I Am Enough

Love, Stay SaneJanuary 3, 2016

This here is a safe place. A place we can be honest. A place we can trust each other. So please allow me to speak from my heart.

I have often felt like I am ruining my children. And am critical of my body. And am disappointed in myself, annoyed by myself, and frustrated with myself.

But…

Not as much as I once did. (Hallelujah!)

There are times I do not react to my children in the right way. And at times I don’t make healthy choices. At times I do disappointing things, annoying things, and frustrating things.

But…

I am not those things. (Hallelujah!)

I changed the dialogue in my head.

I was already doing this for my children. I speak over them what I want them to be. Sweet, loving, hard working, good. Not always easy to do. Sometimes I want to call them punks, brats, selfish, and annoying. And sometimes they are acting like those things (I’m not unrealistic). But they are not those things.

This may seem so awkward at first. Like you are lying. I assure you, you are being honest with yourself. I guarantee there has been at least one moment in your life you achieved the trait you are aspiring to live out. Think about that time, and speak it over yourself with faith.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Repeat After Me…

I am loved

I am healthy

I am beautiful

I am enough

I am kind

I am generous

I am happy

I am patient

I am fun

I am confident

I am wise

I am a good mom

So what do we do with ourselves when we do fail to be what we aspire to be? Acknowledge it. Confess that it was wrong. Ask for forgiveness (from God, our spouse, our children, our friends). And say…

I am forgiven!

Our actions do not have to define us, but can if we allow them. If we will change the dialogue in our heads, our actions will follow.

Finally, [mommas], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

xoxo

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Hope is a Beautiful Thing

Love, Parent, Stay SaneDecember 14, 2015December 9, 2016

“Santa, Santa! Do your reindeer really fly!!” This was coming from my 4 year old as he anxiously awaited to see Ol’ Saint Nick.

“But how?” And, “How old are you?” This from my almost 8 year old. He has also written Santa a letter. Complete with the address of “The North Poll.”

I am dreading the moment when he finds out this whole Santa thing is a sham. My hubby and I discussed that maybe we should tell him. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to. I’ve already shattered the Tooth Fairy lie, and that was traumatic enough (click the link if you want a good laugh).

My sister also advised against it. She told her oldest son, now 18 years old, when he was the same age as my son now. She told me that it was a bad mommy moment and she would give anything to take it back. The look on his face broke her heart.

I almost blew it. He was asking me questions about Saint Nicholas. The real one. So I thought I would get a book from the library. Brilliant thinking, right? Nope. Thankfully I told him that he was not allowed to read it without me because I wanted to read it too. I quickly had to stop reading it to him. It flat out said, “We all remember when we found out Santa Claus wasn’t real…” Yikes! I barely dodged that bullet. Or did I? Was he reading ahead while he was sitting next to me?

Since then he seems to be asking more questions. Trying to figure it out. Trying to catch Santa in a lie. Going all out to either make himself believe or to see if we will stop him.

It’s good to believe in something and to believe that Someone is looking out for us. We need to live with a hope and an expectation that something wonderful is going to happen. We long to have our wishes granted. We look forward to life being simpler. We want good things to happen to good people. We want gifts to be given with nothing expected in return. It’s called hope.

Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I hope for a world where there are no wars, no refugees, no murder. I hope for peace, and love, and kindness.

Sometimes I simply hope to have hope.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

My hope is not in politicians. It is not in laws. Not even in non-profit organizations. My hope is in heaven with the real Saint Nicholas. My hope is in The Lord.

Hope is a beautiful thing.

Do your children still believe in Santa Claus? How did they find out he wasn’t really the one leaving gifts? What are you hoping for?

You Are Loved, Fiercely

LoveDecember 11, 2015

Numerous times I have been speaking to my boys and I “feel” a tap on my shoulder. I know what I said to them was actually the Lord speaking to me. He is the perfect parent, so it makes sense that He would use our parenting to instruct us as well.

Examples

“You are expecting it to do something it was not made to do.”

To my children: Several years ago I said this to my oldest child when he was getting frustrated with a toy.

To me: The Lord was telling me that I had been expecting more out of my child than he was able to do at that time. I still hear this. Now it is in the context that I am expecting my children to be someone other than who they were created to be.

“You can trust what I say. Because I love you, I will keep my word.”

To my children: This was just this past week. My 4 year old was throwing a fit (again) and I told him there would be a consequence if he didn’t stop. He stopped for a while, but then decided to test me. So I had to follow through. Which resulted in lots of crying and then lots of hugs.

