Rachael

In Her Corner, episode 2

In Her Corner, Love, Stay SaneFebruary 7, 2016June 5, 2016

This is a series to learn about different moms and their different situations. Through interviewing these women and sharing their stories I hope that we can all have a better understanding and appreciation of each other. Hopefully we can support and encourage her “in her corner.”

Who she is…

A mom of 4 in her mid 40’s. She homeschools her younger two. Shuttles her older two to and from school and work. Sings at her church. Mentors college students. Teaches English at her homeschool coop, as well as teaches a college English course online. And she juggles doctor appointments and treatments for her third child.

Her third child is thirteen. As a baby he had reflux, only they didn’t know it because he was aspirating it. This led to damage in his lungs causing asthma. He currently still has scar tissue in his throat. Later he was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis, a type of arthritis which, for him, is mostly in his knees. This arthritis has also led to uveitis, inflammation in his eye that, if not treated, can lead to blindness. His treatment for this is to have an infusion of drugs every 3 weeks, without an end date in sight. Mentally he is a normal 13 year old boy, physically he is the size of a 5 year old. And they don’t know why. They’ve seen a geneticist and an endocrinologist, and have come to accept that even if they had a name for it, he would still need his symptoms treated in the same way.

“We keep our dishes down low in the bottom cabinet so he can get them himself and help unload the dishwasher and be a contributing member of the family. But the reality is if I try to let him do too many things on his own, somebody is probably going to try to report me to DSS! They’re going to be like, what is this woman doing letting this little kid run around?!?”

On any given day she may need to take her son to either the Rheumatologist, Orthopedic, ENT, Pulmonologist, Sleep Doctor, Endocrinologist, Geneticist, Oral Surgeon, or Gastrologist.

What her day looks like…

She rises early to read scripture, plan her day, and exercise with a friend. Then it’s breakfast, homeschool, doctor’s appointments, lunch, groceries, pick up children, and fix dinner.

There are parts of her homeschooling day that her children require her full attention, and other times they just need her present in case they have a question. During this time she checks in with her online class, answers emails, sends texts to stay in touch with friends.

“When my kids were younger, we had a much more structured schedule. But I have found it to be easier to think in terms of, this is what we need to finish in a week.”

What she struggles with…

She struggles with getting frustrated and overreacting. She forgets that her children are still young and still learning. She wants them to be more mature than they are, but she knows that what they need is for her to extend extra grace to them.

She also struggles with being easily offended. When her children don’t do the things that she wants them to, she takes it personal. She has a tendency to sit and fume and think that they have a personal vendetta against her.

“They didn’t leave their plate on the counter because they were doing it to me. They didn’t leave their pants in the bathroom because they were personally trying to get to me.”

What her strengths are…

Going to the Lord in prayer has always been natural for her. Whenever there is a concern, or dispute, her first response is to pray. She is continually living out her faith in front of her kids so they can learn from her example.

What her fears are…

She fears her children’s faith is not going to matter to them when they grow up. She has sacrificed as a mother and put things in her own life on hold believing that this would encourage her children to live with the same faith. Now her oldest is struggling with what she believes and is struggling with making certain life decisions.

“Did the past 18 years really make a difference?”

And this is scary for her. She wants to parent with passion and doesn’t want to change the way she feels about parenting.

What are her joys…

“That’s kind of hard right now. I know there are things that bring me joy. I kind of need to remember what they are.”

She does find joy when she sees her children learning and are self motivated and take personal responsibility. And when someone else brags on her kids she is encouraged. It’s easy to feel discouraged. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs.

“Nobody is coming in saying, ‘Thank you for making me clean my room.'”

She clings to the Bible verse that says, “don’t grow weary of doing good.”

What she wants you to know…

She is her own worst critic, and believes that most mom’s (including herself) feel like they are doing a horrible job. It seems that whatever decision a mom makes, she will second guess it. Moms are so hard on each other and themselves, comparing themselves to others. She wishes everyone would be a little kinder to each other. She is doing the best that she can, so please show her grace and don’t tell her how to parent her children.

“If I could [parent] any better or different, I already would have by now.”

How she stays sane…

Exercising helps her release extra energy. And she really enjoys walking with friends. If she is happier, then everyone else in the house is happier. Pouring into other people energizes her and makes her feel special and needed.

“All of that, and of course coffee!”

Oh mommas! We are all doing the best that we can. The Lord has given each of us our own particular children. No one can be a better mom to our children than us. No one. Let us encourage one another to be our own kind of mom.

xoxo

Expect Nothing, Gain Everything

Love, Parent, Stay SaneJanuary 31, 2016

My husband had (at least) two expectations that were not met when we got married. He thought I was going to make sweet tea everyday. And he thought we would fall asleep snuggling at night. He was disappointed.

