How Do We End the Judgement?

Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 21, 2015January 29, 2016

We have all been there. We have been the one standing alone while others made snide comments and pointed and laughed (although it may just have been in our minds). And we have also been the one commenting and pointing and laughing (even if it has just been in our minds). Nobody wins. Everybody feels cruddy after the fact.

Here’s What Happened

I found myself in this situation a couple weeks ago while my sons were at swim lessons. There is this one 5 year old boy in my younger son’s class that is, how shall I say….,very active. Now, I am no stranger to active little boys. I have boys, my friends have boys, I’m married to a man that used to be a boy. So I was not concerned with his activeness. I was concerned with how little regard this boy had for authority. Completely ignoring his mother, the teacher, and the lifeguard. This is scary to me because, hello! These are kids in water! The first couple weeks I was unconcerned, no judgement, just observation.

But then, a couple weeks ago, I crossed the line into judgement. The mom had told her son for the 14th time to put something away. Instead of obeying he threw a temper tantrum. And then… she gave in and handed it back to him. I’m so thankful that the pool area is loud and echo-y because a comment actually slipped out of my mouth. But then I felt cruddy. (And if by some bizarre chance this dear mom is reading this, please know that I did feel cruddy and I am sorry.)

Now, am I wrong to think that she could have handled that differently? I don’t think so. But I was wrong to point (in my mind) and make a snide comment (in actuality). I don’t know this lady. I don’t know what her marriage is like, or if she is even married. I don’t know what she deals with on a daily basis with her son. I do know that she was frustrated and probably could have used some encouragement.

At that moment I was not in the frame of mind to actually encourage her. But I did think of a dear friend that I know feels overwhelmed at times when dealing with her son. So I texted her a simple message of “I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.”

So What Do You Think?

Is it judgement just to disagree with someone? Their parenting style, their health choices, the way they communicate. In our culture right now we are so concerned with not offending people that we are more afraid than ever to disagree, but have never been more judgemental. Maybe if we learn to understand people, and/or assume the best of them, we can get beyond ourselves and leave the judging thing to The Lord. He’s the only one that truly knows our hearts anyways, right?

So then, how do we encourage those around us? Whether it is someone we love, or a stranger, we can all use a bit of encouragement. And isn’t it true that the areas we need the most encouragement are the areas we are weakest in. Which means these areas are the most vulnerable to being “judged” because we are not doing them as well as we would like.

Perhaps we need to encourage “in faith.” In faith, I want my son to be a hard worker; so I praise him for being a hard worker. Our children will be what we tell them they are. So isn’t this true for others. If you want someone to be a good mom and for them to feel that they are, then tell them they are.

And finally, isn’t this true for ourselves. Don’t we deserve to encourage our own souls?

Stop judging others, and stop judging yourself. In faith, encourage the area that is weakest.

xoxo

6 Tips For Surviving Postpartum

Be Healthy, Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 14, 2015

After giving birth, some new moms automatically adjust well. They love their baby and they love being a mom. But there are some new moms that have a more difficult time adjusting. And often, they don’t know how to talk about it.

My baby girl is now 2 months old, and I gotta say, life is pretty great. I don’t even want to tell you how great because I will sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not really bragging, I’m just excited. And happy. And rested.

And it is alright for me to feel this way, I was nervous that I wouldn’t. Why? Because with my first two children it was rough those first couple of months. It was those first couple of months that no one warned me about. Oh sure, I knew I would be tired, that’s understood. But the emotional swings that I experienced caught me off guard. It wasn’t until my first born was older that I realized it was postpartum depression. I was prepared for it with the second, and considered not having a third child because of it.

Since I was not prepared to experience this with my first, I am pretty open with other people about it. If I have any sort of relationship with a woman that is expecting, we will be having a conversation at some point that begins with, “Just so you know I had my nervous breakdown when he was 5 weeks old…” I hope (oh Lord, do I hope) that whoever I am speaking with doesn’t end up needing my advice, but just in case she does, I want her to know that she is not alone and should not feel ashamed.

Before I continue, let me give my disclaimer here. This is simply my story, my experience, and my life. There are things that I tried that helped and things that didn’t. I am not a physician, or psychologist, or counselor. If you are dealing with postpartum depression I am simply here to provide encouragement, and part of that encouragement will be to seek professional help.

