Expect Nothing, Gain Everything

Love, Parent, Stay SaneJanuary 31, 2016

My husband had (at least) two expectations that were not met when we got married. He thought I was going to make sweet tea everyday. And he thought we would fall asleep snuggling at night. He was disappointed.

Having expectations is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s kind of like having a goal. It’s something to work for and strive to attain. Without goals we would become complacent and stagnate. Some expectations, however, can rob us of enjoying what we have, and who we are with. It can discourage our souls and cause relationships to crumble. Let’s look at three areas expectations can cause disappointment…

Expectations of Others

Problems arise when:

The expectations are not communicated
The expectations are unrealistic

Spouse:

As a woman I possess the power to read my husband’s mind and completely understand what he is needing at any given moment. Or, maybe not. So why do I expect him to read mine? Why do I expect him to know that I need something done around the house if I haven’t asked him to do it? Why do I expect him to know that I am struggling with fear if I don’t share with him?

There have been many times when he has “read my mind” and did exactly what I was hoping he would do. If I would remove my expectations, then instead of feeling frustrated when they are not met, I would feel cared for when they were. I don’t want my spouse to meet my expectations due to the fear of what will happen if he doesn’t. Rather I want him to meet them so that it will bless me when he does.

I also ~~have learned~~ am learning that I cannot expect my husband to be someone that he was not created to be. He is calm, level-headed, and steady (and praise the Lord that he is). I, on the other hand, am not. So when I am getting worked up about something and getting frustrated with him that he is not getting worked up, I am not being fair. I am expecting him to suddenly be a different person (but seriously, isn’t that so maddening when you’re upset about something and the other person just sits there so calm!).

Children:

For some reason I feel like my nearly 8 year old and 4 year old should have their acts together by now. Logically I know this is ridiculous, but my frustrations would show otherwise. I feel like I should only have to tell them one time to stop rubbing their hands on the wall, or to wash their hands before eating, or to give the dog food AND water, or pick up toys before bed, or… If it is unrealistic to expect my husband to know what I want, how can I expect this from my children. Of course, I don’t have to tell my husband to wash his hands, but for now I do need to tell my 4 year old. My 4 year old: I have to Tell. Him. Everything. He’s four. My 8 year old, I give hints. “What do you need to do before bed…?” And give him a chance to realize he needs to put his 4 million Lego’s away.

I’m still learning who my children are. I’m learning that my oldest may be super competitive with his brother, but not with friends. I want him to be competitive with sports, because he has the talent and that’s “what you’re suppose to do.” We keep putting him in sports and I keep getting frustrated that he is not aggressive enough. I’ve had a lightbulb moment. I’m trying to make him be someone he is not. And the thing is, I like who he is. He is sweet, and compassionate, and friendly.

Expectations of Ourselves

Problems arise when:

We are expecting ourselves to be someone we are not
We are expecting to achieve something unrealistic, and/or in an unrealistic time frame

I love to have dance parties. At home. With my children. I have always loved dancing. I have always danced badly. Thankfully, ever since college, this has not bothered me and I have accepted that I can’t dance and it doesn’t stop me from still enjoying myself. But when I was in middle school this was heartbreaking. I tried out for the dance team. Twice. Got cut on the the first go round. Twice. This is alright, I’m not scarred. But I did have to learn and accept the fact that this knobby knee’d girl looks awkward even doing the electric slide. After accepting this I was able to find a new love, running. And I still love it.

It’s also harmful to expect too much from ourselves within certain time restraints. I was naturally a good runner, but when it came to competing I expected too much too soon. My first race was 1500M (just shy of a mile) on in indoor track. I actually envisioned myself winning. Ended up I got lapped. I was expecting too much (and maybe a tad unrealistic) too soon.

After years of training I ended up running at a fairly competitive level. But I never “won gold.” And I was ok with that. There is ALWAYS somebody faster, smarter, wealthier. The most we can expect is our best. As long as we are doing that, we are good.

Expectations of Situations

Problems arise when:

We try to control outcomes
We depend on those outcomes

So many things are out of my control: taxes, weather, jobs, other people. And if I try to control those things I will end up living a life that leaves me feeling completely disappointed. There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed when bad things happen. But ideally we don’t stay in that place, and instead use it as an opportunity.

My husband and I were married 15 years ago on a Friday. It just happened to be the 13th. As the ceremony was about to begin, I could hear people whispering around me in the room I was waiting in. Stress was rising. My sister-in-law came to me and said, “Remember what I said earlier about today being just a ceremony and that it’s your marriage that matters? And that there is bound to be something that will go wrong? Well, your florist thought the wedding was tomorrow. You have no flowers.” So I walked down the aisle holding tight to my dad with both arms. I rocked the no-flowers thing. People thought we did it on purpose.

