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Bye Bye Santa!

Parent, Stay Sane

The time had come. It was time to tell our oldest child, who is 8 (and a half), that we had been lying to him for the past several years. It was time to tell him that who he knew as Santa, was all make-believe.

This was not approached lightly. We sought advice from family and friends. I searched the internet to see when was the best age to shatter their little hearts. I searched for what was the best way to tell them. We even considered letting others tell him. And in the end…

Let’s go back a bit in time first. Way back actually to when I was a child. I personally have no memory of believing in Santa Clause. I am the youngest of four, so I have just always assumed that I never had a chance to believe in him because there was no way my siblings would have been able to keep that secret. My parents taught me about the real St. Nicholas, and that all good gifts come from God. Christmas was actually about the birth of Christ, and my Barbies came from my parents.

I never had any intention of starting the whole Santa fiasco. But kids just somehow pick up on it, even if they are not in school. When my oldest was 3 I asked him who his presents were from, and he responded with, “Santa!” Since then, we did get on the Santa sled of lies joy. We would leave out cookies, I would write notes “from Santa,” and of course go and see Santa! And oh! Going to see Santa was the best. For the past three years, we have taken our kiddos to a family Christmas event that my husband’s company would put on. It is so well done. All of it is put on by the actual employees, including Ol’ St. Nick. Turns out Santa works in the technology field. Who knew. My son truly believed that the real Santa Clause came to his dad’s work every year. Santa at the mall? He’s a fake.

Last year my husband considered telling him. I just couldn’t do it. And after talking with my sister, and hearing how her son reacted with a look of heartbreak, I knew it just wasn’t time. But this year… well, my son can be quite sensitive, and he is now in school. I just did not want him to be told at school and not be able to respond however he felt.

It was time.

It began with my sons making Christmas lists. Listening to my older son making comments about his list and Santa, my husband gives me the look. We step into the other room and have an impromptu how-we-are-going-to-handle-this meeting. It was decided. It was time.

We went outside and sat on the steps.

Me: So do you remember how we learned about the real St. Nicholas who lived many hundreds of years ago?

Him: Yes.

Me: And how he secretly gave gold coins so a young lady could marry who she wanted to?

Him: Yes.

Me: And people started to secretly give gifts to celebrate Christmas?

Him: Yes.

Me: And you know that the real St. Nicholas is no longer alive?

Him: Yes.

Me: And who you know as Santa Claus is based on this real person?

Him: Um, yes.

Me: There is no Santa Claus.

Him: (eyes wide as saucers) What?

Me: There are no elves…

Him: Oh, I knew that already.

Me: There is no workshop at the North Pole. There are no flying reindeer.

Him: I was going to ask Santa about that! Wait- Then who is that man at dad’s work?!?!?

Me: (fighting back giggles) Um, well, just some man who dresses up as Santa.

Him: Then where do all my presents come from?

Me: Well… dad and I.

Him: How do you do all of that on Christmas Eve?!?!?

Me: (all out laughing at this point) We don’t do it all on that night. We buy stuff ahead of time.

Him: You must be super tired then on Christmas, having to be up all night setting out presents. (You’d think that we buy them crazy amounts of toys. I assure you we don’t. I think last year they got 2 toys each.)

Me: So are you ok?

Him: Yeah. I’m a little bummed though.

Me: I know buddy. Now, you are not allowed to tell your friends at school, or your brother!

It really went very well. I expected tears and uncontrollable sobbing. It ended up being quite light-hearted and humorous. Now that a few weeks have passed, he is really getting into talking up Santa with his little brother. He is enjoying being on the inside of this little ploy with us!

Is it the right time?

Here is my non-psychologist-but-I-am-a-mom advice if you are finding yourself in this situation:

You know your child. Trust yourself and trust your little one. If you have developed a trusting relationship with them, they will continue to trust you. But you may want to confirm that they will still get presents even though Santa is not real!

Also ask yourself:

  • Are they able to know the difference between fantasy and realty?
  • If they find out from others, how will they respond?
  • Are they starting to question certain aspects of the Santa story (elves, reindeer, etc.)?

 

Have you told your children the truth about Santa? How did you tell them? Did they take it well?

 

xoxo

 

 

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Deciding NOT to Homeschool

Parent, Stay Sane

Nearly a year ago I shared a post about deciding to homeschool. And in that post I shared that part of this process in deciding to homeschool was to give myself the freedom to stop.

“I may only do this until winter break. Or maybe for the year. Or maybe for elementary school. Or maybe through middle school. And I may not homeschool my second son. It may not be right for him.”

At the end of this past school year, in my homeschool review, I shared that the choice to homeschool was a scary one, but that I did not have any regrets. I wrote my review a week before learning that moving was a possibility.