My Story

Like I said previously, I had a “nervous breakdown” when my firstborn was 5 weeks old. Honestly, I’m being dramatic. A true nervous breakdown is no laughing matter. Mine was more of a meltdown. Trouble, though, started before that episode. I should have known something was not right when he was 3 weeks old. It was the middle of the night, I had just finished feeding him and he wouldn’t stop crying. He was not one of those sleepy babies that you could feed and put right back to bed. I was trying to calm him, soothe him, take care of him all on my own because that’s what mom’s are suppose to do, right? I’m just suppose to automatically think he’s the best thing ever and gush and never complain, right? Well to be honest, I didn’t feel that way. It turned out I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him. And so that night while I was holding him and he was crying and I was crying, I started screaming. My hubby ran into the nursery to me screaming, “Take him, just take him!!” Because I was about 3 seconds away from shaking him. Isn’t that awful? Even now, over 7 years later I feel awful for feeling that way. And I realized in that moment why people shake their babies, and I understood the desperation, and I lost any judgement that I had felt towards them. After that my hubby and I came to an understanding. I would feed him (had to, I was nursing) and try to put him back to sleep. If he didn’t go to sleep, then it was his turn. The key was, I had to ask for help. He wasn’t expecting me to do it all on my own. I was.

A couple weeks later I was not much better. I had called my mother-in-law for encouragement and support and would have received it if only she had been home (this was back in the day when people still used their home phones as their primary number). Instead, her mother answered the phone. I know she meant well, and in her mind she probably thought she was giving good advice. But it wasn’t. It was maybe good advice for a woman living in the 1950’s, but not for current times. She made the comment, “Well, I sure hope Jeremy (hubby) isn’t having to get up at night since he has to go to work.” Here’s the thing, when my son was born we still had the coffee shop. There is no maternity leave when you own your own business. The second day home from the hospital I was having to do payroll. I told her that I was working too, and she simply responded with “Well, maybe you are doing too much.” No, duh!! But that was not the way I wanted to hear it, so I started crying. And didn’t stop. For a long time.

Fast forward three and a half years to the birth of my second son. Once again, around the 3 week mark I lose it. But this time when I felt overwhelmed I didn’t just cry, I got angry. And once I again I felt myself losing control and screaming for help. This time I called my midwife right away. I knew better. They put me on a low dose of an anti-depressant. It did seem to help some, but honestly I just felt numb. Numb to my children, and numb to my husband. It was miserable. So I weaned myself off the drug and went to talk to a psychologist instead. The problem was, the one they referred me to was younger than me, not married, no children. I’m sure she was/is a great psychologist, but I needed someone that could actually understand what I was dealing with. So I quit that as well. I started exercising. The gym became my therapy sessions. And this seemed to work for me. I had a release valve for all my stress and anxiety. I did end up a few months later, once I was done nursing, going on a different med and finding a different therapist (she was in her 60’s and a grandmother and was incredible).

As I was expecting to have my third baby, I started thinking through ways to prevent going through this again if at all possible. Some things I was ahead of the game on already. Life is much less stressful now. No coffee shop to run, financially stable, better weather. I also had started reading about probiotics while pregnant. Some studies have shown that it can actually reduce postpartum depression. Score! I also exercised throughout my entire pregnancy and ate healthier than I had been previously. I made and froze meals so I wouldn’t have to deal with that once the baby was born. I limited the amount of help that was offered, kindly asking family and friends to hold off on visiting. My hubby was home the first week, worked from home the second, and helped me get going in the morning the third week. By then I was able to implement a flexible schedule with my other kiddos to reduce the stress as much as possible.

It has now been over 8 weeks and I am thrilled to say that I have not experienced the depression like I had previously. Sure, I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed. And moments of bawling my eyes out. But then the moment passes and I continue to love my kiddos and love being a mom. So here is my encouragement to you.

Tips

Know when to say “no”: If someone wants to come visit, but you know that it is not the best thing for your family, it is okay to say no. Say it in a nice way, but make your boundaries known.

Know when to say “yes”: If you are about to go bonkers because you are with people under 3 feet tall all day, then invite a trusted friend over. Someone that won’t care that you are still in your pajamas and will hopefully bring you dinner.

Do something every day to feel normal: Maybe it’s simply to take a long hot shower and let someone else keep an eye on the baby. Think of it as mini spa treatment. Or perhaps watch your favorite show before doing that last feeding at night. Or go for a walk. Or continue your hobbies. Do something for yourself.

Be healthy: There are others that can explain the science of this better than I can, but there is definitely a connection between eating healthy food and feeling good. Eat healthy, avoid the junk food and alcohol. Unfortunately these are what our bodies crave when we are stressed.

Avoid unrealistic expectations of yourself: This is the one most women struggle with. When we expect more out of ourselves than is realistic, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and start to meltdown.

Don’t panic: If you are having a bad moment, know that it may just be a moment. Say you’re sorry if you lost your temper, or lean on someone you love if you need to cry. Tomorrow is full of grace.

Final Thought

The most important thing I want you, dear new mom, to remember is that you are not alone. We may have incredible super powers, but we all have our kryptonite as well.

