Stay Sane – Page 32 – Oh Lord Help Us

Mourning Insecurities

Stay SaneDecember 9, 2014June 5, 2016

These past two months have been just a tad more hectic than normal. In addition to my normal mom and wife routine and running marathons, I started making stuff and selling them at craft fairs. I have really enjoyed myself. I love being creative and working with my hands. I also like making some extra cash for Christmas! I feel pretty good about the stuff I make, but that was not the case three months ago.

I have a friend that is about ten years younger than me, but I totally look up to her and ask her for advice when it comes to this stuff. She’s incredible at making all sorts of things and has done well with her business. She’s an entrepreneur even though she doesn’t see herself as one. Her and I were talking about three months ago about different craft fairs she was planning on selling at and she encouraged me to sign up to do one as well. I did, but I was a nervous wreck. See, when it came to this kind of stuff, I felt like an imposter. I’m confident as a wife, mom, runner, dental hygienist, but I didn’t see myself as talented enough to sell my stuff. I would feel guilty to take people’s money. But I’m not one to back down to a challenge, so I registered. And I started making stuff. And more stuff. And then I couldn’t stop. So I registered for another. And made even more stuff. And you know what? People gladly paid me for it!

During this process, I had been thinking a lot about grieving (because of a miscarriage that you can read about here), and about insecurities (because I felt like a fake). I looked into my past and saw how I had been dealing with my insecurities and the progress that I had made. Then I looked at my friends that are ahead of me in life and saw the peace that they have. And I realized that to get past my insecurities, I need to mourn for them. The basic steps of grieving are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

In my 20s I would never have admitted weakness. I was in complete denial that I didn’t have it all together. Even after my mom died, I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem. I wanted to “help” others that were grieving, thinking that I didn’t need help myself. Now in my 30s I have admitted I have issues. And I have tried to “deal” with them, learn how to “overcome” them. I’m being honest, but I’m still fighting having them. I believe (hope) that when I am in my 40s I will have accepted my insecurities, and by doing that, I will no longer be controlled by them. I’m really looking forward to my 40s by the way.

It’s okay that I’m in the anger-bargaining-depression stage. Although for me it has been more like the anger-depression-anger-bargaining. In regards to building confidence with selling the stuff I was making, I had to first admit to myself that I didn’t like what I was making. It was cheesy. But then I was frustrated with myself that I couldn’t do cooler stuff. So I just stopped. For a couple years I didn’t do hardly anything. Until I saw it as a challenge and forced myself to practice. The more I have worked on it, the more confident I have become. And by becoming more confident, I have found something that I really enjoy doing.

This is true for many different areas of life. When someone first starts running, they feel clumsy. I met a guy that runs for Singapore. He’s their number 2 marathoner. When I asked him about his running history, he said he started running to lose weight. He went from overweight, to being the second fastest marathoner from Singapore! When having a baby for the first time, it’s terrifying. No new parent knows what they are doing. They send you home with this utterly helpless human and say, good luck! But within weeks a mom and dad know what every little cry means. And when they turn 6, you can anticipate their every move (not quite, but pretty close). When starting a new job, it’s completely normal to feel awkward and doubt your decisions. But the more time that is invested, the more confident you become.

So here it is. Here is my advice. If there is something that you want to do or accomplish, but just feel like you can’t:

1. Suck it up and admit that you suck. It’s ok. You don’t have to be perfect.

2. Surround yourself with people that will encourage and challenge you.

3. Make a commitment.

4. Practice.

5. Compliment others along the way. I know I hadn’t really mentioned that until now, but I have found that whenever I am doubting myself, if I encourage others then I am encouraged as well.