“One year, one semester, one month at a time. I have no idea what we will be doing years from now, but I do know that I already bought the curriculum for next year!”

Well folks, It lasted for just over a year. We did start the year homeschooling in order that he would be up to speed when he began at the school here, which is a year-round program. The short time I was homeschooling confirmed for me that sending him to school was the right decision. I was in no condition mentally to be teaching. Now, my son is not only going to public school, but is even getting himself there on the bus!

The decision…

My decision to stop homeschooling came down to two main issues.

First, I would be losing the great support system where we lived before. It was fine with my son, who is very outgoing, to be home during the day because we were involved with so many people in so many different areas. Now, moving to a city where we do not know anyone, I felt that we would be isolated while homeschooling.

Second, moving is quite stressful and I need to be able to release stress through exercise, otherwise I am ineffective as a mom and teacher. Being active has allowed me to stay off medication. Endorphins are my drug of choice, and running is the best way to supply those for me. Not being able to exercise as frequently had always been my biggest concern with homeschooling. I was able to make it work last year since my son was only in second grade and the school work load was not heavy. But that load is only going to get heavier. Stress and the need for exercise are directly related. The more stress I have, the more important it is for me to exercise. The short time I did spend teaching my son was evidence of this. I struggled with being patient with him when learning something new, I was yelling more, and I feared that he would begin to hate learning if we continued.

The positive…

So far, my son is so happy being in school. The first day he came home talking about all the friends he had made. Him and his brother are not bickering as much. He has struggled with a new way of learning (Hello? Common Core!!) but seems to be catching on now.

The negative…

There is not as much time for extra things. Before, my son took piano lessons during the day, and he loved it and showed talent for it. Now, our piano has a layer of dust over it.

He has friends, and I don’t know who they are. I’m sure they are great kids, and I know I will eventually meet them and hopefully their parents. It’s odd for me that he has a life that I am not a part of. This is part of letting him grow. It’s exciting to see who he is becoming, but it hurts my heart a little too.

Final thought…

Just like I gave myself the freedom to stop homeschooling at any time, I also have the freedom to go back to it. As a mom, I never stop praying for wisdom to know what the best thing for my children is at each stage of life.

 

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Empowering the Fathers

Parent, Stay Sane

The role of a father is a powerful thing. As a mom, we can encourage the father of our children to embrace his role and in turn raise a generation of healthy and confident children.

Before I continue, let me make it known that I was raised by a good man, and then I married a good man. I completely understand that the father of your children may, in fact, not be a good man. Or maybe he is a good man, but you had a bad marriage. These are situations that I cannot empathize with, nor will I try to pretend that I can. In these situations, I listen. I will always listen.

Since my husband and I are pretty much perfect…hahahahaha! Um, no. Not even close. Here is the truth: My default is to yell. Or as my mother use to say (as she was yelling), “I’m not yelling, I’m talking passionately!” I often have to put myself in “time-out.” Last week I hid in my room and had “happy hour” with a beer at 4:30 in the afternoon. My husband never yells, but he has the ability to make others feel like an idiot when he talks. He can be harsh with his words if he is stressed. But we are constantly working and encouraging each other to be more loving, more patient, more consistent.

Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Psalm 127:3, ESV

Here are five ways that we can empower the fathers…

Respect. By respecting my husband (and him respecting me in turn), we are modeling to our children a couple things. First, how to treat others. Second, that they must respect their father and mother. It’s what is expected. Is it always achieved? No, but when it’s not it gets corrected, both within our relationship and our relationship with our children.

What this looks like for us…

  • If I disagree with my husband on a topic, I don’t talk to him with a condescending tone.
  • I am not demanding in my tone. I ask for things to be done, I say please a lot, and thank you a ton.
  • If I disagree on a parenting action, I talk with him about it in private, not in front of the children.

Communication. This is crucial in any relationship, but especially marriage. And with honest communication, there must be trust. Because we are not perfect parents, there are times that we have to point out faults to one another. This is done in a calm, sincere manner.

What this looks like for us…

  • Pointing out that his tone was too harsh.
  • Informing him that he did not follow through on what he said he was going to do.
  • Mentioning things that he needs to be more attentive to.

Listen. Being the financial provider for our family, he can feel stressed from pressure with work related events. By listening to him vent about his day, he is then able to relax and enjoy family time when he is home.

What this looks like for us…

  • I don’t fully grasp what my husband does for a living. I kind of hate it when people ask what his does. Because of this, I often get glassy-eyed when he starts talking too technical, and he knows this. The point is that I still sit there and listen. And sometimes I can even think of good questions to ask!
  • I do not typically give advice, unless it’s an issue with a female co-worker, in which case I may play devil’s advocate and try to help him understand what is going through her mind.