Please, please, please, if you feel like you are struggling with postpartum depression seek help. Contact your midwife or ob/gyn. A great online resource is www.postpartum.net.

photo credit: Mindy Olsen

Check Out My Super Powers

Love, Parent, Stay SaneSeptember 3, 2015

One of the joys of homeschooling is getting to hear all of the quirky thoughts my seven year old has. I have always loved seeing his mind work and listening to way he explains things. When he was 5 years old he asked me, “Mom can you call your mom in heaven?” So sweet. I responded, “No Bud, it doesn’t work that way.” Very innocently he replied, “Oh, is your phone not that smart?” No. No it’s not.

With homeschooling, science is not required at the second grade level, so I let him pick what he wanted to learn about. It was no surprise that he chose animals. The boy is obsessed with Wild Kratts, and these wildlife cards that my hubby had as a child. Several weeks ago the lesson he was learning was about mammals, and what makes a mammal a mammal. You know, stuff like they give birth to live babies instead of eggs, they have fur or hair, they breathe with lungs, they have mammary glands, and are warm-blooded. After going over these mammal facts, my son asks me (you know what’s coming), “What are mammary glands?”

Now let me pause a moment and share with you that my son from the age of 3 has been a “boob man.” It’s true. He’s always been curious about them and noticed them early on. My approach has always been to just be matter-of-fact about it and not make it a big deal. At 3 he pointed to a boob and asked, “What is this?” At 4 he pointed to an undressed manequin in Old Navy and said, “Whoa! Those are some big nipples!” At 5 he asked, “Why don’t all girls have those balls of skin?” At 6 he started to ask, “Why do girls even have breasts?” I must say, I believe in each of those situations I handled myself quite well and maintained my composure while being direct and honest. Lord help me.

So back to the science lesson. I explained to him that it was the mammary glands that allowed mothers to feed their babies. And then I continued to say how incredible it is that can females not only grow a living thing within ourselves (keep in mind that I was 9 months pregnant at the time), but that our bodies are then able to feed the baby as well. He looked at me with awe and said, “That’s like a super power. I wish I had super powers like that.” I love him so much. What an incredible perspective. Yes, I am a woman and I have amazing super powers! I felt so empowered after that conversation with him.

“Yes, I am a woman and I have amazing super powers!”

And it is amazing, isn’t it? That life with a beating heart occurs from these two tiny things that join together. And it grows, with it’s very own blood type and separate DNA. And then, somehow, the mother’s body just knows to get it out at just the right time. And this tiny life that has never breathed air suddenly knows how to breathe. And this little mouth is equipped with a reflex to suck. And it grows and develops. It’s all designed so perfectly.

Perfect.

But it’s not always like that is it? The odds of conceiving are actually really slim. Miscarriage is an all too real risk. Birth defects occur. Complications in delivery happen. Not all babies get the hang of nursing. Children get sick. Families come apart.

But… But in this moment I am thankful and strong. I am thankful for the gift of these super powers. I am thankful for these children. And I will strive to hold them with strong arms and open hands and a loving heart.

What are your super powers?

photo credit: Brandon Morgan

Deciding to Homeschool

Parent, Stay SaneAugust 19, 2015

It’s official, I have decided and have begun to homeschool my oldest child. This decision took me about two years to make and was not taken lightly. I must confess though, the final plunge did happen abruptly. That’s just how I operate. I can over analyze something beyond what is necessary and once I get sick of thinking about it, I just react. I want to share with you my process in making the decision and maybe encourage (or discourage) some of you that are in the process as well.

My history with the concept of homeschooling starts off very negative. I didn’t understand it. Why would anyone, as a parent or child, want to do this? I thought that it was parents over-sheltering their children. And children that didn’t act “normal” socially. Then I met my husband and found out he was home schooled. Now some may say he doesn’t act “normal” but no one would say he’s socially awkward. He is an absolute blast to be around, makes others feel welcomed and comfortable, and has a hilarious sense of humor. So my perception of what a “homeschooler” looked and acted like started to change.

When we were living in Chicago I began to consider it as option because I was not comfortable with the school system there, and we didn’t want to pay for a private education. At this point I started looking into different curriculums and felt excited about the possibility of teaching my son. This ended up being a non-issue however, since we moved to South Carolina right at the start of his Kindergarten year, and the school system here is much more to my liking.

Kindergarten was a good year for my son. The little elementary school near us is small and intimate and was not overwhelming to my son or myself. The school work was not challenging, but that was alright with me because, you know, it’s just kindergarten. First grade I started to feel more frustrated. The work was still not challenging, which meant he was bored, which meant behavior problems. And even when he was trying to be good, the rest of the class was acting up. It got to the point that nearly everyday when I picked him up and asked how his day was he would respond with, “Bad, I got in trouble” or “Bad, Tommy got in trouble” or “Bad, the whole class got in trouble and couldn’t go to recess.” He couldn’t even focus on learning because he was so concerned with getting in trouble. And this whole idea of taking away recess as a punishment really burns me. They are 6 and 7 year olds. If they are acting out, they probably need more recess time, not less.