It’s fine to plan and prepare, but then let go and remember what the main purpose is.

To Sum It Up…

Life would be more peaceful if we could live without unrealistic expectations. Even so, do expect to have expectations and remember it’s alright to “mess up.” That’s why we get to start over the next day.

Want some marital advice? Expect nothing.

Want some parenting advice? Expect nothing.

Want some how-to-enjoy-life-more advice? Expect nothing.

Expect nothing, and gain everything.

xoxo

Happy Helpers

Parent, Stay SaneJanuary 24, 2016February 7, 2016

Most of the time my boys are happy to help. They feel important and needed. And this is good, since they are important and needed. But notice that I said most, not all of the time. Sometimes they gripe and complain and act like I’m asking them to go chop down trees to build a log cabin. And sometimes they are just simply clueless.

When it comes to day to day events to encourage helping others, we talk through different scenarios. I prepare them ahead of time that I will need them to hold the door open for me. And when they do, I praise them for being such kind gentlemen. And if we see someone in the parking lot or store that drops something I tell them to go and help. And this is great because they will get praise from someone other than me.

However, I have by no means accomplished the day to day training. Or the chore training either, for that matter. But I do believe we are on the right track.

The Chore Chart

When my oldest son was five we started paying him a little to do some chores. It didn’t take long for me to lose track of this. It was sporadic, and inevitably I would be out of change and try to remember to pay him later. Which I wouldn’t. I can’t remember stuff like that. I was losing the opportunity to reward him for the work he was doing. I knew I was going to need to use a chart. I saw some ideas that I liked, and then tweaked them to make it work for us.

On the left is a line for each child with a pool of chores and that may possibly need to be done. On each of these is the amount that will be paid for the chore. At the start of each week I put what needs to be done in the “To Do” column. Once the task has been done it is moved to “Completed.” It stays here until I pay them. That way I do not forget. Then it gets moved back to the pool. The chart is kept in the laundry room (as you can see in the reflection). This is a highly trafficked area and it is at their eye level.

Supplies needed:

Magnetic board (I bought mine at IKEA for $12.99)
Washi tape
Magnets with adhesive backing
Foam sheets
Permanent marker

Notes

Family contribution chores (dishes, making the bed, picking up toys, feeding the dog) are expected to be done without payment. These are simply just contributing as a member of the family.

I give them until Wednesday to do the paid chores without being told. If they do this, they get paid double. If I tell them to do the chore, on Wednesday, they get paid stated amount. If they complain while completing chores, they work for free. If they refuse (this has not yet happened), then they pay me to do their chores.

This teaches them that sometimes you work to just help. It encourages them to work by their own initiative without being told. And it shows them that laziness will cost you money and affect others.

Hope is a Beautiful Thing

Love, Parent, Stay SaneDecember 14, 2015December 9, 2016

“Santa, Santa! Do your reindeer really fly!!” This was coming from my 4 year old as he anxiously awaited to see Ol’ Saint Nick.

“But how?” And, “How old are you?” This from my almost 8 year old. He has also written Santa a letter. Complete with the address of “The North Poll.”

I am dreading the moment when he finds out this whole Santa thing is a sham. My hubby and I discussed that maybe we should tell him. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to. I’ve already shattered the Tooth Fairy lie, and that was traumatic enough (click the link if you want a good laugh).

My sister also advised against it. She told her oldest son, now 18 years old, when he was the same age as my son now. She told me that it was a bad mommy moment and she would give anything to take it back. The look on his face broke her heart.

I almost blew it. He was asking me questions about Saint Nicholas. The real one. So I thought I would get a book from the library. Brilliant thinking, right? Nope. Thankfully I told him that he was not allowed to read it without me because I wanted to read it too. I quickly had to stop reading it to him. It flat out said, “We all remember when we found out Santa Claus wasn’t real…” Yikes! I barely dodged that bullet. Or did I? Was he reading ahead while he was sitting next to me?

Since then he seems to be asking more questions. Trying to figure it out. Trying to catch Santa in a lie. Going all out to either make himself believe or to see if we will stop him.

It’s good to believe in something and to believe that Someone is looking out for us. We need to live with a hope and an expectation that something wonderful is going to happen. We long to have our wishes granted. We look forward to life being simpler. We want good things to happen to good people. We want gifts to be given with nothing expected in return. It’s called hope.

Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I hope for a world where there are no wars, no refugees, no murder. I hope for peace, and love, and kindness.

Sometimes I simply hope to have hope.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

My hope is not in politicians. It is not in laws. Not even in non-profit organizations. My hope is in heaven with the real Saint Nicholas. My hope is in The Lord.

