scripture daily for encouragement.
“I draw life from other people, so getting together with other women as often as I can to talk and pray is important.”
What she wants others to know…
People will often make comments to her, in regard to adopting, that are well-meaning and kind and thoughtful. They are wanting to compliment them for this thing that they have done. But it leaves her feeling awkward.
“I want people to know that we are not extraordinary, we didn’t have special gifts or abilities to care for these children. It is only by the grace of God. Knowing that we have been adopted into the family of God motivated us to pursue these kids who needed parents and who needed to know their heavenly Father. God brought these kids to us and it is a privilege to be able to parent them.”