Sloppy, Sloppy

Eat, Save, Stay SaneDecember 5, 2014

Every week I sit down and plan out what meals we will have for the next week, then make out my grocery list. I have a notebook full of these menus, shopping lists, and to-do lists. The other day, as dinner time was quickly approaching, I said out loud, “I guess I should see what we are having for dinner. Looks like…chicken with roasted potatoes and brussel sprouts.” To which my 6 year old replied, “I don’t want that.” Now, I am not one to alter my plans to appease my children. And I usually love that meal. But I had to agree with him, I didn’t want it either. So instead, I made Sloppy Joes! And served it with baked sweet potatoes. It was, as always, a hit!

It’s one of our favorite quick go to meals, and of course it’s super affordable! And everytime I make it I think of Adam Sandler singing Lunchroom Lady Land. I try to sing it for the boys, but they just give me funny looks.

Here is my recipe (I came up with it all on my own!!)

Ingredients:

1-1.5 lb ground beef or turkey

1 chopped onion

12 oz tomato paste

1/2 c water

1/4 c brown sugar

1 Tb red wine vinegar

2 Tb Worcestershire sauce

1 tsp ground mustard

1 tsp salt

Step One:

Brown meat with onion.

Step Two:

Add everything else and stir. Let simmer for 30 minutes.

Serve on buns. Look here for my recipe for homemade hamburger buns.

Here’s the cost breakdown:

Ground turkey (this is what I prefer to use) 2.29

Onion .38

Tomato paste .78

Brown sugar .14

Buns (I bought them this time): 1.49

Total: $5.08 for at least 8 servings. That’s 64 cents a serving!!

I’m Done Running

Be Healthy, Stay SaneNovember 18, 2014

This has been the “Year of the Race” for me. Six trail races, two triathlons, and two marathons. I am ready to hibernate.

My last run before this past marathon got me thinking. I once believed that runners were running from something. I realized that I’m not running from something. I’m running to something. This has not always been the case.

I’ve been running since I was 14, and it was truly because I enjoyed it (and didn’t have the coordination to play a sport with a ball). My first road race was when I was 21. Then I attempted twice to train for a marathon but had to quit because of injuries. When I finally did accomplish it, it was because I was running away.

In March of 2003 my mom went into the hospital suddenly. She had cancer and was in a drug-induced coma. The doctors didn’t expect much, but we had hope. In June, my hubby and I moved to Atlanta. In July, she was gone. I had so much anger, and hurt, and heartbreak. I was in a new city with a new job with no friends and no family. So I ran. And ran. And ran. It was my therapy.

After my first marathon I decided to do another, and another, and…you get the point. Somewhere along the way I did let go of the anger, and was able to find peace and even joy in the heartbreak I had experienced. But any time my world starts to crumble, I plan another race. Hence these past two marathons.

Back in August I found out I was expecting again! And then that I was having a miscarriage (my second). I cried and yelled and cussed when I first discovered that I was losing it. But when they gave me the official word, nothing. Not a drop of saline came from my eyes. For nearly two months. Until my last training run. And I realized that I had been running away again. This song came on. Here are the lyrics:

You are good, You are good
When there’s nothing good in me

You are love, You are love
On display for all to see

You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole

You are God, You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough

And at that moment I decided that I’m not running away any longer, I’m running to my Lord, my Savior, my Love. That night I cried, and it felt so good.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there will be more heartbreaks in my future. And I’m sure I will be out there running. It is my stress reliever and therapy. The Lord has made me with the ability and the desire to do so. But I know that I will be running to the promises that He has for me.

Please Don’t Give My Kid a Trophy

Parent, Stay SaneNovember 9, 2014May 24, 2016

This past spring my older son wanted to play soccer. I wanted him to play t-ball. He had played t-ball the year before and did great. He made good contact with the ball, and hit it hard. He hustled on the field and usually got to the ball first. Like, even if it meant running from one side of the field to the other. Five year olds. I was excited to start my journey as a baseball mom. But I messed up and signed him up for soccer at the same time t-ball was happening. So I gave him the choice. And he actually thought about it. And had a good reason. Gotta give him some credit. He said that since he had already played t-ball, he wanted to try a new sport. Ok, fine.