Hope is a beautiful thing.

Do your children still believe in Santa Claus? How did they find out he wasn’t really the one leaving gifts? What are you hoping for?

You Are Loved, Fiercely

Parent, Stay SaneDecember 8, 2015December 11, 2015

Numerous times I have been speaking to my boys and I “feel” a tap on my shoulder. I know what I said to them was actually the Lord speaking to me. He is the perfect parent, so it makes sense that He would use our parenting to instruct us as well.

Examples

“You are expecting it to do something it was not made to do.”

To my children: Several years ago I said this to my oldest child when he was getting frustrated with a toy.

To me: The Lord was telling me that I had been expecting more out of my child than he was able to do at that time. I still hear this. Now it is in the context that I am expecting my children to be someone other than who they were created to be.

“You can trust what I say. Because I love you, I will keep my word.”

To my children: This was just this past week. My 4 year old was throwing a fit (again) and I told him there would be a consequence if he didn’t stop. He stopped for a while, but then decided to test me. So I had to follow through. Which resulted in lots of crying and then lots of hugs.

To me: Whether or not it is what I want to hear, I know I can trust the Lord. Because He loves me, He will keep His Word.

“Doing your best is all that matters.”

To my children: Both of my boys get frustrated with themselves when they make mistakes and want to give up when learning something new.

To me: Often my own best doesn’t feel good enough. I think I need to be more and do more. Thankfully this is not truth.

“There is nothing you can do or not do that will make me love you more or love you less. I love you fiercely.”

To my children: My oldest was upset he didn’t pass the swim test, and was scared to try again. He actually asked me what I would do to him if he didn’t pass. Gasp. My heart broke.

To me: I struggle with trying to impress others to gain approval. Thankfully there is nothing I can do to change how much the Lord loves me. This is a beautiful thing.

“I am not disappointed in you, I am disappointed for you.”

To my children: This was also after he didn’t pass the swim test. I was still trying to confirm that it was alright. He absolutely had the skill and ability to pass the test, but it had become a mental battle for him. I wanted him to experience the confidence and satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something he had been working so hard to achieve.

To me: When I mess up (said something rude, lost my temper, been critical, etc.) I feel so ashamed and want to beat myself up for it. The Lord was gently whispering in my ear that I am not a disappointment. But I have done some disappointing things.

“Don’t make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. That’s called being dramatic.”

To my children and me: Umm, yeah. Pretty much my entire life right here.

“Don’t get frustrated. Just try again.”

To my children: My four year old gets frustrated so easily. He tries to draw the letter “A” and starts crying because the lines are crooked. It takes a lot of encouraging from the whole family to get him through it.

To me: I do this too. I love starting things, but get discouraged when it doesn’t come easily to me. So I usually end up starting and then stopping. And then starting and then stopping. And then… Thankfully I am also surrounded by encouraging people that help me through these times.

Final Thought

As you are in the day to day grind be aware of the moments the Lord is using your own voice to teach you.

There is one more I want to share with you. This was not from me, but what a friend said to her daughter. It was a punch in my gut, and something I desperately needed to hear.

“You are beautiful just the way you are.”

Oh dear mommas, please hear this, “You are beautiful just the way you are!”

xoxo

How Do You Do Calm?

Parent, Stay SaneNovember 5, 2015November 11, 2015

In the past week I have had two different people ask me why I started this blog. The answer: a Target commercial. That and a good friend telling me I should.

In this Target commercial there was a woman that woke up early and went to the gym, got her kids off to school, looked beautiful going into work, came home and cooked dinner, and then spent the evening playing with her children. It ticked me off! I was so angry at this commercial for putting so much pressure on women to have it all together. I may be able to accomplish some of those things, but I probably won’t be smiling at the end of the day.

Perhaps you can relate to this feeling of being overwhelmed trying to fit a mold of what you think you should be. God has designed each of us mommas to be the best momma for our children. We don’t have our friends’ children, therefore we do not need to do things just like our friends. Or even what we think our friends/actresses on a commercial may be doing.

Several years ago when I was working as a dental hygienist I had a patient tell me, “I bet you are such a good mom. You are so calm and patient.”

Hahahahahahahaha!! I’m still laughing about that one. No one who knows me well has ever called me “calm.”

But I have tried to pay attention to what things stress me, and what things stress me more (not a typo-all things have a certain degree of stress). And I choose, as best I can, to take the calmer path.