Having expectations is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s kind of like having a goal. It’s something to work for and strive to attain. Without goals we would become complacent and stagnate. Some expectations, however, can rob us of enjoying what we have, and who we are with. It can discourage our souls and cause relationships to crumble. Let’s look at three areas expectations can cause disappointment…

Expectations of Others

Problems arise when:

The expectations are not communicated
The expectations are unrealistic

Spouse:

As a woman I possess the power to read my husband’s mind and completely understand what he is needing at any given moment. Or, maybe not. So why do I expect him to read mine? Why do I expect him to know that I need something done around the house if I haven’t asked him to do it? Why do I expect him to know that I am struggling with fear if I don’t share with him?

There have been many times when he has “read my mind” and did exactly what I was hoping he would do. If I would remove my expectations, then instead of feeling frustrated when they are not met, I would feel cared for when they were. I don’t want my spouse to meet my expectations due to the fear of what will happen if he doesn’t. Rather I want him to meet them so that it will bless me when he does.

I also ~~have learned~~ am learning that I cannot expect my husband to be someone that he was not created to be. He is calm, level-headed, and steady (and praise the Lord that he is). I, on the other hand, am not. So when I am getting worked up about something and getting frustrated with him that he is not getting worked up, I am not being fair. I am expecting him to suddenly be a different person (but seriously, isn’t that so maddening when you’re upset about something and the other person just sits there so calm!).

Children:

For some reason I feel like my nearly 8 year old and 4 year old should have their acts together by now. Logically I know this is ridiculous, but my frustrations would show otherwise. I feel like I should only have to tell them one time to stop rubbing their hands on the wall, or to wash their hands before eating, or to give the dog food AND water, or pick up toys before bed, or… If it is unrealistic to expect my husband to know what I want, how can I expect this from my children. Of course, I don’t have to tell my husband to wash his hands, but for now I do need to tell my 4 year old. My 4 year old: I have to Tell. Him. Everything. He’s four. My 8 year old, I give hints. “What do you need to do before bed…?” And give him a chance to realize he needs to put his 4 million Lego’s away.

I’m still learning who my children are. I’m learning that my oldest may be super competitive with his brother, but not with friends. I want him to be competitive with sports, because he has the talent and that’s “what you’re suppose to do.” We keep putting him in sports and I keep getting frustrated that he is not aggressive enough. I’ve had a lightbulb moment. I’m trying to make him be someone he is not. And the thing is, I like who he is. He is sweet, and compassionate, and friendly.

Expectations of Ourselves

Problems arise when:

We are expecting ourselves to be someone we are not
We are expecting to achieve something unrealistic, and/or in an unrealistic time frame

I love to have dance parties. At home. With my children. I have always loved dancing. I have always danced badly. Thankfully, ever since college, this has not bothered me and I have accepted that I can’t dance and it doesn’t stop me from still enjoying myself. But when I was in middle school this was heartbreaking. I tried out for the dance team. Twice. Got cut on the the first go round. Twice. This is alright, I’m not scarred. But I did have to learn and accept the fact that this knobby knee’d girl looks awkward even doing the electric slide. After accepting this I was able to find a new love, running. And I still love it.

It’s also harmful to expect too much from ourselves within certain time restraints. I was naturally a good runner, but when it came to competing I expected too much too soon. My first race was 1500M (just shy of a mile) on in indoor track. I actually envisioned myself winning. Ended up I got lapped. I was expecting too much (and maybe a tad unrealistic) too soon.

After years of training I ended up running at a fairly competitive level. But I never “won gold.” And I was ok with that. There is ALWAYS somebody faster, smarter, wealthier. The most we can expect is our best. As long as we are doing that, we are good.

Expectations of Situations

Problems arise when:

We try to control outcomes
We depend on those outcomes

So many things are out of my control: taxes, weather, jobs, other people. And if I try to control those things I will end up living a life that leaves me feeling completely disappointed. There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed when bad things happen. But ideally we don’t stay in that place, and instead use it as an opportunity.

My husband and I were married 15 years ago on a Friday. It just happened to be the 13th. As the ceremony was about to begin, I could hear people whispering around me in the room I was waiting in. Stress was rising. My sister-in-law came to me and said, “Remember what I said earlier about today being just a ceremony and that it’s your marriage that matters? And that there is bound to be something that will go wrong? Well, your florist thought the wedding was tomorrow. You have no flowers.” So I walked down the aisle holding tight to my dad with both arms. I rocked the no-flowers thing. People thought we did it on purpose.