Support. My husband and I do not have the same strengths, and for this I am thankful. If we had the same strengths, we would probably have the same weaknesses, and then we would be in a real mess. We are able to acknowledge these areas of weakness, which allows the other to fill-in the gaps. We are not perfect, but together we are strong.

What this looks like for us…

  • At times I have trouble keeping boundaries with my boys. They just end up wearing me down. In these times, my husband is able to step in and be the enforcer. This allows me to be a better mom in the long run because I’m not so worn out. And I appreciate not having to be the “bad guy” all the time.
  • My husband is super detailed with his career. With the children, not so much. I, however, am quite structured with home-life, and this allows everyone to be fed and clothed everyday.
  • When one of us is having a bad attitude day, the other one goes into nice-guy mode. We have even been known to tell the other, “I’m in a crappy mood today, I need you to take over.” Rarely have we both been nasty at the same time. Thankfully.

Encouragement. All of us need a pat on the back from time to time. In the trenches of parenting, we need this often.

What this looks like for us…

  • Simply saying, “You are such a good dad” goes a long way. And when there are specific attributes that he shows, I point those out as well.
  • I can never say “thank you” enough to my husband. Knowing that his sacrifices are appreciated is an encouragement and motivator to continue all the work he does for our family.

Your turn…

In what ways do you support your husband to be a strong, loving father? I would love to hear your thoughts!

xoxo

father

End of Year Homeschool Review

Parent, Stay Sane

One-hundred, and eighty days. Done. Our first year of homeschooling has come to a close. And we are still smiling. Of course, there were a few tears and aggravation sprinkled along the way, but we probably would have had that regardless. Bottom-line: He wants to continue, and so do I.

Here is:

  • What worked
  • What did not work
  • How I occupied the other kiddos
  • The Negatives
  • The Positives

What worked

Being relaxed: I’m what you would call a structured, driven, type-A kinda gal. But there is something about having a baby that throws plans out the window. And since that is what happened right as the school year started it helped me be more laid back about our school day. We were constantly changing our routine, because our routine was constantly changing. Also, we did pretty much the bare minimum of what was required, but we did it well. Our school day was at most 2 hours. This is partly because I didn’t want to spend any longer than that and partly because we were adjusting to a new rhythm of life for our family. And of course he was just in 2nd grade. I know that every year is going to get more challenging from here on.

Starting early in the year: We started in July, but it was only two days a week. We did this because I was due to have a baby in August and I wanted to give myself a maternity leave. But it was awesome! And I think we’ll do it again this year. It gave us a lot of flexibility to go and do things that we wanted to do. And living in South Carolina, the summer is so stinkin’ hot and humid, that I would rather have more days off in the spring and fall.

Having a set start time: It took a little while, but eventually he understood that 8:00 meant sitting down to start. There was no argument, it was just what happened.

Using timers when needed: Half of his subjects he did on his own in workbooks. Some days he was completely focused and knocked these out with no problem. Other times, I would have to urge him to stay focused. And then there were the times that I didn’t think he was ever going to finish and I was about to lose my mind (REALLY?? 30 minutes for 6 math problems?? Are you serious?!?!). And it was at these times I busted out the timer. I don’t know why it is, but if there is a timer, he is super motivated (and this goes for anything from cleaning his room to getting dressed). I don’t like to use timers all the time though, because it does tend to stress him.

Curriculum: I did not choose to use one specific curriculum. We used a hodgepodge. Half of it I loved, a quarter of it I scrapped, and a quarter we struggled through and will switch next year. But this is the beauty of homeschool, I can tailor it to fit his learning style (which is actually different than I originally thought).

What Did Not Work

Squeezing two days into one: We tried this several times. As life adjusted to the new baby, I wanted to get back to running, swimming, and taking my cycle class at the YMCA. The running I could do at home on the treadmill, the swimming I could do in the evening, but the cycle class just couldn’t budge. And I am seriously addicted to this class (not just the exercise, but the people are amazing). So we would “double up” on Mondays so that we didn’t have to do any school on Tuesdays. Sounds like a great idea, right? Wrong!! It usually ending with me feeling aggravated and him feeling frustrated.

Doing school in the afternoon: Since doubling school on Monday didn’t work, I thought we would try to fit it in during the afternoon. I know this works for lots of families, but not me. I am just mentally done with kids in the afternoon. That is the time of day I want for all of us to have down time, and then for them to go run around outside, or goof-off indoors if the weather is bad. My solution was to make Tuesday a “half day.” On these days he only had workbook learning to do, which he could do without me (and I would check and correct errors the next day).

Curriculum: As I mentioned earlier, there are several subjects we will be changing next year.

