“Having survived horrendous trauma in the foster care system, Tina is now an Advocate, Wife, and School Teacher”
My Beginnings Should Have Looked Different
Hi, my name is Christina, but you can call me Tina.
I’m a former foster child placed in foster care with my brother and adopted together in 2001.
We were born into a generational cycle of abuse and neglect. I ended up in foster care after being abandoned (before abandonment laws were in place) at only a few months old. My bio family was broken and their own lives were void of healthy support, so the cycle was meant to continue. That is, until me.
This is my story, full of messy redemption and ongoing healing. I lean on my faith, community, family, counseling, having a service dog, and a psychiatrist. I wish my story was unique, and that foster kids are brought into a system that is focused on their healing. But the years of abuse and neglect in the foster care system left its harrowing impact.
The trauma I experienced created damage to my physical brain, and opened my heart to CPTSD, and other mental health struggles. And yet I am still here fighting for my healing, and those coming before and after me in this broken system.
Being Adopted was Love and Pain
The mix of joy and grief associated with adoption is something I’ll never be able to walk away from. The joy of having my adoptive family meant losing my first family. The loss was inevitable and it is why adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide. It’s also why kids in foster care experience PTSD in numbers far too great.
Adoption is worth celebrating, but at the same time, traumatic. Adoptees can feel this in many ways and layers. Every experience is different but it’s always in the realm of “and” instead of one or the other.
I love my adoptive family and I’ve grown to appreciate my parents even more as an adult. The healing doesn’t end as an adult. The struggles I face are still there despite being in the best family ever. The point is, a safe and loving family doesn’t fix all that trauma. It takes YEARS of hard work.
My family is STILL helping me fix the trauma I experienced. It doesn’t end when I’m an adult and I get married. If you know me in real life you know that I do love my family.
Sharing about my struggles isn’t blaming them – it’s just sharing the realities. You can be the best parents ever but if you decide to adopt a child who experienced trauma it requires extra “grace” as my mom says. You’ll just need to face reality – their wounds are deeper than you can ever completely heal. You can be an important person in their healing but complete healing will never come this side of Heaven.
What my Adoptive Parents Did Right
There are so many things my adoptive parents did right. And I am eternally grateful for their support and love. Here are a few to maybe help you understand the complexities.
- They made space for our grief and feelings around holidays/birthdays. They knew we missed our mom but also thankful to be apart of their family.
- While most of my Hispanic culture was taken from me before they adopted us, my adoptive family tried their best to include what they knew of my culture. Thankful that there are much better resources now for adoptive parents to learn and support a cross-cultural adoption.
- They cherished our baby albums of our first family. While it’s hard to sit in those tough questions, they knew how important it was to keep these photos available to us as kids and now adults.
- Teaching me to understand and accept my conflicted and sad emotions. I never had to put on a brave face or keep things from my mom. She knows that I love her, and puts me first in not being offended by my pain.
- They celebrated my first mom, even when I wasn’t ready to. They knew that she gave them a beautiful gift of my life and always wanted to make space to honor that.
What Trauma has Continued to Steal From Me.
I see how foster care affected my relationships, friendships, and my marriage. But I’ve learned to trust people in a healthier manner and not let myself give up entirely on things because of the compounded neglect and abandonment I suffered. My healing is far from over and it is a lifelong journey with harder and smoother seasons. At times, I have flashbacks of the neglect/abuse and it overcomes me with grief. I try to console myself that those things won’t happen to me again.
My trauma has crept into every aspect of my life. There are times that I’m overcome with the feeling I won’t be a good mother one day. Mainly because I never experienced nurturing as a young child. To have bonded in a way that all babies need to thrive. That lack is something I feel a deep loss in and I see how it affects my relationships and fear of being a mother.⠀
There is a Beautiful Life Ahead
I couldn’t have asked to be married to a more supportive man. He is not scared by my big thoughts and losses. He has read my story on paper and he’s seen what I went through as a small child. My husband may not know what my losses are like, but he feels the grief. Finding someone who will step in and be who you need them to be, and do what you need them to do, is paramount in healing.
Becoming a first-year teacher at the beginning of COVID was a huge challenge. I have done my best to support my kids and team well, but I realized that I needed to give that same support to myself. There has been so much change in my life this year from finally meeting my bio mom, to buying my first home, bringing home Maverick my service dog, and of course, trying to navigate first-year teaching during COVID! Having a well-rounded support team is so important in the midst of serious mental health challenges. Right now I am currently seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist to tackle some new diagnoses and symptoms. I know that I am not alone in these, my hope is that we can cancel the shame and stigma and fight together, honest and well.
Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:
Dear Tina,
When I read your story here and posts on social media my heart often goes back and forth from heartbreak to celebration. Your authenticity and bravery to show the world the beautiful and messy journey of healing is exactly what this community needs. Thank you so much for leaning in to do the hard work and sharing your roadmap with us, so that we can create our own. My hope for you is that this year brings a lightness and peace that has yet been known to your tired, but open heart. I dare not call you strong, because you did not deserve the need to be strong. But I will call you brave, and honor you for all that you have done to normalize the challenges of post foster care and adoption healing. You are so loved friend!
You can find Tina on Instagram @tinaa_bauerr
This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.