It’s fine to plan and prepare, but then let go and remember what the main purpose is.

To Sum It Up…

Life would be more peaceful if we could live without unrealistic expectations. Even so, do expect to have expectations and remember it’s alright to “mess up.” That’s why we get to start over the next day.

Want some marital advice? Expect nothing.

Want some parenting advice? Expect nothing.

Want some how-to-enjoy-life-more advice? Expect nothing.

Expect nothing, and gain everything.

xoxo

Happy Helpers

Parent, Stay SaneJanuary 24, 2016February 7, 2016

Most of the time my boys are happy to help. They feel important and needed. And this is good, since they are important and needed. But notice that I said most, not all of the time. Sometimes they gripe and complain and act like I’m asking them to go chop down trees to build a log cabin. And sometimes they are just simply clueless.

When it comes to day to day events to encourage helping others, we talk through different scenarios. I prepare them ahead of time that I will need them to hold the door open for me. And when they do, I praise them for being such kind gentlemen. And if we see someone in the parking lot or store that drops something I tell them to go and help. And this is great because they will get praise from someone other than me.

However, I have by no means accomplished the day to day training. Or the chore training either, for that matter. But I do believe we are on the right track.

The Chore Chart

When my oldest son was five we started paying him a little to do some chores. It didn’t take long for me to lose track of this. It was sporadic, and inevitably I would be out of change and try to remember to pay him later. Which I wouldn’t. I can’t remember stuff like that. I was losing the opportunity to reward him for the work he was doing. I knew I was going to need to use a chart. I saw some ideas that I liked, and then tweaked them to make it work for us.

On the left is a line for each child with a pool of chores and that may possibly need to be done. On each of these is the amount that will be paid for the chore. At the start of each week I put what needs to be done in the “To Do” column. Once the task has been done it is moved to “Completed.” It stays here until I pay them. That way I do not forget. Then it gets moved back to the pool. The chart is kept in the laundry room (as you can see in the reflection). This is a highly trafficked area and it is at their eye level.

Supplies needed:

Magnetic board (I bought mine at IKEA for $12.99)
Washi tape
Magnets with adhesive backing
Foam sheets
Permanent marker

Notes

Family contribution chores (dishes, making the bed, picking up toys, feeding the dog) are expected to be done without payment. These are simply just contributing as a member of the family.

I give them until Wednesday to do the paid chores without being told. If they do this, they get paid double. If I tell them to do the chore, on Wednesday, they get paid stated amount. If they complain while completing chores, they work for free. If they refuse (this has not yet happened), then they pay me to do their chores.

This teaches them that sometimes you work to just help. It encourages them to work by their own initiative without being told. And it shows them that laziness will cost you money and affect others.

Thrive in the Mundane

Stay SaneJanuary 17, 2016January 29, 2016

I’m an adventure seeker, risk taker, and a dreamer. And I’ll admit it, I don’t mind a little drama every now and then. Where I struggle is when life is mundane. When it’s the same thing day after day after day. I do like routine, don’t get me wrong. It helps me not have to think so much. But I need a good challenge thrown in there with it.

Driving through the mountains is more enjoyable than driving through corn fields. But much of our life is like driving through the fields of Indiana. Straight and steady. With some windmills (I don’t know what they are an analogy for, it’s just the only thing that’s exciting on I-65).

Right now, I’m driving through Indiana. And I’m not even to the windmills yet. I don’t want to just survive the mundane life. I want to thrive.

Motherhood

This past week I have wanted to turn in my resignation. The only problem is, my job is being a mom. I love my children fiercely, but some ~~days~~ weeks I just want a break. I want to lay in bed and not change diapers, or feed other people, or wash more clothes. I don’t want to say, yet again, “be nice to your brother,” or “get your hands off the wall,” or “you need to help with the dishes.” Day in and day out. When will they ever learn?

How do I thrive?

I talk to people that are a step or two or twenty ahead of me. I need to know that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. I need to know that I’m not alone. I need to know that it is not just me. And I need someone to laugh with at the ridiculousness of it all.

Faith

When life is mundane, my faith is truly tested. Not when facing trials. For me trials bring me closer to The Lord and closer to other people. But doing dishes, and laundry, and feeding children, and wiping noses (and butts), and doing life day after day makes it difficult to feel spiritual.

How do I thrive?

I meet with other believers. When I am in drought, I gleen from their wisdom. When I am unable to pray, I listen. When I am bored with my life, I encourage theirs. We were designed to live out our faith with others.

Marriage

Usually when we go through a period of time where we are just going through the motions, it ends with a bit of an explosion. This then results in good conversation, a deeper understanding of one another, and a closer bond. But I don’t want it to require getting to that point.

