Category: Inspiring Hope Collective

“Helping to understand how a former foster youth can become stuck in survival mode, even after aging out of the system.”

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As a young child. I never knew there was an alternative to experiencing abuse. I always assumed that there are kids with beds, food, and kind parents, and then there are kids like me. Having never known foster care was something that existed, I always thought you were just sentenced to cope with your reality regardless of how fair it seemed. I accepted this truth before I even aged into double digits. My young childhood was riddled with consistent visits from police officers, roaches crawling over my body as I slept on the floor, and panhandling for change so that I could get a meal. Then I turned twelve. 

They’re Going to Take You Away From Me.

“You’re going to regret this!” My dad screamed to me as he was forced down the stairs of our apartment building by the police officers. They were always called to our apartment unit, but this time was different. This time I made the call. I left the situation I thought I had taken care of to go spend time with a friend, but not even an hour went by and the police had come back, this time for me. They took me to the police station where I met with my mom, and we were sat in a small room guarded by an officer we hadn’t seen before. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and show only strength, but my mom laid her head on my shoulder and sobbed. “They’re going to take you away from me,” she kept repeating.

“Stop crying, no they’re not,” I replied irritably. I wanted her to comfort me, not the other way around, as it had always been. I assumed my familiar role, though, and let her continue to cry. Hours went by, and eventually, to my utter surprise, the decision to remove me from my home and place me in foster care was made, and there was nothing I could do about it. My mom threw her arms around me, screaming, and I stood silent – frozen. The police and the social worker took me out a different way as my mom was held back. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. 

Survival Mode Activated

My first foster home was a Spanish-speaking household, but I didn’t speak Spanish, so I had to rely on the foster mother’s son to translate for me whenever she had something to say. It was terrifying being ripped from my own idea of normal and tossed into an entirely new situation where I couldn’t even communicate to anyone properly. My second foster home seemed like it was going to be a good place, and I was confident my mom would get me back. Everything seemed to be falling into place, I thought. Then, I found the search history and pictures on my foster dad’s phone and started to notice all of his secretive actions and behaviors around my non-verbal autistic foster sister. When I brought this up to my foster mom, she said that it was normal for men to act the way he acted, and eventually they kicked me out because I wouldn’t comply with their lifestyle.

My third foster home was overcrowded, and I often had to give up my bed for a new girl. There were pincher bugs, expired food, rats, and we were allowed to go wherever and do whatever regardless of what the courts had ordered the foster parents to do. Girls were constantly going missing and the home was constantly investigated, but nothing ever came of it all. We truly were just numbers in this home, dollar signs even. My fourth foster home’s family wanted to live a separate, clean life away from the foster children they took in. We had a separate area of the house, separate times we were allowed in the kitchen, separate dishes that needed to be bleached after each use, and we were absolutely forbidden from straying from any of these extreme boundaries. When our bathroom flooded and needed professional fixing, instead of using the other two spare bathrooms we were told to walk a couple of miles up the hill to shower and use the restrooms at the community pool. My fifth foster home was my final foster home. 

Adoption Seemed like the Best Route

I moved into my fifth foster home when I was fourteen, and the plan was for them to adopt me. My mom failed to do her classes and drug tests and ended up getting arrested and losing her ability to get me back when I was in my third and fourth foster homes. Social workers had reached out to all my biological family members to see if anyone wanted to take me in, but it seemed that no one wanted to take on the responsibility of the child my mom had after up and leaving her other three. So, adoption seemed like the best route to take. After a little over a year of living in this home, I was officially adopted. Unfortunately, it was also when my panic disorder was first diagnosed and my mental health started to rapidly deplete. With easily triggered PTSD, Panic Disorder, and self-harm issues, I was very suddenly far more than the family could handle. After getting arrested for shoplifting, an action that made me feel something other than pain and conflict, they decided I was too much, and asked me to leave their home. 

Moving on in Survival Mode, Alone

So at seventeen I was working, on probation, and trying to finish high school, all on my own. It had felt like I was never on the same timeline as my peers, always having to be in survival mode. I craved normalcy so often but was only ever met with a lack of security. Years later, I still get calls from investigators who have questions about my third foster home. My adoptive mother met with me and admitted that she was “in over her head” in regards to deciding to take me in. My parents and biological family have remained the same. I, on the other hand, have consistent nightmares and struggle with the feeling of normalcy I once craved so desperately.

Having to be in survival mode my entire life, from being beaten as a child to being kicked out of an adoptive home I thought would be my new “forever,” it’s no wonder I have a hard time accepting calm over chaos. With all of that being said, it’s safe to conclude that one thing is for certain when you’re so used to simply surviving, normal doesn’t feel normal, and everything presents itself as a possible threat, even in adulthood. Foster youth and adoptees struggle in adulthood because of the lack of consistent safety and repetitively they should have received as children. Because of this, it’s important to ensure that former foster youth and adoptees have and are aware of the ample resources available to them as they enter adulthood because that support doesn’t come automatically for them as it may for their peers. I know this all too well!

Letter From Inspiring Hope to You,

Dear Jessica,

Goodness Love, I am so honored that you shared your story and truth with me and this collective. Every moment of this journey should have been met with kindness and care. My heart aches for the lack of justice and protection in your story. The survival mode you have walked in for the majority of your life isn’t fair, and I truly hope this current season of your life is met with healing and compassion. So many in our society do not understand the complexities and challenges foster youth face being in the system so long. The mindsets, fears and trauma are like mounting barriers to living a life that mirrors the youth of today that know so little of what you have walked through. While I truly wish different for you, I am grateful that you are brave enough to use your voice and allow us to learn how to do better. Sending so much love your way.

