None of us have all the answers. I had to learn to trust the guidance of the Holy Spirit and just share what He has done in my life. And what the Lord has done in my life is far too great for me to stay silent about it. I have also learned that it is more about loving someone well instead of “convincing” them into Christianity. Love will take you farther than persuasion ever will. We can love even though we are afraid; we can impact with fear.
We can’t fear ‘I don’t know’. Vulnerability is not easy but we must embrace it and let God lead us. Sometimes the path to the answer is long and difficult, full of those stumbling blocks. Sometimes the struggle is the answer. That can feel difficult and leave you wondering if it was worthwhile. I find myself struggling with many uncertainties in times like this. The fear and vulnerabilities of ‘I don’t know’ often creep in.
Feeling envious occurs when we are fearful and insecure, which in turn leads to building up our defensiveness. We are trying to protect ourselves, but in doing so we end up in isolation. People need people. Strange things happen when we are isolated. In isolation, we to listen to lies being whispered in our heads.
Mystery. I often wonder why we lose the awe and wonder of childhood. At what point in life do we begin to feel the need to explain – or have explained to us – every, single detail of our existence? When did we decide that we wanted to be lord of our own lives… I mean, that’s what it means, doesn’t it? The incessant, gnawing, obsessive need to know and understand everything…isn’t that a desire to be lord? To deny the presence of any mystery in our lives?
Within His capable arms, I can say: ‘This is too much! I feel overwhelmed! Remind me of your faithfulness. Open my eyes to see where You are working this for Your glory and our good. Fight for us! Protect us. Help me to stand firm on Your promises.’
This is how we can live boldly in life. Trusting that the Lord will pick us up when we fall. He doesn’t keep us from falling. Then we would never learn how to swim. We are free to take risks because we can trust that when we fall, we will be met with compassion, and a deeper intimacy in knowing who the Lord is, and who we are.
As long as I am responsible for the clothes, or my son’s health for that matter, I will be racked with fear. Fear is not a happy place to be. It says it’s up to me. But thankfully the cross says a different story! Jesus tore the veil that stood between God and myself, so I could trust in something greater than the Law. The law, which says I have to measure up and be good enough.
Fear blossomed like a sunflower in my chest. I heard every noise, real or imagined, in the house or the basement. It’s embarrassing to remember the times I would call our neighbor over to check the house because I thought I had heard something. This fear lasted so long it was making me physically ill – I was trying to stay awake all night, begging God to keep us safe. I was thinking of escape plans should someone break-in. It was difficult.
There are things that happen in our lives that shape us, good and bad. Perhaps our friends, a spouse, or even a stranger has rejected us. Perhaps opportunities have passed that we regret not taking. Maybe we have developed an idea in our minds that is not realistic or attainable. The truth is, our perfect God loves us with His perfect love. You dear momma/dear lady/dear one, are loved. Fully, completely, no-need-to-fear loved.
The emotions all collided in that brief moment and the result was an eruption of tears. I sat there with my soon-to-be in-laws trying to contain the turmoil and confusion within me. But to no avail. With the bitter taste of loss lingering in my heart and mind, I tried to come to some understanding as to why my friend would seemingly erase me from her life in the matter of a week. Memories of our last time together only confused and our future plans, now vanished, were like salt in an open wound…