After having my third child I felt like I needed to try the baby wearing thing. Little girl was being quite fussy and I had a couple people suggest doing that. Absolutely no pressure from them. They were being helpful by providing suggestions and I appreciate that. It was worth a shot. But I completely hated it! I was more stressed, which caused her to be more stressed. You know what calmed us both down? I put her in the crib and closed the door. She would fuss for about 30 seconds and then go to sleep. And now, whenever she’s getting fussy while being held, I lay her on the floor. Immediately she is happy and cooing. The girl needs her space, just like her momma!

Mommas, Listen Up!!

You gotta do whatever your calm is! Our children need us calm, not frazzled.

Does it stress you to be tied to a schedule? Then wing it!

Does it stress you to not have a plan? Then schedule your day!

Does it stress you to dust/sweep/put away laundry? Then let it go for the next 5 years!

Does it stress you to have dust/dirty floors/clothes unfolded? Then go clean while your kids watch Wild Kratz!

Does it stress you to be home all day? Then pack up the kids and hit the town!

Does it stress you to have to pack up the kids? Then stay home!

Final Thought

The only thing that is non-negotiable is that we MUST MUST MUST love our children. And I think we have that part covered.

How Do We End the Judgement?

Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 21, 2015January 29, 2016

We have all been there. We have been the one standing alone while others made snide comments and pointed and laughed (although it may just have been in our minds). And we have also been the one commenting and pointing and laughing (even if it has just been in our minds). Nobody wins. Everybody feels cruddy after the fact.

Here’s What Happened

I found myself in this situation a couple weeks ago while my sons were at swim lessons. There is this one 5 year old boy in my younger son’s class that is, how shall I say….,very active. Now, I am no stranger to active little boys. I have boys, my friends have boys, I’m married to a man that used to be a boy. So I was not concerned with his activeness. I was concerned with how little regard this boy had for authority. Completely ignoring his mother, the teacher, and the lifeguard. This is scary to me because, hello! These are kids in water! The first couple weeks I was unconcerned, no judgement, just observation.

But then, a couple weeks ago, I crossed the line into judgement. The mom had told her son for the 14th time to put something away. Instead of obeying he threw a temper tantrum. And then… she gave in and handed it back to him. I’m so thankful that the pool area is loud and echo-y because a comment actually slipped out of my mouth. But then I felt cruddy. (And if by some bizarre chance this dear mom is reading this, please know that I did feel cruddy and I am sorry.)

Now, am I wrong to think that she could have handled that differently? I don’t think so. But I was wrong to point (in my mind) and make a snide comment (in actuality). I don’t know this lady. I don’t know what her marriage is like, or if she is even married. I don’t know what she deals with on a daily basis with her son. I do know that she was frustrated and probably could have used some encouragement.

At that moment I was not in the frame of mind to actually encourage her. But I did think of a dear friend that I know feels overwhelmed at times when dealing with her son. So I texted her a simple message of “I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.”

So What Do You Think?

Is it judgement just to disagree with someone? Their parenting style, their health choices, the way they communicate. In our culture right now we are so concerned with not offending people that we are more afraid than ever to disagree, but have never been more judgemental. Maybe if we learn to understand people, and/or assume the best of them, we can get beyond ourselves and leave the judging thing to The Lord. He’s the only one that truly knows our hearts anyways, right?

So then, how do we encourage those around us? Whether it is someone we love, or a stranger, we can all use a bit of encouragement. And isn’t it true that the areas we need the most encouragement are the areas we are weakest in. Which means these areas are the most vulnerable to being “judged” because we are not doing them as well as we would like.

Perhaps we need to encourage “in faith.” In faith, I want my son to be a hard worker; so I praise him for being a hard worker. Our children will be what we tell them they are. So isn’t this true for others. If you want someone to be a good mom and for them to feel that they are, then tell them they are.

And finally, isn’t this true for ourselves. Don’t we deserve to encourage our own souls?

Stop judging others, and stop judging yourself. In faith, encourage the area that is weakest.

xoxo

6 Tips For Surviving Postpartum

Be Healthy, Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 14, 2015

After giving birth, some new moms automatically adjust well. They love their baby and they love being a mom. But there are some new moms that have a more difficult time adjusting. And often, they don’t know how to talk about it.

My baby girl is now 2 months old, and I gotta say, life is pretty great. I don’t even want to tell you how great because I will sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not really bragging, I’m just excited. And happy. And rested.

And it is alright for me to feel this way, I was nervous that I wouldn’t. Why? Because with my first two children it was rough those first couple of months. It was those first couple of months that no one warned me about. Oh sure, I knew I would be tired, that’s understood. But the emotional swings that I experienced caught me off guard. It wasn’t until my first born was older that I realized it was postpartum depression. I was prepared for it with the second, and considered not having a third child because of it.