How do we thrive?

We should probably not turn the tv on after the kiddos go to bed, but to be honest, that’s all I want to do. I am mentally tired and I just want to drink a glass of wine, watch a silly show, and not think. I don’t want to have deep meaningful conversations every night. But I do want to be with him. So we made it a requirement to sit next to one another while watching a show. And preferably snuggle.

That works for the day to day, but we do need to be able to have deeper conversations and connect sometimes. And the kiddos cannot be there. They just can’t. This means having regular dates (night or day-we actually prefer morning dates). For us it’s once a month. That works with our budget and is typically enough to get us through the next few weeks.

Health

I can eat healthy for several days in a row, and then get so bored with it that I binge on hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes. And doughnuts. I can’t resist the doughnuts. Also, I can exercise regularly for a stretch of time, and then completely lose interest in it.

How do I thrive?

“If we do the same thing we will get the same thing.” This is what my health role model always says. Pretty much we need to mix up the exercises and meals. Running is my thing, but I also cycle, swim, and lift weights. To continue eating healthy, I allow myself to “binge” on a meal once a week, then return to eating healthy. No guilt allowed.

With all of these, I have to remind myself that I am doing what I am meant to be doing and I don’t want to be doing anything else. I want to be healthy, and a good mom, and a loving wife.

Do you struggle with this? Hang in there, mommas! The day to day can wear us down, but know that we can persevere. We don’t want to merely survive the mundane. We want to thrive. How do you thrive within the mundane in your relationships, jobs, etc?

xoxo

In Her Corner, episode 1

In Her Corner, Love, Stay SaneJanuary 10, 2016June 5, 2016

Who she is…

She is a mom like many others. Maybe even a bit like you and me. She wants what is best for her son and is trying to figure out the best way to do it. Where her story may differ is with her son. It was recently confirmed what she had long suspected: Her four year old son was diagnosed with autism. Now, when she is deciding what school to send him to there is more weight as she considers all the variables. Now, when she is planning her days she needs to consider all the events that may increase his anxiety.

What her days look like…

Even though she has just the one son, she is on the go a lot. He is in school for half a day, 5 days a week. During the school day she is either working or volunteering or feeding her soul in a Bible study. She would like to find a moment to relax, but usually finds herself eating lunch in the car and trying to find time to use the restroom. After school she juggles a busy schedule including appointments for speech, early intervention, and occupational therapy.

With all of her busyness, and stress, and frustrations, as well as joy and excitement, she finds that she needs to rely on prayer, family support, and exercise to get through each day with her sanity.

What she struggles with…

She struggles with patience. She’s a no-nonsense kinda gal. She wants to instruct her son in a calm tone, knowing it is more effective. But sometimes she resorts to raising her voice which only temporarily addresses the issue, and leads to more difficulties later (as a child with autism he copies to excess, so when she yells, he yells). He is not yet able to identify the reason for his emotions, which tend to be explosive, and this is frustrating for her. She wants to know what the problem is so she can fix it. But he is just not able to tell her.

She struggles with being controlling. She wants him to do what she wants him to do when she wants it done. She aims to allow him to be his own person. To let him learn and grow to be the person he is meant to be.

What her strengths are…

Her past experience of being a teacher has taught her how to plan and schedule while being able to bend when something unexpected arises. Each week she has a plan so her household flows smoothly. In the mornings, over breakfast, she talks with her son about the day ahead and does role-playing so he will know what to do and say in certain situations. Or perhaps it includes looking at pictures online of new places they will be going. But even with all her preparations and planning, there is sure to be something that will come up. And that’s when she makes the most of the moment and teaches him how to be flexible and adventurous.

What her fears are…

When her and her husband received their son’s diagnosis, she felt alone. She was jealous of other “normal” families and felt that people couldn’t, and wouldn’t, understand. She was afraid that she would be stuck in this hardship forever and never experience the “sweet spot” of parenting where she could relax and enjoy the moment. But her biggest fear has been that her son would get to the point of where he feels uncomfortable in his own skin, and feels hurt because he is different.

What her joys are…

From these fears have come the joys of finding community and experiencing the goodness of people. By speaking up, she has found other families to journey with that are facing this same challenge. People that have and are walking the same road have been there to encourage her and support her with advice and recommendation

Her fear of watching her son struggle socially is balanced with the joy of seeing the progress he has made with how he interacts with his peers. It give her hope for the future. She is believing her son is going to be ok. Some days are so easy and some days are so hard, but she knows that he is doing his best each day. And she is doing the best she can the skills she possesses. And she knows that tomorrow is a new day.