How I occupied the other kiddos

The 4 year old: At the start of the year, when he had just turned 4, this was difficult. I had some workbooks for him to do, but I was not always available to help him with them because of needing to work with my older son, or having to take care of the baby. Having him play with puzzles and blocks worked much better. As the year went on, and he wanted to do “big kid” stuff like his brother, he became more into coloring in coloring books. And then towards the end of the year, he began participating in the  lessons. He still struggles with his letters, but he can tell you what a preposition and pronoun is!

The baby: At first, she just slept and that was glorious. By the middle of the year, she was entertained in the exersaucer. Toward the end of the year, she was crawling and getting into everything. I’m a big fan of having babies of this age play in the pack-n-play. She is in the living room, so she can still see us, but she is contained. This may only last for 30 minutes, but that is precious time!

The Negatives

I have had to sacrifice a lot of alone time. My mornings that I used to spend at the gym, are now spent with all 3 kiddos. My afternoons that I once spent resting, writing, reading, etc. while my children napped are now interrupted every 10 minutes because my older 2 kids don’t nap. And even though we all have designated spots for “down time” they find me. They always find me.

Another negative is that him and his brother are always around each other. And even though they love each other dearly, I feel that they get tired of each other. Because of this, I am strongly considering joining a co-op next year. Some time apart would be beneficial.

The Positives

Our lives have such a calm rhythm right now. We don’t have to rush out of the house to get to school. I don’t have to wake the baby in the afternoon to pick him up from school. If there is something we would rather do than school, we have the flexibility to do so (within reason). I’m able to challenge him in certain subjects and work with him where he is weak. Last year, he came home almost every afternoon feeling discouraged and saying that he had a bad day. He has had moments of feeling frustrated this past year, but they were few and far between.

 

The choice to homeschool was a scary one, but I do not have any regrets. One year, one semester, one month at a time. I have no idea what we will be doing years from now, but I do know that I already bought the curriculum for next year!

 

Homeschool-Review

Mother’s Day: Ideal vs. Actual

Parent, Stay Sane

Mother’s day is coming to a close, and I hope you have had a restful day of adoration from your children. I have been showered with hand-made cards, flowers, and a day spent hiking in the mountains and hiding in my room. Yep, my hubby has allowed me to hide away and be alone. It’s beautiful. The children are either running, screaming, or crying, but I don’t care. He’s got it all under control, and I have a glass of wine.

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For years, Mother’s Day was difficult for me because I had lost my mom to cancer. I would spend it watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. The tag line for the movie was, “Mothers. Daughters. The never-ending story of good vs. evil.” Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I would laugh and cry the whole way through. And then… I became a mom. Thus began the tradition of breakfast in bed, construction paper cards, and feeling honored.

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Honestly, what I really want on this day is to not have to do anything. To not have to feed any children. To not have to change a diaper. To not have to pick up toys. To not listen to crying, or whining, or arguing. Pretty much, I don’t want to be a mom on Mother’s day.

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I know this will change. There will soon be a day when I will want all my children near me to celebrate this day, and a day I will feel sad because they are no longer near by. And my heart aches when I think about those who desperately want to be a mom, and have not been able to take that journey. I won’t stay in this place for long, but for now, this is how it is.

The stages of Mother’s Day

I so badly want to be a mom!

I’m so excited to be a mom!

I don’t want to be a mom today!

I love being a mom!

I miss my kids. Oh look, grandchildren!

Here is what some of you have said about your ideal versus actual Mother’s Day

Mom of 4 ages 10-14

Ideal: Church and then a relaxing day spent mostly outdoors. I’d love to go hiking and have a picnic that I don’t have to prepare or clean up after.

Actual: Church, then go to my mom’s and cook omelets with my sister for our families. After that, cook dinner and take it to my mother-in-law’s house. I thoroughly enjoyed it last year thinking of other mothers rather than myself.

Mom of 4 ages 14-18

Ideal: Take a walk, go out to breakfast, have someone else make lunch. And go spend the day with my husband somewhere.

Actual: I will go take my mother-in-law lunch because it is also her birthday.

Mom of 1 age 13 months

Ideal: Spending part of the day receiving some form of pampering (mani/pedi, massage, hair appointment) coming home to a clean house and not having to cook the rest of the day.

Actual: Spend the prior week cleaning so I can enjoy a clean house on Mother’s day, go to church, go out for lunch, and hangout with family the rest of the day.

Mom of 3, grandmother to 6

Ideal: All my children and grandchildren will be gathered in my home for a cookout. It will be a day of laughter and good food with good conversation while the children play and run in and out. I will grab hugs and kisses as they run by.

Actual: Church, eat lunch, visit my mom at the nursing home. Kind of makes me sad to think about it.