Since I was not prepared to experience this with my first, I am pretty open with other people about it. If I have any sort of relationship with a woman that is expecting, we will be having a conversation at some point that begins with, “Just so you know I had my nervous breakdown when he was 5 weeks old…” I hope (oh Lord, do I hope) that whoever I am speaking with doesn’t end up needing my advice, but just in case she does, I want her to know that she is not alone and should not feel ashamed.

Before I continue, let me give my disclaimer here. This is simply my story, my experience, and my life. There are things that I tried that helped and things that didn’t. I am not a physician, or psychologist, or counselor. If you are dealing with postpartum depression I am simply here to provide encouragement, and part of that encouragement will be to seek professional help.

My Story

Like I said previously, I had a “nervous breakdown” when my firstborn was 5 weeks old. Honestly, I’m being dramatic. A true nervous breakdown is no laughing matter. Mine was more of a meltdown. Trouble, though, started before that episode. I should have known something was not right when he was 3 weeks old. It was the middle of the night, I had just finished feeding him and he wouldn’t stop crying. He was not one of those sleepy babies that you could feed and put right back to bed. I was trying to calm him, soothe him, take care of him all on my own because that’s what mom’s are suppose to do, right? I’m just suppose to automatically think he’s the best thing ever and gush and never complain, right? Well to be honest, I didn’t feel that way. It turned out I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him. And so that night while I was holding him and he was crying and I was crying, I started screaming. My hubby ran into the nursery to me screaming, “Take him, just take him!!” Because I was about 3 seconds away from shaking him. Isn’t that awful? Even now, over 7 years later I feel awful for feeling that way. And I realized in that moment why people shake their babies, and I understood the desperation, and I lost any judgement that I had felt towards them. After that my hubby and I came to an understanding. I would feed him (had to, I was nursing) and try to put him back to sleep. If he didn’t go to sleep, then it was his turn. The key was, I had to ask for help. He wasn’t expecting me to do it all on my own. I was.

A couple weeks later I was not much better. I had called my mother-in-law for encouragement and support and would have received it if only she had been home (this was back in the day when people still used their home phones as their primary number). Instead, her mother answered the phone. I know she meant well, and in her mind she probably thought she was giving good advice. But it wasn’t. It was maybe good advice for a woman living in the 1950’s, but not for current times. She made the comment, “Well, I sure hope Jeremy (hubby) isn’t having to get up at night since he has to go to work.” Here’s the thing, when my son was born we still had the coffee shop. There is no maternity leave when you own your own business. The second day home from the hospital I was having to do payroll. I told her that I was working too, and she simply responded with “Well, maybe you are doing too much.” No, duh!! But that was not the way I wanted to hear it, so I started crying. And didn’t stop. For a long time.

Fast forward three and a half years to the birth of my second son. Once again, around the 3 week mark I lose it. But this time when I felt overwhelmed I didn’t just cry, I got angry. And once I again I felt myself losing control and screaming for help. This time I called my midwife right away. I knew better. They put me on a low dose of an anti-depressant. It did seem to help some, but honestly I just felt numb. Numb to my children, and numb to my husband. It was miserable. So I weaned myself off the drug and went to talk to a psychologist instead. The problem was, the one they referred me to was younger than me, not married, no children. I’m sure she was/is a great psychologist, but I needed someone that could actually understand what I was dealing with. So I quit that as well. I started exercising. The gym became my therapy sessions. And this seemed to work for me. I had a release valve for all my stress and anxiety. I did end up a few months later, once I was done nursing, going on a different med and finding a different therapist (she was in her 60’s and a grandmother and was incredible).

As I was expecting to have my third baby, I started thinking through ways to prevent going through this again if at all possible. Some things I was ahead of the game on already. Life is much less stressful now. No coffee shop to run, financially stable, better weather. I also had started reading about probiotics while pregnant. Some studies have shown that it can actually reduce postpartum depression. Score! I also exercised throughout my entire pregnancy and ate healthier than I had been previously. I made and froze meals so I wouldn’t have to deal with that once the baby was born. I limited the amount of help that was offered, kindly asking family and friends to hold off on visiting. My hubby was home the first week, worked from home the second, and helped me get going in the morning the third week. By then I was able to implement a flexible schedule with my other kiddos to reduce the stress as much as possible.

It has now been over 8 weeks and I am thrilled to say that I have not experienced the depression like I had previously. Sure, I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed. And moments of bawling my eyes out. But then the moment passes and I continue to love my kiddos and love being a mom. So here is my encouragement to you.

Tips

Know when to say “no”: If someone wants to come visit, but you know that it is not the best thing for your family, it is okay to say no. Say it in a nice way, but make your boundaries known.