To me: Whether or not it is what I want to hear, I know I can trust the Lord. Because He loves me, He will keep His Word.

“Doing your best is all that matters.”

To my children: Both of my boys get frustrated with themselves when they make mistakes and want to give up when learning something new.

To me: Often my own best doesn’t feel good enough. I think I need to be more and do more. Thankfully this is not truth.

“There is nothing you can do or not do that will make me love you more or love you less. I love you fiercely.”

To my children: My oldest was upset he didn’t pass the swim test, and was scared to try again. He actually asked me what I would do to him if he didn’t pass. Gasp. My heart broke.

To me: I struggle with trying to impress others to gain approval. Thankfully there is nothing I can do to change how much the Lord loves me. This is a beautiful thing.

“I am not disappointed in you, I am disappointed for you.”

To my children: This was also after he didn’t pass the swim test. I was still trying to confirm that it was alright. He absolutely had the skill and ability to pass the test, but it had become a mental battle for him. I wanted him to experience the confidence and satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something he had been working so hard to achieve.

To me: When I mess up (said something rude, lost my temper, been critical, etc.) I feel so ashamed and want to beat myself up for it. The Lord was gently whispering in my ear that I am not a disappointment. But I have done some disappointing things.

“Don’t make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. That’s called being dramatic.”

To my children and me: Umm, yeah. Pretty much my entire life right here.

“Don’t get frustrated. Just try again.”

To my children: My four year old gets frustrated so easily. He tries to draw the letter “A” and starts crying because the lines are crooked. It takes a lot of encouraging from the whole family to get him through it.

To me: I do this too. I love starting things, but get discouraged when it doesn’t come easily to me. So I usually end up starting and then stopping. And then starting and then stopping. And then… Thankfully I am also surrounded by encouraging people that help me through these times.

Final Thought

As you are in the day to day grind be aware of the moments the Lord is using your own voice to teach you.

There is one more I want to share with you. This was not from me, but what a friend said to her daughter. It was a punch in my gut, and something I desperately needed to hear.

“You are beautiful just the way you are.”

Oh dear mommas, please hear this, “You are beautiful just the way you are!”

xoxo

6 People We All Need In Our Cheering Squad

Love, Stay SaneNovember 12, 2015

Life can be fun and exciting and full of energy. Or it can be a drag. Whether we are in the rush or the slush, we all need to be surrounded by people to challenge us to be our better self.

I have been blessed to have a great “cheering squad” in my life. If I’m struggling with my day, or week, or even year, these people have been there to keep me going, or in some cases, keep me still. I know they love me and want what is best for me and my family. Without them, I would not be where I am today. With them, I know tomorrow will be conquered.

6 People to Have in Your Cheering Squad

The Dreamer: This is the person that is always coming up with ideas. Every time you see them they have a new adventure planned and one for you as well.

!!!!Warning, don’t be tempted to lose focus and get off the path you are on.

The Motivator: This is the person that once you have an idea, they tell you should go for it. They think you are the best at whatever it is that you are doing, or at least make you feel that you are.

!!!!Warning, don’t let this prompt you to act before you are ready.

The Brainstormer: This is the person that will keep you going once you have an idea or plan by keeping your mind focused on what you can do to keep improving.

!!!!Warning, planning is a good thing, but be sure to take action after you have done your planning.

The Realist: This is the person that will keep you in check and not allow you to run too far ahead.

!!!!Warning, this can feel like discouragement, but that is not the intent.

The Questioner: This is the person that will ask challenging questions to make you think through all the steps. The questions are not to discourage or encourage. Just to make you think through every possible angle.

!!!!Warning, nothing will ever have all the kinks worked out, don’t let this immobilize you.

The Encourager: This is the person that will shower you with compliments and make you feel like you are changing the world. And they will do this just about the time you want to give up.

!!!!Warning, this person loves you and what you do, don’t let it cause you to think higher of yourself than you should.

Final Thought

Some of your “cheerers” will have more than one of these traits. Or you may have more than one kind of “cheerer” (I know I have multiple encouragers in my squad). Life is too complicated and busy to spend time on discouraging thoughts. Surround yourself with people that will love you and challenge you!

xoxo

How Do We End the Judgement?

Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 21, 2015January 29, 2016

We have all been there. We have been the one standing alone while others made snide comments and pointed and laughed (although it may just have been in our minds). And we have also been the one commenting and pointing and laughing (even if it has just been in our minds). Nobody wins. Everybody feels cruddy after the fact.

Here’s What Happened

I found myself in this situation a couple weeks ago while my sons were at swim lessons. There is this one 5 year old boy in my younger son’s class that is, how shall I say….,very active. Now, I am no stranger to active little boys. I have boys, my friends have boys, I’m married to a man that used to be a boy. So I was not concerned with his activeness. I was concerned with how little regard this boy had for authority. Completely ignoring his mother, the teacher, and the lifeguard. This is scary to me because, hello! These are kids in water! The first couple weeks I was unconcerned, no judgement, just observation.

But then, a couple weeks ago, I crossed the line into judgement. The mom had told her son for the 14th time to put something away. Instead of obeying he threw a temper tantrum. And then… she gave in and handed it back to him. I’m so thankful that the pool area is loud and echo-y because a comment actually slipped out of my mouth. But then I felt cruddy. (And if by some bizarre chance this dear mom is reading this, please know that I did feel cruddy and I am sorry.)

Now, am I wrong to think that she could have handled that differently? I don’t think so. But I was wrong to point (in my mind) and make a snide comment (in actuality). I don’t know this lady. I don’t know what her marriage is like, or if she is even married. I don’t know what she deals with on a daily basis with her son. I do know that she was frustrated and probably could have used some encouragement.

At that moment I was not in the frame of mind to actually encourage her. But I did think of a dear friend that I know feels overwhelmed at times when dealing with her son. So I texted her a simple message of “I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.”

So What Do You Think?

Is it judgement just to disagree with someone? Their parenting style, their health choices, the way they communicate. In our culture right now we are so concerned with not offending people that we are more afraid than ever to disagree, but have never been more judgemental. Maybe if we learn to understand people, and/or assume the best of them, we can get beyond ourselves and leave the judging thing to The Lord. He’s the only one that truly knows our hearts anyways, right?

So then, how do we encourage those around us? Whether it is someone we love, or a stranger, we can all use a bit of encouragement. And isn’t it true that the areas we need the most encouragement are the areas we are weakest in. Which means these areas are the most vulnerable to being “judged” because we are not doing them as well as we would like.

Perhaps we need to encourage “in faith.” In faith, I want my son to be a hard worker; so I praise him for being a hard worker. Our children will be what we tell them they are. So isn’t this true for others. If you want someone to be a good mom and for them to feel that they are, then tell them they are.

And finally, isn’t this true for ourselves. Don’t we deserve to encourage our own souls?

Stop judging others, and stop judging yourself. In faith, encourage the area that is weakest.

xoxo

6 Tips For Surviving Postpartum

Be Healthy, Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 14, 2015

After giving birth, some new moms automatically adjust well. They love their baby and they love being a mom. But there are some new moms that have a more difficult time adjusting. And often, they don’t know how to talk about it.

My baby girl is now 2 months old, and I gotta say, life is pretty great. I don’t even want to tell you how great because I will sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not really bragging, I’m just excited. And happy. And rested.

And it is alright for me to feel this way, I was nervous that I wouldn’t. Why? Because with my first two children it was rough those first couple of months. It was those first couple of months that no one warned me about. Oh sure, I knew I would be tired, that’s understood. But the emotional swings that I experienced caught me off guard. It wasn’t until my first born was older that I realized it was postpartum depression. I was prepared for it with the second, and considered not having a third child because of it.

Since I was not prepared to experience this with my first, I am pretty open with other people about it. If I have any sort of relationship with a woman that is expecting, we will be having a conversation at some point that begins with, “Just so you know I had my nervous breakdown when he was 5 weeks old…” I hope (oh Lord, do I hope) that whoever I am speaking with doesn’t end up needing my advice, but just in case she does, I want her to know that she is not alone and should not feel ashamed.

Before I continue, let me give my disclaimer here. This is simply my story, my experience, and my life. There are things that I tried that helped and things that didn’t. I am not a physician, or psychologist, or counselor. If you are dealing with postpartum depression I am simply here to provide encouragement, and part of that encouragement will be to seek professional help.