Homeschooling is incredibly common in the area we now live. I have friends who have been homeschooling for several years. They have been a great resource for me and an encouragement. It’s great to see their children developing into such fantastic people, and that makes the process a bit less intimidating.

What prompted me to finally make the decision was a blog that I came across while looking into ways to discipline with logical consequences. It’s a fantastic blog (notconsumed) written by a single mom of 4 who homeschools. It was such an encouragement and so motivating. The next week I started purchasing the curriculum I am now using.

The final part of this process was giving myself the freedom to stop. I may only do this until winter break. Or maybe for the year. Or maybe for elementary school. Or maybe through middle school. And I may not homeschool my second son. It may not be right for him. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll homeschool all of them (with the help of co-ops) through high school.

Everyone who homeschools their children have their reasons. And whatever their reasons are, then that is right for them and their children. I believe that The Lord has made us parents to our children for a reason, and He gives us the wisdom (if we ask for it) to know the best way to parent.

That being said, these were not my reasons for homeschooling.

Religious: I did not feel the need to homeschool because of religious reasons. Living in the “Bible Belt” his school is actually quite conservative and there is definitely a strong Christian influence. In fact, there was no homework given on Wednesday nights because it’s traditionally a “church night.” Actually, if you are atheist our school would probably be offensive to you. But as a Christian, this was not our issue.

Bad School Environment: I did not decide to homeschool because he was in a bad school environment. There was no bullying. There was no being made fun of. In fact, all these kids are so incredibly sweet and kind. The reason they were always getting into trouble was because they liked each other too much and acted like it was party time every day.

My reasons to homeschool were more of what we would gain.

Character Building: When we are home and my seven year old acts ugly to his brother, I don’t give him a mark on the board or take away recess. We talk about the importance of being kind to others and try to understand better how to love and forgive. When he is acting prideful of himself for doing a good job with reading, I don’t give him a lollipop for doing a good job. We talk about how it’s good to be smart, but that’s not what gives us value in life and that arrogance is not acceptible.

Challenging Education: My son is not gifted, but he is incredibly bright. And school has not thus far been challenging for him. Now we are able to move at whatever pace he is able to go. There is a balance between pushing too hard, and not pushing hard enough. It’s a constant tension that I feel, but I think it’s worth it.

Ability to do More Activities: At this point we are able to get all of the curriculum done in 4 days a week and we are done before noon. I know in years to come the work load will increase, but for now this provides more opportunities to do other things. Piano lessons, art lessons, swim lessons, volunteer opportunities, etc. And we still have more time as a family. Which leads me to my final reason…

Less Stressful Home Life: If I am dealing with too much stress and get overwhelmed, then the whole family suffers. At first I thought I was crazy (as did some other people) that I would consider home schooling with a newborn. But truly, the thought of trying to get the baby up and fed and get my son to school before 8am makes me want to have a panic attack. This way, his schooling works around the family schedule.

Now to be fair about making this decision, I have some things working in my favor. My son is eager to learn, which makes teaching him so much fun. I love seeing his mind work and the expression on his face when he grasps something new. Also, I am naturally a very organized person. Being organized is oddly exhilarating to me. So I have no problem with getting through each day’s work load and keeping track of what we need to do next. And third, I have a very supportive husband who is completely on board and helpful. In fact he’s much better at grammar that I could ever hope to be, and without his proofreading of this post you may be concerned for the outcome of my children.

Homeschooling is absolutely not for everyone, and not for every season of life. I, however, am absolutely excited to begin this new journey with my children!

Living in the Rural South

Stay SaneJuly 16, 2015October 2, 2016

Almost two years ago our family packed up and moved from Chicago to the Upstate of South Carolina. It wasn’t enough to just move to a smaller (much smaller) city. We decided to move to the country. We went from our neighbor’s house being 6 feet away to “where are our neighbors?” (there is a house across the street, but looking out the back there is only trees and mountains). Needless to say, life is much different now. Here are some observations:

Everything is a 30 minute drive, but that’s alright because the only traffic that occurs is if you get stuck behind a tractor.

Or occasionally the driver just out enjoying themselves and the view. You can tell when it’s someone that doesn’t actually live out here because they feel like they need to slow way down for every curve. Nah! You can totally take that curve at 50 MPH!! In Chicago, one time it took me an hour to drive 4 miles.

Even the grocery is 30 minutes away, but that’s alright as well because we can just get our produce and dairy straight from the farm down the road.

And then you get the joy of actually talking to the farmers and/or their family members. Just plan on staying a while to listen to some stories. In Chicago, we loved our local grocery store that was 1/2 mile away, but it would still take us 15 minutes to get there.

Parking is not a concern. If by some chance the parking lot is full, you can just park in the grass.