Know when to say “yes”: If you are about to go bonkers because you are with people under 3 feet tall all day, then invite a trusted friend over. Someone that won’t care that you are still in your pajamas and will hopefully bring you dinner.

Do something every day to feel normal: Maybe it’s simply to take a long hot shower and let someone else keep an eye on the baby. Think of it as mini spa treatment. Or perhaps watch your favorite show before doing that last feeding at night. Or go for a walk. Or continue your hobbies. Do something for yourself.

Be healthy: There are others that can explain the science of this better than I can, but there is definitely a connection between eating healthy food and feeling good. Eat healthy, avoid the junk food and alcohol. Unfortunately these are what our bodies crave when we are stressed.

Avoid unrealistic expectations of yourself: This is the one most women struggle with. When we expect more out of ourselves than is realistic, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and start to meltdown.

Don’t panic: If you are having a bad moment, know that it may just be a moment. Say you’re sorry if you lost your temper, or lean on someone you love if you need to cry. Tomorrow is full of grace.

Final Thought

The most important thing I want you, dear new mom, to remember is that you are not alone. We may have incredible super powers, but we all have our kryptonite as well.

Please, please, please, if you feel like you are struggling with postpartum depression seek help. Contact your midwife or ob/gyn. A great online resource is www.postpartum.net.

photo credit: Mindy Olsen

Check Out My Super Powers

Love, Parent, Stay SaneSeptember 3, 2015

One of the joys of homeschooling is getting to hear all of the quirky thoughts my seven year old has. I have always loved seeing his mind work and listening to way he explains things. When he was 5 years old he asked me, “Mom can you call your mom in heaven?” So sweet. I responded, “No Bud, it doesn’t work that way.” Very innocently he replied, “Oh, is your phone not that smart?” No. No it’s not.

With homeschooling, science is not required at the second grade level, so I let him pick what he wanted to learn about. It was no surprise that he chose animals. The boy is obsessed with Wild Kratts, and these wildlife cards that my hubby had as a child. Several weeks ago the lesson he was learning was about mammals, and what makes a mammal a mammal. You know, stuff like they give birth to live babies instead of eggs, they have fur or hair, they breathe with lungs, they have mammary glands, and are warm-blooded. After going over these mammal facts, my son asks me (you know what’s coming), “What are mammary glands?”

Now let me pause a moment and share with you that my son from the age of 3 has been a “boob man.” It’s true. He’s always been curious about them and noticed them early on. My approach has always been to just be matter-of-fact about it and not make it a big deal. At 3 he pointed to a boob and asked, “What is this?” At 4 he pointed to an undressed manequin in Old Navy and said, “Whoa! Those are some big nipples!” At 5 he asked, “Why don’t all girls have those balls of skin?” At 6 he started to ask, “Why do girls even have breasts?” I must say, I believe in each of those situations I handled myself quite well and maintained my composure while being direct and honest. Lord help me.

So back to the science lesson. I explained to him that it was the mammary glands that allowed mothers to feed their babies. And then I continued to say how incredible it is that can females not only grow a living thing within ourselves (keep in mind that I was 9 months pregnant at the time), but that our bodies are then able to feed the baby as well. He looked at me with awe and said, “That’s like a super power. I wish I had super powers like that.” I love him so much. What an incredible perspective. Yes, I am a woman and I have amazing super powers! I felt so empowered after that conversation with him.

“Yes, I am a woman and I have amazing super powers!”

And it is amazing, isn’t it? That life with a beating heart occurs from these two tiny things that join together. And it grows, with it’s very own blood type and separate DNA. And then, somehow, the mother’s body just knows to get it out at just the right time. And this tiny life that has never breathed air suddenly knows how to breathe. And this little mouth is equipped with a reflex to suck. And it grows and develops. It’s all designed so perfectly.

Perfect.

But it’s not always like that is it? The odds of conceiving are actually really slim. Miscarriage is an all too real risk. Birth defects occur. Complications in delivery happen. Not all babies get the hang of nursing. Children get sick. Families come apart.

But… But in this moment I am thankful and strong. I am thankful for the gift of these super powers. I am thankful for these children. And I will strive to hold them with strong arms and open hands and a loving heart.

What are your super powers?

photo credit: Brandon Morgan

Deciding to Homeschool

Parent, Stay SaneAugust 19, 2015

It’s official, I have decided and have begun to homeschool my oldest child. This decision took me about two years to make and was not taken lightly. I must confess though, the final plunge did happen abruptly. That’s just how I operate. I can over analyze something beyond what is necessary and once I get sick of thinking about it, I just react. I want to share with you my process in making the decision and maybe encourage (or discourage) some of you that are in the process as well.