Oh.Lord.Help.Us. For real. It was SO PAINFUL!!

Like myself, if he gets overwhelmed, he shuts down. Well, it’s so chaotic out there that all he does is jump up and down. He doesn’t kick the ball, he doesn’t block the ball, he just jumps. It drove me bonkers. Part of it is the age, part of it is personality, and part of it is upbringing I suppose. We drill into our kids to be kind, and gentle, and not aggressive. Then we put them on the field and want them to fight for the ball. He has the skill. He plays great when it’s just us at home. And he can be aggressive with his little brother. So frustrating.

But alas, all is well. I figure, we will go back to t-ball. That’s easier, not so chaotic. Your turn to hit. Ball comes to you, you get it. It’s not a mob-fest. Hold up, not so fast momma. See, he got a trophy at the end of last soccer season. Just like all the kids did. He is super proud of that trophy. He truly thinks he was a star player. Oh dear.

This past week basketball started. Yep, here we are again. My husband took him to his first practice. Near the end of the practice he texted me out of desperation and frustration. It was the same thing as soccer apparently. Leaving practice he says, “I can’t wait to tell mom how good I am!” As sweet as that is it makes me want to scream. My husband’s response was a gentle, “you have room for improvement.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for encouraging my (and all) children. And I’m even fine with awards. But let’s actually encourage something worthwhile. If you are going to give the kids trophies, then make it mean something. How about, “Johnny, you get the award for always trying your hardest,” or “Susy, you get the award for being the most encouraging to your teammates,” and of course include “Billy, you get the award for points scored,” and “Betty, you get the award for most blocks.” Do you like my use of names from the fifties? But now my son thinks he is great, when really, he needs to practice and put work into. He needs to get out of his comfort zone and be bold.

But this requires more effort of the coaches and the program as a whole. And, of course, more effort of us. This means we (my husband) will need to work with him, teach him, practice with him. Then, perhaps, he will not feel overwhelmed. Then he can focus on boxing out and getting rebounds (do you like how I’m throwing out basketball terms, like I know how to play). With work and effort, he can then feel proud of that trophy, because he did something to earn it.

Warm Soup and Golden Buns (what you’ll get from me if you ever have a baby)

Eat, Save, Stay SaneNovember 6, 2014

I love my veggie soup. It’s so yummy, so easy, and so inexpensive. It also has no onions, no garlic, no broccoli; so it’s perfect for new moms that may be nursing. There is also enough for leftovers, so the new mom gets two meals out of it.

I made this this past weekend for a family in our church. We were also going over to a friends house for trick or treating and she was making beef stew. So I decided to make some rolls to go with both! This is my hamburger bun recipe, I just didn’t flatten them so they have more of a roll look about them.

First, the veggie soup recipe:

Ingredients:

20 oz package ground turkey

1 jar of spaghetti sauce

4 cups of mixed veggies (frozen or two cans)

1 quart chicken broth

1 tsp salt

Step 1:

Brown the turkey.

Step 2:

Add everything else and let simmer for at least 30 minutes.

See? How easy is that?

Here’s the price breakdown. I got everything at Aldi. I prefer to use frozen veggies, but they didn’t have it, so I used the can version. But they do have organic spaghetti sauce and chicken broth which I love!

Ground turkey $3.29

Spaghetti sauce $1.79

Mixed veggies $1.30 (for 2 cans)

Chicken broth $1.69

Total: $8.07 for 6-8 servings. That’s $1.01-$1.35 a serving!!!

Now for the hamburger buns/rolls:

Ingredients:

1 cup milk

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup butter

4 1/2 cup all purpose flour

2 1/4 tsp yeast

2 Tb honey

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 egg

Step 1:

Heat milk, water, butter in saucepan until butter has melted.

Step 2:

In large bowl mix 1 3/4 cup flour, yeast, and salt.

Step 3:

Mix in milk mixture, egg, and honey.

Step 4:

Add remaining flour and knead until smooth and elastic (about 8 minutes).