We went to a local high school football game last fall. There were pick up trucks parked on every free patch of grass. In Chicago, I would sometimes not go places just with the fear of having to find (and pay) for parking.

We are more concerned with bears/coyotes/bobcats/copperheads than burglars.

Sometimes we go hiking behind our house and we have to be very alert for copperheads, and at night we here coyotes. In Chicago, I was once harassed and threatened walking out at night.

We hear gunshots every weekend but don’t even consider needing to call 911.

Seriously, like all weekend long. We’ve contributed to the noise a few times. In Chicago, even in our “safe” neighborhood there were gang shootings.

Having deer/foxes/wild turkeys 10 feet from our back door is a regular occurrence.

One night I had a fox bark at me. Didn’t know they did that. In Chicago, we saw rats.

“Yes” and “no” are followed by “sir” or “ma’am.” And there is no sarcasm involved.

They also talk like this in Kentucky, where I grew up. In Chicago, I would talk like this and taught my son to respond this way. I had someone actually ask where we were from because it obviously wasn’t from there.

We don’t leave small pets outside. A hawk may grab it.

Our dog isn’t that small, but I’ve heard stories of kittens going missing. In Chicago, we had rats.

We don’t mind seeing black snakes. That means free pest control.

One day we saw a black rat snake come out from the crawl space under the house. I was thankful to see it didn’t catch anything. In Chicago, we needed these to take care of the rats.

We’re more afraid of ants than any other insect. Those suckers hurt!

My hubby has unfortunately developed quite an allergy to fire ants. He got bit on his hand and his whole arm swelled up. In Chicago…well, I gotta admit there are not as many mean bugs there.

We’re nice to everybody because you better believe that each person we meet knows someone that knows us. And they will talk.

We learned within our first month here that running into to people that you know is just part of life. It really is a small town. And when you are out at stores and make eye contact with people you actually speak to them. In line at Walmart? You’ll know the life story of the lady behind you. Eating a Chick Fil A? A nice lady will come over and ask about your pregnancy. In Chicago, there are just soooo many people. One time I set out to make Chicago be friendly, you know say “hi” to people on the street. I was exhausted within 10 minutes. It’s just not possible to be friendly with everyone.

I know I’m pretty critical of Chicago, and it’s true that I much prefer the South and the Country. But there are many things that I do miss. I miss being able to walk to a friends house. I miss taking the bus to meet a friend for dinner. I miss that grocery store. I miss my neighbors. I miss our doctors. I miss yard work that only took 30 minutes. But I do not, in any way, miss the rats.

The Couple That Works Together, Stays Together

Love, Stay SaneJuly 8, 2015October 9, 2016

My hubby and I love to do projects. Big or little, there is also something going on. Our problem is actually finishing a project before we start another one. I know not all couples enjoy working together (and honestly maybe shouldn’t), but for us it has definitely strengthened our relationship.

We’ve done little projects, like making a crafty-looking vase for our bathroom.

And major projects, like a complete gut rehab of our second floor.

And then plenty of in-between projects like the bunk beds we made.

As we were working on the bunk beds we were commenting to each other how much we enjoy working together and how blessed we felt. But then several weeks later we were helping a friend with one of her projects (gut bathroom remodel) and it was not the same experience. We were on edge with each other and making snippy remarks. So what was the difference?

Normally…

We are willing to listen to each others ideas and we don’t hesitate to question one another. It’s not taken personal. A lot of times our concerns are not valid, but there have been instances that we have caught one another from making a mistake or have simplified the process or have come up with an idea to make it even better.

We are both willing to be the assistant. Sometimes I take the lead and have him hand me things. Sometimes he takes the lead and I stand there and look pretty (and hold the board steady).

We give each other the freedom to make mistakes. On the bunk bed, there was one board that my hubby cut the wrong length. Too short. Kinda difficult to put that back on. Instead of getting frustrated with him, I assured him that it wasn’t a big deal and that we would just use that one in a different spot and I would go buy an additional board. And then when I miscalculated and bought the wrong length of board for the shelves, he assured me that it wasn’t a big deal and we ended up patching in a piece (that only my older son would ever see).

So, why were we having problem at our friend’s house?

Well…

It started with miscommunication. I thought he needed something, so I left and went to the store to get it, only to come back and he had moved forward without it and looked at me confused when I was telling him that I got what he needed. So the frustration started right off the bat.

Even though it wasn’t my house it very much felt like my project and I was the one giving direction. This particular day though there were other people helping and not room for me to be in there. I know that I have the freedom to tell my hubby if something needs to be done a certain way, not quite so easy to tell others. And unfortunately I felt like this was because I’m a woman and should not be telling men how to do “manly” projects. Now, I’m in NO WAY saying that they behaved in such a way to make me feel that way. I put that on myself, but it made me angry and stirred up all these resentments within myself that I of course blamed my hubby for (and the church, but that is a different topic for a different day).