You can follow Jessica on Instagram @Jrosewritesalot and her book “Trash Bag of Memories” https://www.amazon.com/Trash-Bag-Memories-Jessica-Castillo-ebook/dp/B09HWWN7NN/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=trash+bag+of+memories+book&qid=1634619363&sr=8-3

This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.

“This Former Foster Youth shares the letter she wrote to her past 17-year-old self about healing and her identity.

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Authenticity and Losing Fig Leaves

Someone asked me last week what I would want to tell my 17-year-old self right before I aged out of foster care. I started to answer her question but froze. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t hold back the weight of what my heart was experiencing. Trauma has a funny way of bringing up a waterfall of emotion and pain sometimes. There are a lot of cliche responses I could have just spouted out, but this moment felt different. A pull to go deeper and really let my thoughts form without filters or fig leaves.

Fig leaves? I heard a talk recently about how the biblical story of Adam and Eve can shed light on our historical inclinations to cover up our true selves. We hide behind defense mechanisms that are no longer working in our favor because we are inherently fearful beings. It’s not something we have to be shameful about. It’s our instincts to want to protect ourselves from greater rejection if we are not found in perfect love. After hearing this talk I have made every effort to have greater authenticity, regardless of how I am perceived.

Being created in perfect love is the greatest source of my identity, not my experience or lack. I am not my story, and most of it isn’t my fault. Letting go of the shame that didn’t belong to me allowed me to start learning who I am. Being connected to the greatest source of love has changed everything inside me.

A Letter of Honesty and Hope to My Younger Self

A week later and I have finally penned my thoughts and wishes to my 17-year-old self.

“Dear almost adult, Remember all those times growing up that you were certain that turning 18 was a magical number? That you would finally have the freedom to go find your healing. Well, we were always right. There is beauty and healing everywhere and you will travel the world to find the deepest layers of it. The mountains of Switzerland and the coasts of Honduras brought you so much joy and connection to God. But it was the breathtaking faces of all the other humans you met that would actually fill you the most.

While aging out of foster care brought a whole new set of challenges and levels of loneliness, you will constantly think back to the young man you met in Ghana that would give everything to have the life you do. You will think of his pain often and pray peace over him, hoping that he found his healing too.

That compassion inside you will be a fire to pull you through unimaginably hard seasons. It reminds you that no matter how empty you may feel, there is always more love available to give. While you will aimlessly volunteer and do all the things to fill your life for the wrong reasons at times. You should be proud that you refused to throw a pity party and will end up doing some good instead. And don’t worry, you will get better at loving people and eventually become a mom and a counselor to be that fills your heart to overflow in purpose.

Unexpected Gifts Ahead

Be warned, there are some seasons ahead that you will be so sure that you can’t survive. It’s okay. While you shouldn’t have to be so tough, you truly are. You will find a way to create beauty from almost anything, and you love sharing it with others. You learn to really love your ADHD and realize that God gave it to you as a superpower. The older version of you never stops moving forward and is able to find energy for joy in the midst of the darkest nights. Those really dark times at 3 am where you are pretty certain you won’t make it to sunrise, God meets you there, I promise. You learn later that fighting well is actually learning to rest well, and lean into the one that loves you best.

One day you will discover that God is actually a perfect father. That he desires a level of intimacy with your heart that will put you back together with a foundation that will never again be wiped away. You experience a level of assurance through his love that fills all the spaces that once seemed to never find healing. You realize that healing isn’t what you think it will be. It’s no longer about the absence of pain, but the addition of comfort that is freely given and joyful in being poured out. This will be the greatest season of your life so far, because you lean into someone that has been leaning into you, your whole life.

Finding Yourself in the Life You Worked so Hard For.

One day you will wake up in a beautiful life that you worked so hard for. It will be full of wonderful community, family, and meaning. You will break the harrowing statistics of foster care that once filled your heart with fear. Then you will create a path forward that brings light and the possibilities of hope for others. You will give away so much and yet be filled with a greater measure in return.

Don’t hold back on keeping your heart open to love. The risk is high, and I won’t lie to you that it doesn’t work in your favor over and over again. But the times that it does, will change your life and those around you. Right now at 17, you feel unloveable, unwanted, and better off for everyone else to be kept unseen. But one day you will be seen and embraced by more people than you can imagine, and it will scare you but also inspire you to keep digging deeper towards truth. To that stubborn hope deeply rooted inside of you, it knows that you are found in love now. It looks to the future with the expectation of even more beauty ahead.

I promise kid, there is way more good ahead than what you are leaving behind in foster care. A whole world of adventure and good ahead.”

Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear Annonymous,

When I read this post, I could absolutely imagine you reading this to your 17-year-old self who has no idea what the next 10 plus years will be like. I can see why God does not allow us to see into the future. We may not want to go through with our journey if we knew the pain awaiting ahead. It makes me even more appreciative that Jesus came to save us with the constant knowledge of the suffering he would endure to death.

I am rejoicing with you friend. This beautiful life you have found yourself in has seemed to push you deeper towards God’s heart. Thank you for being vulnerable and paving the way for us to shed off our fig leaves so that we can find more authentic healing. I know you are remaining anonymous for safety reasons, but I am sending a giant virtual hug and a thank you for sharing your story.

“Having survived horrendous trauma in the foster care system, Tina is now an Advocate, Wife, and School Teacher”

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My Beginnings Should Have Looked Different

Hi, my name is Christina, but you can call me Tina.

I’m a former foster child placed in foster care with my brother and adopted together in 2001.