Mom of 3, ages 6-14

Ideal: For years I dreaded mothers day. It was a reminder to me of what I didn’t have and was told I could never have. There is so much heartache wrapped up in that one day. It was truly a day of mourning. For so many years I dreamed about it and prayed that that day would become a happy day for me. So when I finally became a mother myself, that became one of my favorite days. It is a day of deep reflection for me every year. It is very emotional. I pray I will never forget those emotions. There is nothing I would rather be doing on that day than to be with my babies that made me a mom.

Actual:  My second favorite day of the year is the kid’s birthday party. This year their birthday party will be on Mother’s day. For me, it doesn’t get better than that and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my day.

Mom of 3, ages 8-14

Ideal: To take a day trip with my mom and soak up good foods and sights. In years past though, I wanted a day off from being mom. I wanted to be completely alone with no mommy responsibilities!

Actual: Spend the day with my hubby and kids, probably grilling out and playing games-which is a close second to what I wish I could do.

Mom of 3 ages 9-15

Ideal: Spend time with my husband and kids, having meals catered in, and cleaned up by hired help, playing games without any arguments and perhaps watching a movie together as a family.

Actual: Going to church, spending time with the family playing tennis or games. Unfortunately, there probably will be arguments. Also I will either be supervising kids making a mess of the kitchen and/or cleaning up behind them. Or I will be kicked out of the kitchen by my husband and therefore we’re not spending time together.

Mom of 2 ages 10-13

Ideal: Wake up after sleeping in, go on a family hike with a picnic in the mountains, come home to eat take out, watch a good movie, and go to bed early.

Actual: It’s really just a normal Sunday. They do make me breakfast, then we go to church, then come home, cook, clean, and host mothers day dinner. My husband does do the clean up after dinner.

I am truly so fortunate to have my husband and children. And even though a day off would be nice, a day to love those children is so much more. I feel humbled that they want to honor me in any way they know how. If your “actual” isn’t your “ideal” know that you are not alone. And know that even though you may not get to spend this day the way you would like, that you are still honored and loved and blessed.

Happy Mother’s Day! xoxo

When the Milk Dries Up

Parent, Stay Sane

When I took my oldest, now eight years old, to his 6 month old check up, the doctor informed me that he was dropping in his weight percentile. I was concerned, and disappointed, and sad. The reason for his drop in growth was due to my drop in milk supply. My desire to nurse urged me to fight to keep my supply from dropping. I began drinking Mother’s Milk tea several times a day, pumping after nursing, and extra pumping sessions. It was exhausting. And I was working as a dental hygienist at the time, which made it even worse. It was quite difficult to fit in the pumping between patients.

The first four months I had more milk than I could keep up with, so I just kept pumping and putting it in the freezer. Thankfully I had this to supplement with once I knew that he was not getting enough from nursing alone. But my extra supply was dwindling, and going quick. When I had to start supplementing with formula, it was torture. I know this is ridiculous. I was a formula baby, and I am healthy. Lots of babies grow and develop perfectly on formula. I don’t think badly of other moms that decide to use formula, for whatever their reason. But to be honest, I cried like I was giving him poison.

Turns out, formula was just fine. And I was happier. I was no longer stressed and obsessing over my supply. I was able to stop before he got teeth. I loved having my body back to myself, even if I was never going to be quite the same again. I had found freedom and independence!

When my second was born, now 4 years old, I recognized the same thing happening again. He started fussing after feedings because he was still hungry. And like before, I had plenty of extra in the freezer to supplement with. But unlike before, I did not fret about switching to formula. I was kinda giddy about it to be honest.

Now, with my third, who is 8 months old, I thought things would be different. I figured that my supply had dropped with the first two because I was working outside the home and relying on pumping about a third of the time. With my daughter, I have been able to be home and nurse consistently. But just like before, right around 6 months, I could tell my supply was dropping. I admit, I wasn’t ready to stop nursing her, so I did fight for it. Not enough to stress over it, but I did what I could. She is just so sweet, I didn’t want to lose that time with her.

So here I am, completely done with nursing, forever. I had my week of feeling sad and trying to soak in every moment I had left of it. And then I let it go.

To help in this time of transition, I came up with a list of reasons of…

Why to be Happy When the Milk Dries Up

#1 I can lay on my belly.

Seriously, I love being able to do this finally. My neck, however, does not appreciate it.

#2 I don’t feel self-conscious of actually having cleavage.

I’m what you might call “flat-chested.” Actually, there is no might. I am indeed flat-chested. Which means I never have to worry about showing too much. So I’m super paranoid when I’m nursing and am a whopping size B (even a size C the first few weeks after giving birth)!!!