And then, when there was something that had been done “wrong” I got all upset again and felt justified in my resentments. If I had been in there, this would not have happened. Now to be completely honest, this “wrong” was so utterly minor, it was truly a non-issue. But I was not quick to let it and go and assure him. Instead I felt the need to point it out and complain that it wasn’t done correctly.

Afterwards…

We of course talked about the major cloud of tension that was occupying the space between us. We talked about why I was peeved and what the deeper issue was. Because let’s be honest, so often what gets us all riled up is not even the real problem. So ultimately we walked away having an even greater understanding of the other. Marriage is great.

Final though…

Yes, we enjoy doing projects together, but maybe this doesn’t work for you and your spouse. Maybe for you it’s being able to play together, or have a shared passion or hobby. The key is to have something to share, that is challenging, and results in both of you growing closer to each other.

xoxo

Love My Enemy?

Love, Stay SaneJuly 1, 2015August 9, 2018

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” These are the words of Jesus found in Matthew 5:44. I grew up hearing, and being taught these words. They’ve always sounded good, something that all people should strive for, but not something that was ever put into daily practice. Perhaps it should have been.

A couple weeks ago a tragedy occurred that perfectly demonstrated what this means. After the shootings in Charleston, SC there were no riots in response to the evil that occurred. Instead, people came together and loved each other. I believe this is mainly due to how the family of the victims responded to the young man that forever changed their lives. They forgave him. They showed love to him.

I came across the story of a teen that, back in 1996, was willing to sacrifice herself to stop a mob beating of a man they believed to be a part of the KKK. Instead of joining in, or even standing by, she protected him. She showed love to him.

But what is LOVE? And who is our ENEMY? And what does this look like day to day?

Love defined:

attraction based on sexual desire
strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

The bible describes love as:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

There is a problem with “love” though, because it means something different to different people at different times and it can only be understood in certain ways within certain relationships. I’m not going to show love to a jerk at the grocery store the same way I need to show love to my three year old (who can also act like a jerk). And I’m not going to show love to the friend I just made the same way I show love to my hubby (that would be awkward).

In the case of the Charleston shootings, the families showed love by forgiving. The teen showed love by sacrificing. As a mother (especially those first couple of months) love is given with nothing in return. In a relationship with a spouse, it’s not uncommon to show love by being confrontational with a truth that they don’t want to hear. And sometimes (like with strangers and social media) we can show love by simply keeping our mouths shut.

This is where it gets even stickier. In a society where our closest “friend” is Facebook, we feel like we need to be honest and confrontational with “truth” claiming it is with the desire to show “love” (the definition of truth is a whole different topic). But that’s kinda like being confronted with how to parent your children by the clerk at Target. This actually happened to me, and you know what? It TICKED ME OFF!!! And now I avoid her line at all cost. So don’t be surprised if people start avoiding you because you are “lovingly” telling them that they are wrong.

Next question is, just who is our ENEMY?

Is it an abuser? A religious leader or organization? Rednecks? Conservatives? Liberals? The clerk at Target?

Back to the dictionary:

someone who hates another
someone who attacks or tries to harm another
something that harms or threaten someone or something
a group of people (such as a nation) against whom another group is fighting a war

To “love your enemy” does not mean that you agree with or condone the act that is offensive. It may mean that you have to forgive them (and possibly sever ties with them), or put aside your own wishes and sacrifice for them. Perhaps it means you confront them, or maybe you simply need to bite your tongue and not say anything.

But one thing that is perfectly clear, we must pray for them. Pray more than you speak. Or type.

Making Room for a Growing Family

Parent, Save, Stay SaneJune 12, 2015June 17, 2015

With our family (and my belly) growing, we needed to make some extra room for all these kiddos to be able to sleep and still have room to play. There is no better way to do this than with bunk beds! And nothing more fun! So we started looking around to see what our options were. Good Grief!!! They either felt like they were going to fall over, or I would have to sell my left kidney in order to afford it. Solution? Make it ourselves! I looked around for months on Pinterest to get ideas. Finally taking several features that I liked and compiling them to come up with our own plans. I’m quite proud of the result and am more than happy to share with you. At the end of this post I will give a list of supplies needed, but I’ll just go ahead and tell you the cost (because I can’t keep a secret when I’m excited). Grand total (including hardware, but not paint) was $219.30 (without tax). Isn’t that incredible?!?!? Bunk beds like this to be built would be about thousand bucks, no lie. And ours even have secret compartments.

First thing, if you have a ceiling fan, it’s gotta go. We don’t want any kiddos getting knocked in the head in the middle of the night.