We were born into a generational cycle of abuse and neglect. I ended up in foster care after being abandoned (before abandonment laws were in place) at only a few months old. My bio family was broken and their own lives were void of healthy support, so the cycle was meant to continue. That is, until me.

This is my story, full of messy redemption and ongoing healing. I lean on my faith, community, family, counseling, having a service dog, and a psychiatrist. I wish my story was unique, and that foster kids are brought into a system that is focused on their healing. But the years of abuse and neglect in the foster care system left its harrowing impact.

The trauma I experienced created damage to my physical brain, and opened my heart to CPTSD, and other mental health struggles. And yet I am still here fighting for my healing, and those coming before and after me in this broken system.

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Being Adopted was Love and Pain

The mix of joy and grief associated with adoption is something I’ll never be able to walk away from. The joy of having my adoptive family meant losing my first family. The loss was inevitable and it is why adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide. It’s also why kids in foster care experience PTSD in numbers far too great.

Adoption is worth celebrating, but at the same time, traumatic. Adoptees can feel this in many ways and layers. Every experience is different but it’s always in the realm of “and” instead of one or the other.

I love my adoptive family and I’ve grown to appreciate my parents even more as an adult. The healing doesn’t end as an adult. The struggles I face are still there despite being in the best family ever. The point is, a safe and loving family doesn’t fix all that trauma. It takes YEARS of hard work.

My family is STILL helping me fix the trauma I experienced. It doesn’t end when I’m an adult and I get married. If you know me in real life you know that I do love my family.

Sharing about my struggles isn’t blaming them – it’s just sharing the realities. You can be the best parents ever but if you decide to adopt a child who experienced trauma it requires extra “grace” as my mom says. You’ll just need to face reality – their wounds are deeper than you can ever completely heal. You can be an important person in their healing but complete healing will never come this side of Heaven.

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What my Adoptive Parents Did Right

There are so many things my adoptive parents did right. And I am eternally grateful for their support and love. Here are a few to maybe help you understand the complexities.

• They made space for our grief and feelings around holidays/birthdays. They knew we missed our mom but also thankful to be apart of their family.
• While most of my Hispanic culture was taken from me before they adopted us, my adoptive family tried their best to include what they knew of my culture. Thankful that there are much better resources now for adoptive parents to learn and support a cross-cultural adoption.
• They cherished our baby albums of our first family. While it’s hard to sit in those tough questions, they knew how important it was to keep these photos available to us as kids and now adults.
• Teaching me to understand and accept my conflicted and sad emotions. I never had to put on a brave face or keep things from my mom. She knows that I love her, and puts me first in not being offended by my pain.
• They celebrated my first mom, even when I wasn’t ready to. They knew that she gave them a beautiful gift of my life and always wanted to make space to honor that.

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What Trauma has Continued to Steal From Me.

I see how foster care affected my relationships, friendships, and my marriage. But I’ve learned to trust people in a healthier manner and not let myself give up entirely on things because of the compounded neglect and abandonment I suffered. My healing is far from over and it is a lifelong journey with harder and smoother seasons. At times, I have flashbacks of the neglect/abuse and it overcomes me with grief. I try to console myself that those things won’t happen to me again.

My trauma has crept into every aspect of my life. There are times that I’m overcome with the feeling I won’t be a good mother one day. Mainly because I never experienced nurturing as a young child. To have bonded in a way that all babies need to thrive. That lack is something I feel a deep loss in and I see how it affects my relationships and fear of being a mother.⠀

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There is a Beautiful Life Ahead

I couldn’t have asked to be married to a more supportive man. He is not scared by my big thoughts and losses. He has read my story on paper and he’s seen what I went through as a small child. My husband may not know what my losses are like, but he feels the grief. Finding someone who will step in and be who you need them to be, and do what you need them to do, is paramount in healing.

Becoming a first-year teacher at the beginning of COVID was a huge challenge. I have done my best to support my kids and team well, but I realized that I needed to give that same support to myself. There has been so much change in my life this year from finally meeting my bio mom, to buying my first home, bringing home Maverick my service dog, and of course, trying to navigate first-year teaching during COVID! Having a well-rounded support team is so important in the midst of serious mental health challenges. Right now I am currently seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist to tackle some new diagnoses and symptoms. I know that I am not alone in these, my hope is that we can cancel the shame and stigma and fight together, honest and well.

Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear Tina,

When I read your story here and posts on social media my heart often goes back and forth from heartbreak to celebration. Your authenticity and bravery to show the world the beautiful and messy journey of healing is exactly what this community needs. Thank you so much for leaning in to do the hard work and sharing your roadmap with us, so that we can create our own. My hope for you is that this year brings a lightness and peace that has yet been known to your tired, but open heart. I dare not call you strong, because you did not deserve the need to be strong. But I will call you brave, and honor you for all that you have done to normalize the challenges of post foster care and adoption healing. You are so loved friend!

You can find Tina on Instagram @tinaa_bauerr

This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.

“The story of a former foster youth’s journey back to self-discovery after years of following the road laid out for her by others, a road that didn’t include a gap year.“

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While aging out of foster care in 2019 there was a strict path proposed to me for when I graduated high school. My social worker shared all the grim statistics of other young adults like me aging out and explained that college was my only ticket to making it in life. What I wanted was to take a gap year. To go find a passion that could help me build a life I wanted and to aid in separating myself from the struggles I was leaving behind in foster care. A whole year to do nothing but travel the world and find what made me come alive again.

But the harsh statistics and reality for those who age out of foster care was blinding to the voices of those around me who had always made decisions for me. And in wanting to please my social worker I chose a false safety net built from her fears and not what I felt was right for me.