My Story

Like I said previously, I had a “nervous breakdown” when my firstborn was 5 weeks old. Honestly, I’m being dramatic. A true nervous breakdown is no laughing matter. Mine was more of a meltdown. Trouble, though, started before that episode. I should have known something was not right when he was 3 weeks old. It was the middle of the night, I had just finished feeding him and he wouldn’t stop crying. He was not one of those sleepy babies that you could feed and put right back to bed. I was trying to calm him, soothe him, take care of him all on my own because that’s what mom’s are suppose to do, right? I’m just suppose to automatically think he’s the best thing ever and gush and never complain, right? Well to be honest, I didn’t feel that way. It turned out I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him. And so that night while I was holding him and he was crying and I was crying, I started screaming. My hubby ran into the nursery to me screaming, “Take him, just take him!!” Because I was about 3 seconds away from shaking him. Isn’t that awful? Even now, over 7 years later I feel awful for feeling that way. And I realized in that moment why people shake their babies, and I understood the desperation, and I lost any judgement that I had felt towards them. After that my hubby and I came to an understanding. I would feed him (had to, I was nursing) and try to put him back to sleep. If he didn’t go to sleep, then it was his turn. The key was, I had to ask for help. He wasn’t expecting me to do it all on my own. I was.

A couple weeks later I was not much better. I had called my mother-in-law for encouragement and support and would have received it if only she had been home (this was back in the day when people still used their home phones as their primary number). Instead, her mother answered the phone. I know she meant well, and in her mind she probably thought she was giving good advice. But it wasn’t. It was maybe good advice for a woman living in the 1950’s, but not for current times. She made the comment, “Well, I sure hope Jeremy (hubby) isn’t having to get up at night since he has to go to work.” Here’s the thing, when my son was born we still had the coffee shop. There is no maternity leave when you own your own business. The second day home from the hospital I was having to do payroll. I told her that I was working too, and she simply responded with “Well, maybe you are doing too much.” No, duh!! But that was not the way I wanted to hear it, so I started crying. And didn’t stop. For a long time.

Fast forward three and a half years to the birth of my second son. Once again, around the 3 week mark I lose it. But this time when I felt overwhelmed I didn’t just cry, I got angry. And once I again I felt myself losing control and screaming for help. This time I called my midwife right away. I knew better. They put me on a low dose of an anti-depressant. It did seem to help some, but honestly I just felt numb. Numb to my children, and numb to my husband. It was miserable. So I weaned myself off the drug and went to talk to a psychologist instead. The problem was, the one they referred me to was younger than me, not married, no children. I’m sure she was/is a great psychologist, but I needed someone that could actually understand what I was dealing with. So I quit that as well. I started exercising. The gym became my therapy sessions. And this seemed to work for me. I had a release valve for all my stress and anxiety. I did end up a few months later, once I was done nursing, going on a different med and finding a different therapist (she was in her 60’s and a grandmother and was incredible).

As I was expecting to have my third baby, I started thinking through ways to prevent going through this again if at all possible. Some things I was ahead of the game on already. Life is much less stressful now. No coffee shop to run, financially stable, better weather. I also had started reading about probiotics while pregnant. Some studies have shown that it can actually reduce postpartum depression. Score! I also exercised throughout my entire pregnancy and ate healthier than I had been previously. I made and froze meals so I wouldn’t have to deal with that once the baby was born. I limited the amount of help that was offered, kindly asking family and friends to hold off on visiting. My hubby was home the first week, worked from home the second, and helped me get going in the morning the third week. By then I was able to implement a flexible schedule with my other kiddos to reduce the stress as much as possible.

It has now been over 8 weeks and I am thrilled to say that I have not experienced the depression like I had previously. Sure, I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed. And moments of bawling my eyes out. But then the moment passes and I continue to love my kiddos and love being a mom. So here is my encouragement to you.

Tips

Know when to say “no”: If someone wants to come visit, but you know that it is not the best thing for your family, it is okay to say no. Say it in a nice way, but make your boundaries known.

Know when to say “yes”: If you are about to go bonkers because you are with people under 3 feet tall all day, then invite a trusted friend over. Someone that won’t care that you are still in your pajamas and will hopefully bring you dinner.

Do something every day to feel normal: Maybe it’s simply to take a long hot shower and let someone else keep an eye on the baby. Think of it as mini spa treatment. Or perhaps watch your favorite show before doing that last feeding at night. Or go for a walk. Or continue your hobbies. Do something for yourself.

Be healthy: There are others that can explain the science of this better than I can, but there is definitely a connection between eating healthy food and feeling good. Eat healthy, avoid the junk food and alcohol. Unfortunately these are what our bodies crave when we are stressed.

