Now a Mother herself, Melinda gives us a glimpse of her journey towards healing by learning to love on her inner child within.
“Filthy, disgusting, bizarre, animal-like behavior, out of control, wild, unruly, covered in feces, smelled of urine, unkempt, dirty looking…”
“I was more than that,” I whispered to myself reading my former Children’s Aid Society file. I wanted to add words to that incomplete page. Melinda was a resilient and happy little girl. She was a great sister. Melinda loved with all of her heart. I was so much more than the way I looked and behaved back then. The professionals that wrote those harsh words in my file should have seen all of me, not just the exterior that mirrored the hell I was living in.
This file of my time in foster care wasn’t something I planned on reading. It was the file that shared my story, and filled in all the gaps I wondered about from my childhood. After suffering a long bout of postpartum depression I realized that there was something missing in my experience of motherhood. I was looking into the faces of these beautiful babies that I created out of love and safety and felt immense pain. There was a deep longing to find closure and understanding for all the scars being ripped open by this depression. My search for that file did bring some closure, but it also came with a painful journey of discovery and remembering the horrors that I knew as a child.
The Tornado of My Truth
The words from that file had become a jumbled, painful mess to read in the present day. It pained me even further to face the actual truth of what I experienced as a child. In that moment of reading them, the black-inked letters escaped the pages in front of me, rapidly spinning like a tornado above my head. Then, I remembered everything. I saw it all once more. I felt it in my heart; the neglect, the abuse, the fear, loneliness, homelessness, shelters, motels, the streets, mom’s boyfriends, and being torn from my mother and separated from my siblings. I felt the pain of my inner child inside me as she hit the walls of my heart with her fists.
This flashback tornado was pulling everything into its eye and destroying everything inside me. I’m not sure I can go on. I became so overcome with emotion. I picked up the disheveled pile of papers and stacked them neatly in front of me, hoping it would help me make sense of it all.
Facing the Reality
Even though the present is full of love and protection I couldn’t help imagine if it had been the crying faces of my own two daughters, wandering alone in my old crime-ridden neighborhood, ‘filthy,’ hungry, and begging for affection. I would go to the depths of the earth to protect our girls. I began sobbing and couldn’t stop because I was swimming in a sea of emotion, completely submerged in the tears that I wept. At this point, I allowed myself to be honest and faced this raw giant wound that was finally coming to the light inside me.
Then, I felt angry at my mother for leaving me unsafe and vulnerable, for being selfish and making poor decisions, and for repeatedly putting us in harm’s way. I felt sorry for the little girl within me who had endured so much trauma and resentful of my childhood and wished I had been born to a mother who showed she loved me and a father who stayed long enough to meet me. Heavy, I felt burdened with sadness for my mother; I knew I loved her, but didn’t know how to forgive her. Lastly, I cried because of how thankful I was to be a wife and a mother, and not just a mother, but a really good one.
This emotional experience revealed to me that I needed to get to my inner child. I knew the self-inflicted incision would cause me further pain and I didn’t want to revisit the life I had tried so hard to hide. I needed to love and to allow myself to be loved. Mostly, I wanted to heal and God kept knocking on the doors of my heart.
A Moment With My Inner Child
I cried out to Him, God, you promise you are with me always and I really need you right now. Take me back to the little girl within me. I’m ready.
I placed both of my hands on my chest and closed my eyes; to rip open my calloused heart and rescue the little girl with matted hair and tear-filled eyes. I wanted to strip the layers of darkness from them and to erase the stories they told. I heard God’s gentle whisper:
You can’t leave her there alone, Melinda.
She needs to be with you.
With my eyes still closed, I envisioned meeting my younger self in a place of solace and rest; a place of healing. I imagined I stood on the edge of the mountainside, looking out to the world below me. I saw the setting sun in the distance as its rays danced along my flowing hair, displaying the strands of red beneath. The wildflowers surrounding me were proudly showing off their colours, pointing their faces toward the light that gave them life. I felt the shadows receding as the warm sun kissed my face. The breeze blew like a whisper, making the tail of my dress tickle my toes. It all felt so real and safe.
It seemed as my younger self called out our name. I imagined her weakened, small frame walking toward me; her hands grazing the tall grass on either side of her. She lowered her head and stopped. Standing in front of me was the eight-year-old girl living within me.
“Look up, sweetheart“
Bending at the waist, I imagined placing my soft hands under her small chin, supporting her face. Patiently waiting for her to raise her glance from the weeds below up to my eyes.
I saw her and I saw myself. I saw the pain in her eyes as it seemed she cried out for a mother, a father, anyone to love her. Then, I saw myself as a baby, crying aloud for anyone to hold and comfort me. She looked at my lips as I spoke softly to her.
“Little girl, what happened to you is not your fault. Please, let me hold you.”
With what seemed like real tears escaping the corners of her big brown eyes leaving a clean, wet trail down her dirty cheeks. I explained to her how far I had come in my life and the journey I was still on to find healing. I apologized for not taking her with me sooner and for leaving her alone for so many years inside myself. Then, I cupped her face, and used my thumbs on either side to swipe her tears downward. I grabbed hold of her small hands and whispered,
“I’m taking you with me this time. You will never be alone again.”
Our journey towards deep inner healing was about to begin. We stood hand-in-hand together on the edge of the cliff in my soul. While it felt freeing to be on top of the world, I knew it would only take a single gust of wind to push us over. I squeezed her hand, assuring her of her safety. If we were to fall, we’d fall together.
Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:
Dear Melinda,
Your journey towards healing seems to be taking you on quite the adventure. What bravery and courage it took to face reading your past file. I am so proud of you friend, you deserve all the healing and love that is possible. Thank you for sharing such a raw part of your upcoming book, I absolutely can’t wait for others to read and be inspired by what you have overcome. The amazing mom and wife you are now, is already a fierce testament to the healing you have walked through and the sacrifices made to give them what you didn’t receive. I am astounded by your openness and thankful to have you apart of this collective!
If you would like to follow Melinda’s journey too, feel free to connect with her on Instagram @fosteringmyinnerchild