#3 I can have a glass of wine in the middle of the day.

This is oddly very liberating. I feel like I’m getting away with something.

#4 I can take cold medicine if I have a cold.

Getting sick is always a bummer, but getting sick while pregnant or nursing is especially cruddy. You just have to suffer through.

#5 I can exercise without wearing multiple sports bras.

I love running, you all know that. And I’m flat-chested, you all now know that too. So it is super annoying to all of a sudden have boobs that bounce while running. I’m thrilled to be done with that.

#6 I have extra freezer space for ice cream.

The first 4 months of nursing I produce crazy amounts, which is great, but my freezer was half-full with bags of milk. At one point I have over a gallon’s worth of frozen milk.

#7 I don’t have to worry about my milk letting down while being intimate.

I’m not going to elaborate.

#8 I can have a second beer if we go out to eat.

Before, if we did get to go out to eat (which was maybe twice) I couldn’t do this since my boobs were “on-call” for the rest of the night.

#9 I can be away from my child for more than 3 hours.

FREEDOM!!!!!

 

My little girl loved to play with my face while she nursed. It was all sweet until her razor blade fingernails dug in.
My little girl loved to play with my face while she nursed. It was all sweet until her razor blade fingernails dug in.

 

Did you have a difficult time when you stopped nursing? Was it your choice? How did you handle the transition? Leave a comment below, or on the Facebook page. I look forward to hearing your stories!

3 Bad Words

Love, Parent, Stay Sane

I’ve been known to use a few bad words in my life. Actually, I think a well-timed, well-placed bad word can be quite effective. There are times that it is simply the best way to get your point across. That being said, I don’t typically use bad words on a day to day basis. You know, the whole kids-are-always-listening thing.

There are other not-bad words I use that have gotten a nasty reputation. Which is a shame because they are vital to three areas of my life that I am extremely passionate about: my faith, my marriage, and my children.

 

 

My faith requires obedience.

This feels uncomfortable. It’s ok to use that word when we are talking about our children, but as an adult this seems preposterous. I’ve paid my dues. Now that I’m all grown up I can do whatever I want to do.

…to obey is better than sacrifice… (1 Samuel 15:22, ESV)

There is a quote by Timothy Keller that says, “If your god never disagrees with you, you might just be worshipping an idealized version of yourself.” Insert punch into gut. Sometimes I need to be confronted with truth. And sometimes that truth may require me to make a change. Our thoughts and actions have consequences, good and bad. Anything that we do has an effect on others. We may say, “It’s my life I can do what I want,” but what about the child, or spouse, or even stranger that feels the ripple of that decision.

The Lord requires obedience so that our lives will be blessed, not hindered. I don’t limit the amount of sugar my children consume because I want to hinder their lives. I limit it because I want them to live a fuller, healthier life and enjoy more things. I don’t put boundaries on how far they go in the backyard because I want to control them. They have boundaries so they don’t run into a copperhead snake or mountain lion (I know, crazy life we live). Likewise, the Lord places boundaries in my life to protect me.

My marriage requires submission.

This feels icky. What a horrible thing to ask of a wife. It seems like this could lead to abuse. As women we have fought for our rights. I don’t want someone, even my husband, telling me what I can or cannot do.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18, ESV)

Isolating this single scripture doesn’t make me feel any better. Let’s add the next one, shall we?

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19, ESV)

There, I like that one much better. I really like how both of these are written in The Message:

Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them.

To be submissive to my husband is respecting his decisions and supporting him in that process. Being supportive does not mean saying, “Yes, dear” to whatever he wants to do. Being supportive is asking questions to help him think something through, or providing suggestions if he needs help. Being supportive is encouraging him to take the next step, or warning him that something doesn’t seem right. And then sometimes being supportive is knowing when to keep thoughts to myself and let him figure something out on his own.

In my husband and mine’s relationship, everything gets discussed. And if we ever are at an impasse and can’t come to an agreement, that is when I take a deep breath and let it go. I’m showing my husband respect by trusting his decision. And in return, he goes “all out in love” for me.

My children require discipline.

This feels harsh. All children behave this way, it’s just how they are. I want them to experience a full life. I want them to learn independence and be free thinkers.

Let’s revisit Colossians again.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. (Colossians 3:20, ESV)

And again, let’s add the next verse.

[Parents], do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21, ESV)

To discipline our children does not mean to punish them all the time. It means to train them. Sometimes training is simply having a discussion, and sometimes it is working through a consequence. We have to train them to do everything, right? How to hold a spoon, how to drink, how to walk, how to use the toilet, how to spell, how to ride a bike, how to tie their shoes. So why do we think that they do not have to be trained to be polite, to be kind, to be generous, to be considerate, to be thankful, to forgive, to trust. These things do not come natural. We all want our children to be independent thinkers, but without training, their thinking can develop into only focusing on themselves.