Off to College, and Not a Gap Year

At 18, I went to a private Art School in Boston. Instead of my soul-searching adventure, I left for an expensive design school a plane trip away from all the supports I knew. It was challenging, and I wasn’t finding the joy in fashion that I thought was there. Which is interesting because I realize now that it was a dream of my previous adoptive mom. She was in love with design, and through many confusing years of love and abuse my perceived passion was manipulated into being mine. While I was there, I had many thoughts about leaving, but everyone was so proud and my biggest fear was that they were right. That I wouldn’t be successful without college right away, almost like I couldn’t be trusted to be my own person. They were all wrong to try and put me in a small box.

Oh COVID…

When Covid hit, having classes move online was brutal. My grades tanked and I was barely hanging on. So I finished that semester best I could and dropped out. Being in foster care, I always had a sense of things never working out for me. I had to create my own stability and happiness. Chasing dopamine through shopping, coffee, and driving my jeep was therapy for me. And while I appreciate healing in actual therapy, those healthy alternatives were better than trying to cope the way I saw so many other former foster youth. I refused to be another statistic, but I was so far from self-love and happiness.

I had a single foster mom take me in a few years ago, and she has been a balanced voice of reason and encouragement for who I wanted to become. When I dropped out, she was there and probably really excited that I was living at home again. We craft together all the time, and it’s life-giving for me. Not the soul-sucking art classes I tried to survive back at school. When I shared the idea of going into the army, she got to crafting and made herself some really cool army mom decals. It showed me that she believed in me, and was willing to walk alongside me.

Let’s try Boot Camp

I have always loved medical shows and being nurturing to those around me. Grey’s Anatomy taught me well, and while I am sure I could save your life already, I thought finding a medical program I loved to license me sounded more practical. I was able to sign with the Army with the job I wanted working as an Operation Room Specialist. The only thing standing in my way was boot camp and several years of medical school. Things started really well until I and every single person in my barracks got COVID. After being super sick and having major complications, I was medically discharged from the Army. I was devastated but knew that my body needed me to put it first and really heal.

The best thing to come from that season in the Army is the realization that I perform really well under pressure and that my talents are in the medical field. I came back to NC to start classes towards being an EMT and then eventually a Paramedic. I passed my license for NC as an EMT and I have now accepted my first full-time job. Would I have come to this conclusion earlier if I had taken the time to go travel as I wanted, or the time to find myself from a gap year like I always planned?

For the Future

It’s not too late for me to build a future I want, it just feels unnatural and terrifying to go against the safest route. Years have passed since aging out and I feel called to take control of my future and go find myself and what makes me come alive. The path of the unknown with so many statistics stacked against me is risky. Yet, leave it to me to beat all the odds. I have a great family and support system now. They believe in me and I am so thankful. Most young adults aging out do not have a safety net of family. Without them, maybe it would be best to take the safest route towards building a life. But it shouldn’t have to be that way.

My Hope for Those Aging Out Behind Me

Go find those that allow you to use your voice. It’s okay to listen to wisdom and have others you trust to speak into your life. But do not let other’s define your future. You are capable of great things, but it will take hard work. Try not to settle for what you may feel you are worth. I promise it all won’t feel so heavy and hard all the time. The world is actually quite fun and amazing! It’s so healing to let the tight grip of fear and others’ expectations go a bit and really embrace the messy of learning who you truly are. And who you are is worth it, I promise!

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Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear Emily,

Congrats on passing the EMT boards! You will do amazing things in service to others. I absolutely cannot wait to see all that is in store for you in this next season of self and life discovery! It takes so much courage to not follow the safest path and to go find what makes you happy. You have such an amazing long happy life ahead of you! I am so thankful that you took the time to share your story and heart with the Collective. We are better for hearing this truth, and look forward to a follow-up story someday on what you have discovered!

This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.

An authentic story about how change is the only constant thing about foster care. A raw perspective from an aged-out foster youth.

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The Hard Road of a Child in Transition

Some of my earliest memories included hating school, playing with my two older sisters and falling in love with the horses we owned. My world changed when I was removed from my birth family. I bounced around in foster care until age 6 when I moved to North Carolina. A family there adopted my middle sister, Emma, and me.

My first impressions of this new family was that I had hit the jackpot of kind, caring folks. If I showed you the elaborate photo album my adoptive mom made, you might even be jealous. But I can tell you the sad reality for each of those fake photos. The smiles in the photos may have been real for a moment, but I learned to make the most of things when I could. Trying to be positive gave me a bit more control over my life. That hasn’t changed much, but my story’s constant theme is change.

At the end of 8^th grade, the truth came out when my sister was kicked out of their home. She stood up for herself and shared about the abuse that was taking place. Being rescued out of that situation was a good thing, but then being dumped in a group home with my sister hit a new level of cruel. We only had to endure the complete loss of freedom for that summer. But the emotional scars of that season still haunt me.

My Teens Years Started with More Uncertainty

Thankfully, a single foster mom, Amber, stepped up to take a chance on both of us teens. We were now living in a house full of pets, fun outings, and a loving home. My previous adoptive mother passed away from cancer in the year after we moved in with Amber. It’s so hard to explain how confusing and painful it was to walk through that season of grief. I still have the little white Christmas tree she gave me. Love and grief are not always easy and straightforward in foster care. I lost a piece of my soul that never had the chance to be redeemed with her. It’s really hard to sit with the truth sometimes that she is actually gone. And those waves of grief are driven by the tension of pain and yet some relief that I am free to find real unconditional love.