Step 5:

Divide into 16 equal parts. Shape into balls and place on greased baking sheet. Leave as balls if you are making rolls, flatten them if you are making hamburger buns. Cover and let rise 30-45 minutes.

Step 6:

Bake 400 degrees for 10-12 minutes.

Watch out for sneaky husbands!

Here’s the price breakdown:

Milk $.24

Butter $.37

Flour $1.05

Yeast $.31

Honey $.27

Salt $.01

Total: $2.25 for 16 and there is no yoga mat foam in the ingredients. Did you hear about that? Crazies.

The Post Workout Stank

Be Healthy, Stay SaneNovember 1, 2014March 20, 2016

I have a little household tip for you this time.

As I was doing laundry this week, I got lightheaded while putting our technical workout clothes in the wash. Last weekend both hubby and I competed in races. He did the Tough Mudder in North Carolina, and I did the Carolina Marathon. I disturbed the odors that were in our clothes basket. Nast.Eeeee.

But this is isn’t a new problem. Our workout clothes reek on a regular basis. I’ve heard that it is because a different type of bacteria thrive on polyester than cotton. And apparently you can’t kills those stinky little critters. I have tried the special detergent for workout clothes. And it does seem to help, but I think it’s just because the fragrance is stronger. And it doesn’t help for long. As soon as you wear them again and your body warms up the bacteria, the stank returns.

So I looked up how to get rid of the stank. You can either dry your clothes in the sun, or use vinegar. I don’t have a clothes line, so I opted to try the vinegar route. I soaked my shorts in 1 part vinegar, 4 parts water for 30 minutes. Then rinsed them out and put them in the wash with the rest.

Verdict. Compared to some of the other items (yes, I went through and smelled our stuff-you’re welcome), it did seem to be better, but not totally gone. The only workout clothes that don’t smell of mine or either new, or from lululemon. So I guess you could pay a fortune at lululemon once, or buy cheaper stuff more often. Or stop running all the time. But that ain’t gonna happen.

Tortillas For All!

Be Healthy, Eat, Save, Stay SaneOctober 29, 2014

This weeks healthy money saving recipe is for tortillas. They are yummy, cheap, and have no soy. Yep, chances are the tortillas you bought at the store have soy. These use olive oil. Much better.

Now, I must be honest. These are not as “flexible” as the tortillas you get at the store. I’m sure this is because it uses olive oil and not lard or soybean oil. We wrap them in a wet paper towel and then warm it up in the microwave and it works fine for quesadillas, fajitas, sandwich wraps, etc.

Ingredients:

3 cup All Purpose Flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp baking powder

1/3 cup olive oil

1 cup warm water

Step 1:

Combine flour, salt, and baking powder

Step 2:

Add olive oil and mix with hands until mixture is crumbly

Step 3:

Add water and knead until dough is smooth and forms a ball

Step 4:

Divide into 16 equal parts

Step 5:

Flatten and then roll out

Step 6:

Cook on medium heat approximately 2 minutes a side

Here is the price breakdown:

Flour: $1.07 for Gold Medal Organic or $0.43 for non-organic

Olive Oil: $0.58 for generic Extra Virgin Olive Oil from Walmart

Salt: $0.01

Total: $1.02-$1.66 for 16 tortillas

Best Run Ever!

Be Healthy, Stay SaneOctober 26, 2014

I love running. I love marathons. I love Greenville, SC. Yesterday I ran my 15th marathon in my 15th state. And for the first time I ran in the city where I live.

Usually after going for a training run, my hubby will ask how it went. For the past few years, most of my responses have been, “best run ever!” Well this past marathon, it really was my “best run ever”. Really. I have been trying to beat my best time since 2006. I have come close (like missed it by 3 seconds), but it has alluded me. Yesterday I beat my best time by nearly 10 minutes. That is huge! I came in 8th overall and 2nd in my age group.

Here are some things that helped.