Whenever I have to confront my oldest, now 8 years old, on why he shouldn’t behave a certain way, I explain to him that I am not scolding him. I am teaching him what is appropriate, and how to love others, and how to be respectful. I am not training his behavior, I am training his heart. This leads to him thinking through situations on his own. This teaches him how to grow and become a considerate, independent free thinker.

Now, when my son was younger we could not take this approach. It is not fair to expect a 2 or 3 year old to understand the concept of heart issues. Yes, they are talked about, but there is also a concrete consequence that comes along with the discussion. This teaches them that their are consequences to our actions. Our entire lives we have to deal with the consequences of our decisions.

I truly do not enjoy discipling my children. Training is not easy, it is sacrificial. But isn’t that a wonderful way to show that we love them?

 

 

So gosh-darnit-fiddlesticks! Important things in life take work. But doing what is uncomfortable in the present can lead to a future of positive results. Don’t be afraid of using these bad words!

Have you experienced the positives of using these bad words? Please share by commenting below or joining the conversation on the Facebook page.

xoxo

 

 

 

Legacy of Beauty

Love, Parent, Stay Sane

It’s normal for a baby to smile at themselves in the mirror. It’s even listed as a developmental action that babies do around 4 months old. So I know that my baby girl is not the first to do this, but my goodness, she sure is cute when she does. Her little face just lights up. She is happy to see that other little person smiling back at her.

When she first started doing this, it struck me, when did we stop smiling at ourselves in the mirror?

 

Stop It!!

I’m my own worst critic. Standing in front of the mirror, examining, critiquing, judging. I’m too pale, too flat chested, too much skin around my belly, and my hair has too many cowlicks. This is not the example I want to be for my daughter. It is not the legacy I want to pass on. I want her to know that she can accept herself for who she is, and even like who she is without feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with her or her appearance. I want her to know that beauty is not defined by the way we look, or the comments of others.

It is ridiculous how many voices we listen to in our heads. First we tear ourselves down, thinking that we are not “enough.” And then when we start to change the voice in our head, and feel good about who we are, we feel guilty for being confident and worry that we sound arrogant and conceited.

This past week I was holding my daughter and looking in the mirror. At first I said, “Look at that pretty girl.” And I felt troubled, knowing that I want to pass on a legacy of beauty. So I said, “look at those pretty girls. They are beautiful, and healthy, and strong!”

 

Epiphany

 

I don’t fix myself up to become beautiful. I fix myself up because I am beautiful.

I don’t make myself look pretty because I need to feel confident. It is simply that I am worth spending time on. I do not want my daughter to think she needs makeup and perfect hair to be deemed beautiful. I want her to see her outward appearance as an expression of the beauty within her.

I don’t eat good things to become healthy. I eat good things because I am healthy.

I don’t deny myself doughnuts because I need to lose weight. I make healthy choices because my body is worth taking care of. I do not want my daughter to become obsessed with food, neither over-indulging, nor over-denying. I want her to see food as nourishment, not as a comfort or as something to control.

I don’t exercise to become strong. I exercise because I am strong.

I don’t run to prove myself to others. I run because God created me with the ability and desire to do so. I do not want my daughter to feel pressure to be someone she is not. I want her to be confident and strong, knowing who God has created her to be.

 

 

If we are always striving to become something, we never experience the freedom of being what we already are.

Quick! Go find a mirror and smile at yourself. It’s ok to like that beautiful person smiling back at you. She is pretty remarkable!

 

xoxo

Do you know other beautiful, healthy, strong mommas that need to know their worth?

 

To My Oldest Son

Parent, Stay Sane

I am so glad you were born first. You have taught me and trained me to be the mother that I am, and am still becoming. Even though I am thankful my firstborn was you, I must apologize. Honestly, I’m never quite sure what I’m doing. You are my ultimate experiment. Some days I feel like we have a good system going. The next day, I feel like I am doing a horrible job. I guarantee you will not get through this childhood without a few scars, but you are strong because of them. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for your forgiveness. We have had plenty of tears over the last eight years, but thankfully they are far outweighed by the laughter.

 

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I need you to know that I love you fiercely.

I love you for… your joy. Even when you are so angry, I know that I can make you giggle by simply making a silly face. You would much rather laugh than fight, and that joy is contagious.

I love you for… your compassion. Ever since you were so young you would feel pain when others feel pain. I will always remember you at 2 years old bringing me tissues when I was crying. I can still hear your sweet munchkin-like voice saying, “Here ya go momma.”

I love you for… your excitement. For you, every day is a gift. I have never known anyone to have their “best day ever” every single day. And because of this, life will just keep on getting better for you.