This is the head board. It consists of:

2-2 x 10 x 8 ft boards (our ceilings are 9 ft, so we didn’t need to cut these)
5-2 x 6 boards cut to 38 inches
2-boards cut from plywood 9 inches x 38 inches
1-4 x 8 white hardboard cut to 38 inches x 88 inches

Here you can see the back of the headboard.

This is looking into what will be one of the hidden compartments.

This is the foot board. It consists of:

2-2 x 6 x 8 ft boards
3-2 x 6 boards cut to 41 inches

These are the side rails that will hold the mattresses. They consist of:

4-2 x 6 board cut to 85.75 inches
4-2 x 2 x 6 ft (these are what hold the platform for the mattress, please note that these are NOT centered)

These are the siderails that go at the very top.

2-2 x 6 boards cut to 85.75 inches

Here we have attached the side rails. This is definitely a two (or maybe three) person job. Make sure your rails are level!!

Here is the mattress platform resting on the 2 x 2’s. Please note that we did add 2 x 2’s at the head and foot as an afterthought because it was not sturdy enough.

2-4 x 8 OSB plywood cut to 40.75 x 75 inches, then cut notches at foot .75 x 5.5 inches

These are the bookshelf stairs to climb into the top bunk. It consists of:

1-2 x 12 board cut to 55 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 39.25 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 39.5 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 29.25 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 19 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 8.75 inches
4-2 x 12 boards cut to 11 7/8 inches

Once built, the stairs were attached to the bed with “L” brackets.

We also put bookshelves in the headboard. The bottom shelf was not as deep as to allow room for the hinges to make the hidden compartment. These consist of:

4-1 x 10 boards cut to 38 inches
2-1 x 10 board cut to 38 inches and then ripped to 7 inches

We of course added the all-important safety rail. It consists of:

1-2 x 4 board cut to 85.75
2-2 x 4 boards cut to 15 inches

All wood was purchased from Home Depot.

Extra things we added were the curtains, an LED battery powered touch light, and little fans.

The curtain rods and clips were from Target. The curtains I sewed myself. The inside fabric has a wonderful silver star pattern with a black background, from JoAnn Fabric. The lights (not seen) were from Lowes. The fans from Walmart.

All of the sections were primed and painted before final assembly. I used the same paint that was used on our trim throughout the house. It looks great, and I didn’t have to buy any additional paint.

Aren’t they great (if I do say so myself)!

Here’s the shopping list and price breakdown:

(12) 2 x 6 x 8 @ $5.28
(2) 2 x 10 x 8 @ $7.26
(2) 2 x 4 x 8 @ $2.92
(3) 2 x 2 x 8 @ $1.87
(2) 1 x 10 x 10 @ $22.26
(1) 4 x 8 white hardboard @ $8.98
(2) 4 x 8 OSB plywood @ $7.05
(3) 2 x 12 x 8 @ $8.59
(2) Hinges 2 pack @ $2.97
1 lb screws 3″ $7.94
1 lb screws 2.5″ $9.37
(5) “L” brackets 4 pack @ $2.67

Total: $219.30

Have fun!!

I’m a Failure

Parent, Stay SaneJune 3, 2015August 21, 2016

Life is full of trials and tribulations. We are constantly putting out one fire, only to turn around find another. Just when we think we have found our groove and that we have everything under control, the rug gets pulled out and we realize we never really had control in the first place. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Are you starting to get the point? Are you tired of my analogies yet? Probably, but I know that you know what I’m talking about because we have all experienced this.

Our trials can take many forms. An annoying co-worker, disobedient children, fussy babies, an illness, yet another bill that can’t be paid, a spouse that just doesn’t seem to get you. Whatever it is, all of us are struggling with something. The question is, how do we handle those times when we are being tested?

Here’s what happened…

Earlier in the year my hubby had to go out of town for work. And let me just say, I am super spoiled that this rarely happens. I have a dear friend whose husband travels all the time. I don’t know how she does it, it would make me lose my mind. I depend heavily on my hubby and I don’t mind admitting it. The Lord gives us the grace to handle all of our different situations I suppose. Anyhow…he left town Sunday afternoon. That evening was alright because my dad and step-mom were visiting and I was enjoying my time with them. That night however….

It started with the fact that I had a nasty cough and couldn’t get to sleep until around 12:30. At 3:45 I awoke to the sound of foot steps running down the hall. My older son came barging in telling me that my younger son was throwing up. Wonderful. I hurry and rush to their room to find my 3 year old sitting in a puddle of vomit. But here’s the thing, we had just made bunk beds for the boys and naturally my older son got the top bunk. My younger son is such a snuggle bug, that he would wait for his brother to fall asleep and then crawl into bed with him. So my poor older son was awoken with his little brother throwing up in his bed. And this poor, pregnant mama had to clean up the vomit on a top bunk.