It was nice running in my hometown. I knew the course, so I knew when to hold back, and I knew when to let my legs fly. I was relaxed because it felt like a training run. I could look forward to seeing my family cheer me on.

I started out slow. For the first 3 miles I ran with a pacing group slower than what I anticipated. I get so excited about the race, that I have to force myself to take it easy. But warming up that way allows me to run negative splits. I first accomplished this last year at the Philly Marathon. I was shocked at how good I felt at the end. Before that I would always struggle the last 6-8 miles and end up blowing my goal. So I started with one pacing group and then started chasing individuals until I caught up with the next pacing group. And then passed them. It was perfect.

I fueled properly. I can’t do Gatorade. But I can consume Gu. I use to consume half a pack every 6 miles. On a training run, I experimented with every 4 miles and found that worked well. Also, a running friend had shared with me that our brains need sugar before our muscles do. If we start to feel mentally exhausted (which is a big part of the marathon) then there is a good chance we need to fuel up.

My breathing was deep and calm. Early on in the race I was surprised by how many people were huffing and puffing. Like at mile 4. Oh dear, I thought, they are in trouble. But it helped make me aware of my own breathing. I made sure I was taking full breaths and releasing it slowly. If you are breathing so hard that you can’t talk, then you are running too fast for a marathon.

I was mentally calm. I have really struggled in the past with the mental aspects of running marathons. The first 6 miles I thought of as a warm up. At 10 miles, I thought about my “social” runs that I do with a friend where we talk nonstop. At 13 I thought, ok let’s do a half marathon now. At 16, I went back to thinking about my fun 10 mile runs and that was all I had left to go. At 20, people all of a sudden start walking. I’m telling myself, it’s just a number. But that “wall” at mile 20 is a real thing. So now, I train up to 22 miles, which has really helped. So I thought, I’m at least fine until 22. At 22 I thought, well if I was doing another training run it would go to 24, so I guess I’m still fine. At 24 I broke it down to four more half miles to go. At 25, I just had to get up that hill. At 26, I can see the finish line. At 26.2 I started crying.

The last thing I did that helped was that I didn’t look at my time. I was keeping track of my pace each mile, so I knew I was doing well. But I knew if I looked at my overall time, I would freak out. I would start doing math in my head and either start slacking because I could have gone slower and still beat my best time, or psych myself out that I was doing so well and end up cracking under the pressure.

I don’t know if I will ever beat this time, and I don’t think I care. The day was perfect. I’m 36 and in the best shape of my life. I’m a wife, and my husband is proud of me. I’m a mom, and I’m setting a positive example for my boys. I will continue to have the best life ever.

Completion

Stay SaneOctober 20, 2014January 25, 2016

A few weeks ago I bought a 2000 piece puzzle. Let me just say, I know how to have a good time. I would sit with a glass of wine and crackers spread with goat cheese working my puzzle while a documentary was on tv. Seriously, I am such a nerd. But a classy nerd.

Doing this puzzle totally consumed me. I spent way more time each day on it than I felt like I should have been doing.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things that I want to be doing. And then I rebel against myself. I want to make homemade bread, I want to run, I want to blog, I want to build a website with my hubby, I want to play with clay, I want to keep my house clean, I want to teach my children. This is so completely silly. These are all things that I want to be doing. Nobody is telling me to do these things. But there are a lot of things on my list. And a big problem with them is that there is no end. All of those things are on going.

So I begin to feel overwhelmed. And when I feel overwhelmed, I shut down. I realized that I needed to do this puzzle. I needed a project that had an end. And so I finished it.

Now back to being an overachieving nerd….

How to Have a Great Marriage in 5113 Days

Stay SaneOctober 12, 2014June 26, 2016

5113. That is how many days my hubby and I will be married on Monday (yes, I included leap days). Fourteen years of marital bliss. Actually, 14 years of honoring, working, fighting, encouraging, being flexible, and resting. I was going to write a post giving advice, but the advice I would give would be to honor, work, fight, encourage, be flexible, and rest. So instead, I thought I would share our journey.