Avoid unrealistic expectations of yourself: This is the one most women struggle with. When we expect more out of ourselves than is realistic, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and start to meltdown.

Don’t panic: If you are having a bad moment, know that it may just be a moment. Say you’re sorry if you lost your temper, or lean on someone you love if you need to cry. Tomorrow is full of grace.

Final Thought

The most important thing I want you, dear new mom, to remember is that you are not alone. We may have incredible super powers, but we all have our kryptonite as well.

Please, please, please, if you feel like you are struggling with postpartum depression seek help. Contact your midwife or ob/gyn. A great online resource is www.postpartum.net.

photo credit: Mindy Olsen

Check Out My Super Powers

Love, Parent, Stay SaneSeptember 3, 2015

One of the joys of homeschooling is getting to hear all of the quirky thoughts my seven year old has. I have always loved seeing his mind work and listening to way he explains things. When he was 5 years old he asked me, “Mom can you call your mom in heaven?” So sweet. I responded, “No Bud, it doesn’t work that way.” Very innocently he replied, “Oh, is your phone not that smart?” No. No it’s not.

With homeschooling, science is not required at the second grade level, so I let him pick what he wanted to learn about. It was no surprise that he chose animals. The boy is obsessed with Wild Kratts, and these wildlife cards that my hubby had as a child. Several weeks ago the lesson he was learning was about mammals, and what makes a mammal a mammal. You know, stuff like they give birth to live babies instead of eggs, they have fur or hair, they breathe with lungs, they have mammary glands, and are warm-blooded. After going over these mammal facts, my son asks me (you know what’s coming), “What are mammary glands?”

Now let me pause a moment and share with you that my son from the age of 3 has been a “boob man.” It’s true. He’s always been curious about them and noticed them early on. My approach has always been to just be matter-of-fact about it and not make it a big deal. At 3 he pointed to a boob and asked, “What is this?” At 4 he pointed to an undressed manequin in Old Navy and said, “Whoa! Those are some big nipples!” At 5 he asked, “Why don’t all girls have those balls of skin?” At 6 he started to ask, “Why do girls even have breasts?” I must say, I believe in each of those situations I handled myself quite well and maintained my composure while being direct and honest. Lord help me.

So back to the science lesson. I explained to him that it was the mammary glands that allowed mothers to feed their babies. And then I continued to say how incredible it is that can females not only grow a living thing within ourselves (keep in mind that I was 9 months pregnant at the time), but that our bodies are then able to feed the baby as well. He looked at me with awe and said, “That’s like a super power. I wish I had super powers like that.” I love him so much. What an incredible perspective. Yes, I am a woman and I have amazing super powers! I felt so empowered after that conversation with him.

“Yes, I am a woman and I have amazing super powers!”

And it is amazing, isn’t it? That life with a beating heart occurs from these two tiny things that join together. And it grows, with it’s very own blood type and separate DNA. And then, somehow, the mother’s body just knows to get it out at just the right time. And this tiny life that has never breathed air suddenly knows how to breathe. And this little mouth is equipped with a reflex to suck. And it grows and develops. It’s all designed so perfectly.

Perfect.

But it’s not always like that is it? The odds of conceiving are actually really slim. Miscarriage is an all too real risk. Birth defects occur. Complications in delivery happen. Not all babies get the hang of nursing. Children get sick. Families come apart.

But… But in this moment I am thankful and strong. I am thankful for the gift of these super powers. I am thankful for these children. And I will strive to hold them with strong arms and open hands and a loving heart.

What are your super powers?

photo credit: Brandon Morgan

The Couple That Works Together, Stays Together

Love, Stay SaneJuly 8, 2015October 9, 2016

My hubby and I love to do projects. Big or little, there is also something going on. Our problem is actually finishing a project before we start another one. I know not all couples enjoy working together (and honestly maybe shouldn’t), but for us it has definitely strengthened our relationship.

We’ve done little projects, like making a crafty-looking vase for our bathroom.

And major projects, like a complete gut rehab of our second floor.

And then plenty of in-between projects like the bunk beds we made.

As we were working on the bunk beds we were commenting to each other how much we enjoy working together and how blessed we felt. But then several weeks later we were helping a friend with one of her projects (gut bathroom remodel) and it was not the same experience. We were on edge with each other and making snippy remarks. So what was the difference?