When I got into the room I went in to triage mode. What had to be done first? What was most urgent? First I had to clean it off the floor. Gross. Then I got my son out of the bed, stripped him down, and put him in the bathroom to get cleaned up. Then I got my older son settled on the couch since his bed was ruined for the night. Younger son was settled into his bed. Then the clean up began. Seriously, trying to clean this up on the top bunk while almost 6 months pregnant was no easy task. At 4:15 I made it back to my bed, but not before walking full speed into the corner of the wall. I had a goose-egg and bruise on my forehead for a week. Once in bed, I hear my younger son up again. He wants to hug. And his belly hurts. Let’s go hug in the bathroom. After getting sick again, I went back to bed and prayed that my other son and I would be spared from whatever this was. I could not get sick, especially not with my hubby out of town. Sleep was pointless since I would have to wake up in less than an hour. The next day was sure to be interesting since my folks were going to be leaving and I would be on my own.

It was actually quite comical the amount of things that went wrong the first 24 hours my hubby was gone, but I was quite pleased with myself on how I was handling it. I was calm and compassionate with my boys. I was even able to get everything done that needed plus some.

It was the next day that I blew it. I had an all-out-3-year-old-style temper tantrum. And I knew in that moment that I failed. I failed the test that I was given. And this got me thinking. How could I not have failed? Were there steps or precautions that I could have taken? What about things I could tell myself to stay calm? Absolutely. I recognized that the hour before bedtime was my most challenging time of the day, so I gave myself a count down. I only had to stay calm for another 45 minutes. And I gave the boys a countdown. Ten minutes to clean up, ten minutes to get bathed, 2 minutes to brush teeth, and then read a book. Once I implemented the plan, the rest of the week went smoothly.

What I learned…

I decided that it was alright, maybe even necessary to fail. Without failing, we won’t know what needs to be changed. We won’t learn. We won’t grow. I still believe this to be true, but my lesson in failing wasn’t over. A few weeks later, I failed again. I was then challenged with the thought that I CAN’T pass the test. I will never, ever, ever get it right.

See, I believe there is such a thing as “sin” and wouldn’t you know it, we all suffer from it. The world is consumed with it actually. And even more of a bummer is that I can’t fix it on my own. But see, I also believe there is such a thing as “grace” and thankfully we all can access it. So, the next time I was presented with the test of rising anger while dealing with these selfish, inconsiderate, deceitful creatures (known as my children) I went into a quiet moment and thanked Jesus for the grace that was given to me because he bore my sin of losing my temper. And then I thanked Him for the Holy Spirit that promises to give us a spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. That’s the the mom, wife, and friend that I desire to be. It was then that I was able to go to my children and teach them and correct their behavior and show them love. It was then that I was, yet again, changed by grace.

I’m Being Kicked Out

Parent, Stay SaneMay 25, 2015

For the past 7 and a half years I have had the privilege of being a member of the all so desirable “Boy Mom” club. And I have enjoyed it immensely. Now, come August of this year, I will no longer be a member. Yes, I am having a girl. And to be quite honest I have had some mixed emotions about this. And then guilt for having not all excited emotions. Truly, I think most people have been more excited about me having a girl than I have been about having a girl.

The most appreciated comment I received came from a mom that had three boys, and then a girl. She told me that she cried when she found out. She absolutely, positively did not want a girl. I so appreciated her honesty, because I was feeling quite cruddy that I wasn’t excited. She then went on to share how much her life has been blessed by having her daughter. Honesty and encouragement. Doesn’t get any better.

So, being the ever analytical person that I am, I began to wonder what my problem was. Why was I dreading this? Why wasn’t I excited? What was I afraid of?

Sure, there is the obvious answer of, I’m just use to having boys. I understand that the fascination of their penis begins at the infant stage. I expect them to wrestle until someone cries on a daily basis. It’s nice that they don’t care if their clothes match. And that the best toys are a pile of dirt and a stick. But it went deeper than that.

There is the fact that I am a girl and know the difficulties of growing up being a girl. Obvious, I know, but it was hard at times, and now I’m going to have to go through all of that again with her. And that just doesn’t sound like fun to me. But I survived, and so shall she.

On a selfish note, I like being the only girl. The queen if you will. And I feel a bit like my territory is being invaded. That’s not a pleasant admission. That’s an outright selfish, sinful, Lord-please-forgive-me admission. So after that was dealt with, I still was feeling a bit hesitant to be excited.

The final thing I had to deal with was my insecurities as a parent. See, with boys I feel like I can pass a lot of the responsibilities on to my hubby. He’s a boy too, after all. And I think my hubby is pretty stinkin’ great. So logically, my boys will turn out great too. But a girl?!?!? Holy crap!! That’s too much pressure! I’m definitely going to screw her up, I just know it! And that terrifies the crap out of me! Oh, but wait. God knows me and He knows my daughter in my womb. And He knew that I was the one to be the mother to her.

Oh Lord, help me to be the mother You want me to be!