We met right before I turned 21. At church. He walked into the Sunday school class (my first time, he grew up there), and I thought, “well, looks like I found the right church!” He was (is) gorgeous. It all started very slowly (but married quickly). His best friend was engaged to his sister (nice move) and I had become good friends with her (what can I say, she’s a likable gal). The four of us would hang out quite often. A few months before their wedding his friend asks me (in front of him) what my intentions were with his best friend. My face turned crimson. My response came from The Lord. I said, “until he makes his intentions clear, my heart will stay out of it.” Good, right?!?!?

The next day he came over and made his intentions clear. The romantic that he is, his comment was, “you’re like the coolest chic I’ve ever known.” How’s a girl to turn that down. It took another month until he held my hand. And then another month to kiss me. At that point he tells me that he loves me. This was not said in return. That phrase had become cheap to me, and I had told myself (and him) that the next time I said that would be to the man I would marry. It didn’t take long. A couple weeks later I said it in return. He told me he wanted me to be his wife. Less than 3 months later he proposed with a ring. And less than five months after that we got married. On Friday the 13th. In October. With a full moon. We are risk takers. During our courtship he honored me so highly, and that has not changed.

The first year for us was easy. We were playing nice, too polite to be honest. The second year is when it got real. And feelings got hurt. And trust was broken. But it was also the year that we decided there would be no backing down. We are going to get through this. Defeat was not an option. We accepted that it was going to be work, and we were okay with it.

The third year was when our foundation was shaken. We had decided to move from Louisville to Atlanta for him to go to grad school. Our home sold within a week! That night I called my parents to tell them the good news. My mom didn’t sound so good, but she hadn’t for a while. Later that night she went to the hospital and didn’t get out until she went home to heaven four months later. While she was in the hospital we moved (with my father’s blessing). I wish we had waited. We didn’t make it home in time. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was angry. At my husband, at God, at life. But I didn’t know what to do with it. So I turned inward and began drowning. My husband had his own set of struggles. And the rift began to form. We didn’t even see it happening. And then friends from church showed us (without even knowing it) what real honesty looked like. It was messy. Like, my-brother’s-room-when-he-was-a-teenager messy. We had already decided that defeat wasn’t an option, but I wasn’t prepared for just how painful it would be. Looking back, that was a crucial growth period for us. So even though the foundation was shaken, it stood firm. Now we weren’t just working on our marriage, we were fighting for it.

After living in Atlanta for two years, we moved on to Chicago. Well, the suburbs to be honest. It’s different. Really. The job that took us there didn’t last long for him. And so began a season of tremendous growth for him. Learning to find value from something other than his career. This is when as his wife I had to encourage him and assure him that he was valuable and he was talented and he will find work and he was and will be successful.

We decided to actually move into the city so he would have more work options, and we decided to open a coffee shop (that’s a whole long story I will share another time). For the first time we struggled, like really struggled, with finances. Now we had loads of debt and very little income. Nothing seemed to be easy, but what can I say, such is the life of a risk taker. And then, oh look! I’m pregnant! No worries, I thought, I’m Wonder Woman! I can do it all! Wrong. So we walked away from the coffee world and began to raise a little person. Things became pretty routine for a while. He worked, I worked, we bought a house, remodeled a house, made another little person. We were flexible. When the situation we were in was becoming destructive we did what we needed to change it.

But we were never really settled in Chicago. It didn’t feel like home. So we decided to move south. We didn’t really care where. So when he got a job in Greenville, South Carolina (aka heaven on earth) we said, sure why not! The first time either of us ever came here was with the moving truck. So here we are. We are finally in a season a peace. We are busy, but enjoying ourselves. We are appreciating where we are, because who knows how long it will last?

We have not “arrived” in our marriage. I’m not that naive. I know there will be struggles in the future. But I know that we will face them together.