My time at Amber’s was full of fun and making normal memories, so many little moments that make life meaningful. I knew I was cared for and thankful for all that she put up with having her first go at motherhood being two teen girls. If it wasn’t for the brokenness in the foster care system, I would probably still be living with her.

It’s a constant in foster care for things to change quickly and without much say. Not sure why the earth can’t stop spinning for just a moment to be still. It’s in the stability that we grow deep and then blossom. Without warning I was leaving Amber’s and separated from my sister for the first time in our lives, and into the home of another stranger. The only cause of my constant change was the fact that I was a teenager in foster care. There is not anything wrong with me. What is wrong, is a broken system that needs redemption too.

Never-Ending Change

A few more moves later and I found myself alone in another group home. My sister turned 18 and aged out of foster care, so I was on my own. My anxiety became the worst it’s ever been and the mounting fears of never leaving the group home left me hopeless. Anything felt like it would be better than having no freedom. It was like a punishment for not belonging. Even so, I was a good student, with decent behavior and loads of fun to offer a family. It felt like my social worker had abandoned me, just as most folks who made appearances in my story so far.

After months in the group home, a family stepped up that originally seemed to have good intentions. They did rescue me from that awful group home, so for that I am grateful. But as I moved in with them and started the process of adoption, it was clear that they did not have my best interest at heart. I felt even more alone and invisible to the biological children they obviously loved more. It was heartbreaking to see yet another season of my life pass where I didn’t feel home.

A previous foster parent whom I had for only a month the year before, rushed to purchase a home just so I could move in with her. She made space in her life so I could feel loved and wanted. She is only 10 years older than me but somehow I just knew I would be safe with her. Our adoption will soon be complete and the only moves I will make from now on are toward my dreams. While it’s still hard at times to embrace the idea that I am safe and wanted, I feel like I can finally take a deep breath. I now know that even while the earth keeps spinning my feet won’t be pulled out from underneath me again. I feel hope growing deep and that equally scares and inspires me.

Where am I now?

My 2020 consisted of training my own service dog. I named her Bella Rose and together we are creating the life I always wanted. I am a freshman in college and pursuing my dream of being a dog trainer to help others have access to the aid of a service dog. Living with C-PTSD is rough, and social anxiety is the worst, but I love the independence my service dog allows me. We make a great team! And that’s what I hope others will have too. The freedom to go create a beautiful life despite the hard things.

Good support is key! I am so thankful for Bella Rose, my sister, new adoptive mom and all the wonderful people around me who are encouraging me along this journey.

My hope is for you to find yourself in a life you love. You first have to learn how to love yourself and embrace everything that has lead you to this moment. You can do it, dogs help!

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Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear Friend,

Your story broke my heart hearing it again. You coming alive despite the hardships and constant change in your life is astounding! I am so proud of where you are going in life. The joy you are choosing to walk in while you wait to get there is inspiring. I know it’s not always easy, so I am so thankful for the support you have.

I truly pray our community out there reading this is finding love for themselves like you mentioned. Walking that out can be so tricky and hard coming from such adversity, change and unknowns. Sofia Bush, an actress, said in an interview, “You are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress”. We are all works of progress with mounds of hard stuff to work through. It makes us no less of a masterpiece! I am thankful for stories like yours, even though I wish it was different. You not only survived all of this, but now you are wanting to build a life giving other’s a chance of support through having a service dog too! Wish you the absolute best in your freshman year and beyond!

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This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.

“An accomplished young woman shares how healing from her past in foster care created a new path forward to finding her true calling.“

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The Honestly Adoption Podcast

I found Jai through this incredible podcast. She was a guest on an episode called, “How Caregivers Can Better Prepare Foster Youth for Adulthood”. She was so brilliantly well-spoken and I loved the hope I felt listening to her story. On the podcast, she talks about entering foster care at 16 to find unconditional love from a foster mom. She also shares how she aged out of a system that left her to figure things out on her own.

Jai is also a public advocate for policy changes. She consults with Foster Care agencies to teach how to best support aging out foster youth. In the podcast episode, she shares how 80% of the homeless near her are former foster youth. Listening to the heartbreak in her voice is compelling. Recent statistics say that nationally, less than 3% of foster youth who age out will obtain a college degree. After many challenges and hard work, Jai has crushed that statistic and many more!

Jai’s Challenging Beginning and the Impact of Being Fatherless

As a first-generation Caribbean-American, my early years reflected the experience of the Black-American community I was raised in. Growing up in the projects of Staten Island, it was typical for Black-Americans to be raised by a single mother. The recurring theme of fatherless families conditioned my thoughts, actions, and behavior to believe that this social construct was the “norm” for little girls who looked like me. This eventually manifested itself as abandonment, which I would carry well into my adulthood. 

A 4 Letter Word that Held Me Back

The search for “home” is ongoing. After living in 7 states and attending 17 schools, it was quite difficult to pinpoint where home was. Colleagues and friends innocently ask, “Where is home for you?” without knowing how painful those words are for me to hear. At about age 24, I realized that the word home was a trigger for me. Simply because the idea of home was too closely connected to my identity.

The story I told myself growing up was that I was abandoned and forced to experience the hardships of foster care because I grew up without my father. The mental, emotional and spiritual agreement with that toxic belief manifested itself as me not being able to locate where “home” was for me. Once I stripped my identity of being connected with “home” and focused my identity on who I was in Christ, the healing process with that simple 4 letter word began. This process is ongoing simply because healing is a process driven by everyday choices. 