What she wants you to know…

She needs you to know and trust that every child and every family is doing the best they can and are trying to do what is best. Ideally we could accept that people in general are doing the best they can. Also, please know that children with special needs need a pat on the back. People don’t realize how much work went into accomplishing a simple task that many take for granted.

I Am Enough

Love, Stay SaneJanuary 3, 2016

This here is a safe place. A place we can be honest. A place we can trust each other. So please allow me to speak from my heart.

I have often felt like I am ruining my children. And am critical of my body. And am disappointed in myself, annoyed by myself, and frustrated with myself.

But…

Not as much as I once did. (Hallelujah!)

There are times I do not react to my children in the right way. And at times I don’t make healthy choices. At times I do disappointing things, annoying things, and frustrating things.

But…

I am not those things. (Hallelujah!)

I changed the dialogue in my head.

I was already doing this for my children. I speak over them what I want them to be. Sweet, loving, hard working, good. Not always easy to do. Sometimes I want to call them punks, brats, selfish, and annoying. And sometimes they are acting like those things (I’m not unrealistic). But they are not those things.

This may seem so awkward at first. Like you are lying. I assure you, you are being honest with yourself. I guarantee there has been at least one moment in your life you achieved the trait you are aspiring to live out. Think about that time, and speak it over yourself with faith.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Repeat After Me…

I am loved

I am healthy

I am beautiful

I am enough

I am kind

I am generous

I am happy

I am patient

I am fun

I am confident

I am wise

I am a good mom

So what do we do with ourselves when we do fail to be what we aspire to be? Acknowledge it. Confess that it was wrong. Ask for forgiveness (from God, our spouse, our children, our friends). And say…

I am forgiven!

Our actions do not have to define us, but can if we allow them. If we will change the dialogue in our heads, our actions will follow.

Finally, [mommas], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

xoxo

ps. Don’t forget to subscribe. Subscribers have access to my new meal plan “Dinners for a Month” for free! Save money and reduce your time in the kitchen.

Mashed Potatoes

RecipesDecember 29, 2015

Ingredients

8 medium red potatoes, chopped, peel on
1/4 cup butter, sliced
1/2 cup milk
1 Tb salt

Directions

Step 1: Place potatoes in large pot, cover with water. Boil for 10-15 minutes or until potatoes are tender.

Step 2: Add butter, milk, salt and mash with either hand masher or electric mixer.

Price Breakdown

8 medium red potatoes $1.64
1/4 cup butter $0.47
1/2 cup milk $0.12
1 Tb salt $0.03

Total: $2.26 for 6 servings

$0.38 per serving!!!

Healthy Sloppy Joes

RecipesDecember 29, 2015

Ingredients

1-1.5 lb ground turkey
1 chopped onion
12 oz tomato paste
1/2 c water
1 Tb red wine vinegar
2 Tb Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup brown mustard
1 tsp salt
Buns

Directions

Step 1: Brown meat with onion.

Step 2: Add everything else and stir. Let simmer for 30 minutes.

Price Breakdown

1-1.5 lb ground turkey $5.54
1 chopped onion $0.27
12 oz tomato paste $1.24
1/2 c water
1 Tb red wine vinegar $0.06
2 Tb Worcestershire sauce $0.27
1/4 cup brown mustard $0.22
1 tsp salt $0.01
Buns $2.68

Total: $10.29 for 8 servings

$1.29 per serving!!!

Sauteed Asparagus

RecipesDecember 29, 2015

Ingredients

1 lb asparagus
2 Tb olive oil
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp salt

Directions

Step 1: Pour olive oil in skillet on medium heat. Add asparagus, garlic, and salt.

Step 2: Stir occassionally for 10 minutes.

Price Breakdown

1 lb asparagus $2.97
2 Tb olive oil $0.18
1 tsp minced garlic $0.03
1 tsp salt $0.01

Total: $3.19 for 4 servings

$0.80 per serving!!!

Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Red Potatoes

RecipesDecember 29, 2015December 29, 2015

Ingredients

8 medium red potatoes, chopped, peel on
2 lb bag of frozen brussels sprouts
2 Tb olive oil
2 tsp salt

Directions

Step 1: Preheat oven 350 degrees

Step 2: Place potatoes and brussels sprouts on foil lined cookie sheet. Drizzle with oil and sprinkle with salt.

Step 2: Place in oven for 20 minutes, stir, and return to oven for additional 20 minutes.

Price Breakdown

8 medium red potatoes $1.64
2 lb bag of frozen brussels sprouts $2.97
2 Tb olive oil $0.18
2 tsp salt $0.02

Total: $4.81 for 8 servings

$0.60 per serving!!!