My history with the concept of homeschooling starts off very negative. I didn’t understand it. Why would anyone, as a parent or child, want to do this? I thought that it was parents over-sheltering their children. And children that didn’t act “normal” socially. Then I met my husband and found out he was home schooled. Now some may say he doesn’t act “normal” but no one would say he’s socially awkward. He is an absolute blast to be around, makes others feel welcomed and comfortable, and has a hilarious sense of humor. So my perception of what a “homeschooler” looked and acted like started to change.

When we were living in Chicago I began to consider it as option because I was not comfortable with the school system there, and we didn’t want to pay for a private education. At this point I started looking into different curriculums and felt excited about the possibility of teaching my son. This ended up being a non-issue however, since we moved to South Carolina right at the start of his Kindergarten year, and the school system here is much more to my liking.

Kindergarten was a good year for my son. The little elementary school near us is small and intimate and was not overwhelming to my son or myself. The school work was not challenging, but that was alright with me because, you know, it’s just kindergarten. First grade I started to feel more frustrated. The work was still not challenging, which meant he was bored, which meant behavior problems. And even when he was trying to be good, the rest of the class was acting up. It got to the point that nearly everyday when I picked him up and asked how his day was he would respond with, “Bad, I got in trouble” or “Bad, Tommy got in trouble” or “Bad, the whole class got in trouble and couldn’t go to recess.” He couldn’t even focus on learning because he was so concerned with getting in trouble. And this whole idea of taking away recess as a punishment really burns me. They are 6 and 7 year olds. If they are acting out, they probably need more recess time, not less.

Homeschooling is incredibly common in the area we now live. I have friends who have been homeschooling for several years. They have been a great resource for me and an encouragement. It’s great to see their children developing into such fantastic people, and that makes the process a bit less intimidating.

What prompted me to finally make the decision was a blog that I came across while looking into ways to discipline with logical consequences. It’s a fantastic blog (notconsumed) written by a single mom of 4 who homeschools. It was such an encouragement and so motivating. The next week I started purchasing the curriculum I am now using.

The final part of this process was giving myself the freedom to stop. I may only do this until winter break. Or maybe for the year. Or maybe for elementary school. Or maybe through middle school. And I may not homeschool my second son. It may not be right for him. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll homeschool all of them (with the help of co-ops) through high school.

Everyone who homeschools their children have their reasons. And whatever their reasons are, then that is right for them and their children. I believe that The Lord has made us parents to our children for a reason, and He gives us the wisdom (if we ask for it) to know the best way to parent.

That being said, these were not my reasons for homeschooling.

Religious: I did not feel the need to homeschool because of religious reasons. Living in the “Bible Belt” his school is actually quite conservative and there is definitely a strong Christian influence. In fact, there was no homework given on Wednesday nights because it’s traditionally a “church night.” Actually, if you are atheist our school would probably be offensive to you. But as a Christian, this was not our issue.

Bad School Environment: I did not decide to homeschool because he was in a bad school environment. There was no bullying. There was no being made fun of. In fact, all these kids are so incredibly sweet and kind. The reason they were always getting into trouble was because they liked each other too much and acted like it was party time every day.

My reasons to homeschool were more of what we would gain.

Character Building: When we are home and my seven year old acts ugly to his brother, I don’t give him a mark on the board or take away recess. We talk about the importance of being kind to others and try to understand better how to love and forgive. When he is acting prideful of himself for doing a good job with reading, I don’t give him a lollipop for doing a good job. We talk about how it’s good to be smart, but that’s not what gives us value in life and that arrogance is not acceptible.

Challenging Education: My son is not gifted, but he is incredibly bright. And school has not thus far been challenging for him. Now we are able to move at whatever pace he is able to go. There is a balance between pushing too hard, and not pushing hard enough. It’s a constant tension that I feel, but I think it’s worth it.

Ability to do More Activities: At this point we are able to get all of the curriculum done in 4 days a week and we are done before noon. I know in years to come the work load will increase, but for now this provides more opportunities to do other things. Piano lessons, art lessons, swim lessons, volunteer opportunities, etc. And we still have more time as a family. Which leads me to my final reason…

Less Stressful Home Life: If I am dealing with too much stress and get overwhelmed, then the whole family suffers. At first I thought I was crazy (as did some other people) that I would consider home schooling with a newborn. But truly, the thought of trying to get the baby up and fed and get my son to school before 8am makes me want to have a panic attack. This way, his schooling works around the family schedule.