Choosing a Different Path Than I Set Out For

What drove me to age out successfully and “fight” the system, was my desire to become a doctor. After managing to spend 3 years in college, perform research, travel abroad and experience a life I never thought I would attain, I found myself empty. At 22 years old, I remember accepting a partial scholarship to Virginia Tech Carilion School of Medicine through a guaranteed admissions program. Finally, I was one step closer to following my dreams of becoming a doctor right? WRONG!

After writing my personal statement, and accounting the events that took place the last 7 years of my life, I was forced to face my past, trauma, and pain. As I took account of the trauma I’d experienced until that point, I reflected back on my life and wept. Upon sharing that personal statement with the Dean of Admission, she was amazed by my story. But she had one simple question for me. “Why do you want to be a doctor?” This was the beginning of the end of that seemingly sure season in my life.

Shortly after that I dropped out of school all together and went on a search to find Jai. I wanted to know who Jai was. I wondered what her God given gifts were and the purpose she would serve here on this Earth. During these 3 years, I dealt with shame, inadequacy, and doubt however. But in the end I truly met myself. This time spent away from the educational system set me free from feeling boxed in and being defined by my C average grades.

A New Focus in Moving Forward

Upon discovering my “why” and how I could best contribute to humanity, I was in the best position to find a career that aligned with who Jai was to the core. During these three transformative years of my life, I pondered five life-long questions that led me on a path to healing, destiny and purpose. Those questions that I discovered from the late Myles Munroe are

• Who am I?
• Where am I from?
• Why am I here?
• What can I do?
• Where am I going?

Answering these 5 questions about my life put me in alignment. It gave me the best chance at walking in my destiny and experiencing a life of healing I never knew possible. My years of being in foster care are behind me. This newly-healing Jai is coming back to truly see others find themselves freer and bolder to chase their true callings.

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Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear Jai,

I have been so inspired by your journey to give back and live out your personal faith so well. You exude so much grace and peace! I am so thankful you allowed wise voices to help redirect your life to a space that brings you life and God the most glory. Your redemption is still playing out friend, and I pray that so many blessings will fill your life this year! Was in absolute tears reading your struggles with the idea of “home”. I know myself and many out there will resonate with your struggle and the hope you offered.

Even with the mounting challenges and struggles of facing your past, the work you are doing in policy, writing, and stepping up to be a strong voice is changing lives. So proud of who you allowed God to mold you into despite having every reason to quit. We are just beginning to see all the incredible plans he has for you, thanks for gracing us with your wise words and heart.

If you would like to follow Jai’s journey as well, feel free to follow her on Instagram @jaimecca or purchase her book here

You can also follow this amazing podcast community @honestlyadoptionpodcast and listen to Jai’s Episode below!

How Caregivers Can Better Prepare Foster Youth For Adulthood

This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.

An adoptee’s view on the complexities of attachment and insightful guidance to best support those struggling with relational trauma.

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Abandonment and attachment keep coming up everywhere I seem to look lately. And then my life smacked me upside the head with both recently as I reconnected with my former foster sister. Abandonment and attachment are both crucial aspects of my life as an adoptee. As my therapist so accurately explained to me, “Attachment is the wound of adoption.” Nail. Hit. On. The. Head.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll never stop saying it: Adoption is trauma.

Abandonment, no matter when it occurs, creates attachment issues, even as a baby! 

Adoption is Trauma

It is crucial for an adoptee to experience healthy attachment in every way, especially healthy emotional attachment. This is necessary to try and heal that primal wound. 

When I’m going through tough things, my response is to take flight, shut down, put up the walls, and try and fix my stress away. It is so hard for me to sit in the hard, allow myself to feel the hard, embrace the hard and all the waves of emotions that comes with it. It is even more challenging for me to let people in and sit in the trenches with me, comfort me, and tell me they aren’t going anywhere. I wonder if a lot of fellow adoptees and foster youth feel the same exact way.

In the hardest seasons of life, when stresses amplify or my support system shrinks back, I see this primal wound of attachment rear its ugly head.  So, I try to fix the hard, and if I can’t fix it, I try to push off talking about it. Finally, I just shut down and say I don’t want to talk, because it’s feels safer.

My body so desperately holds onto the feelings of stress, abandonment and hurt. My nervous system is trying to protect me from struggling through them again. It is reminding me of how I didn’t see much emotion modeled growing up; how I never really had a place to let out the ugly; I never really felt I was heard. So it just got stuffed down. I have to do a better job of sitting in the hard letting myself deal with the emotions. I need to lean into my husband and support system, and allow myself to fully attach to them. 

Being Hit in the Head with Attachment and Abandonment

Recently, after 10 years of separation, I reunited with a former foster sister. She spent years growing up with me and we formed a very tight bond. For reasons that aren’t mine to share, she was in and out of our home for a while. There was a few visits following her adoption by another family. However, the visits were so challenging, they had to eventually stop all together. Looking back, the visits and our connection with her should have continued! Hard doesn’t mean end it and give up. It means work through the hard, and find resources to help deal with it, not eliminate it!

The reconnection with her and then having to say goodbye again, brought to memory so much anger and fear that my younger-self faced. Anger that our deep connection was suddenly severed, and fear for what she might endure without me. My body in return felt EVERY SINGLE thing that my previous self felt. Feeling the familiar waves of abandonment, I realized my body had kept the score perfectly and it was holding on to the trauma. Even though my mind didn’t remember the details well, my body remembered EVERY SINGLE ONE and I was forced to feel them all over again.