Normally…

We are willing to listen to each others ideas and we don’t hesitate to question one another. It’s not taken personal. A lot of times our concerns are not valid, but there have been instances that we have caught one another from making a mistake or have simplified the process or have come up with an idea to make it even better.

We are both willing to be the assistant. Sometimes I take the lead and have him hand me things. Sometimes he takes the lead and I stand there and look pretty (and hold the board steady).

We give each other the freedom to make mistakes. On the bunk bed, there was one board that my hubby cut the wrong length. Too short. Kinda difficult to put that back on. Instead of getting frustrated with him, I assured him that it wasn’t a big deal and that we would just use that one in a different spot and I would go buy an additional board. And then when I miscalculated and bought the wrong length of board for the shelves, he assured me that it wasn’t a big deal and we ended up patching in a piece (that only my older son would ever see).

So, why were we having problem at our friend’s house?

Well…

It started with miscommunication. I thought he needed something, so I left and went to the store to get it, only to come back and he had moved forward without it and looked at me confused when I was telling him that I got what he needed. So the frustration started right off the bat.

Even though it wasn’t my house it very much felt like my project and I was the one giving direction. This particular day though there were other people helping and not room for me to be in there. I know that I have the freedom to tell my hubby if something needs to be done a certain way, not quite so easy to tell others. And unfortunately I felt like this was because I’m a woman and should not be telling men how to do “manly” projects. Now, I’m in NO WAY saying that they behaved in such a way to make me feel that way. I put that on myself, but it made me angry and stirred up all these resentments within myself that I of course blamed my hubby for (and the church, but that is a different topic for a different day).

And then, when there was something that had been done “wrong” I got all upset again and felt justified in my resentments. If I had been in there, this would not have happened. Now to be completely honest, this “wrong” was so utterly minor, it was truly a non-issue. But I was not quick to let it and go and assure him. Instead I felt the need to point it out and complain that it wasn’t done correctly.

Afterwards…

We of course talked about the major cloud of tension that was occupying the space between us. We talked about why I was peeved and what the deeper issue was. Because let’s be honest, so often what gets us all riled up is not even the real problem. So ultimately we walked away having an even greater understanding of the other. Marriage is great.

Final though…

Yes, we enjoy doing projects together, but maybe this doesn’t work for you and your spouse. Maybe for you it’s being able to play together, or have a shared passion or hobby. The key is to have something to share, that is challenging, and results in both of you growing closer to each other.

xoxo

Love My Enemy?

Love, Stay SaneJuly 1, 2015August 9, 2018

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” These are the words of Jesus found in Matthew 5:44. I grew up hearing, and being taught these words. They’ve always sounded good, something that all people should strive for, but not something that was ever put into daily practice. Perhaps it should have been.

A couple weeks ago a tragedy occurred that perfectly demonstrated what this means. After the shootings in Charleston, SC there were no riots in response to the evil that occurred. Instead, people came together and loved each other. I believe this is mainly due to how the family of the victims responded to the young man that forever changed their lives. They forgave him. They showed love to him.

I came across the story of a teen that, back in 1996, was willing to sacrifice herself to stop a mob beating of a man they believed to be a part of the KKK. Instead of joining in, or even standing by, she protected him. She showed love to him.

But what is LOVE? And who is our ENEMY? And what does this look like day to day?

Love defined:

attraction based on sexual desire
strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

The bible describes love as:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

There is a problem with “love” though, because it means something different to different people at different times and it can only be understood in certain ways within certain relationships. I’m not going to show love to a jerk at the grocery store the same way I need to show love to my three year old (who can also act like a jerk). And I’m not going to show love to the friend I just made the same way I show love to my hubby (that would be awkward).

In the case of the Charleston shootings, the families showed love by forgiving. The teen showed love by sacrificing. As a mother (especially those first couple of months) love is given with nothing in return. In a relationship with a spouse, it’s not uncommon to show love by being confrontational with a truth that they don’t want to hear. And sometimes (like with strangers and social media) we can show love by simply keeping our mouths shut.

This is where it gets even stickier. In a society where our closest “friend” is Facebook, we feel like we need to be honest and confrontational with “truth” claiming it is with the desire to show “love” (the definition of truth is a whole different topic). But that’s kinda like being confronted with how to parent your children by the clerk at Target. This actually happened to me, and you know what? It TICKED ME OFF!!! And now I avoid her line at all cost. So don’t be surprised if people start avoiding you because you are “lovingly” telling them that they are wrong.