Now to be fair about making this decision, I have some things working in my favor. My son is eager to learn, which makes teaching him so much fun. I love seeing his mind work and the expression on his face when he grasps something new. Also, I am naturally a very organized person. Being organized is oddly exhilarating to me. So I have no problem with getting through each day’s work load and keeping track of what we need to do next. And third, I have a very supportive husband who is completely on board and helpful. In fact he’s much better at grammar that I could ever hope to be, and without his proofreading of this post you may be concerned for the outcome of my children.

Homeschooling is absolutely not for everyone, and not for every season of life. I, however, am absolutely excited to begin this new journey with my children!

Making Room for a Growing Family

Parent, Save, Stay SaneJune 12, 2015June 17, 2015

With our family (and my belly) growing, we needed to make some extra room for all these kiddos to be able to sleep and still have room to play. There is no better way to do this than with bunk beds! And nothing more fun! So we started looking around to see what our options were. Good Grief!!! They either felt like they were going to fall over, or I would have to sell my left kidney in order to afford it. Solution? Make it ourselves! I looked around for months on Pinterest to get ideas. Finally taking several features that I liked and compiling them to come up with our own plans. I’m quite proud of the result and am more than happy to share with you. At the end of this post I will give a list of supplies needed, but I’ll just go ahead and tell you the cost (because I can’t keep a secret when I’m excited). Grand total (including hardware, but not paint) was $219.30 (without tax). Isn’t that incredible?!?!? Bunk beds like this to be built would be about thousand bucks, no lie. And ours even have secret compartments.

First thing, if you have a ceiling fan, it’s gotta go. We don’t want any kiddos getting knocked in the head in the middle of the night.

This is the head board. It consists of:

2-2 x 10 x 8 ft boards (our ceilings are 9 ft, so we didn’t need to cut these)
5-2 x 6 boards cut to 38 inches
2-boards cut from plywood 9 inches x 38 inches
1-4 x 8 white hardboard cut to 38 inches x 88 inches

Here you can see the back of the headboard.

This is looking into what will be one of the hidden compartments.

This is the foot board. It consists of:

2-2 x 6 x 8 ft boards
3-2 x 6 boards cut to 41 inches

These are the side rails that will hold the mattresses. They consist of:

4-2 x 6 board cut to 85.75 inches
4-2 x 2 x 6 ft (these are what hold the platform for the mattress, please note that these are NOT centered)

These are the siderails that go at the very top.

2-2 x 6 boards cut to 85.75 inches

Here we have attached the side rails. This is definitely a two (or maybe three) person job. Make sure your rails are level!!

Here is the mattress platform resting on the 2 x 2’s. Please note that we did add 2 x 2’s at the head and foot as an afterthought because it was not sturdy enough.

2-4 x 8 OSB plywood cut to 40.75 x 75 inches, then cut notches at foot .75 x 5.5 inches

These are the bookshelf stairs to climb into the top bunk. It consists of:

1-2 x 12 board cut to 55 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 39.25 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 39.5 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 29.25 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 19 inches
1-2 x 12 board cut to 8.75 inches
4-2 x 12 boards cut to 11 7/8 inches

Once built, the stairs were attached to the bed with “L” brackets.

We also put bookshelves in the headboard. The bottom shelf was not as deep as to allow room for the hinges to make the hidden compartment. These consist of:

4-1 x 10 boards cut to 38 inches
2-1 x 10 board cut to 38 inches and then ripped to 7 inches

We of course added the all-important safety rail. It consists of:

1-2 x 4 board cut to 85.75
2-2 x 4 boards cut to 15 inches

All wood was purchased from Home Depot.

Extra things we added were the curtains, an LED battery powered touch light, and little fans.

The curtain rods and clips were from Target. The curtains I sewed myself. The inside fabric has a wonderful silver star pattern with a black background, from JoAnn Fabric. The lights (not seen) were from Lowes. The fans from Walmart.

All of the sections were primed and painted before final assembly. I used the same paint that was used on our trim throughout the house. It looks great, and I didn’t have to buy any additional paint.

Aren’t they great (if I do say so myself)!

Here’s the shopping list and price breakdown:

(12) 2 x 6 x 8 @ $5.28
(2) 2 x 10 x 8 @ $7.26
(2) 2 x 4 x 8 @ $2.92
(3) 2 x 2 x 8 @ $1.87
(2) 1 x 10 x 10 @ $22.26
(1) 4 x 8 white hardboard @ $8.98
(2) 4 x 8 OSB plywood @ $7.05
(3) 2 x 12 x 8 @ $8.59
(2) Hinges 2 pack @ $2.97
1 lb screws 3″ $7.94
1 lb screws 2.5″ $9.37
(5) “L” brackets 4 pack @ $2.67

Total: $219.30

Have fun!!