Attachment Struggles after a Life of Transition

Adoptees go through attachment being formed with birth family and then ripped away. Most of us also struggle with attachment in the context of foster parents and siblings. In the worst of circumstances, some of us also struggle with it in the context of potential adoptive families. Attachment unfortunately is an ongoing issue for a lot of us. Having to attach to people we grow to love, and then being ripped away from them, over and over again.

As an adoptee, I don’t want to feel the hard; I try to run away or fix it. After my experience of reuniting with my foster sister, I finally understand why adoptive and foster (and maybe even bio parents) sever contact with a previous family. It is because it’s hard, and hard just feels impossible sometimes.

How to Love on a Foster Youth/Adoptee

With that being said, if you are an important adult in a foster or adoptive child’s life, please make every effort to not sever relationships with those we have formed bonds with. Please don’t give up on us; we so desperately need that connection. Yes, it will be hard and yes, we will show our emotions through tantrums and hard behaviors. Instead of giving up, provide us with resources, like therapy, to help with the hard.

And goodness! Please, please, please emotionally attach to us when we are going through the hard struggles of attachment.

• Be present with us. Look us in the eyes and tell us you will work with whomever to continue contact.
• Make sure we feel safe to show the hard behavior instead of having to stuff it down. We are often told we are acting like a victim and that you do not have time to deal with our hard stuff.
• Don’t give up on us. Emotionally shutting us down, not providing a safe place to show our hard behaviors, and not endlessly pursuing us intentionally, is giving up on us. 

To all my Fellow Foster Youth/Adoptees

If you are a foster or adoptive child, keep fighting to attach. Don’t give up and put up the walls forever. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be cherished. The heartache will be worth it. Someday you will find that person or community who loves you unconditionally, letting you show your full ugly and love you regardless. You are enough. You are worthy. Don’t stop fighting to find someone who will tell you this, because these are the exact sentiments of your heavenly Father. He has put people on this earth who will strive to love you just like He does.

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Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear April,

It sounds like you have done so much hard work in trying to understand yourself and others. I am sure that was really helpful after growing up and feeling the weight of abandonment and attachment struggles. Knowledge is power, and it can help take the shame out of how natural our bodies stress responses are! So we are left to deal with our challenges, and not the incorrect self diagnosed flaws in our identity. The score you mentioned that our bodies keep isn’t always fair. And it can feel like the balance never tips in our favor towards healing. But it does, and we do find healing in ways we would never expect. Even in the midst of really hard things like missing your sister.

Your story is very similar to many who have braved the complexities of foster care/adoption. Abandonment and attachment can be cruel thieves in our stories, but I so love following your life now on social media. It’s beautiful and yet so honest and real. Healing isn’t linear or always pretty, but as you said, SO worth it! You are amazing friend, thank you for sharing your truth with us!

Take Care,

Inspiring Hope Collective Team

If you would like to follow April too, you can find her on Instagram @mercy.and.healing

Now a Mother herself, Melinda gives us a glimpse of her journey towards healing by learning to love on her inner child within.

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“Filthy, disgusting, bizarre, animal-like behavior, out of control, wild, unruly, covered in feces, smelled of urine, unkempt, dirty looking…”

“I was more than that,” I whispered to myself reading my former Children’s Aid Society file. I wanted to add words to that incomplete page. Melinda was a resilient and happy little girl. She was a great sister. Melinda loved with all of her heart. I was so much more than the way I looked and behaved back then. The professionals that wrote those harsh words in my file should have seen all of me, not just the exterior that mirrored the hell I was living in.

This file of my time in foster care wasn’t something I planned on reading. It was the file that shared my story, and filled in all the gaps I wondered about from my childhood. After suffering a long bout of postpartum depression I realized that there was something missing in my experience of motherhood. I was looking into the faces of these beautiful babies that I created out of love and safety and felt immense pain. There was a deep longing to find closure and understanding for all the scars being ripped open by this depression. My search for that file did bring some closure, but it also came with a painful journey of discovery and remembering the horrors that I knew as a child.

The Tornado of My Truth

The words from that file had become a jumbled, painful mess to read in the present day. It pained me even further to face the actual truth of what I experienced as a child. In that moment of reading them, the black-inked letters escaped the pages in front of me, rapidly spinning like a tornado above my head. Then, I remembered everything. I saw it all once more. I felt it in my heart; the neglect, the abuse, the fear, loneliness, homelessness, shelters, motels, the streets, mom’s boyfriends, and being torn from my mother and separated from my siblings. I felt the pain of my inner child inside me as she hit the walls of my heart with her fists.

This flashback tornado was pulling everything into its eye and destroying everything inside me. I’m not sure I can go on. I became so overcome with emotion. I picked up the disheveled pile of papers and stacked them neatly in front of me, hoping it would help me make sense of it all.

Facing the Reality

Even though the present is full of love and protection I couldn’t help imagine if it had been the crying faces of my own two daughters, wandering alone in my old crime-ridden neighborhood, ‘filthy,’ hungry, and begging for affection. I would go to the depths of the earth to protect our girls. I began sobbing and couldn’t stop because I was swimming in a sea of emotion, completely submerged in the tears that I wept. At this point, I allowed myself to be honest and faced this raw giant wound that was finally coming to the light inside me.

Then, I felt angry at my mother for leaving me unsafe and vulnerable, for being selfish and making poor decisions, and for repeatedly putting us in harm’s way. I felt sorry for the little girl within me who had endured so much trauma and resentful of my childhood and wished I had been born to a mother who showed she loved me and a father who stayed long enough to meet me. Heavy, I felt burdened with sadness for my mother; I knew I loved her, but didn’t know how to forgive her. Lastly, I cried because of how thankful I was to be a wife and a mother, and not just a mother, but a really good one.