I love you for… your love for other people. You make new best friends every time you meet someone new. And although this makes me nervous for you, worrying that you will one day get your heart broken, I admire your boldness and confidence in loving others.

I love you for… your need for justice. I appreciate that you recognize when the game is not being played fair, and that you speak up when someone is not following the rules. And although you are unsure how to handle the injustice right now, I see this becoming a strong trait in you. I see that you will be a voice for those that cannot speak for themselves.

I love you for… your willingness to learn. Watching your mind when learning something new is simply the coolest. And when you teach me things that I did not know, I am in awe and feel so proud of you.

I love you for… your willingness to serve. I admit it, I depend on you. A lot. And even though I feel guilty for that at times, I see the look on your face when you are able to help, and I know that you are growing to be a kind and considerate young man.

But mostly, I love you for simply being you.

From the time you were born I have prayed that you would grow to be confident knowing who God has created you to be. And even though you are still figuring this out, I see this prayer being answered. I will continue to pray for you to be someone who is not only strong, but will bring strength to others. I pray that you will remember: The hugs that followed the tears. The satisfaction of mastering something difficult. The laughter while we danced, and raced, and played games. I pray for wisdom for myself; wisdom to know when to hold on, and wisdom to know when to let go.

I am completely honored to be your mom.

Happy Birthday!

garrison

The Long Road to Adoption

Parent, Stay Sane

About this time last year I shared with you our desire to adopt from the foster care system. If you haven’t read about that and would like to learn what brought us to the decision, please do so. It can be found here.

Quite a bit has happened in the past year. I decided to start homeschooling my oldest, and I had a baby girl. But not a whole lot has happened with the adoption process. Last spring we had our Fire Marshal inspection and the Health Department inspection and then had to wait for the home study portion to be done. So we waited. And waited. The wait was long but I had peace within the waiting. I was getting ready to have a baby, so no real rush. And so we waited some more. I was warned early on that this was a long process. They weren’t lying.

Last week, we finally had the first half of our home study done. Hallelujah! This visit was just with the kids and I. Here are some highlights from the visit.

Leading up to the visit, I was quite nervous. Not so much that we wouldn’t get approved, but the fact that this person coming into our home is evaluating us (which feels like judgement) and they have so much power over the future of our family. I felt very vulnerable, indeed. Which is probably why the night before I had trouble sleeping and had bad dreams. In my dream it was my yoga instructor that came to do the home study. Odd. I like my yoga instructor, but it’s not like we are close. Anyway, she comes to the house where we apparently had a wild party the night before that got out of hand. There were people passed out drunk, and panties. Panties were strewn everywhere! Oh the horror! I’m trying to explain to her that this is not how we really live, and so on and so on. I was relieved to wake up to my clean non-party house.

Now back in reality, the lady was quite pleasant. She was very southern, and very sarcastic. I liked her very much. She was talking to the boys, asking them about their lives, and what kind of things they like to do. My boys have no trouble talking to people that come over. The trouble is getting them to stop. And my oldest is such a schmoozer. When she asked what he thought about his mom (me), he responded with, “Beautiful, heartwarming, silly, and crazy.” Sweet kid. And in regards to what he thinks about his dad, he answered, “SUPER strong!!” It’s nice to know what our kids think of us.

During the conversation, I left to get baby girl up from her nap. When I brought her out, the lady asked, “She isn’t yours, is she?” Ummm…. DSS had not informed her of the change in our family. See, when we submitted our initial application, I was not even pregnant. Now I have a six month old. Yes, it is a long, long road.

After the questions about my childhood, and my relationship with my family currently, she was asking what we were willing to take on. On our initial application we said we would take a sibling group of two. I told her we were now willing to take up to three if it was the right fit. She looks at me and asked, “Do I need to submit you for a psych eval?” Well, maybe.

The interview was coming to a close. We had survived. She was packing up and heading out the door. As soon as the door closed, and I mean it barely latched, my punk precious 4 year old says (quite loudly), “Look at her big butt!” Oh no, oh no, oh no no no!!!! So close. So close at getting through this without feeling horror. I don’t know if she heard or not, but I was completely embarrassed!

And now we are back to waiting. The second part of the home study will be done this week with my husband. The next step is to wait for a placement. Will it be this summer? Six months? A year? Only the Lord knows. In the meantime, I pray. I pray for protection for these future children of ours, they need it. Their lives are at stake. Literally.

Now, back to that dream I had. I told my yoga instructor about it, thinking she would get a kick out of it. She looked at me with a look that was part amused, part confused, part serious, and said, “I was a social worker for 30 years. Doing home studies was part of what I did.”

Creepy.

 

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