Next question is, just who is our ENEMY?

Is it an abuser? A religious leader or organization? Rednecks? Conservatives? Liberals? The clerk at Target?

Back to the dictionary:

someone who hates another
someone who attacks or tries to harm another
something that harms or threaten someone or something
a group of people (such as a nation) against whom another group is fighting a war

To “love your enemy” does not mean that you agree with or condone the act that is offensive. It may mean that you have to forgive them (and possibly sever ties with them), or put aside your own wishes and sacrifice for them. Perhaps it means you confront them, or maybe you simply need to bite your tongue and not say anything.

But one thing that is perfectly clear, we must pray for them. Pray more than you speak. Or type.

I Got Screwed: Changing Our Perspective When Life Isn’t Fair

Love, Parent, Stay SaneOctober 4, 2014February 8, 2018

I got screwed. We all know what it feels like to have something unfair happen to us. We may need to change our perspective.

Here’s What Happened…

I’ve been running in this trail race series all year. It’s 6 races and you get points for whatever place you come in. Then at the end of the year they name an overall winner. Today was the fifth race and it was a 10K. So far I have come in 2nd place overall female 3 times, and 3rd place once. I felt like I would never get to come in first. Until today! I felt so good. Perfect weather, hubby running with me, and feeling good at a solid 7:30-7:45/mile pace. I was in first, with a solid lead. I was telling myself to not get too excited. Stay calm. Stay focused. And then it all slipped away.

We were suppose to be following yellow course signs. No problem. The course would be well marked they said. Well with about 3/4 of a mile left to go, there was a course sign that pointed left. Or so I thought. After realizing that I ran a complete loop, we figured out that the arrow was pointing the wrong way. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I was so angry. SO SO SO very angry. I had a good lead, but not that much. The other people apparently knew that the course didn’t go that way (although there were a few others that made the same mistake we did). I don’t know what place I actually ended up coming in at. It was too heart-breaking.

And then…

At the end, we did tell the race director, but all he could say was “sorry”. I then proceeded to vent to my sweet friend that was there as a volunteer because she hurt her Achilles. She understood, and shared my frustration with me, but I gotta say, she is so much nicer than me. She was feeling concern about people getting hurt out there because they wouldn’t be expecting that extra distance. That didn’t even occur to me. So as I was sulking, hubby says “keep it in perspective.” Not exactly what I want to hear. I was in a foul mood.

We leave to go get brunch (because crepes and lattes will improve anyones mood), and I tell him that I didn’t want to hear “keep it in perspective.” He further explained that I was totally right to be frustrated. He was frustrated too. It was really wrong what happened and poor on the race organization to not have it better marked. His point was, “don’t hurt anyone in your frustration.” Wow. What an insightful thought. My words can be really sharp, and that was very kind of him to try to calm me down before I could do damage.

So I’ve been pondering this, and I have some thoughts that I would like to share.

Thoughts…

First, I was happy that my kids weren’t there to see how I was acting. I definitely was not setting a good example. There have been many times that my older son has gotten angry because something wasn’t fair. And I’ve said to him “life is not fair” many times. I thought that I need to remember this feeling of life not being fair so that I can relate. It’s okay to feel frustration and disappointment, but are we going to hurt ourselves or others while we are pouting and throwing a tantrum?

Secondly, I began to realize that I was not mad I had to run further; I was mad that I didn’t come in first. What I wanted was recognition; A pat on the back. An “atta boy” as my father-in-law says. Wow, that’s petty. It’s not like there was a cash prize, or even a medal for that matter. Maybe I’ll have a piece of humble pie to go with my latte.

Finally, I did start to put it in perspective. I started to think of the things in life that truly aren’t fair. Yesterday a friend found out her mom has breast cancer. Screwed. Today a family member is going to spend time with a dear friend who has a rare type of cancer and can no longer take care of herself. Screwed. After the race my sweet friend told me of a guy that had a freak mountain bike accident and died. Screwed. On the way home I found out another friends sister is in the ER because a truck ran a red light. Screwed. When we got home our babysitter told us she just learned she can’t have children and has a mass in her brain. Screwed and screwed.

Thankful…

Life really isn’t fair. But we can still be thankful. I’m thankful for my husband that loves me enough to call me out. I am thankful for friends that make me want to be a better person. I’m thankful for where I live. And my health. And the ability to run.

I’m happy with my race today. I figure I just came in first in my 11K.

xoxo