This emotional experience revealed to me that I needed to get to my inner child. I knew the self-inflicted incision would cause me further pain and I didn’t want to revisit the life I had tried so hard to hide. I needed to love and to allow myself to be loved. Mostly, I wanted to heal and God kept knocking on the doors of my heart.

A Moment With My Inner Child

I cried out to Him, God, you promise you are with me always and I really need you right now. Take me back to the little girl within me. I’m ready.

I placed both of my hands on my chest and closed my eyes; to rip open my calloused heart and rescue the little girl with matted hair and tear-filled eyes. I wanted to strip the layers of darkness from them and to erase the stories they told. I heard God’s gentle whisper:

You can’t leave her there alone, Melinda. 

She needs to be with you.

With my eyes still closed, I envisioned meeting my younger self in a place of solace and rest; a place of healing. I imagined I stood on the edge of the mountainside, looking out to the world below me. I saw the setting sun in the distance as its rays danced along my flowing hair, displaying the strands of red beneath. The wildflowers surrounding me were proudly showing off their colours, pointing their faces toward the light that gave them life. I felt the shadows receding as the warm sun kissed my face. The breeze blew like a whisper, making the tail of my dress tickle my toes. It all felt so real and safe.

It seemed as my younger self called out our name. I imagined her weakened, small frame walking toward me; her hands grazing the tall grass on either side of her. She lowered her head and stopped. Standing in front of me was the eight-year-old girl living within me.  

“Look up, sweetheart“

Bending at the waist, I imagined placing my soft hands under her small chin, supporting her face. Patiently waiting for her to raise her glance from the weeds below up to my eyes.

I saw her and I saw myself. I saw the pain in her eyes as it seemed she cried out for a mother, a father, anyone to love her. Then, I saw myself as a baby, crying aloud for anyone to hold and comfort me. She looked at my lips as I spoke softly to her. 

“Little girl, what happened to you is not your fault. Please, let me hold you.” 

With what seemed like real tears escaping the corners of her big brown eyes leaving a clean, wet trail down her dirty cheeks. I explained to her how far I had come in my life and the journey I was still on to find healing. I apologized for not taking her with me sooner and for leaving her alone for so many years inside myself. Then, I cupped her face, and used my thumbs on either side to swipe her tears downward. I grabbed hold of her small hands and whispered,  

“I’m taking you with me this time. You will never be alone again.”

Our journey towards deep inner healing was about to begin. We stood hand-in-hand together on the edge of the cliff in my soul. While it felt freeing to be on top of the world, I knew it would only take a single gust of wind to push us over. I squeezed her hand, assuring her of her safety. If we were to fall, we’d fall together.

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Letter from Inspiring Hope to you:

Dear Melinda,

Your journey towards healing seems to be taking you on quite the adventure. What bravery and courage it took to face reading your past file. I am so proud of you friend, you deserve all the healing and love that is possible. Thank you for sharing such a raw part of your upcoming book, I absolutely can’t wait for others to read and be inspired by what you have overcome. The amazing mom and wife you are now, is already a fierce testament to the healing you have walked through and the sacrifices made to give them what you didn’t receive. I am astounded by your openness and thankful to have you apart of this collective!

If you would like to follow Melinda’s journey too, feel free to connect with her on Instagram @fosteringmyinnerchild

“A blog collective sharing raw stories of hope and inspiration from those that are living out their new beginnings post aging out of foster care.”

Hi there,

I am so glad that you have found your way to this space. The Inspiring Hope Collective is being built with the focus on those who have experienced childhood adversities in or out of the foster care system. Through storytelling, interviews and lots of encouragement, the hope is that your soul will find a soft landing spot here. Also that you will feel a bit more understood and cared for.

How to move forward after aging out of foster care.

I personally know the system well, unfortunetly. The trauma that is carried beyond case workers, court visits and being a file number still holds a deep weight in my heart. Having 10 years of space between myself and a broken system, has given me more clarity and healing that I hope this space will facilitate in your own heart. That season of going from foster teen to aged out youth was an ending in my story that launched a beautiful beginning. I learned to find my voice to help create authentic community. I invite you in to bravely search your soul and trust this space to join this collective of storytellers.

With that being said, I have four questions for you.

1- Have you experienced adversity that led to disruptive challenges in your home life?

2- Have you ever struggled to call anything home, because even surrounded by people you still feel alone? It’s okay if the answer is no, share your truth!

3- Any seasons, relationships, dreams, etc that have felt like endings but were actually beginnings?

4- Do you have a story that you think the world should know?

There is purpose and healing in community.

These questions are a bit deep and personal. But I want to be upfront and share that our heart in knowing you is to create the safest and most supporting space. It would be awesome if I could take you all to coffee, hold your hand and make awkward small talk before the REAL stuff. Because big, small, messy, pre or post- redemptive stories are all valid. We are all on this journey of life, and some of us have had more support and tools than others. Some of you have been trudging through all alone and could use a friend to confide in. Maybe you are near the brink of collapse and a spark of hope could re-ignite your will to fight again.

Your pain, stories and authentic selves are not lost on me, and there is so much hope in the together of all of this.

Friend, you are not meant to carry your story alone. Can I invite you to bravely send me a message and start a conversation. What makes your story a unique representation of you? I am willing, ready and holding space in the shadow of reality. Not here to pull anyone into a blinding light of impossible expectations. Just re-introduce a dim warm light of hope into this weary world.

Sincerely,

A Friend

Inspiring Hope Collective

This collective is in partnership with the social enterprise hopeandvine.org; An employment and mentoring program for aged out young women in Wake Forrest, NC.